Confessions of an Alli Cat (12 page)

“At Hayley’s house,” I answer instead, moving away from the stubble on her legs so it doesn’t cut me wide open.  “They’re studying and then she’s just going to stay the night.  I’m free for the night.  I just might sleep out here.  Naked.”

Sara stares at me again.

“Holy shit.  What have I done to you?  Are you becoming wild?  If so, my work here is done.”  She makes the sign of the cross on her chest, like she is blessing this event.  I roll my eyes.

“Be careful.  Your fingers might burst into flame doing that,” I smile sweetly before continuing.  “After the events of this past week, I’ve decided that for once, you are right.  I’ve been too uptight for the past…all of my life.  I’m going to start not giving a flying eff.”

Sara stares at me now.  “I think I’m in love with you, girl.  Don’t marry someone else.  After you sow your wild oats, you can marry me.”

She laughs, tinkling and loud.  I laugh too and fill our wine glasses up.  “Nope, can’t.  I don’t like tacos.  Remember?”

Sara laughs.  “Oh, yeah.  I forgot.  Details.”

Somehow, the next hour passes with lightning speed.  During four bottles of wine, I tell Sara all about Shade’s little gift, the way Alex had seen my bare crotch, the fact that Alex is strikingly, breathtakingly sexy and the fact that I’m still pissed at her for having Brian ask me out.

“I forgot about being mad at you,” I growl, furrowing my eyebrows.  Or I think I furrow them.  I’ve had enough wine that my nose and forehead are sort of numb. 

“Oh, whatever,” Sara waves my concern away.  “You know you’ll get over it.  Because you know that I’m right.  You’re going to need practice if you’re going to date your boss. That’s a big step—and it takes skill.”

I freeze, staring at her.

“Sara, I am not dating my boss.  Not. Gonna. Happen.  Please hear me, and don’t do anything AT ALL, to try and arrange something like that, okay?  I’ve worked very hard to get to where I’m at.  I’m a single woman now- on my own.  I can’t jeopardize my career simply because the man sets my loins on fire.”

I giggle because I use the word ‘loins’.  And then I glare at her again .

“I’m serious, Sara.  I need you to promise me that you won’t interfere.”

She rolls her eyes.  “As if I’d interfere,” she croons, stroking my arm.  I glare again.

“I mean it.”

“Fine,” she says, seemingly wounded as she sits back in her seat.  “But you underestimate my powers of finesse.  I am amazingly subtle.”

“Whatever,” I roll my eyes again.  “You’re subtle like an eighteen-wheeler.”

At this juncture, my cell phone chooses to ring.  I eye the long walk to the table where I left it with my clothes.  And I decide that it just isn’t worth it. 

I take another drink of wine.

And then my phone rings again. 

Crap. 

“It could be Sophie,” I mutter, climbing naked out of my hot-tub and jogging to get it.  Unfortunately for me, it’s not.

“Alli?”

It’s Rick the freaking Dick.  I got out of the hot tub for this? 

“We need to talk.  Vanessa and I are getting married in June.  We set the date yesterday.  She called Sophie a little bit ago and asked Sophie to be a bridesmaid and your daughter screamed at her.  And then hung up on her.  You need to talk to her.”

“To Vanessa?”  I’m confused.  It might be the effects of the wine. I’m not sure.  And it might also be the effects of the wine, but a little part of me is shocked and somewhat sad that Rick has already set a date.  I don’t want him- that much is certain, but to know that he would rush out so quickly and get re-married, it’s a little hurtful.  Like I didn’t matter at all.

“No, Allison,” Rick sighs.  “To Sophie.  You need to explain to her that it is important that she participate in my wedding.”

And I’m done feeling hurt.  It was a short-lived excursion from reality, anyway. 

“What?  I’m not talking to Sophie about this.  If you want her in your wedding, you can pick up the phone and call your daughter yourself.  Stop letting the women in your life take care of everything. She’s your daughter—you need a relationship with her.  And that includes talking to her.”

“Why do you have to be such a bitch, Allison?” Rick snaps.  “I’m just asking for a little help. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, considering that I haven’t filed a lawsuit after you tried to run over my fiancée.”

And now I’m pissed. I step back into the hot-tub since I’m shivering. 

“Are you insane?  I’m being a bitch?  And you really feel like you could have filed a lawsuit? If that’s really what you want to do, do it!” I snap.  “I don’t need you thinking that you did me a favor by not.  Your lawyer already tried to contact me about this anyway.”

“I told him to back off,” Rick says. “But I could just as easily call him back and tell him to proceed.”

I’m sputtering, trying to decide what to say when Sara butts in.

“Give me the phone,” she slurs.  I yank away, but she manages to get my phone first. 

“Listen, you small-dicked asshole.  You deserve to marry a gold-digging whore.  And I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that Sophie is nowhere near your wedding. And your twig-legged little bitch could have dented Alli’s car.  She should sue
you
for that.”  Small pause.  “Hell, yes, this is Sara!  Who the fuck else would it be?  Do not call Alli again with this kind of bull-shit.”

I try to grab the phone away from her and she wrenches away. 

“I mean it, Rick.  She doesn’t answer to you.  And she doesn’t have to help you anymore.  Handle your own shit.”

And she hangs up on him.  She lays my phone on the tiles and turns to me.

“Don’t let him talk to you like that anymore,” she instructs me.  “He doesn’t have the right.”

I’m staring at her speechless when my phone rings again. 

Fire flares up in Sara’s eyes and she yanks my phone to her ear.

“You want more, Tiny Dick?  Leave her alone.  Only contact her through a lawyer from now on.  She’s SO over you- she doesn’t even want to hear your voice. In fact, she’s so over you that she’s dating again, too.  For your info, her new boss is sexy and fabulous and fucking rich.  You’ll never be able to compare.”

Pause.

Another pause.

Sara’s eyes widen and she hands me the phone.  She is speechless which is terrifying, in itself.  I look at her questioningly as I lift the phone to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Allison?”

Oh, holy shit.  I want to effing die.  

It’s Alex.

It’s time to hyperventilate. 

Chapter Eleven

(Or: A Woman can’t survive on Embarrassment Alone)

“Um. Hi, Alex.”

“Hi, Allison.” My new boss sounds unsure of himself and I’m not sure what to say. 

“Tell him your friend is insane!” Sara screeches into my ear. 

I wave her away.

“I’m sorry about that,” I tell him as calmly as I can.  “My friend and I are having wine, probably too much of it, and my ex-husband called a minute ago.  My friend was worked up and obviously when you called, she thought it was him calling back.  I’m so sorry about the confusion.”

I think I pull it off. I sound cool and confident.

Alex laughs, a buttery-rich sound in my ear. 

“It’s okay.  I’ve been around wine and women before.  I get it.  And I’m glad I can be of assistance with your ex-husband.  He’s apparently quite the treat.”

I breathe a sigh of relief.  It doesn’t look like I’m going to get fired over this. 

“I’m sorry to call you so late, anyway,” he continues.  “I was just thinking about what I said to you earlier after your staff meeting and I decided that it was inappropriate and wanted to apologize.  I sincerely hope that I didn’t offend you.  But now I’m thinking that since your friend called me a Tiny Dick, we might be even.”

He laughs and, no lie, a shiver runs down my spine.  I may want to take a bath in his laugh.  Then shove it against the wall and have violent sex with it.  And I should probably not drink this much wine ever again. 

“It’s not a problem,” I tell him.  “I told you, I don’t offend easily.  I apologize for this morning, too, by the way.  I could explain the whole situation, but it wouldn’t really be appropriate. Let’s just say that I don’t usually come to work with no underwear.  Can we leave it at that?”

Alex laughs again.  “Of course.  I think working with you is going to be very interesting,” he answers, chuckling.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him again.  “I promise, I’m usually very professional.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he tells me firmly.  “I told you, I like employees with spunk.  We’re going to be a great team.  Have a good night, Allison.”

He hangs up. 

And I turn and glare at Sara. 

“Is there any other aspect of my life you would like to try and wreck? Maybe you’d like to buy Sophie a gigolo and get her pregnant or something?”

Sara actually looks pained.

“I’m sorry, Alli,” she says quietly.  “I truly didn’t mean to do that.  I thought it was Rick.”

I sigh.

“I know. And you were just trying to be a good friend.  But damn girl, with a friend like you, who needs enemies?”

I fill our glasses back up with the last of the wine and we sit back, our heads leaned together. Sara picks up her leg and starts counting the stars with her toe. 

“You’d better stay here tonight,” I tell her.  “You shouldn’t drive.”

“You’ve got that right, sister,” she mumbles. 

I can tell from her super relaxed face that I need to get her out of the hot tub, pronto, before she falls asleep. And that is what leads to the fact that I am hoisting her naked body out of the water when Mr. Darnell goes into his backyard to take his trash out. 

At this point in the day, I don’t even care.  I just wave over my shoulder, ignoring his flabbergasted expression, as I help Sara into my house. 

We’re both naked and dripping wet.

This day just can’t get any worse.

And nobody should ever say that.  Because what always happens when they do? 

Things get worse.

That’s right.

Well, not exactly worse, but definitely uncomfortable. And slightly hilarious (in hindsight).

Sigh.

Because I was so tired, after I dropped Sara onto one side of my bed and covered her up, I laid down for just a second on the other side.  For just for one second.

But apparently, when two people split four bottles of wine, it does something to their sense of time.  Because when I open my eyes, it is morning and Sophie is standing over me.

“’Morning, honey,” I mumble.  She raises an eyebrow. 

“I guess it is,” she says. “But not as good as last night, apparently.  Why are you and Aunt Sara naked together in your bed?”

Eff.

I sit straight up and look at Sara.  She is sleeping soundly, snoring softly, with drool pooling on my expensive brushed Egyptian cotton sheets. 

And she is naked.

And I am naked.

I sigh.

“Obviously, it’s not what it looks like,” I tell Sophie as I jab Sara in the ribs. 

“Of course not,” Sophie giggles, as she turns to walk out of the room.  “Have a good day, mom.  I just came by to pick up my math book.  You’d better hurry. You’re going to be late for work.”

I look at the clock and then leap from the bed, yanking all of Sara’s covers off in the process.

I only have fifteen minutes to get ready.  Efffffffff.   

“Sara!” I yell as I head for the bathroom. “Get up.  We’re late.”

She sits up and looks around bewilderedly.  “Did we get drunk and drive to Vegas and get married?” 

I laugh as I start the shower.  “You’re half right.  We got drunk, you cussed out Rick the Dick and then called my new boss a Tiny Dick.  And we
live
in Vegas.”

She looks shocked, then she smiles at me.  “Well, then.  You’re just lucky your best friend is such a bad ass.”

I sigh.

“Get your bad ass in Sophie’s shower.  We’re going to be late.”

She laughs and stumbles down the hall as I jump in the shower and try to figure out how I’m going to look Alex in the face today. 

********

It’s not as hard as one might think.

And it’s certainly not as hard as
I
thought it was going to be.

Alex is acting like everything is perfectly normal.

He brought me another cup of gourmet coffee and left it on my desk with a note.

This is me, starting over. 

Have a great day, AH

I have to smile at that and I am still smiling as Taylor walks in with a bunch of papers that need my signature. 

“Why are you smiling like that?” she asks suspiciously.  “Are people getting laid off today?”

I stare at her in horror. “Of course not!  And why would I be smiling about that?”

She shrugs as she sets the folders down in front of me and settles into a chair to wait. 

“I don’t know.  You’ve been a little, shall we say…edgy lately.  People have noticed.  Everyone is asking me what your deal is.”

Hell.

I sigh.

“I don’t have a deal,” I tell her as I pick up a pen and start sifting through the stack.  “I’ve just had an interesting week and I might be in a weird mood.  I’m sorry.”

She stares at me.  “What
has
been going on?” she asks curiously.  “Tonya told me that you’re going out with Brian tonight.  I told her that in no way was that true, but she said that Brian told her himself.”

I restrain myself from shuddering. And I can’t deny it since Tonya is Brian’s assistant.

“It’s true,” I admit sadly.  “We’re having dinner as friends tonight.  We’re both divorced so we thought it might be nice to get together with someone who understands what we’re going through. As
friends.
”

“Thank god,” Taylor breathes.  “I thought you had lost your mind.”

I sign my name to a document and glance up at her.

“Nope.  My mind is intact.  Probably.”

She laughs and I laugh with her.  She has no idea of the lengths my sanity has gone to this week.

“And what’s the deal with Alex bringing you coffee?” she asks.  “Our old VP never even came out of his office.  Alex has brought you coffee twice
and
he gets here before you in the morning. He’s probably going to start getting mad that you’re not here when he stops by.”