Conflicted (14 page)

“Stroke your hand up and down.”

“Slide your hand down into your panties and touch your clit.” I did what he said. My panties were soaked.

“I have a confession,” I said, feeling bold again in the darkness.

“What?” he asked, his voice strained.

“Sometimes I touch myself and I think of you.”

“Oh fuck,” he growled. “I’m going to come.”

“Stop stroking yourself.”

“Get there with me, Lucy. Finger yourself.”

I pumped two fingers inside, reveling in his dirty mouth. “It’s so wet, Cole. Oh my God. It’s never been so wet before.”

“Harder.”

I started panting as I moved my fingers in and out, in and out, and I heard him resume his stroking over the phone. He groaned, a loud, guttural sound that sent a wave of heat down to my core.

“I’m coming,” I whispered. “I’m coming, I’m coming.”

“Fuck,” he muttered as he came along with me.

We both panted for a few quiet moments of bliss.

“I should go,” I finally said, feeling the tiniest twinge of guilt over what I’d just done.

“I want to keep talking.”

“I do, too. But this is risky. I shouldn’t call you when I’m at home.”

“I understand.” He sounded disappointed, and I felt the same way.

“Thank you again for everything you did. For flying home with me. For getting me to the hospital. For holding my hand in some of the scariest moments of my life.”

“Question,” he said.

“What?”

“Can I text you?”

“Yeah. I’ll change the passcode to my phone and save your contact as someone else.”

“This is wrong,” he said. “I don’t want you to have to lie.”

“I know. I’ll make it right, though. I’ll talk to him soon.”

“Okay. Goodnight, Ms. Cleary.”

“Goodnight, Mr. Benson.”

I stared down at my phone for a few moments after ending the call. I didn’t really accomplish what I wanted to by calling him. I’d wanted to talk, to let him know how I felt, to express the millions of thoughts I was having where he was concerned.

Instead I’d gotten off on one of the best orgasms I’d ever had as I listened to him jerk off over the phone.

“Wake Up Call” by Maroon 5 started playing in my head as I changed
Cole Benson
in my contacts to
Adam Levine
. And then, on second thought, I changed it to a girl’s name just to help avoid any suspicion.
April Levine.

I went to the bathroom, washed my hands, and filled a cup with water. I returned to the bedroom and slid into bed beside my husband, who still snored away, oblivious to the fact that his wife was falling for another man.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

When my phone buzzed a little after six, I picked it up off of my nightstand to see that a text message awaited me from April Levine.

I glanced over at John, who slept soundly beside me.

I entered my new passcode, my heart beating wildly in my chest as I thought about what would happen if John woke up and saw the message.

What would happen, though, really?

I thought about the ramifications of getting caught. It would force the conversation rather than allowing me to waffle and blame other factors. It would force me to be honest when it was easier to live the lie.

It would liberate me from the bonds of an unhappy marriage. It would free me and allow me to be with Cole.

But it would also be throwing away five years of my life. Years that, until recently, I’d been fairly happy. Happy enough, at least.

And, perhaps worst of all, it would cause turmoil for my family—and my family was already going through enough.

I finally clicked on the message.

Last night was fun. You free later tonight?

I chuckled, careful to be silent so as not to wake the man in my bed.

All I wanted was another night on the phone with Cole. It had taken my mind off of the grave situation I found my sister in even if only for a few moments. He’d given me exactly what I needed without even being in the same room as me—things I hadn’t been getting from John for a long time.

I’m not free, but for you… I’ll make time.

I watched as my message was delivered, and then the three little bubbles signaling that he was typing a response appeared. Those three bubbles made my heart race. They meant he was thinking about me—and thinking about me in the same way I’d been thinking about him for longer than I cared to admit.

I know you’re not free, and that’s something we’re going to need to rectify.

My heart agreed with him, but my brain kept putting Madi first.

I know. Soon. I’ll be in touch later.

I’ll be waiting patiently. Or not.

I giggled as silently as I could.
Not
was more likely. Cole was one of the least patient people I knew, and he demanded excellence at all times. It was one of the things I hated about him as his employee, but it was also one of the things I respected about him as a businessman.

I crept quietly out of the bed I shared with John, a thick layer of guilt washing over me. I showered and dressed, and then I went out to the kitchen to make pancakes and bacon. John came out of the bedroom, his messy hair and sleepy eyes reminding me of the first time I’d realized I was in love with him.

We’d been together for a few weeks, and one particular morning he’d emerged from my bedroom. I lived with a roommate at the time, and we’d been gossiping rather loudly on the couch. John had been grouchy, and that was the first time I learned he simply wasn’t a morning person.

But when our eyes had met across the room, his hair an absolute mess from our romp the night before and drowsiness written all over his face, he smiled at me. My heart twisted and I felt a pang in my chest. It was that moment I first thought he was the person I could spend the rest of my life with.

Another pang hit me in the chest as I watched his sleepy eyes land on me while I stood in the kitchen with a bowl of pancake batter, but this time it meant something else. This time, the pang was because I had to end things with him. The hope for the future I’d felt when I first realized I loved him had been replaced with the feeling that I was living with a stranger.

The guilt I’d started the day with never really left. It was a shadow following me everywhere I went.

It followed me to my parents’ house as I dropped off Madi so I could go spend time with my sister.

John was “working” again, whatever that meant. It seemed like he was always working during the big moments lately—and, to be fair, during the small moments, too. I could’ve used him to lean on as I visited my sister and Kevin, but he’d left just after pancakes to head into the office for a few hours.

I called Cole without even thinking twice as soon as I’d dropped off Madi.

“I thought for sure you’d make me wait until tonight,” he answered, and I could tell he was smiling.

I smiled, too. “I’m actually heading to the hospital, but I had a few minutes by myself.”

“Why are you by yourself?”

“I dropped Madi off at my parents’ house.”

“Where’s your husband?”

He spat out the “H” word like it was poison.

“He had to go into work.”

Cole sighed audibly over the phone. “You shouldn’t be alone. I’m dealing with something now, but I can meet you at the hospital in about an hour.”

My heart fluttered. “That’s not necessary,” I said, but I wanted him to come. I wanted to see him.

I wanted him to kiss me.

I wanted him to do the things he’d told me over the phone to do to myself.

“I’m coming anyway.”

It was his insistence that I loved. It was the fact that he knew I needed him, and he was going to be there—especially in contrast to the one person who
should
have been there but wasn’t.

Just a few days ago, I hated him.

But now that I knew why he’d been such an asshole to me, it made a lot of sense. His defense mechanism to protect his own heart had been to lash out. It had been an immature way of dealing with his feelings, but sometimes men were just immature.

He was a shark in the boardroom. He was smart. He had a ton of money. He was savvy.

So it was forgivable if he was a little emotionally immature. He’d spent a lot of years working hard to show people that he wasn’t his father, and seducing his assistant immediately after taking over as CEO was probably poor form.

When I got to the hospital, I asked the nurse about Kevin first. I knew Kaylee would want an update.

“His parents are in with him,” the nurse informed me.

“Is he awake?”

She shook her head. “The swelling has gone down a little, but he’s still in a medically-induced coma. He’s doing a little better, but he isn’t out of the woods and the doctor can’t assess his long-term prognosis yet.”

“Thanks,” I said, and I headed toward my sister’s room.

Even in sleep, she looked as bad as the day before. I said a prayer for my sister and her husband. I included Madi in that prayer. I just wanted everything to go back to how it had been before I’d left for New York.

That statement wasn’t entirely true. I wanted things to go back to normal for my sister and her family.

For me, though? I was ready to forge full steam ahead in my affair with Cole.

Affair
.

It was such a dirty word with such negative connotations, and rightly so.

But now that I was actually having one, I saw things in a whole new light.

I settled onto the small couch in the corner of the room, checking my email and playing on my phone while my sister slept. There wasn’t much to do but sit around and scroll through my Facebook newsfeed.

When the door opened a short while later, my heart started beating a little faster. It had been less than twenty-four hours since I’d last seen him, but I hoped it was Cole walking through that door.

His eyes were dark and a little stormy, but they softened when they focused on me. I smiled, and his expression completely changed as the corners of his mouth tipped up.

He glanced at my sister, who was still asleep, and then he strode across the room toward me. I stood, and our bodies collided as I clung to him. He held me upright, his arms tight in the strength I didn’t have because of the fear that squeezed my heart.

“How’s she doing?” he whispered, pulling back but not letting go of me.

“She’s been asleep the whole time I’ve been here.” I kept my voice low so as not to wake my sister.

“Can I do anything?”

I shook my head and stepped away from him, guilt pressing on my chest as I thought about my husband. What if he walked in the door and saw me embracing my boss? What if my sister woke and saw us?

“Kevin’s parents are here visiting him. The nurse at the desk said he’s doing a little better.” I sat on the couch, curling my legs under me.

“That’s good news.” He sat beside me and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands in front of him.

I nodded.

“Are you hungry?” he asked.

I shook my head.

“Can I get you anything?”

I shook my head again. “Thanks for asking.”

“I feel helpless.”

I reached over and placed my hand on his arm. My fingertips tingled where they met his skin. “Just having you here is all I need.”

He turned toward me, his eyes darkening again—but this time with lust.

We were interrupted when the door opened again, and I pulled my hand quickly away from his arm before whoever was at the door entered the room. I did my best to mask the guilt from my face.

A nurse smiled warmly at us. “We just need to run some tests. Can you give us a few minutes?”

I nodded, and the two of us stood.

“We’re going to give her another dose of painkillers, so I expect she’ll be sleeping for the next three to four hours,” the nurse said. “If you’ve got things to do, now would probably be a good time.”

“Thank you. Can you let her know her sister was here and loves her very much?”

The nurse smiled. “Of course.”

Cole took my hand in his and tugged me toward the door. Once we were in the waiting room, he said, “So your sister will be sleeping for a few hours, your husband is working, and Madi is with your parents. Interesting.”

“Indeed.”

“Do you want to hang out here? Or can I steal you away for an hour or two?”

I shrugged. “I suppose I could be swayed to be stolen.”

He grinned wickedly at me, and I giggled. He tugged my hand, and we speed-walked toward the parking deck.

Cole led me to his car, a sleek and sexy black Audi S8 Sedan. I’d never actually seen it before because it seemed like he took a car with a driver everywhere he went.

“Nice car,” I said.

“I know,” he answered with arrogance. He pushed me up against the passenger door, pinning me with his hips. “I wonder what you’d look like spread out on the hood.”

A shudder raced through my body at his words. I couldn’t form a response as my eyes widened and my tongue tied.

He leaned in and kissed my neck. He dragged his lips up to my ear said in a low voice, “I wonder what it would be like to fuck you in the backseat.”

I moaned involuntarily. I had to admit, I wondered that very same thing.

“We can find out later,” he said, moving away from me with a grin. He opened the passenger door.

“You’re an asshole.” I slid into the leather seat.

He shrugged. “I’ve been called worse.” He shut the door and walked around to his side of the car.

I inhaled deeply. His car had that same clean and fresh scent that he always sported, and it drove me wild.

He got in and fired up the engine. The car purred provocatively.

“Where are you taking me?” I asked once we were on the highway.

“Santa Monica.”

“For the Ferris Wheel?”

He chuckled but didn’t respond.

“The roller coaster?”

He glanced in my direction before his eyes returned to the road. I couldn’t help but watch his command of the car with a whole lot of desire.

It probably had less to do with his driving and more to do with the man himself. Pretty much everything he did turned me on.

This was a totally different Cole Benson than I was used to dealing with on a daily basis, and I couldn’t help but wonder what life at the office was going to be like now that we’d broken down our barriers. His admission as to why he’d been treating me like crap since the day he started was fresh in my mind. Now that I knew his true feelings, I wondered if he’d still feel the need to be a dick at work to put on a show in front of others or if he’d be a little nicer to me.

I thought about his words when he’d admitted he wanted me on my desk the night of the MTC dinner. So much had happened in the two days since he’d confessed that to me.

He pulled off the highway and wound through some streets until we pulled up in front of a house. He got out of the car, and I followed suit. He tugged my hand and led me toward the garage. I watched as he flipped open a keypad and entered a code, and the garage door opened.

“What are we doing here?” I asked as he twisted the knob to let me into the house.

He didn’t answer as he stepped through a laundry room and into the living area. At first glance, I decided the house was both enormous and breathtaking. The open floor plan along with the massive windows made the house appear bright and pristine. It was a dream home—one of those kinds of places I could search on the realtor websites but would never see enough money in my lifetime to be able to afford.