Conflicted (16 page)

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

I woke up the next morning when John was just getting out of bed. He peeked over at me before standing up. “Good morning,” he said.

“Good morning.” I stretched with grogginess. “You been up long?”

He shook his head. “Just woke up.”

He paused and looked at me thoughtfully as if he wanted to say something more, but then he stood and started toward the bathroom. I couldn’t help but wonder what he wanted to say. Did he want to finally clear the air? Was he going to ask me to be honest with him?

Was I ready to be honest with him?

I got up and checked on Madi, who was just waking up. I helped her out of bed and we got to work on breakfast.

“Smells good in here,” John said after he emerged from his shower. He picked up a giggling Madi to swing her around.

“We made bacon,” she announced.

“My favorite,” John said.

From the outside, surely we looked like a happy little family. But we were two adults in a broken marriage and a child whose parents were suffering.

This was all wrong, and there wasn’t much I could immediately do to fix any of it.

After we ate, John announced that he had to go into the office.

“On a Sunday?” I asked.

His gaze lingered on me for a moment, making me feel a bit uncomfortable. “Yep. Sorry.”

I shrugged, and he mussed Madi’s hair before heading out the door.

“You ready to head to Grammy’s house?”

“I want to go home.”

I pulled her into my arms. “I know you do, sweetheart. And you will get to go home very soon.”

She sighed and rested her head on my shoulder, and my heart broke a little more for my sweet niece.

Immediately after dropping her off, I called Cole. “Are we still on for Starbucks?”

“I’m already at a table waiting for you.”

I glanced at the clock. It was only a few minutes after ten. “Sorry I’m running late. I had a hard time leaving Madi.”

I knew how he lived for punctuality, but this wasn’t business. This was the two of us meeting under personal circumstances, and surely he couldn’t fault me for being late considering what was going on with my sister.

Instead of reassuring me that it was no big deal, he said, “What would you like to drink?”

I thought for a moment. “Iced caramel macchiato.”

“I’ll be waiting here with it.” His words were short.

Something was up with him, and I had a feeling it wasn’t just because I was running late.

“What’s wrong, Cole?”

“I’m next in line. We’ll talk when you get here.”

He cut off the call, and my heart started pounding. I was terrified that this was the end for us. It couldn’t be the end—not when we’d hardly even gotten started.

I sped through town and my tires practically squealed as I turned into a parking space in front of Starbucks. I raced out of my car and through the doors, my heart pounding faster and faster the closer I got to him.

I spotted him the moment I walked through the door. He had an imposing presence, an aura of power and strength and manliness surrounding him.

He wore a suit, and my heart beat wildly in my chest as I stared at the man in a suit in the middle of a busy Starbucks drinking coffee as he tapped away on his phone.

He glanced up when he felt my stare, and our eyes locked across the coffeehouse. He set his phone down.

He held up my drink and smiled, and I heaved out a breath as I made my way to his table.

He handed me the drink—a venti, even though I hadn’t specified a size—and I thanked him.

“You look gorgeous this morning,” he said.

“I’m sorry I’m late. You sounded angry over the phone.”

I opened my straw wrapper and stuck the straw in my drink as his gaze pinned me to my seat.

“I hate talking on the phone in a public place.”

“I get it.”

“It’s good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you, too.”

He leaned across the table to kiss me, but then he thought better of it and sat back down before he actually did it. I took a nervous sip of my drink.

Had it really only been the day before that I’d last seen him? It felt like much longer.

“How was your dinner last night?” I asked cautiously.

“Awful.”

“Why?”

He gazed out the window while he spoke. “I was with my parents and some of my dad’s old business associates. The meeting consisted of old men talking about the glory days and how today’s generation has no work ethic. They spoke like I wasn’t part of the exact generation they were criticizing, and frankly, I was offended.”

“That sounds awful.”

His eyes flicked over to mine. “The one highlight of my evening was when you called.”

“And then I basically hung up on you.”

He glanced down at the table. “And reminded me that you’re not really mine.”

I reached across the table and took his hand in mine. “I am, Cole. In the way that really matters, I’m yours.”

He shook his head and pulled his hand away. “Dammit, Lucy,” he muttered. “No, you’re not. In the way that matters, you’re not.” He lowered his voice and leaned in toward me. “You’re wearing a wedding ring that another man gave you. You have someone else to answer to. And until you can be honest with him, I don’t think we should keep doing this.”

I knew in my heart that he was absolutely right. But that was the same heart that started racing in fear the moment he mentioned we shouldn’t keep seeing each other.

I tried to think of something—anything---that would prove to him that it was over with John, that I was just waiting for the right moment to tell him. I didn’t know what to do to convince him that I was all in on him.

“I don’t love him anymore.”

His eyes locked on mine. “How do you feel about me?”

My eyebrows shot up in surprise at his question. Was he asking me if I was in love with him?

Was
I in love with him?

I knew I was falling for him. I knew I had a blistering attraction to him. But I hadn’t stopped to really figure out exactly what I was feeling.

I was silent as I tried to figure out how to answer, but he read me all wrong.

“That’s what I thought,” he said, taking a long sip of his coffee and returning his gaze to the window.

I was done trying to categorize how I felt. I let the words spill from my mouth unfiltered. “You can’t just judge me for not knowing how to answer that question. You’re putting me on the spot. I don’t know how I feel about you, Cole. You mix me up. You turn everything upside down. You ignite me and infuriate me. You push me and you create this heated passion within me. I’ve felt more for you in the past month than I think I ever felt for John.” His eyes slid back over to me during my impassioned diatribe. “Sometimes I hate you, but sometimes I think I might love you.”

He smiled sadly. “Sometimes I hate you, too. And sometimes I think I might love you, too.”

“Then why do you want to end this?”

“I don’t. God, I don’t. I didn’t say that.”

“You said we shouldn’t be doing this.”

“We shouldn’t.” He lowered his voice. “We shouldn’t be having phone sex. We shouldn’t be meeting for coffee in secret on a Sunday morning. We shouldn’t feel so strongly that we can’t seem to stay away from each other. It’s wrong.” He paused, and my heart raced. “But just because we shouldn’t be doing it doesn’t mean either one of us can stop.”

A wave of relief surged through my chest. “You scared me.”

“I do lots of things I shouldn’t do.”

“I’d like to be one of those things.”

He grinned wickedly at me. “You will be.”

A tremor of lust darted through me.

As much as I wanted it to happen right then and there, Cole had an afternoon meeting scheduled. We parted ways as he gave me understated kiss on the cheek in front of Starbucks, and I headed to the hospital to visit my sister.

I couldn’t help but replay my conversation with Cole. We both knew that what we were doing was wrong, yet we couldn’t seem to stop ourselves. And when John kept putting work in front of my family and me, I had a hard time feeling any guilt at all over it.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Usually I hated Monday mornings with a fiery passion, but I was so excited that I hardly slept at all on Sunday night.

Exhaustion would plague me once my morning caffeine wore off, but excitement was the primary emotion I felt. I couldn’t wait to see what awaited me at the office. I’d never been in a secret affair with my boss. This was new territory, and everything inside me was alight with anticipation.

I dressed in a fairly low-cut dress with a green and white chevron pattern. I wore tall white heels that accentuated my calves and made me feel sexy. I spent a little extra time perfecting my hair and make-up. I was dressed and ready to go before John even rolled out of bed. I brewed the coffee and made myself some oatmeal, and then I filled my travel mug and scooted out the door before I had to interact with my dear husband.

I got to the office twenty minutes earlier than normal, and instead of flying through the door right at the last minute to avoid the wrath of Mr. Benson, I walked casually to my desk. He was in his office already. I could hear him rustling around in there, but I wasn’t sure of the protocol. I sat at my desk and powered up my computer, and once I logged in, I decided to pop into his office.

I knocked on the doorframe. “Good morning,” I said with genuine cheerfulness.

Cole didn’t look up in my direction. His eyes were glued to some paperwork on his desk. “I’ll need an update on the Genesis Group before nine-thirty. I’ve got a conference call at ten. Get me the marketing files for GeoTech. We need to fix the underperforming ads. Did Aaron send you the details?”

“I haven’t checked my email yet,” I said, my voice filled with disappointment.

Cole sighed. “Check it and get back to me ASAP. I also need you to focus on the MTC account. I have a meeting with Lincoln next week and you’ll need to be there. He wants some preliminary ideas.”

“Where do I start?”

He finally looked up at me. His eyes drifted down to my cleavage and paused for a moment, and I watched as lust splashed momentarily across his face. He shook his head just slightly, and then he looked back down at his paperwork.

“You’ll figure it out.”

I rolled my eyes since he wasn’t looking at me anyway and headed back out to my desk in total defeat.

Why did I even like him?

Sure, he was hot. But he was a complete jerk. I hated him more than I liked him. He treated me like shit, and I deserved better. I was putting everything on the line, and for what?

I couldn’t help but wonder: Why did I have to be so attracted to such an asshole?

I pulled up my email and found the details he had requested. I gathered the data he’d need for his conference call. I emailed everything to him, and then I dialed into his office.

“Yes?”

“The items you requested are in your email, Cole.”

He hung up on me.

Hung up.

With no reply.

No “thanks.” No “that was sure helpful.” No “you look sexy in that green and white dress.”

Nothing.

Instead, he appeared in front of my desk. His eyes flashed with anger.

Anger?

What the hell did he have to be angry about? I’d just delivered everything he’d asked for. I’d been nothing but pleasant, and he was back to ass-Cole the asshole.

“It’s Mr. Benson.”

“Excuse me?” I said.

“You are to refer to me as Mr. Benson.” His voice was thick with annoyance as he enunciated each word as if I was stupid.

“Yes, sir.”

He spun around into his office, and I sat at my desk trying everything in my power not to cry.

It didn’t work.

I ran to the restroom to compose myself. This was ridiculous. What the fuck had changed in the course of a few hours that made Cole think he could go backward? What made him think he could treat me like shit after everything that had happened between us the past few days?

I glanced around at the ladies’ room. I was alone. It was a fancy restroom for an office. One side had a set of three stalls and sinks, and the other side featured a little sitting area with a couch, a couple of end tables, and some comfy chairs.

I gazed at myself in the mirror as I thought about Cole. I really thought we’d turned a corner both professionally and personally. I thought things would change now that he’d admitted his feelings for me. I thought the whole reason he’d been treating me like crap was because he was hiding his true feelings for me. He’d been overcompensating.

Instead, we were back to square one.

I was just about to collapse on the couch when the door to the ladies’ room opened. I wiped at my eyes and sniffled as I expected a
lady
to walk in.

Instead, Cole Benson walked through the door. He gazed at me for a moment, and then he turned the deadbolt to lock us in.

“Stop crying,” he commanded.

“I may be your assistant, but you can’t order me around.”

“That’s actually exactly what I can do to my assistant.”

“You shouldn’t be in here.”

“But I am.”

“Some people would call that harassment.”

“Would you? Am I harassing you?”

I didn’t respond. We both knew that I’d crawl across hot coals for him. We both knew that I’d eat the little crumbs he dropped just to be near him.

He strode toward me. “We both know you want me.”

“We both know you want me, too, Mr. Benson.” I said his name with as much loathing as I could muster. I didn’t know where my sass was coming from, but I needed to stand up for myself. I needed to force myself to be strong even though I was so uncharacteristically weak when it came to him.

He pushed me up against the wall and shoved his hips into me. He grabbed a fistful of my hair and tugged my head back before he lowered his head and his lips met my neck. “I do want you,” he hissed, his breath warm on my skin. “I can’t keep denying myself what I want. What I need.” His lips dragged over the skin of my neck to my throat, and I closed my eyes. “I keep thinking that if I treat you like shit, these feelings will just go away. But they won’t.”

He shoved his hips toward me again, his steel erection pressing into me.

“What are you going to do about it?” I goaded him.

He growled. “I’m going to do what I’ve wanted to do since the first second I walked into this office and saw you sitting at your desk in your pretty little dress.”

He lifted me up by my ass, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He carried me over to the couch and threw me down. He straddled me, his eyes hot on mine. “No more interruptions.”

I shook my head, unable to speak. Fear knotted my stomach, but lust drowned it out as Cole’s mouth moved back over mine.

His tongue thrust against mine with careless abandon, his hips bucking wildly against me. His hands were everywhere as they kneaded and squeezed every erogenous zone on my body seemingly at the same time. My moans and his groans were muffled only by our hungry and fiery kiss.

His lips broke from mine as he sat up and pulled down the top of my dress. He yanked the cups of my bra down. His lips found my breast, and I couldn’t help the guttural groan that rumbled up from my chest when he bit down on my tight nipple.

As he worked my breast with his mouth, his fingers trailed down my torso. He slid the hem of my dress up, and all I could do was tighten my arms around him as I felt the girlish tickles of being touched in a place that had gone untouched by a man for far too long. His fingers were rough, and he tugged my panties aside before sliding one long finger inside of me.

A wrenching cry escaped me as he drove his finger in and out, his mouth still attached to my breast. My fingers scratched his back. I wanted his shirt off. I wanted to feel his skin against mine.

I craved every sensation at the same time.

I was getting close. It wasn’t going to take much.

Every one of my senses lit on fire; the feel of his finger moving in and out of me, the sound of our moans, the smell of his clean and fresh body wash, the sight of him moving over me, the taste of his breath on mine.

Just as I was about to fly over the edge, everything came to a screeching halt.

“What the hell?” I muttered.

His mouth came back over mine, distracting me as one of his hands fumbled with his pants. His mouth didn’t leave mine as he reached down to slide my panties back over to the side. And then without warning he plunged into me.

He stretched my body with his as he filled me completely. My mind went blank with the velvety sensation of skin on skin. We fit together like pieces of a puzzle as he moved in and out of me, slowly at first but quickly gaining speed as he drove into my slickness. I quaked with pleasure as he thrust over and over, propelling into me with all the desire and hunger we’d been hiding and denying.  

It all happened much too quickly as his body powered into mine with urgency. The lust and desire between us had been pent up for far too long, pushing us both toward our climaxes nearly instantaneously. It was too good, too sweet feeling him move against me, inside me.

He growled a deep and carnal moan, thrusting somehow even harder a few more times before coming into me. His warmth filled me and pushed me into my own quivering bliss as my body shattered under his.

He collapsed on top of me for just a moment, both of us panting to catch our breath.

A sheen of sweat broke out across my forehead, and as I looked down at us and realized we were both still wearing our clothes and we were in a ladies’ room, I couldn’t help a giggle.

He pulled up off of me and kissed me, and then he grinned down at me. “It’s no hotel room in New York City with a view of Times Square, but it’s got a lock and it’s private.”

His comment made me wonder for the first time if
he
had been the one behind the room mix-up in New York. I let it go, too lost in bliss to really comprehend it.

He got up and helped me into a sitting position, and then he tucked himself back into his pants and fastened them. “You deserve better, and you’ll get it. I just couldn’t stop myself.”

“I’m glad you didn’t. That was by far the best sex of my life.”

His grin widened. “By far?”

I giggled, and then I reached down to pull my bra back up over my breasts and straighten out my dress. “Far and away.”

He held out a hand to help me up. “I’m sorry I was a dick earlier. We’re at the office, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to treat you.”

“Like a human being?”

“I know. I just…we can’t get caught. For both of our sakes.”

“Then why did you follow me into the ladies’ room?”

“I told you. I couldn’t stop myself.”

“I guess until we figure this out, just keep treating me the way you do. That way no one will be suspicious. But following me into the restroom isn’t a good way to keep this under wraps.”

“You’re right. We shouldn’t do this again. Not in here. But just know that any time I’m acting like an ass, it’s my way of telling you how much I care about you.” He chuckled.

“Right. I’ll remember that. And I’ll try not to call you bad names in my head.”

He narrowed his eyes at me. I laughed and then headed to the mirror to try to tame my sexed-up hair while he peeked out the door to make sure the coast was clear before going back to his office.

Back at my desk a short while later, I opened the files for the MTC account and set to work. I immediately ran into about fifteen different questions. This was new territory for me. While I’d done many different tasks for the company, I’d never taken on an account by myself.

I made a list of my questions as I reviewed the files so I could ask everything at once, and then I dialed into Cole’s office.

“Yes?” he answered. His tone was much more pleasant than earlier, but I still thought he could’ve said a simple “Hello.”

“Do you have time to meet about MTC?”

He paused and shuffled some papers. “I can fit you in at lunch.”

I giggled.

“Stop,” he demanded. He lowered and softened his voice. “Your laugh does things to me.”

“My apologies, sir.”

I hung up and couldn’t help my huge grin. I was lucky that I worked in a semi-private area, because if I worked around other people, they would’ve thought I was nuts with the way I was smiling. I forced my smile off of my face just in case someone should happen to walk by.

When lunchtime rolled around, I knocked on Cole’s door.

“Yes?”

I pushed the door open. “Are you ready for me, sir?”

“Shut the door.”

I did as he requested, and he strode across his expansive office toward me. He pushed me against the door roughly and his mouth crashed down to mine. I stood in surprise for a brief moment before my lips molded to his.

“Sorry,” he said, pulling back. “When you act all obedient, it really turns me on.”

I was in a bit of a daze after the way he kissed me. “Well, then. Anything else I can do for you, sir?”