Cop a Feel (Handcuffs and Happily Ever Afters) (25 page)

As she was presented with a five-thousand dollar check to give to her charity of choice, the fans began to chant . . . “Speech, speech, speech.”

Medusa shoved the mic back into Shoshanna’s hand and pushed her to the edge of the stage.

“Thank you. Thank you,” Shoshanna said, moved by the outpouring of love. “I have been writing for a very long time. It makes me happy and whole and the knowledge that you love what I write delights me to no end. Many may snub our genre, but good and important writing is just that. I believe in the advancement of women and the right of adults to have consensual, safe sex however they please. I believe in letting stories take us away from the harshness of reality and I think that combining our imaginations and brains with our passions is beautiful. I am proud to be a writer and I am humbled by your recognition of my work. I promise you I will keep writing stories if you promise you will keep reading them.”

She raised her little arms above her head and did
The Shoshanna
. The crowd went berserk and unfortunately so did Shoshanna. I gasped and Luke almost passed out as she reared back and took a running leap into the crowd. Thankfully they caught her. They passed her around the auditorium while my heart slid back down my throat and into my chest.

“That was fucked up,” he muttered, shaking his head. “I can’t believe she just did that.”

“Your mom is nuts.” I laughed and leaned into him.

“Yes. Yes she is,” he agreed, and grabbed my hand. “Come on, we’re up.”

Fuck.

I walked out onto the stage as the crowd placed a flushed and thrilled Shoshanna back up on the runway. She gave me a big thumbs-up and jogged over to the podium. “And now for the big finish,” she yelled, and gave Medusa the cue for the music.

I felt nauseous as I hit my pose. Four minutes. Only four minutes and I would be home free. I could do that. Rocky came out from the back and approached me with some dance moves that made me giggle. I hadn’t seen these in rehearsal and waited in fear and anticipation for the rest of them. They did not disappoint . . .

F
our women tried to charge the stage. They were yanked down and thrown unceremoniously off by Mrs. C and Edith, who seemed to take great pleasure in crowd control. Standing motionless in my mannequin pose, I watched Cheech. He was almost done with his tribal grunt circle, and then it was Teddy’s turn. Cesar, who’d gone after Rocky, had done at least twenty cartwheels and seven toe touches. I had to close my eyes at several points because he had split his speedo. I was fairly sure he had done this on purpose, but the ladies in the audience roared their approval. When Cheech finally finished, he pointed to his crotch and made his member twitch. I swallowed back my bile. That one even shocked some of the gals in the front . . .

Teddy’s approach was dramatic and alarming. He crawled on all fours, swinging his hair as if it was on fire. He slowly rose, running his hands all over his body, giving some extra loving attention to his gold-covered manbits. I tried not to snort. Glancing to the audience, I locked eyes with Jim, who was laughing hysterically. I was tempted to flip him the bird, but realized that it just wasn’t the time or place.

Teddy began to hump the air slowly around me and gained speed as the tempo of the music increased. Between his twerking and his hair, he was a blur of gross. The ladies in the house disagreed. The screaming and jumping spurred Teddy to get even wilder. I was worried he might have a heart attack or drop dead from exhaustion on the stage. Nope. He finished and cupped himself as he proudly walked off.

It was Luke’s turn. He was to come out and kiss me silly. I would wake up and we’d go live happily ever after. Thank God.

He walked out onto the stage and the music stopped. I looked over in alarm at Shoshanna, who shrugged in confusion. The crowd started to whisper. Oh hell, what were we supposed to do now? Luke was the only one who was unfazed with the change of plans. He sauntered out to me and went on as if the music was still pounding. He puckered up and kissed the daylights out of me. My knees gave out and I held on to him for dear life. The crowd loved it. The whistling and cheering, along with all the blood roaring in my ears, was all I could hear. Luke’s satisfied smile as he held my noodley body up was gorgeous.

“Ladies,” he said to the audience. “And gentlemen,” he added, acknowledging Jim. “I’d like to take a moment of your time to do something very important. Would that be all right with you?”

“Will you take your clothes off?” someone shouted.

“Um, no.” He laughed. “But I will flex.” This seemed to satisfy the randy group.

Shoshanna rushed out and put the mic into Luke’s hand. “This is my son, Duke LeHump,” she shouted, and slapped him on the behind. The screaming was deafening and I was getting nervous.

“I’d like to share my story,” he told the rapt group. “I’ve been a cover model for a very long time. It’s been dangerous and satisfying. I have seen and done things as a cover model that I am not proud of, but I wouldn’t change any of it. I’ve taken my life into my own hands on numerous occasions and it’s been hell, but it’s made me both stronger and wiser. It has made me who I am in this moment and I’m good with that.”

I rolled my eyes at his story with two meanings as the gals in the house oohhed and aahhed. Clearly they agreed that cover modeling was life threatening.

“Hey Duke, I thought you were going to flex!” one of his fans yelled.

“Right,” he said with a laugh, and gave the gals what they wanted. As cheesy as it was, I had to admit I was turned on. His body was a freakin’ work of art . . . and it was mine. “As I was saying,” he continued. “I’ve decided to get out of the cover model business and move on to the next chapter of my life. I have met my soul mate and I’d like you all to meet her. Her name is Mandy Dandermanschmidt. She’s hotter than hell and an animal in the sack.”

Oh my God. The heat raced up my neck and I wanted to slug him. What in the hell was he doing? The ladies were loving it. We were a freakin’ erotic romance novel come to life.

“She wasn’t easy to catch,” he told the audience, and winked at them, “but I’m very good at what I do and wasn’t going to take no for an answer.”

I gave him the stink eye and tried to leave the stage. This was not part of the plan. Where in the hell was the music? He grabbed my hand and pulled me firmly to his side. He was enjoying himself immensely and I was going to shoot him later.

“I’ve decided to do something and share it with all of you today. I feel my chances are better if I have your support.”

WTF?

He got down on one knee, and the crowd erupted into a frenzy. I could vaguely hear them in the background, but my heart was beating so loudly in my head, I was almost unaware of my surroundings. Luke’s eyes were full of mischief and adoration. I forgot we were on a stage and that I was dressed like a hooker wearing a pointy studded dog collar around my neck. I couldn’t see that he was dressed in leather and chains . . . all I could see was him. The real him—the beautiful flawed man who wanted the flawed girl.

“I am so in love with you. I don’t want to live another day without you in it. If you say no to me today, I will hound you and possibly handcuff you to my bed until you say yes. You are perfect for me and I am perfect for you. Will you marry me?”

Everything got blurry. My stomach was in knots and I tasted the salt of my tears. I was so grateful I’d put on waterproof mascara. My hands shook and I searched for my voice. He was insane. I couldn’t believe that he’d just asked me to marry him in front of five hundred erotic romance fans, but somehow it was right . . .

“Yes,” I whispered through my tears. “I’ll marry you, you idiot.”

“She said yes,” he shouted into the mic, and the fans roared their approval. He picked me up and swung me around. Shoshanna and Medusa were sobbing with joy on the sidelines and the old dykes and Jim were doing a dance in the front row. Camera flashes were going off like fireworks and I couldn’t stop my tears.

“You are fucking crazy,” I hissed as I buried my head in his neck.

“I know,” he said, and grinned. “And you love it.”

He was right. I did. He told the crowd he’d be buying my ring on Monday and Shoshanna would post a picture on her website. He flexed a few more times and then kissed me senseless at the urging of the crowd. I wanted to call my mom and Mitch and Rena and Steve, but that would have to wait . . . there was still a twerk fest to get through.

Cesar, Cheech, Rocky, and Teddy had all come out to congratulate us. I noticed that Rocky and Teddy had liberally sprayed their bodies with oil and Cesar and Cheech had donned leather coats with the Mexican flag emblazoned across the back. Teddy’s hug left me dripping in grease, but it was nothing a long hot shower with my fiancé wouldn’t solve. I touched Luke’s fingers to make sure this was all happening. His smile made my insides dance with joy. How in the hell did I end up getting a happily-ever-after?

“Hey Ladies,” Teddy sang into the mic he’d pilfered from Luke. “Are you ready to twerk?” he grunted, punctuating each word with a spastic hip thrust.

Of course the ladies were ready, evidenced by the air humping that was mounting in the audience. Holy hell, I was glad we had a plan to leave the stage. Medusa looked as if she was going to explode and Shoshanna held her back as she went for Teddy’s neck. Teddy, oblivious to everyone except himself and Rocky, turned the music up and went to town.

“Follow me,” Cesar shouted above the noise. “We need to haul ass before we get forced to twerk.”

“Right behind you,” Luke said as he grabbed my hand. We made a run for it just as Medusa was making her way across the stage to us.

“Go, go, go,” Cheech said as we hustled past the offstage area to a hallway behind the ballroom.

“There’s a door to the left,” Cesar huffed, and ran faster. “We can hide there till it’s over.”

Cesar and Cheech slowed and looked back, checking for Medusa. Luke and I ran ahead. The room was exactly where they’d said it was. The door was unlocked and we slipped in easily. I was breathing hard and laughing at the same time. The violent slam of the door behind us jolted me out of my silly place and made my insides tingle uneasily. Luke stiffened beside me and I knew we’d been had. This could not be happening . . . but it was.

We slowly turned around. Cesar and Cheech stood in front of the door. Cheech pushed the flaps of his coat back and revealed several vicious looking knives and a Glock with a silencer. His smile was genuine and it made my stomach roil. Luke was as unarmed as I was. We were fucked.

“So,” Cesar said politely. “I’d like to thank you for making this so easy. It was so helpful of you to fall in love and to show up together at the same place. It saved time. You see, Cheech can be a loose cannon and I have to keep a close eye on him. He gets antsy and that pisses me off. I’d hate to have to kill my brother after I’ve lost so many recently.”

“Fuck to the you,” Cheech hissed at Cesar. “I could kill you so fast.”

“Shut up,” Cesar snapped. “I was fucking talking to
Candy and Luke
. Not you, you stupid asshole.”

Luke covertly squeezed my hand. The only chance we had was to get them to kill each other and that was a long shot. A very long shot. Make them talk—make them monologue. They were stupid and egotistical. They would want us to know how smart they were. Playing dumb could work to our advantage.

“What’s going on?” I asked, feigning confusion. I smiled and shook my head.

“Come, come now, Candace Sanderson. I’ve been looking at your picture for months. You’re actually more beautiful in person. It will be sad to cut up such beauty, but a man has to do what a man has to do. I’m sure you understand.”

“Let her leave. I’m the one who took out most of your family,” Luke said.

“Do I look like a fucking idiot to you?” Cesar screamed; the veins in his neck bulged and his eyes were wild. “That fucking bitch killed my brother and then you came down and killed half of my fucking family. You’re both going to die.”

Cheech put his hand on his brother’s arm. “You will to calm the fuck down. I will do something nice for you.”

It happened in slow motion, and I knew if I made it out of this room alive, I would replay those horrific moments over and over till I went insane. Cheech pulled his gun and shot Luke point blank in the chest. He didn’t stand a chance—no one would have. The impact of the bullet entering Luke’s body threw him up against the wall and he slid back down it with a sickening thud. There was blood everywhere and his eyes were closed. I heard myself scream, but it came from far away . . . like it was in a movie or a dream. In those short seconds, life ceased to have any meaning for me. I should have known I wouldn’t get a happy ending. Things like that didn’t materialize for people like me. I knew I’d leave this room in a body bag—I just needed to make sure they did too.

“What the fuck?” Cesar shouted, and backhanded his brother across the face. “That was not what we agreed to do, you stupid fucking ass.”

“I do the thing that is nice to you and you hit me?” Cheech growled, wiping the blood from his mouth. “How about I shoot you?”

“Shut up,” Cesar ground out. “He was supposed to watch us kill her first. We were supposed to make him fucking suffer,” he screamed, and began moving erratically around the small space. Cheech stood there, still unable to piece together what he had done wrong.

I had a fast decision to make. It was simple. Cesar could kill me, but I was going to take Cheech out. With one bullet he had ruined my life and he would die. It was my final gift to Luke. I refused to look at his dead body. I would not remember him that way. As the brothers argued, I slowly removed the spiked collar from my neck. When conventional weapons were unavailable, one made do with unconventional ones. Cesar’s pacing had a rhythm and Cheech followed his brother with his eyes. It was as if they’d forgotten about me, and that was good. I steadied my breathing and wrapped the collar around my hand with the spikes out. I’d have only one chance. I was happy he’d removed his jacket; his jugular would be easier to find. The spikes were long enough that if I hit him right and dug in and twisted he would bleed out quickly. If he dropped, I could possibly snap his neck, but Cesar would be on me before that could happen.

“Cut her,” Cesar hissed. “Do something fucking right in your life for once and cut her face.”

I knew I could fight him, but I wouldn’t. If he sliced my cheek, he would be right where I wanted him. No pain—no gain.

Cheech approached with a sadistic grin on his face and I held my ground, even offering my cheek. “Ohhhhh, little murder whore just gonna stand there? What in the heck of the fun will that be?”

I said nothing. I simply stared and waited.

Unnerved, he pulled a blade from the collection on his body and sliced down my cheek clear to the bone. The burning pain hissed through my body and I felt the warm blood gush from my cheek. That was nothing compared to the pain in my heart. I smiled at him and winked, confusing and angering him. He reared back to come at my face again, but I was faster. I was faster and better and far more precise than he would ever be. I swung my arm with all my might and connected with his neck. I heard the pop, insuring I had hit my mark. I ground the spike in and twisted to the right. His terrified screams were music to my ears. I barely even felt the severe punch to my face before the excessive blood loss made him drop like a sack of potatoes. As he hit, I lifted my foot and pierced his neck with my stiletto boot to make sure the job was done.

I’d accomplished my goal and it was my turn to die. I was actually okay with it, but I needed to make Cesar hurt.

He flew across the room and backhanded me across the face with the butt of his gun. I saw stars and I felt queasy and dizzy. Hurt him. I had to hurt him. My collar lay embedded in his brother’s neck and I had nothing.

“You fucking
puta,
I wanted to do it right,” he screamed, waving his gun in my face. “I was supposed to cut you up and inject you with smack and let you bleed out, but you have fucked me up.” He was so angry, he was getting sloppy. “You killed two of my brothers and now I will kill you—and trust me . . . this will hurt.”