Corporate Carnival (14 page)

‘Is this Pedro chap short and cute?’ Peggy asked.

‘No! Far from it. Why?’

‘Oh, somehow, that’s the way I picture him, going by his name. Pedro Pindo – whatever. Like Dudley Moore.’

‘He’s tall and well-built with rippling muscles. More like a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Popeye.’

We went on to talk about products and the relative absence of good quality in-house research. ‘The brand is brilliant,’ Harry said. ‘People are willing to move money in, but then what? We don’t have our own brokerage arm, our research is too macro. Clients like specific product ideas that they can act on. I reckon that’s where we lose out.’

We got around to discussing Ahmed and the newly proposed NRP team. There was talk that Ahmed was in the process of opening a 200 million dollar account. There were rumours that it was ‘political’ money being channelled through an offshore trust. Omar, who had some common friends with Ahmed, told us that the new compliance chap, Jan Kahn, was a family friend of Ahmed’s and that he was a Pakistani too, or at least of Pakistani origin. His original name was Jansher Khan and after a stint in Europe, he changed it to Jan Kahn and went to the extent of pronouncing his first name as ‘Yan’ rather than Jan, to make it sound European.

‘I’ll let you in on a secret,’ Omar told us, a little hesitantly. ‘I learnt this from a friend of mine who works at a hotel in town. You won’t believe this, but on Thursday, Ahmed had arranged for both Peter and Jan to be put up at the hotel with some, er… escorts. He had booked rooms for both of them and they checked out the next morning. I was shocked when I heard this. I can understand Ahmed arranging this kind of thing for Jan, but for the CEO! It’s crazy, I know, but I heard this from a senior hotel employee. He said a cleaner had called him that morning after they checked out, saying there was blood on the carpet, but it was only some ketchup. The girls had ordered burgers very early in the morning. It’s ridiculous, I know, and I’m sure you don’t believe me.’

Everyone laughed except me.

‘The ketchup story is droll,’ Harry said. ‘It’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all month. But I say, I mean, really! The hotel chap must have been pulling your leg, Omar. I think it’s just a lot of poppycock. It can’t be true.’

‘It
is
true,’ I announced, remembering my encounter with Ahmed at the hotel the other day. ‘I believe Omar entirely. I paid for the escorts – three thousand dirhams!’

I told them my little story, enjoying their rapt, open-mouthed attention.

‘Well, there you go, sweethearts,’ said Rachel at her caustic best, stretching out her arms. ‘That’s the moral of the story. If we want to be stars, we should spend less time on business and turn into pimps. Quick results. Watch out for Ahmed’s bonus next year.’

‘But this is insane!’ Harry protested.

‘Peggy, I don’t think this is the place for us. Maybe we should all look for another job. Perhaps an investment house will suit us best. Can’t we talk to Goldman Sachs or Morgan Stanley? They’ve both got offices in Dubai.’

‘Peggy, they took two months to approve Harsh’s perfectly legal three million dollar account. And now, they see no problems with a 200 million account? One that stinks of corruption from a mile away? If the colour of money does not matter, we can open our doors to Indian black money. I’m sure we can rake in billions.’

‘We thought we were joining a British bank. It’s turned into a Dutch-Pakistani outfit!’

‘Listen, guys, girls. There’s nothing wrong with the bank. It’s just that we’ve got ourselves into a bind out here. Look, I’m alive to all our problems. In fact, I’ve been working on something for a few weeks now. But there is nothing that can be done right now. So can I just ask all of you to put your heads down and keep working hard. Keep your clients in good humour and look after them well, as always. They are your assets and always will be. And now, I’m afraid I must share with you some bad news. This is hardly the time to be telling you this, but there is probably never a right moment for this. Look, the bank has not made any massive staff cuts anywhere in the world and none at all in Europe. European governments have been pressurizing all banks to cut costs. AbAd… I mean, AdAb, has decided that there’s going to be a salary freeze across the globe. So, come January, we hold onto our existing pay packets, but get no increment.’

There was a silence. ‘And bonuses, Peggy?’

‘I don’t know, guys, to be honest. I did ask, but they are not used to direct questions over here. They looked at me like I had committed blasphemy. But I’ll find out, I promise, and I’ll let you know. But please, let’s stick together and keep the faith. Good things will happen.’

‘Like the Bhagavad Gita says,’ Gavas added, adding a touch of the spiritual to this sordid discussion on money and sex, ‘do your duty. Excel in what you do. Don’t waste your time expecting results.’

I always found it funny when Gavas said such things because he was so young; in fact, he was quite the baby of the team.

‘Well, there’s a man who always practises what he preaches,’ said Peggy, smiling at him. ‘Are you eating anything today, Gavas? I can see lunch coming in.’

‘No, I’m fasting,’ he replied. ‘I’ve ordered my lunch separately.’

So while the rest of us ate biryani with tomato and onion raita, Gavas ate a plate of French fries, a packet of walnuts and almonds and a double scoop of butterscotch ice-cream. It was a moot point, who was eating and who was fasting.

‘There are two other bits of news. One, Jack, do you remember that Sir Sid had initiated moves to bring in Shakira Kan?’

I stared at her blankly, waiting for something to register.

‘Or is it Shakir Kan?’ she muttered, eyes closed, forehead creased, trying hard to recollect the name. ‘Shakoor Kan
?
’

‘Oh, you mean Shahrukh Khan!’

‘Sorry, Sharook Khan. Or that other star, Amitabh
.
By the way, is his surname pronounced Bacon or Bayshun
?
’

Kitch waved his hands impatiently. ‘Doesn’t matter. We understand.’

She continued, ‘Our budget has been reduced to less than a quarter. You know how things are nowadays. Jai, honey, do you think we can get either of these guys for about forty thousand dollars?’

‘For that amount, Peggy,’ I replied, ‘we would only get lookalikes of those two. There are lots of star lookalikes in India, you know, like your Elvis impersonators. Amitabh Bachchan and Shahrukh Khan are huge, Peggy. Forty thousand dollars must be like peanuts to them.’

‘Damn! We’ll have to see what to do about that. The other news is that the bank has decided to go ahead with this year’s off-site at Udaipur as originally planned. But they have decided to cut the proposed cost by half. All staff from grade 2 downwards – that means all of us – will be travelling economy. We also have to share rooms.’

‘
No!
’ All the occupants of the room rose as one in protest.

‘Peggy! This is awful!’

‘The last time I shared a room was when I was doing my articleship during my CA!’

‘Wow! Can I share a room with Rachel?’

‘I want that hot green-eyed babe from investment services!’

‘What misers they are!’

‘Losers!’

‘I know a joke about a Dutch guy.’

‘I’m not coming!’

‘I snore in my sleep.’

‘Will Peter and Jan also have to share rooms? Then they won’t be able to have all the fun they want.’

‘Maybe they can have fun together!’

‘Guys, please! Stop. You are behaving like a bunch of schoolkids. This has nothing to do with the Dutch or anyone else. Can we please not bring individual nationalities into this discussion? Thank you. Listen! Being a Dutch institution is a matter of pride and strength. No two ways about that, as far as I’m concerned. Unilever, Phillips, ING, Ahold, UniFoods, Rabo, Adriaan… these are rock-solid names. The management says they are doing this to encourage people from different cultures and people from the two banks to bond together. It’s not a bad idea at all. If we behave sensibly, I don’t see why we can’t get some serious fun out of this. Now chin up, please, and if you’ve finished your biryanis and fries and… Oh, my god, Gavas! Don’t tell me you finished that ice-cream all by yourself, sweetheart! I thought you were going to share it with the rest of us!’

As we were leaving the room, Rachel tugged at my shirt. ‘Wait,’ she hissed. I stopped.

‘Jack!’ she said. ‘I need your help. It’s about Andy and me.’

‘Hmmm,’ I said, trying to remain noncommittal. I wasn’t sure where this was going. I had spoken to Kitch about it earlier and he didn’t think it was worth giving it a thought because, knowing his younger brother, it wouldn’t last very long. Andy and Rach were both at loose ends and that was probably what brought them together, he felt.

‘Don’t say hmmm! I want help, Jack. I want you to talk to Andy’s parents for me.’

My knees gave way and I collapsed into a chair. ‘Rach, you must be joking! I mean, c’mon, Rach! You can’t be serious about this, surely!’

‘Why not?’

‘But the two of you, Rach! I mean you are so, well, so mature and…’

‘Are you saying I’m too old for him?’ Her eyes were blazing.

‘No, no, of course not,’ I said quickly. ‘But we can’t deny Andy is a good four or five years younger than you.’

‘Well, how about Sachin Tendulkar, then?’ she asked, her chin up. ‘He married someone five years older and look how the whole country worships him!’

‘How do you know about Sachin Tendulkar?’ I said in surprise. Rachel had never had a clue about cricket.

‘Andy told me.’

I looked at her earnestly. Her eyes were cold, grey and forbidding, like the weather in London. ‘Rach, he is only twenty-three and just a few years out of college. He’s a kid. You have to give this relationship some time to test it. It isn’t that serious.’

She grabbed the front of my shirt, tie and all, hauled me off the chair and shook me. Gosh, this girl was strong. ‘
I’ll
be the decider of that, Jack Patel!’ she hissed. ‘I’m
very
serious about this. I’m more serious about this than I have ever been about anything in my life.’

I adjusted my tie and my faculties and stood a little distance away from her. This was not the Rachel I knew. I fixed a thoughtful eye on her. In return, she singed me with hers.

I tried again. ‘Listen, Rach, honey, this is not a movie. You are a mature girl.
Not
old, just mature. Andy’s a kid. And he’s a kid with conservative parents who are so concerned about him they’ve made me a guardian of sorts. They sent him here so he could make something of his career. From what I know of him, he’s nowhere near the settling down stage.’ I paused to see how she was taking it. She wasn’t angry, but she looked saddened, disappointed.

‘I don’t have much of a family, Jack,’ she said quietly. ‘There’s my mother, who couldn’t care less, and her sister, who is well meaning but little else. I’ve been on my own for ten years now. But I know that Indians like you and Kitch and Andy are all about family. His parents wouldn’t accept me if Andy or I went to them. I hoped… in fact, I was sure you’d help. I love Andy terribly. I’m crazy about him. I’ve seen a lot of him these four months. Believe me, he’s not a kid, Jack. He may be a bit of a baby in some ways, but he’s actually very spiritual.’

‘Rach, please! Give me a break.’

‘I don’t mean in a religious sense. But he understands people. He knows how to handle people. He can empathize. And he can give. Do you know that maid who works in my house, that girl, Sarla?’

‘Er… yes,’ I mumbled, wondering how she came into the picture.

‘When she went to the airport about a year ago to go back to India, she found that her visa had been cancelled. There was a misunderstanding between the Arab sponsor and her agent and the sponsor cancelled her visa without even telling her. Since then she was living here illegally because she had no choice. Her young children are in India and were waiting for her to get back. I knew all this but simply accepted it as one of those things. When Andy heard her story a few weeks ago, he was almost in tears. He went and met the sponsor, the consulate office and the immigration officials and he sorted the matter out for her. He’s young, Jai, but he’s not a kid. Do you know he once slapped his lecturer in college?’

‘No! And you want to associate with a man like that?’

‘I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. He slapped him because he was flirting and laughing with another teacher while your national anthem was being sung.’

I remained quiet.

‘Jack, I need your help. Do this for me.
Please!
You are the only one who knows both me and his parents well.’

‘But sweetheart, what’s the hurry? You can see how things go for the next couple of years and then, you know, figure out what you want to do.’

‘That would have been fine; only, Andy’s parents are about to foist some Indian girl from the US on him next year. Andy said both Kitch and you know the family. He says he doesn’t mind just going ahead and getting married to me right here right now, but I don’t want to do that, Jack. I don’t want to break up his family. I have been without roots all my life. Now I feel I’ve found something I want to hold onto. He’s given me a completely different perspective of life. He has so much time for others, so much compassion, it’s incredible. He sends ten per cent of his salary every month to a charity in India. He has arranged for a collection centre in his building to give to Rashid Paediatric every month. And I’ve spent the last few years in bars and clubs and parties, thinking I was leading the good life. I won’t let go of him, Jack. I love him so much. I feel so secure, so comfortable when I’m with him. He is the horse I’m riding now…’

‘Rach, please! Let’s keep it clean, shall we? I mean, this is a family book!’

‘Don’t be daft, Jack! I meant my rocking horse. My father died when I was very young and I used to spend hours sitting on my wooden horse, crying and rocking myself to sleep, day after day. Now that rocking horse is Andy. You haven’t really spent time with him, Jack. For you, he’s just Kitch’s kid brother. But you know what, Jack? He’s a wonderful human being with great depth of character. Andy doesn’t just look at people, he sees inside them, Jack.
Jack!
’