Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (75 page)

At the heart of the victim’s wounded emotions is the feeling of powerlessness—feeling unable to make healthy choices in circumstances and relationships. Left with a damaged sense of self-worth, unhealed victims of abuse develop unhealthy beliefs and behaviors. Because of a past lack of control, victims often have a hidden fear of being controlled and therefore become overcontrolling. Those who have been extensively victimized generally struggle with severe emotional side effects:

— Accepting abuse, blame, condemnation, and injustice

— Being critical of self and others

— Being desperate for approval

— Being unable to set boundaries

— Being unable to accept compliments

— Being a people-pleaser

— Being defensive

Those who have a warped view of themselves often have a warped view of God. When people feel unworthy of love, respect, and approval from others, often they feel even more unworthy of God’s love, respect, and approval. Their faulty beliefs lead them to draw faulty conclusions about God. These wrong beliefs about God serve only to sabotage their relationship with God and kill their hope that they could be valued and used by God.

— Of abandonment

— Of rejection

— Of failure

— Of affection

— Of intimacy

— Of authority figures

— Of God

Fear
is a natural emotion designed by God. However,
fearfulness
is not designed by God, for fearfulness means living in a
state of fear
.

“God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind”

(2 T
IMOTHY
1:7
NKJV
).

— In control

— In work

— In organization

— On food

— On drugs/alcohol

— On people

— On religion

— Addictions

— Perfectionism

— Irresponsibility

— Repeated victimization

— Cleanliness

Abusers leave their innocent victims with abiding feelings of rejection and personal defectiveness. Constant fear that their “stains” will be exposed causes the abused to develop destructive ways of relating to others. These self-protective patterns of behavior are pitfalls to healthy adult relationships and decrease the ability to know God intimately.

An A-B-U-S-E-D person typically has several of these characteristics:

— Frigidity/impotence

— Promiscuity

— Sexual identity confusion

— Nightmares

— Insomnia

— Restlessness

— Anorexia

— Bulimia

— Overeating

— Memory blocks

— Flashbacks

— Memory loss

Those who are repeatedly victimized often struggle with obstacles to their spiritual growth. They have…

— Perceive God as being distant and disinterested

— Perceive God as being indifferent to their pain

— Think God is responsible for bad things that happen

— Think God is unfair, cruel, and unloving

— Consider God to be unrestricted in the use of His power

— Consider God to be undependable

— Feel God has abandoned them

— Feel God has ascribed no value to them

— See God as impossible to please

— See God as condemning, punitive, and vindictive

— Believe God is hurtful, insensitive, and unpredictable

— Believe God is selfish, controlling, and inconsistent

— Know God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-present

— Know God is a force to be reckoned with

— Know God is eternal and sovereign

— Hope God will bless them for their church-related activities

— Hope God will bless them for their service to others

— Struggle with being honest and open with God

— Struggle with giving their hearts and lives to God

“I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes…Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me”

(R
OMANS
1:16; R
EVELATION
3:20).

Yes, but it will not come instantaneously. As you walk the path to recovery, the old ways of thinking about yourself are replaced with truths about how God sees you and your circumstances. The following steps will help you move from victim to victor, enabling God to direct your steps along the Road to Transformation.

— Accept that pain is a part of this life, common to everyone, and you are one among many victims.

— Begin to see your life from God’s perspective—He is in control and wants to bless you and conform you to the image of His Son, Jesus.

— Seek appropriate help from those whom you trust—those who are spiritually and emotionally mature and skilled enough to help you.

— Learn to relax and allow yourself time to meaningfully connect with God and significant persons around you.

— Believe in and trust in the promises of God’s Word. Allow His Word to “reprogram” your thought processes to replace the lies of your past with His eternal truth.

“Trust in the L
ORD
with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight”

(P
ROVERBS
3:5-6).

There is no solid solution to the serious side-effects of being victimized apart from the supernatural work of the Spirit of God within the lives of victims. Such a work is based on having a personal relationship with God and seeing Him as He really is—a gracious and compassionate heavenly Father full of tender mercies. This usually requires replacing distorted images of God with the truth about His character. It requires maturing in the Lord, walking with Him on a daily basis, confiding in Him, learning to trust Him for life itself.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will”

(R
OMANS
12:2).

When you were a child, you did not have control over those in authority over you, but as a grownup, that is no longer the case. You are now able to choose those with whom you associate, and you can certainly control your self-talk. Therefore, you can take an active part in changing the distorted view you have of yourself, with these steps:

—
Accept yourself
. Stop striving for perfection or to be like someone else.

Realize the Lord made you for a purpose, and He designed your personality and gave you the gifts and abilities He wanted you to have in order to accomplish His purpose for you.

“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the L
ORD
’s purpose that prevails”

(P
ROVERBS
19:21).

—
Acknowledge and praise God for the abilities He has given you
and the things He has accomplished through you. Engage in encouraging self-talk and silence the critic inside your head.

“May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word”

(2 T
HESSALONIANS
2:16-17).

—
Release past negative experiences and focus on a positive future
. Refuse to dwell on negative things said or done to you in the past; instead, release them to God. Embrace the work God is doing in your life now.

“For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose”