Courage: Overcoming Fear and Igniting Self-Confidence (7 page)

The Code of Divine Guidance asserts that there is a power, a creative spiritual force, that is beyond our human imagination. I call it “divine” because it can literally change the entire trajectory of our lives and rearrange our thoughts, our feelings, our actions, our choices, and our future. When we trust that our best interest and the evolution of our souls are the Divine’s highest priorities, we will feel the spark inside of us, the spark that is always there—driving us, urging us, and nudging us to evolve. There is nothing to fear, because every single thing that is happening is happening to deliver us a lesson, an insight, or a key ingredient to bring us closer to our highest self and support us in the evolution of our souls . . . whether we can see it or not, whether we believe it or not. The experiences that have challenged us are merely opportunities to know ourselves, to learn, to grow, and to step into the highest, wisest parts of ourselves.

So why can’t we see everyone and everything as God, as a part of the Divine? It is because we don’t see ourselves this way. We don’t think that our every breath is God’s breath. We think it is our breath. We don’t see every cell in our bodies as a divine cell, a part of a great organism that helps us to stay alive and carry out our soul’s mission. We don’t think that all our thoughts are God’s thoughts. We think they are our thoughts. We judge our negative thoughts as bad and wrong if they do not empower us. We can’t even distinguish our divine thoughts because we’re so busy listening to the negative thoughts inside our own minds. But without these negative thoughts, we would never have the impulse to improve ourselves, to try to be more than we are or to transcend our human nature.

We have to rewire our thinking. We have to break the pattern. We are in denial about so many things in life because we are in denial about our primary relationship—our relationship with the Divine. Denying our divine nature is what keeps us stuck in the negativity and limitations of our human existence. If we are to rewire our thinking, we must start from the beginning. We must find the divinity in every situation, circumstance, and experience. When we look through divine eyes, there is no judgment, no need to be righteous or to make ourselves wrong. We must be reborn right in front of our own eyes. To believe it is to see it, and when we awaken to our true essence, we suddenly have access to a divine self that is infused with power, strength, and courage.

No longer do we have to work so hard or try to be someone we are not, because we find that we are something beyond our imagination. When we are aware of the miracle that we are, we take pleasure in our exhales, trust in the miraculous nature of our bodies, and know that there is something greater than ourselves keeping us alive each day. But as soon as we go to sleep to the miracle that is life, we go to sleep to the miracle of our true divine essence. As soon as we turn our head from the truth of our perfection, we throw ourselves into a cesspool of negative thoughts of individualism.

We’ve all had at least a fleeting experience of a deep connection with the Divine in a meditation, in a moment of realization, or at a time when we felt blessed by the universe because everything was going our way. We were able to see the beauty and perfection in everything and everybody, and all the little things washed away and failed to bother us. But as quickly as that moment came, it probably left just as fast, and we were pulled back into the battle between our head (our ego) and our heart, living inside the old paradigm that there are good people and there are bad people. And from this limited perspective, we fall back into the ego’s fear, which pushes us right back into our minds and separates us from the only thing that can fully give us back all of our power, all of our courage, and all of our confidence.

The Divine is always speaking to us, guiding us. We are the ones who choose whether or not to listen. We may choose not to listen because of our fear, our addictions, our cravings, or old habits that have taken over and wiped out the beautiful voice of the Divine within. But if we listen closely, we will be able to hear the messages we’re receiving. We will know when we have the impulse to take a risk and when we feel we should sit still and wait. Our divine intuition can guide us toward what to eat to be healthier or when to leave a relationship that isn’t working. No matter how big or small the issue, the Divine can be our guide, and its guidance can come in many forms. It may come as a subtle intuitive knowing or an overt wake-up call, like a fall in the parking lot that warns us to slow down and not rush. It could be an uncomfortable knot in our belly, or a message from a friend. Whatever its form, this divine impulse is with us all the time, trying to get our attention, wanting us to make our choices from the highest place. Either we can hear it or we can resist it. We can trust it or we can ignore it. It is ultimately our choice.

Looking back, I can see so clearly what was keeping me from following my divine guidance. And now I ask you, What is keeping you from following yours? Perhaps you have an agenda, some other plan you’re attached to, or an outcome you are committed to achieving, and so you are unwilling to see that your plan might not be right for you. This would make you not want to trust any divine message trying to come to you. Maybe you harbor resentment or anger toward the Divine for the very situations and circumstances in your life where you’ve been betrayed, hurt, or disappointed. Or you may believe that if there really were this all-powerful force, everything would be perfect in your life and nothing bad would ever happen to you. The bottom line is that you may not trust or believe in the Divine. You may not trust that there’s a bigger plan because if you do believe it, you might be wrong. Instead of mistrusting your arrogant ego self, the very part of you that delivered you to the circumstances you are living right now, you mistrust the part of yourself that’s been trying to guide, warn, protect, and support you.

In order to live the Code of Divine Guidance, you need to find the willingness to hand all your worries, your struggles, and your troubles over to a power greater than yourself. Instead of gathering evidence to reinforce everything you have known and everything you have believed inside your ego self, you must bring forth conscious awareness, and choose to have faith. Learning how to connect with and trust in your divine self will open you up to levels of magic and healing your ego could never even begin to imagine. The Code of Divine Guidance invites you to embrace your divine nature and call forth the part of you that knows with absolute faith that every relationship, circumstance, and event is part of your unique divine plan.

To ignite your confidence and reclaim your courage, you must step into the highest vision of who you are. The only way to do this is to make the journey back into the arms of the Divine. Within each painful experience lie seeds of wisdom and the opportunity for new beginnings. The ending of a relationship, for example, can feel hurtful and traumatic, yet it is also a potent time for transformation. A failed business can lead you to opening up to a whole new career and an understanding of your bigger purpose. The Code of Divine Guidance assures you that you are connected to a power that will support you fully in the process of stepping into courage and confidence and transforming your life into something new and more fulfilling than you thought possible.

Although you may believe you have a connection with the Divine, there may still be one area of your life where you are stuck, where you can’t find courage and confidence, where you can see you are living from your head rather than your heart. You may still believe you can do it all yourself. This false sense of pride will prevent you from seeing your life with clear eyes. Your ego will remain in charge until you step outside your righteous belief that you are simply an independent and separate being. As long as this myth is intact, you keep the door closed to your higher wisdom.

However, when you step into humility, the doorway through which the Divine can walk into your life, you will be able to recognize that you do not and cannot always know what’s in your highest and best interest. When you have faith and trust in the Divine, you will discover the confidence that there is good in your present circumstances even though you may not see it at the moment. Faith opens the door to new understandings, new views, and it gives you access to new perspectives. Living the Code of Divine Guidance allows you to open your heart and mind to the possibility that miracles—unexpected positive events, circumstances, or realities that you didn’t believe could or would happen—exist in every moment. When you are connected to the Divine, real change can occur.

When you connect with your spiritual self, a whole new world opens up. You can see situations in a new light. You can feel good even in the midst of a crisis. You can access a powerful source of wisdom that is unavailable when you are dealing only with your mind and what you believe to be the truth. So you must open this doorway and believe in yourself—your whole self—like never before. It is time to stand for all of who you are instead of just parts of who you are. You must look to see where you have closed the door—or never even opened it—to the wisest part of yourself.

THE DIVINE GUIDANCE PROCESS

Find a cozy corner where you can comfortably write. Take a few minutes for reflection, and then write down your answers to the following inquiries:

1.
Memorable moments of guidance:
Make a list of the most memorable experiences you have had when you felt connected to a force, an energy, that you sensed was coming from a divine source. It could just have been a moment of complete exhilaration and being present to the perfection of the universe. What happened? What did it feel like? Was it something you heard, saw, or felt?

2.
Learning from the past:
Make a list of the most significant times in your life when you ignored the clarity and brilliance of your inner wisdom. What were the primary events and the specific messages the Divine was sending you that you didn’t see or recognize at the time?

3.
The obstacles:
Is there a belief that causes you not to accept any kind of higher power? What distracts you from receiving your divine guidance? Let yourself see what beliefs, behaviors, denial, or cynicism prevents you from heeding the messages you are being sent. Write it out here.

4.
The costs:
Identify the costs and the consequences of following your will and not the will of the Divine. What have you lost or given up by ignoring your deeper guidance? Make a list.

5.
Receiving guidance for a current challenge:
Is there a challenging situation happening in your life right now? Tune in to the still, small voice within—the one that feels real, true, and full of wise love—and write down what it wants to say to you now.

Courage Activator

Buy a journal to record your moments of courage and confidence
.
Get one that fits in your handbag so you can keep it with you at all times and add to it whenever you need to do so. Make sure to buy one you really like, one that makes you feel good when you pull it out. If you invest in a journal you love, you will invest more in yourself. Every time you do something you feel good about, something that you feel strengthens your courage and confidence, note it in your journal.

Confidence Builder

In your new journal, write on the first page a list of what you love about yourself. Write down at least seven things. Maybe they’re things you’re good at, natural strengths or skills you developed over time, or qualities you love about yourself. Find one new thing each day to add to your list. (Then, when you feel sad, anxious, or overwhelmed, you can open up your journal, and the first thing you see will be your strengths.)

Courage and Confidence Bonus

Make a list of seven times in your life when you’ve been courageous.

In the Code of Divine Guidance, we begin to cultivate our faith. Now we are ready to move into the Code of Surrender, which allows us to let go of all that we’ve been. It calls on us to let go of old beliefs and habits, our interpretations, our resentments, our judgments, our projections, our excuses, and our self-image and all that comes with it. The Code of Surrender has us look deeply at what we’re holding on to from the past that doesn’t allow us to move forward into a new future—the interpretations, beliefs, and decisions from our past that keep us in the repetitive patterns that undermine our courage and our self-confidence. As a teacher, I find that most people don’t even realize what they’re carrying around with them or how long they’ve carried it. There are two ways to live life! One is to always be mindful and willing to let go of and surrender your righteous opinions and beliefs. The other, and sometimes complementary, way is to realize that something is holding you down and do the work to let it go.

I’m reminded of a story I once heard about a young princess who was known across the land for her beauty, her poise, and her grace. Her constant warm smile and the sparkle of kindness in her eyes inspired her fellow villagers. Every morning the princess took a swim across a placid lake as many of those who were comforted and uplifted by her gathered near the shore. On one very special morning, the princess stepped into the lake and began to glide across the water with lightness and ease. The villagers watched the princess as if in a dream—until they noticed a change that snapped them to attention. As the princess neared the end of her swim, her bliss and confidence seemed to falter, and her body began to look heavy, weighted, and weak. Her admirers could see that something was wrong. Concerned, one of the older wise women who were sitting on the bank remembered the rock that the princess always wore dangling from her wrist. Although she didn’t understand why the princess wore this rock, she hadn’t questioned her about it. After all, she was a princess.

The wise woman, in her old, craggy voice, yelled out to the princess, “Drop the rock! Maybe it’s the rock that’s pulling you down!” The others joined in, shouting in unison, “Drop the rock!” By this time the princess was disappearing under the water for seconds at a time, but each time she was able to kick her way back up to the surface, sputtering for breath as she broke through. However, she was now sinking as much as she was swimming. She could hear the loud cries from the villagers on the shore: “Drop the rock and you will glide again! Drop the rock and you will be free!” As the princess heard their urgent pleas, her attention went to the rock hanging from her wrist, and she noticed the burden of its weight. As her body was pulled down into the water yet again, she remembered her grandfather handing her this rock when she was a young child. He told her she was to carry it to remind her that her duty was to serve the people and protect her kingdom from the enemy across the wall, who would always be looking to harm them. Her grandfather told her, “Never let go of this. With this in your hand, you have the magic to protect your people.”

The young princess, gulping for air as she was being pulled down into the water again, looked incredulously at the rock hanging from her wrist. She had worn this rock with great conviction and couldn’t believe that it could have anything to do with her struggle today, since she had been swimming with the rock every day since she was five years old. As she struggled for longer periods of time, she could hear the many different voices chanting over and over again, “Let go! Drop the rock. Drop the rock.” Between her gasps for breath, she called back to them in a soft, almost inaudible voice, “I can’t. It’s mine . . .”

The wise woman on the bank watched the princess disappear and heard her faint words ringing in her head: “I can’t. It’s mine. I can’t. It’s mine.” She wondered what could be so important that the princess would give up her graceful ease, her freedom of movement, and ultimately her life in order to hold on to somebody else’s wishes. Even though the princess was known across the land for her good judgment and her strength, there was one thing she wasn’t courageous enough to do. She would not let go of what was weighing her down. One more time, the onlookers screamed, “
Drop the rock!
” And the beautiful young princess took her last breath, murmuring, “I can’t. It’s mine.”

There are places in all our lives where we are holding on, where we are trying to exert our will, where we are unwilling to release the burdens of the past. But no matter where they came from or how long we’ve been carrying them, in order to be free we must drop the rocks that could ultimately kill off our passion, our purpose, and our strength. Without letting go, we struggle through life instead of gliding.

In truth, there could have been a different ending to the princess’s story. On the brink of death, the princess surrenders to the pleas of her people. She unravels the bracelet that has held the rock securely in place, letting it fall off and sink to the bottom of the lake. As she floats up and breaks through the surface of the water, her arms open wide, as if to embrace not only her admirers but the world as a whole. Her usual grace and ease are restored as she breathes in the sweetness of the air. Knowing that she has dropped the burden of the past, she resumes her steady strokes to the shore of freedom. Waiting on the shore, her people shout for joy as they run toward the dock to receive her. Puzzled by her near-death experience, the young princess lies down on the sandy shore, grateful that she was able to release the weight of the past. She makes a commitment to herself that she will never again hold on to anything that will keep her from gliding across the waters of life.

What would have allowed the princess to surrender instead of holding on and perishing? Faith—faith that she was being divinely guided. We need this faith to let go, to surrender. Unbound by time and space, the great sages of every tradition invite us into this sanctuary of surrender. Through their poetry and prose, they remind us that we can know in our hearts the deeper truths that our minds too often struggle to reconcile and understand.

It’s natural to want to control our lives as we become adults. But be forewarned: when we don’t take our medicine—when we don’t drink regularly from the healing cup of surrender—the Voice of Resistance will implore us to hold on tighter. It will tell us that in order to get our needs met, we must control and manipulate the outside world. And let me assure you, it is impossible to feel good about ourselves when the fear that we’re going to lose control is running us.

LETTING GO

When I started training a group of students to become Integrative Coaches guiding people through transformational processes based on my body of work, I asked them whether they were holding on to anything that could be robbing them of their courage and confidence. I noticed right away that Barbara blushed profusely as her eyes flashed in a “Busted! How did you know?” kind of way. She confessed that she’d been holding on to a secret, and she offered to share it because she was committed to being a courageous warrior.

Barbara told us, in a voice that shook with fear, that twenty years earlier she had been diagnosed with hepatitis C. She admitted that in her late teens and young adulthood she had been a drug addict, scouring the streets of Harlem to score heroin, which she would shoot up with her boyfriend. We were all shocked by Barbara’s admission, since to us she looked like a nice, middle-aged woman with a sweet demeanor. Although Barbara had freed herself from her addiction, she was engulfed by the shame and guilt of her past. When she started to suffer daily headaches, muscle and joint pain, and fatigue, she sought out a medical explanation. Because she never had the courage to admit her history of IV drug use, she was misdiagnosed for over twenty years. Then a friend from her old drug days called her to tell her that she had been diagnosed with hepatitis C, and Barbara knew she finally had an explanation for what she had thought was just a prolonged case of hypochondria. Barbara admitted that from that day forward she lived in a state of fear, anxiety, and worry that somehow this information (which only her husband and her doctor knew) would get out. She lied about who she was because she refused to accept the truth, and she had been in denial all these years.

When I asked Barbara to tell me what the Voice of Control, a voice fueled by fear, said about her disease, she let it all out. The voice told her that people would reject her for being a junkie, that she would die early from the disease, and that nobody would ever love her if they knew the truth. Worst of all, fear continuously fueled the devastation she felt at the thought that she might have transmitted the disease to her child.

Then I asked Barbara what would be available to her if she surrendered, if she knew that there was something greater than herself planning an amazing future for her that she couldn’t even see. In surrender, Barbara could see that this disease was giving her a huge opportunity to claim her health, her longevity, and her personal growth. She could give herself permission to just take things one step at a time. She could release herself from expecting to figure everything out. And she could honor that she needed to do something in the world that couldn’t be done if she didn’t have this experience.

As I asked Barbara whether she was going to choose the illusion of control over the gift of surrender, whether she was going to choose the voice that made her feel weak and insecure over the Voice of Surrender, she lit up with possibility, gratitude, and excitement. It was thrilling to watch her courage and confidence return. And as I write this, just three months later, Barbara is pursuing a brand-new, cutting-edge medical treatment, writing about her experience, and publishing a hepatitis C recovery blog. Surrender transformed the source of her greatest shame into a key part of her mission—to support people in freeing themselves from the shame and blame of hepatitis C, reclaiming their power, and finding the gifts in their experience.

Barbara demonstrated that to experience surrender, we must face our lives with laserlike honesty. As the I Ching says, “It is only when you have the courage to face things exactly as they are, without any self-deception or illusion, that a light will develop out of events, by which the path to success may be recognized.” To see things exactly as they are, without self-deception or illusion, is easier said than done, because you may be living in a state of denial, a blurred reality that has you look through the excruciatingly limited lens of your history and the stories you have made up about your life and your human limitations. These are the stories that undermine your courage and sap your confidence. You may be living in a fantasy world, wishing and wanting the world to be a particular way, imagining the way things could have been, should have been, or the way you want them to be.

Avoidance—another form of fear—may have you focus on everything but the reality of your life as it is right now, with all the facts and none of the story. You may eat, gossip, blame, party, overwork, or find a hundred other ways to keep your focus on anything other than what wants and needs to be addressed in your life right now. And even though you may want to be strong, courageous, and confident, you may shudder at the thought of making the changes needed in your life—petrified that you won’t be able to do it. So you turn your head away and silently slip back into the trance of denial. Why? Because you feel safe in the story you created. You’re comfortable with your smaller and more “manageable” view of the world, easily identifiable by all the familiar excuses, rationalizations, judgments, and fears.

In the places in our lives where we are holding on, where we are unwilling to give up, where we are fighting to maintain the illusion of control, we unconsciously, or sometimes consciously, put up an emotional shield to guard ourselves against fear or pain. But this resistance doesn’t protect us. Instead, it actually binds us to the past and keeps us mired in the circumstances that we most dislike. Resistance to the truth about our lives denies us the ability to move forward with our lives; what we resist persists.

When thirty-six-year-old Tia came to train with me, she was frustrated, unable to get past what she described as a bad case of writer’s block. She’d been trying to build her business as a life coach, but every time she sat down at her computer to write a blog post, to update her website, to set up a public-speaking event, or to send a letter to a magazine, she would freeze up in fear. She literally couldn’t remember what she wanted to say. So she would get up from her computer and clean her house, daydream about her amazing future, or pick up another book on business building—feeling momentarily productive as she searched for the key to move to the next level. When I asked Tia what was stopping her from taking the actions she knew she needed to take, she said she just couldn’t handle any more criticism, that she couldn’t stand being judged. I asked her when she had been criticized and judged before, and Tia told me about her mother.

Tia’s mother was mentally disturbed. One day she loved Tia; the next, she hated her. One day she would call Tia her angel, and the next day she would scream that she was the devil. One day she would give Tia hugs, and the next she would slap her across the face. One day her mother appeared healthy, and the next day she was sick. She was a true Jekyll and Hyde, normal in public but deranged behind closed doors. As a child, Tia was bewildered and confused by this behavior, but she soon adapted. She learned to listen to the way her mother woke her up in the morning, to see whether the house was in disarray, to bite her tongue at the dining table, and to escape to the safety of school as soon as she could. She told me about the feeling of sheer terror and dread in her stomach as each school day would come to a close and she would have to go home to her unpredictable monster of a mother. She told me about the countless times her mother yelled at her, screamed at her, humiliated her, and criticized her.

As Tia’s vulnerable, developing psyche struggled to make sense of what was happening around her, the only conclusions she could draw, the only meaning she could assign, were negative. Without realizing what was happening and how it would affect her life, Tia decided there must be something terribly wrong with her to evoke such behavior from her mother. And as a young girl, one thing she knew for sure was that she wasn’t safe and no one was coming to save her.