Courage: Overcoming Fear and Igniting Self-Confidence (11 page)

I asked Lydia to go a little deeper, to take some deep breaths, and to get a little distance from the issue of her weight. I asked her to find some unrelated issue around her body that made her want to cover it up, disconnect, or beat herself up. After a few minutes of silence, Lydia dropped her head in shame and told me this story.

When she was thirteen years old, Lydia got pregnant for the first time. Scared and confused, she was relieved when she miscarried early enough in the pregnancy that she didn’t have to suffer her family’s shame. Twenty-one years later, Lydia was surprised to find out that she was pregnant again. She never wanted children with her husband, but she thought it would make him happy to have a child. In the face of his excitement, she felt ashamed that she didn’t want the baby. She was so embarrassed and in pain about the way she felt that she hid it from everybody and pretended to be the happy, expectant mother. Although she experienced a few fleeting moments of joy while pregnant, when her daughter finally arrived, her first thought was “What am I going to do with her? I don’t really want her.”

Lydia was horrified by her own dark thoughts. She cried with shame, saying, “I can never forgive myself for having these feelings.” Recounting the memory, she realized that it was at that time that her body became her enemy. And then she remembered more vividly how frivolous and careless she had been with boys as a child, allowing them to cross her boundaries and do things to her that resulted in her getting pregnant that first time, before she was anywhere near ready for it. I asked Lydia to write a forgiveness letter to the scared, young part of her.

Dear beautiful, sweet, loving child,

From the deepest part of my heart, I am sorry that I hurt and mistreated you. I am sorry for not listening to you and for not holding you close to me when you were so afraid and lonely. I am sorry to have abandoned you so early in life and for all of the emotional and physical toxins that I allowed into your perfect body, soul, and spirit. You asked me to protect you and to trust that God would always be there, and I turned away from you because of my own beliefs and fears.

My love, I feel awful for the way that I let boys and men treat your body. You are a divine angel, and I allowed it to be used like an amusement park. I am sorry that because of this, I allowed us to be pregnant and always wished that I hadn’t.

I’m sorry that I gave up on you, on God, and on myself.

I am sorry for ignoring you when you would shout out loud to try and stop me from making a choice that didn’t serve us. It was like I was going through life with earplugs and a blindfold. I was so conflicted and confused. I thought I had sinned, and yet I thought there was no God. So I gave up and decided that it doesn’t matter what I do or how I treat myself. I am sorry for laughing at you, for making fun of you, for not making you feel safe and loved. I want you to know now that it does matter, that you matter, that we matter, and that we can make a positive and loving difference.

I am writing to you today to tell you how sorry I am and ask that you please forgive me. Being the divine soul that you are, I ask for this forgiveness from a place of love and humility.

I love you. Please forgive me. Thank you, blessed one.

Lydia

When Lydia finished reading her letter out loud, she looked like she had instantly dropped twenty pounds. After she opened up her heart to the part of her that held the wounds of her past, as amazing as it always is to me, she was able to commit to dropping her extra weight. But more important, she suddenly felt a deep and overwhelming love for her daughter, whom she’d always kept at arm’s length. She could hug her child like she’d never hugged her before and could look into her eyes with the pure knowing that she had no malice in her heart. She went for walks with her and had meaningful conversations that previously would have gone unspoken. Now Lydia was filled with so much confidence about being a loving and attentive mother and having the courage to let go of the past that she could stand as a powerful warrior mother with a newfound joy.

I asked others in my group of students to write forgiveness letters to the child inside them, apologizing for ignoring them and discounting their value.

Renata was working on her perfectionism so that she could find the courage to become visible, to be in the limelight, and to “take up a little space.” Here is what she had to say to her inner child.

Dear Little One,

It’s been a long half a century. You’ve spent so much time and energy just trying to measure up. I am so incredibly sorry that I have abandoned you and left you feeling like you simply weren’t good enough . . . didn’t matter . . . had nothing profound to contribute . . . weren’t significant enough to take up any real space in the world. I am so sorry I have encouraged you to please, perform, and prove your life away—to be the perfect little girl. I can see your exhaustion. I can feel your desire to simply “be” rather than “do.”

I am so sorry, honey, that I have not reminded you of your value every single day. I’m sorry that I haven’t assured you that you are priceless just as you are! “Nothing you need to add, nothing that needs to be taken away.” How many times have you heard that message? But I have never allowed it to really land in your heart.

I am so deeply sorry for turning my back on your woundedness. I have minimized, dismissed, disowned, and discredited your pain. I have not acknowledged your needs, wants, or desires. I have silenced you mercilessly, lest any kind of “authentic truth” escape your lips and let people know how much you and I are hurting.

I am so sorry for the facade. I am so sorry for the lack of compassion and empathy I have shown you. I have beaten you down when you made a mistake. I have crushed your spirit if you asked a “stupid” question. I have shamed you for being human. I have shamed you for having needs. I have shamed you for being anything less than profound in every space of your life. Please forgive me. I am so sorry.

You have worked so hard to please me. I have been heartless and cruel in my treatment of you. I have failed to hear your pleas for help. I have allowed you to suffer and then blamed you for crying. I have taken the best you had to offer and picked it apart . . . ruthlessly.

You deserve so much more than this. You are such a magnificent and loving heart. You have brought so much light to the world already! It is my solemn intention that from now on, you get to make mistakes. You get to cry. You get to be sad. You get to be adequate, maybe even mediocre if that is your goal for the day! I give you permission to fall short, fall down, say when you are hurt, and ask for the love and support you need and deserve.

I promise to acknowledge you from now on. I promise to make room for your voice. When I wake up in the morning, I will take five minutes and invite you to come out from behind the “tree of strength.” I will listen for your beautiful wisdom. I will make every effort to honor your tenderness with the kindness and compassion you so rightly deserve as I make my way through the day.

Yes, you deserve it! You really do deserve it! And if I slip up, please be unyielding in your attempts to remind me. I hereby revoke my self-appointed right to silence you.

I want to hear you singing now, singing because you know you deserve to be heard! We will be able to go out with our arms wide open and a big smile on our face, feeling complete with our past and proud of all of who we are.

Love,

Renata

Evelyn had just been through another bad breakup and was experiencing a lot of emotional pain, blaming herself for all the mistakes she had made and for what now looked like a foolish choice—to get involved with a man that she didn’t really know.

Dear perfect, sweet, loving little girl,

Words will never express how sorry I am that I’ve deserted you, abandoned you, and beat you up for years. You are so sweet and innocent, and yet I made you pay for all the things that happened to me in life that didn’t go my way or that I had no control over.  You’ve suffered for things that had no relation to you and took on the struggles and pain of others around you when no small child should ever be made to do that. I made you responsible for my parents’ discord and for all the mistakes I made because I didn’t listen to you when you were screaming at me what to do.  I locked you in a closet and neglected you, and I am so, so, sorry; for you have been my dearest friend and love and I did not reciprocate. Please, please forgive me, as I promise to be there for you always and to listen closely to what you need from me—and then to give it to you without question.

I love you and I bless you.  I’m so excited to clear the slate and to start a new life with you. I know that together we will have the courage now to move powerfully forward.

Love,

Evelyn

After each person read her letter out loud, it was clear that the sincerity of the apologies opened their hearts and allowed them to feel the deep love that exists inside. The words “I’m sorry” were the key to opening the door to real forgiveness. “I’m sorry, I love you, please forgive me.” And with that, an explosion of love came through everyone’s hearts. When I asked people what they would say to themselves every day to replace any negative chatter, here’s what they shared:

Love yourself for all the good that you bring to the world.

Love yourself for working so hard to be a better person.

Love yourself for all the gifts that you bring.

Love yourself for all the things that you have gotten right.

Love yourself, for there is only one person in the world like you.

Love yourself for the courage and the confidence it takes to do your inner work.

Love yourself for all the ways you take care of yourself.

Be proud of what you’ve done, not what you haven’t done.

Be unconditionally accepting of yourself.

When you are filled with self-love, you have the courage to tackle your deepest fears and the confidence to do whatever it will take to succeed at your tasks. When you are filled with self-love, you open up to a rightness about yourself that comes not from the circumstances of your outer world, not from the achievements and accolades of your ego, but from the very center of your being. You gain the ability to look at yourself through divine eyes, seeing the perfection in all parts of yourself, where everything comes easy, where everything just works out. I am talking about a holy perfection, about knowing and being so connected to the Divine that you understand there is a design that is helping you evolve into a divine warrior whose love for self and others knows no bounds.

THE LOVING HEART PROCESS

Light a candle, open your journal, take a slow, deep breath, and open up to a whole new level of loving honesty.

1.
Eavesdropping on your negative self-talk:
Tune in to your inner dialogue to identify the negative chatter about yourself. Make a list of what the Voice of Self-Loathing is saying to you about yourself. What do you criticize yourself for? What do you make wrong about yourself?

2.
The cost of self-loathing:
Make a list of the cost and the consequences of listening to this internal dialogue. How does it rob you of your courage and your confidence?

3.
The pure power of atonement:
Write a letter of deep apology to the wounded child inside of you. Tell her the specific things you are sorry for doing or saying to her. Let the words “I’m sorry” guide you.

4.
Daily doses of loving connection:
Begin a daily practice of visiting your wounded inner child, taking time to acknowledge her and to say “I’m sorry” if she was ignored or hurt in some way during the day.

5.
Self-talk that heals:
Make a list of the positive things you can say to yourself every day to replace the negative chatter and to boost your courage, confidence, and self-love.

6.
Your Completion List:
Make a Completion List of anything you need to handle or address in order to be complete with your past.

7.
Taking action to free your heart:
Based on your Completion List, take the necessary actions to be done with the past and free to be the courageous, confident force that you are.

Courage Activator

Find three people you need to make amends with, and, with a heart-opening call or e-mail, say you’re sorry and send them your love. Making amends when you’re scared can give you more courage than you ever imagined.

Confidence Builder

Look at any projects you’re involved in where you know you need to draw a line in the sand. Communicate with one of the people associated with at least one of the projects to let him or her know that you won’t be doing it right now. This will give you the confidence to know that you can tell your authentic truth.

Courage and Confidence Bonus

Make a list of seven amends you’ve made in the past to people you have hurt in some way.

Imagine waking up each morning with an excitement and passion you haven’t felt in years. Imagine going through each day enjoying every moment, feeling purposeful and fulfilled. Imagine having all the courage and confidence you need to conquer your world.

The warrior of love lights up the room everywhere she goes. Her eyes are beaming with love, with compassion, with the radiance of knowing that life is a profound gift. She knows that she has a divine imprint. And from that imprint, the purpose and plan for her life emerge. Her courage and confidence come from this knowing. Her strength reveals the most beautiful and vulnerable parts of herself. She is excited and happy to be a part of this universe. She is committed to being the best that she can possibly be, and her vision is one that is uniquely her own.

The courageous warrior never forgets that there is boldness, genius, power, and magic in doing whatever it is she dreams of. With her beautiful, clear vision, she looks directly into the heart of life, loving it with an intensity that transforms. She loves every cell in her body deeply, loves every bit of human consciousness profoundly, regards every bit of history with awe, accepts every bit of the world and everyone in it with deep appreciation. She has the capacity to open her arms wide to all that is. The beaming force that comes through her is a union of imagination and creativity. She is tapped into the divine force, the beautiful source that speaks through her, that can see a future greater than what her human eyes can see. It is with her imagination that she opens up and looks around the world with new eyes, the eyes of the courageous, confident warrior of love. She knows that every bit of creativity is ultimately coming through the mind of God. She has no need to be the sole proprietor of the business of living, preferring instead to be in a high-powered partnership with the creative force of the universe. This is who we are. This is who you are. This is the warrior of love.

An inspired vision will always move you forward from where you are today. When you trust the universe, you get to play in the magical world of God’s plan. So now is the time for you to use your courage and confidence to unleash your unbridled imagination. It is time to allow your vision to come through you. A vision is more than a list written out on the pages of your journal that describes your goals for the next two to five years. And it’s even more than the future you proclaim that you want when talking to your best friends or your colleagues. All of those things are incredibly important and valuable, each in its own way. But what is crucial to understand is that an inspired vision is a dynamic, living force with the power to move you from where you are today to where your heart wants you to be.

This is saying a lot, because it’s not easy to get most of us to move. Inspired vision can imaginatively draw your attention away from the past and get you excited about living right now. It has the power to awaken you from the trance induced by repetitively thinking about old fears, hurts, and regrets and put you in the presence of why you are here.

To experience the thrill of your highest expression and transcend the life you are living right now, you will have to commit to an inspired vision that demands you be the biggest, best “you” that you can possibly be. When you are deeply rooted in a clear, strong, and compelling vision, you will experience a level of joy and celebration that you probably haven’t felt in years. And you will absolutely have the courage and confidence you need to live into your vision. I know this beyond the shadow of a doubt, because I have seen miracle after miracle happen when passionate women make commitments and keep them. When we get serious about not allowing familiar excuses and obstacles to keep us from living our highest purpose, settling for fear and low self-confidence is no longer an option.

A strong, clear vision holds the power to transcend your current reality, bypassing the day-to-day challenges that might be keeping you stuck where you are. An inspired or divine vision acts as a force that lifts you out of the drama and predictability of daily life and supports you in making extraordinary choices. These new choices will unlock your passion. And vision and passion are two sides of the same coin. One does not exist without the other. Once you begin to heed the call of your vision, tired old voices like cynicism and resignation fade away, overwhelmed by the inner choir of hope, enthusiasm, optimism, and passion.

Vision lifts you up. It makes you smile a secret smile because you know that you have something very special to share. If you want to connect deeply with your warrior sisters around the world, let us know what you’re passionate about and what matters to you by sharing your vision. The bar of possibility is raised for everyone when you pull back the curtain and make your dreams visible to all. I will assert that one of the reasons you, as a visionary warrior, are here is to open our collective eyes to things we have never considered before.

To follow the path of inspired vision, you must allow yourself to be intuitively pulled toward something other than what you know right now or what you can see. When you are humble enough to be used as a messenger and an instrument of the Divine, it is easy to see that your vision chooses you and that you have the choice of whether to honor it.

I love looking into the eyes of someone who is inspired by a vision greater than herself. In the reflecting pool of her eyes, I see new worlds glistening back at me. One night a girlfriend of mine invited me to go to dinner with someone I didn’t know very well—the mother of one of my son’s friends. The three of us slipped quietly into a booth at one of our favorite restaurants. Margie, the mother of my son’s friend, was sitting across from me. Her smile excited me and brought a smile to my face. I could see that she was someone who was lit up by something. We started talking and getting to know each other when Margie asked me how I came to write a book and how I became who I am as a teacher. Then she told me her own inspiring story.

From a very young age Margie was fascinated and curious about the military. She’d never met anyone in the military and didn’t even know anyone who knew anyone in the military. Yet when they studied the military in school, Margie became intrigued and wanted to learn more about how it worked and what kinds of people would go into it, particularly in a time of war. Even as a young girl, she felt a yearning deep in her heart to touch the lives of those young men and women who would sign up to fight for our country. As she began to tell me her story, her eyes twinkled even brighter, and I could feel the passion coming through her and the excitement in every word she uttered. She talked about how when she trained as a psychotherapist, she kept imagining herself helping these people, even though she had no idea how she would do it.

She told me about her first contract with the military, a five-week job at a summer school at a military base in Germany. She was shocked by the perks of her position—a two-bedroom apartment, a per diem, and a BMW at her disposal. She felt like a princess but was also unsettled by the waste of resources and taxpayer dollars. The following summer, she worked at a summer camp in Italy for the children of deployed soldiers.

Next she got a six-week contract as a counselor at a counseling center on a military base in San Diego. The counseling center was extremely unpopular on the base because it was where people were sent when they were mandated to get counseling, and anything that happened there became part of their permanent record. With little to do, Margie was asked to reorganize the supply room, inventory office supplies, and clean out storage cabinets. A few days before her contract was set to expire, Margie tiptoed out onto the base to meet the people she had come there so eager to serve. Some of the new friends she made invited her to run a group for their division, helping the drill instructors to manage their stress. Margie was delighted and excited to be able to make a difference. Her contract was extended, and she developed an extremely successful and effective program. Word spread on the base, and she began to offer groups to more divisions. The thrill only increased each day as she headed to work. The soldiers kept requesting her services, and she stayed at the base for over a year.

Unfortunately, the higher-ups did not share the soldiers’ enthusiasm, and one day Margie was handed a slip stating that she had thirty minutes to get off the base. Although she didn’t get an explanation, she told me she thought she was dismissed for failing to document her work, neglecting the proper paperwork, and defying military protocols.

But now, entirely absorbed by her vision, she would let nothing stop her. She started to consult with counselors inside the military mental-health system. She went to Washington, D.C., to lobby about the importance of preventative military mental-health care. Suddenly, the group of political representatives with whom she had toured through Israel a few years earlier became an invaluable network for her lobbying efforts. (I remember seeing this post on her Facebook page: “I’m going to D.C. I have back-to-back meetings with congressmen and congresswomen. I’m taking three suits, six pairs of shoes, and a black lacy bra because I’m willing to do anything to get their attention.”)

After our dinner, Margie called me often. I had suggested to her that she write her story and then publish it as a book. Even though Margie told me she couldn’t write and she wouldn’t know how to begin, she stepped through her fear and allowed her courage and her divine vision to guide her. She was a warrior, and nothing was going to stop her now. She decided not to wait for people to come to her, so she e-mailed her book proposal to more than sixty publishers and received six responses by the next morning. As she stepped into her vision more and more, the universe met her. Of course, she encountered stumbling blocks along the way. People questioned her credentials, since she had only a master’s degree and not a Ph.D., and then questioned her credibility, since she was a civilian and not a member of the military. But she would not be swayed in her commitment to her divine vision.

When I asked her why she hadn’t just returned to her successful private practice when she was dismissed from the base, what it was that kept her going, she told me she couldn’t look at herself in the mirror at night if she wasn’t helping these people. She knew that the men and women who vowed to protect all of us and our freedom were being robbed of the tools and the support they needed to take on their vital mission.

Margie told me she could remember the day when what she had first thought was a burden of responsibility turned into a divine gift. During a counseling session with a forty-six-year-old drill instructor, he broke down and began crying, putting his head in his hands. “You have to help us,” he said. “You can’t stop.” And she doesn’t. Any time she begins to falter—wondering, “What’s in this for me? Why am I doing this?”—she inevitably gets a call from a Marine needing her support, a counselor trying to change a life in a broken system, a reporter writing an article, or a senator’s aide who wants to learn more.

Today when I talk to Margie, I continue to get inspired by her vision. I’ve watched the world line up around her to support her in doing what only a year ago looked to her like an impossible task.

I don’t think the power of commitment has ever been illuminated any better than it was by W. H. Murray:

Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issue from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no person could have dreamt would come their way. Whatever you can do, or you can dream, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

When someone is present to their vision, we can feel it in our body. Why the universe lines up—offering all manner of resources, connections, and support—is because it holds a certain vibration that draws us to it. We’re inspired by it. We want to help. We know it’s for something greater than we may be able to grasp through ordinary consciousness.

Everybody’s vision is unique, and at different times in their lives their vision changes. It may be smaller and more personal for a while, and then it may grow larger, expanding outward to the world. When someone has been trying to have a baby and finally gets pregnant and has so much joy in her heart, you want to give her a hug and wish her well. Or when someone finally takes a risk and steps into a new job, you can feel her tremendous desire to be a great employee and to make a difference. Or when someone finally takes on her health and commits to losing sixty pounds, you cheer her on as you watch her struggle with determination because she wants to show her kids she can do it. You are so inspired that you want to be on their team.

Another one of my inspiring girlfriends came to spend Thanksgiving weekend with me. We both seemed to be at the same stage, having accomplished a great deal in the outer world but really needing something to pep us up, a new vision. We’d had many visions and fulfilled so many of them. I could tell that Cynthia, who is very charismatic and alive, was missing something. Her inner fire had gone out, the spark in her eyes was missing, and she described a vague dissatisfaction with her life. The more we talked, the more bored she got, eventually lying down on the couch and pulling a blanket over her.

Just then, my friend Vivian Glyck, another great warrior and the founder of the Just Like My Child Foundation, came by to say hello and visit with us. As we talked about the school my son was building in Uganda for his bar mitzvah project, Cynthia’s eyes popped open. She sat straight up on the couch and threw off the blanket. She went from dead as a doornail to completely lit up and inspired in two seconds flat. She said, “That’s it!”—and we spent the rest of the weekend planning how she could turn her fiftieth birthday party into a fund-raiser for building schools in Africa. Suddenly, Cynthia could see possibilities that she hadn’t seen before. The network of transformational leaders and teachers with whom she worked was instantly transformed into a network of support for giving. She realized she had contacts everywhere, and they were happy to partner with her.