Courageous: Afterlife Book Four (12 page)

Mick lowered his eyes. He nodded slowly. "I know," he said. "The right time just never came, you know?"

"No. No I don't know, Mick. Because I never keep big secrets like that from people. I never lie to people I love like that."

Mick sat on the bed. "I'm sorry," he said. "I was afraid of your reaction. I was afraid you'd react just like you are now."

"I'm only reacting like this because you have been lying to me, because you have kept this from me for so long." I paused to calm myself down. Then I sat next to him on the bed. "I'm giving you a chance now, Mick. A chance to tell me everything. From the beginning. You were the one who helped me over to the other side, weren’t you?"

Mick nodded. Then he looked at me. "I was supposed to come get your father too. Back when he had the burst appendix. He was supposed to die. I was assigned to come and get him, to make sure the Se'irims didn't get to him. I went there like I was supposed to and was in the hospital room, when suddenly I was disturbed by something. A small still voice coming from another room. I felt so drawn to it; I went there and saw a little girl on her knees. It was you. You were praying. I heard your prayers in my head and couldn't help myself. I fell in love with you right there. You were so wonderful, so pure and lovely. I realized I couldn't take your father. I wanted to help you; I wanted to answer your prayer. You were crying your heart out to God and that was when I couldn't help it anymore. I wanted badly to comfort you, my heart was broken by your prayer and pleading. I can still remember what you said:
'Please God, please don't take my dad. I'm lost without him.'
I began to cry and then I did what I wasn't supposed to. I showed myself to you. I wrapped my arms around you. I hugged you and held you tight. I whispered in your ear that I would save your dad; I was going to heal him, that God had heard your prayer and sent me and that you shouldn't be afraid anymore. Later in the evening when your dad was supposed to die, I healed him instead of taking him with me. I used all my powers and brought him back to life. It drained me completely and it took days before I was able to fly back to the castle. I spent those days with you and I realized I loved you so deeply that I could never let you go again. So I kept visiting as often as I could and we spent many wonderful hours together. I protected you and your family from harm and you and I could just talk for hours and hours. You always made me laugh. You enchanted me. When it was finally your time to die, I was assigned to go and get you as well."

"That's why you were on the boat with me," I said.

"Yes. I have loved you ever since you were just a little child and my love has only grown through the years. I am so sorry to have deceived you like this. It was never my intention. I can't blame you if you hate me for it."

Mick lowered his head. I grabbed his chin and pulled it towards me. I felt the tears piling up behind my eyes.

"How can I hate you for loving me like that?" I asked. I leaned over and let my lips cover his in a long and gentle kiss.

C
HAPTER 22

I
WOKE UP
the next morning with a feeling of emptiness inside. I was happy to have some more answers to my life on Earth and I couldn't help loving Mick even if I still didn't care for his outbursts of anger and his attempt to control me and my every move. I was afraid of the future with him and of how it was going to be like.

He was still asleep when I got up and floated to the window. The sun was about to rise above the ocean and the gardens beneath me glittered when the sunbeams hit it. It was going to be another beautiful morning. I touched my stomach gently and thought about the baby. Then I glanced at Mick. He was sleeping peacefully, looking angelic with his fair skin and blond hair. He was so beautiful and so perfect in every way. Why did he have to be so jealous? If only he wasn't, then we could be so happy, I thought. He mumbled my name in his sleep. I chuckled. Suddenly he seemed so innocent and I was filled with such a love for him. I couldn't believe he had loved me for this long. He really had waited for me for a long time. No wonder he was afraid of losing me. So many years he had waited and then I just fell for some other guy. It must have been hard on him.

Slowly he opened his eyes and looked at me. I smiled.

"You're up early?" he asked.

"Wouldn't miss the sunrise," I answered.

He groaned and stretched. Then he got out of bed and floated to me. He put his arms around my back and held me tight while we both watched the sun rise over the water. It was a beautiful and peaceful moment.

"This is nice," Mick whispered and kissed my neck. "This is how it should always be."

I smiled and closed my eyes. "I think so too."

"So why don't we?" Mick asked.

"Don't we what?"

"Why don't we let it be like this all the time?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I would like it to be this nice always."

He kissed me again and I felt a shiver through my spine.

"Let's not fight anymore," he whispered between kisses.

I turned and grabbed his face. Then I kissed him passionately. I couldn't have loved him more at that moment.

We stayed in the room all day and just talked. It was wonderful. Just like the old times when we had just met. He told me about the times he had visited me on Earth and I listened carefully trying to fill in the blanks. I hated that there was so much I didn't know, so much that was still blocked from my memories. Most of what he told me, I had no recollection of. I asked him to fill me in, to tell me all he remembered. So he did. Soon I realized that a lot of my life had gone missing from the file, a lot of fond memories that I was supposed to have, and desperately wanted back. Even if Mick told me about them it still seemed like it wasn't me he was talking about, like they belonged to someone else, since I couldn't remember any parts of them. I knew there was only one way to get them back. I had to find the missing pages in my file.

So the next day I went to Salathiel to tell him about it. His smile lit up the entire room as usual as he greeted me in his office. He sat behind the giant desk and I in the huge chair in front of him feeling like a child who couldn't reach the ground with her feet. I had brought my file that I placed in my lap.

"So how can I help you today, Meghan?" he asked with his silky voice.

"Something has happened," I said. "I'm not sure if you can actually help me or if it happened before at the school."

"Well, let's find out," he said with a more concerned voice.

"See, it all began when I received my file on graduation day. I went somewhere secluded to open it and that's when I realized something was wrong with it."

Salathiel leaned backwards. "Something was wrong with it? How so?"

"Well some parts were missing."

"Missing? I don't understand?" he said.

"Here, let me show you," I said and opened my file. "As you can tell, big parts of my memories are completely gone, vanished somehow. The pages are all black. My entire last year is gone and I have no memories from it. Plus a lot of other days have been taken out ... or maybe I was thinking they could just have fallen out? Maybe placed in a wrong file or something?"

Salathiel shook his head. "Fallen out? No, that's simply not possible. Wrongly placed? No. We keep those files at the school all the time you are here. No one touches them until you're done here and they are handed to you."

"Then I don't know what could have happened," I said.

"Black pages in a file are not that rare. It happens from time to time. Maybe something happened to you during your life on Earth," he speculated. "Maybe you hurt your head and had memory loss. Could that be it?"

"I don't know. I suppose it could have happened. But it begins when I'm just a child and goes on until the last year when everything is missing. It's a long period of time to have memory loss."

Salathiel cleared his throat. "Maybe you suffered from something that never healed, maybe you hurt your head as a child and that caused your memories to disappear on occasions. It's not unusual, you know."

"But wouldn't I remember falling or hurting myself?"

"Hm, maybe but not if it was some sort of disease in your brain causing this. Could you have had a tumor? Maybe you died from it?"

"I was killed, strangled. You made me an assignment to forgive my killer, remember?"

"That's right. I forgot. I'm sorry. It's getting increasingly difficult to remember all of our students." Salathiel shook his head and the long white beard dangled. "It has been seen before that people chose to forget certain parts of their life simply because it is too hard to remember them, too traumatic. That would explain how it comes and goes."

"Well, it did begin around the time my dad was terminally ill and I thought I was about to lose him," I said pensively.

"Well there you go. Your brain has chosen to block out certain events from your life because they are too hard to remember. We call it displacement. Lots of human spirits suffer from it when they come here. Most of the time it comes back to them over time, when their soul is ready to face it again. Then the pages return to the file. You must give it time. Wait and see if they don't turn up eventually. Until then enjoy the memories you have already gotten back. The rest will follow soon enough. Don't you worry anymore about that."

"Okay, thanks," I said and got up from the chair.

Salathiel smiled again widely. "My pleasure," he said. "Always a pleasure seeing you."

"Likewise."

I left his office feeling quite uplifted. It was after all a simple explanation. The pages were black because something bad had happened during those times and I wasn't ready to face it yet. But I would eventually. That was just the way it was.

C
HAPTER 23

"
Y
OU CAN'T JUST
leave without telling me where you're going."

Mick was waiting for me in the chambers when I got back from my meeting with Salathiel. "I don't know where you are," he continued. "I don't know who you're with. It scares me, you know?"

"You weren't here when I decided to go," I said. "You were in the kitchen making lunch for the school, remember?"

Mick breathed aggressively. His fist was clenched. I could tell he was trying hard to restrain himself. He turned his back at me and hit his palm in the wall. I jumped from the sound. "I need to know when you leave the room. I need to know where you are," he said through gritted teeth. "I am so scared every time I get back here and you are gone. I am so afraid that something really bad has happened to you. I keep imagining all these things ..."

"I was just at the Headmaster's office," I said and floated towards my dresser with my file in my hand. I wanted to put it back.

Mick turned and looked at me. "Why were you with Salathiel?"

I lifted my file and showed it to Mick. "I wanted to talk to him about the missing pages in my book."

Mick froze, and then he floated towards me. "I told you I'd help you with that. There is no need to bother Salathiel with that. Why are you spending time on that now when you are recovering? You need rest. Flying to Earth with Abhik certainly didn't help your recovery, you look more tired than ever, and now this? Now you want to spend energy on that stupid file? When are you going to focus on what's important?"

Mick floated close to me and grabbed me around my waist. Then he pulled me closer and kissed me. "This is what is important. This. Us. You and me. Nothing else."

I smiled and kissed him back. "I know," I said. "You, me
and
the baby."

Mick lowered his eyes, and then pulled away. I studied his reaction. What was it with him every time I brought up the baby all of a sudden? I didn't understand it. I knew he wanted to be a father. I knew he had wanted it all of his life. I knew he was looking forward to it, but lately it was like he didn't even want me mentioning it. Could it be because he was scared of the way it would change our lives, like Abhik had said? Or was he afraid it was going to pull me further away from him?

"What did he say?" Mick said when he reached the window. He was looking out and not facing me when he spoke.

"What did who say?"

"Salathiel. What did he say about your files?" Mick said.

I looked down at the folder, and then put it back in the drawer. "He thinks I might have chosen to block out certain events in my life since they were too hard for me to remember. It makes sense, I guess. I mean all about my dad's burst appendix and him almost dying is gone. The only thing I remember is sitting on my knees and praying. And all the stuff you told me of course, but somehow I can't picture it in my mind. It's like my brain is still blocking it out. I guess I need to wait till it comes back to me and maybe prepare myself for something really bad. I just can't figure out what could possibly be so bad I would choose to block it out of my memory? As far as I know I had a wonderful childhood and I loved my parents. They definitely didn't do anything to me. That much I know." I paused and looked at Mick. He had turned and was now facing me. He was smiling. "I'm rambling. I know it," I said. "I'm sorry."

"No. No, I love listening to you ramble on." Mick flew closer and reached out his hands. He grabbed my head and held it between them while he looked at me. It made me warm inside. I loved it when he looked at me like that. Like he was proud of me, like he loved me more than anything. I smiled.

"I'm sorry I am such a mess," I said.

"You are a mess, but you're my mess," he said and kissed me again. "I'm glad we finally solved the mystery about the missing memories. Now we can focus on us."

Later that day when Mick went out again I sat on my bed reading my baby books. I had read most of them and it didn't take long till I began to feel bored. I felt like I was well enough prepared by now for the birth and the baby, as well as anyone can for such a big thing, I guess. So I put down my book and floated towards the window to look out. I sat in the windowsill and stared down into the Butterfly Garden. How I missed going there and watching the butterflies twirling around over my head. Above the castle students were practicing their flying and sitting on clouds. They were tumbling around, tripping over each other and landing on clouds. They were laughing and rolling around. I remembered the feeling of freedom from my first year, that feeling when I just learned how to master the basics to flying. I thought about Abhik and how he had always been such a wonderful friend to me. I missed surfing on clouds with him and I wondered if I would ever feel that kind of freedom again?