Courageous: Afterlife Book Four (7 page)

It was like it had hurt his pride and he felt it had also hurt my opinion of him, changed the way I saw him as a husband and a protector.

But that was his way of thinking, not mine.

C
HAPTER 12

I
N THE COMING
days I slowly came to understand how much this event had actually hurt Mick and how much it was about to change everything in our relationship. I stayed in bed as Raphael had told me to and Mick simply didn't leave me alone at all. He was constantly there, waiting for me to ask for something to eat, or drink or an extra pillow or whatever I could make up just to keep him busy so he would feel like he was needed, that he was a good husband. If I didn't ask him for something he would just keep asking me if there was anything I wanted, anything he could get for me and it almost drove me nuts. I, on the other hand, kept busy reading my baby books, but even they began to bore me eventually. So after three days in bed reading all there was to know about spirit-babies and giving birth, I finally closed the book and put it on the table. Mick was sitting in a chair by the window looking at me and when he saw me put the book away he floated towards me immediately.

"Anything wrong?" he asked. "Can I get you something? An extra pillow? Something to eat? Maybe some chocolate covered strawberries; I sense you're in the mood for them."

I was, he was right about that, so I indulged him. "Sure. That would be nice."

Mick smiled, then closed his eyes and rubbed his hands together. Smoke emerged from them and soon a big bowl of strawberries appeared on the table.

"Here you go," he said.

"Thank you, Mick." I grabbed one and ate it. It tasted great, but somehow left me empty. I didn't take another.

"What's wrong?" Mick asked concerned. "Aren't they good enough?"

I sighed. "Mick?" He looked at me tentatively.

"Yes?"

"I'm bored."

He shook his head. "I don't understand?"

"I'm bored. I don't know what to do. I'm just lying here in this bed doing nothing but reading these books and waiting for my leg to heal. Can't we go out or something? I long to go for a float in the Butterfly Garden. We haven't done that in awhile. Or maybe we could go fly over the castle? Or surf on the clouds? You used to love that."

"Not now," Mick said. "Raphael said you had to stay still, remember? Your leg isn't completely healed yet. These things take time. Flying around is way too much for you right now."

I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer. His face was close to mine now. "Okay, then Mr. Super Protective, but then you'll have to at least kiss me," I whispered.

Mick smiled, and then his lips met mine. I grabbed his neck and pulled him closer. We kissed a long time and it seemed to loosen him up slightly. His body relaxed and became less tense as he came closer and I felt his body close to mine. My kisses became more passionate and I wanted him even closer. I told him I wanted him to touch me, I wanted him to be crazy for me, but it was like he somehow kept his distance and never was really into it.

"Don't you want me?" I whispered. "Don't you want to be close to me?"

"More than anything in this world," he moaned. "I'm just so afraid of hurting you."

"Well don't be. Just make love to me."

Then Mick finally gave into his desire and soon he was all over me. All over my body. He kissed my throat, my neck and touched me gently, yet passionately. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the closeness, the passion. But suddenly it felt so wrong. The pictures of the night on the cliffs when Mick had forced himself on me were back. They flickered in my head and I began hyperventilating again.

"No, no, no," I muttered.

Mick stopped and looked at me, and then he pulled away forcefully. I opened my eyes and looked into his. The hurt was back. I had hurt him.

"I'm doing it again," he said, agitated while moving away from me. "I'm hurting you."

I sat up in the bed. "No, Mick, please don't think that. It's just. Well, I don't know what's wrong with me, really. I just can't seem to escape it. It's probably just the pregnancy. I'm so terribly sorry, Mick."

"Don't you think I can feel how you freeze when I touch you?" he asked.

I hid my face in my hands. What was happening here? What was happening to us? Why couldn't I just forgive and forget? Was it really the pregnancy? Could it be hormones? Or was it deeper than that? Could this end up destroying my marriage? End up destroying us? I wasn't prepared to spend eternity without being able to be close to my husband, without being able to make love to him. Why couldn't I just let it go?

"I'm sorry," Mick, I said and reached my hand out toward him.

He turned his back at me then began floating towards the door. Just before he went through it he turned and looked at me.

"I'll be outside if you need me," he said.

Then he was gone.

C
HAPTER 13

I
THREW MYSELF
on the bed crying. What had I done? I was ruining him with my foolish behavior. Why couldn't I just control my emotions? Put a lid on it?

I stared at the ceiling. Then I sat up. I grabbed the mirror that Mick had placed on the small bedside table when unpacking my things while I was still in the hospital tower. I looked at myself in it.

"I'm disgusted with you," I said to my own reflection. "Don't you understand what you're doing to him? Don't you think he is suffering enough as it is? He is drowning in guilt and you keep pushing him further in."

I growled at myself. My reflection didn't seem to mind. Not at first. But after a few seconds it suddenly growled back. I looked in the mirror again. My own eyes were looking back at me with contempt. I moved my head, the reflection didn't move. What was this?

The reflection growled again. Then it burst into laughter. "Isn't that nice?" it said.

I jumped backwards and threw the mirror on the bed. "Who said that?" I asked.

"I did," the voice said from the mirror. It sounded exactly like my own voice.

Slowly I moved towards the mirror and picked it up again. "Who ... Who are you?"

The reflection laughed again. "Well, I'm you, am I not?"

"You look like me," I said thinking I had finally lost it completely. I looked at the door thinking I should call for Mick and ask him if the mirror was talking to him as well, but I decided not to. I really didn't want to be with him right now. I couldn't bear to look at his hurtful eyes again. I couldn't stand the guilt.

"That's because I
am
you," the reflection said. "Everything you see in here is a reflection of you."

"But ... But you're ... you're talking to me. Reflections don't talk."

"And spirits don't have a reflection, right?"

"I guess not."

"Yet I'm still here and you still see me, right?"

"Right."

There was a long silence. I had no idea what was going on here and kept wondering if spending time in the black hole had in fact made me mad enough to imagine this. But something about the mirror and the girl, who was supposed to be me in it, felt highly appealing, alluring even. I really wanted to talk to her, to look at her.

"Why did you say 'Isn't that nice?' just before?" I asked.

"Because it was nice to hear you finally speak the truth."

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

"Well I think you're right. About Mick. I think it's true that you keep pushing him further and further into this guilt trip. I'm afraid that you are destroying him. First with Jason and now with this whole 'black-hole' accident. And now he can't even touch you? You keep hurting him."

I stared at the reflection in silence but with wide open eyes.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. Not only am I your reflection, I'm also sort of your conscious. You'll always get the truth from me. I only speak the truth, hard as it might be."

I swallowed hard. "I can tell you do," I said. "So you're kind of like the cricket in Pinocchio?"

"Jiminy was his name. Yes you could say I am. You can always expect me to tell you things directly to your face, so to speak. In that way I guess I am very different than you."

I lifted an eyebrow. I still wasn't sure about this, if it was happening for real or if I was only imagining things. "That was harsh. Don't you think I tell the truth?"

The reflection shook her head. "Not to people you love. You'd rather hurt them."

"Ouch."

"Told you I'd tell the truth," she said with a smile. "Better get used to it."

"What else do you want to tell me? I have a feeling that you have more on your heart."

"You're right about that," the reflection answered. "I could tell you how I think you're selfish, that you're ungrateful and don't appreciate what you've got. You have a wonderful husband and yet you keep thinking about that boy you hardly know."

"Jason?"

"Who else could it be?" My reflection rolled her eyes. "You're always thinking about him, aren't you? Jason this, Jason that. Blahblahblah. On and on it goes. Give it up already, I want to tell you. You're only thinking about him because you want to ruin what you have got. You always do this to yourself, to us. Every time you have something good, you try to destroy it. You don't think you deserve to be happy. You create problems that don't have to be there by always wanting what you don't have. If you were with Jason you would be thinking about Mick constantly. That's just the way you are. It's your destructive behavior. There I said it."

"Wow," I said pensively. Going through the last couple of years with Mick in my head I realized my reflection was right. It was silly to be thinking about Jason when I hardly knew him. I was only hurting myself and destroying my marriage with Mick.

"I told you I'd be truthful. I didn't say you'd like it."

"So why do you think I can't bear to be close to Mick?" I asked. "Why do I feel so horrible, why do I keep thinking about that night?"

"It's all in your head," the mirror responded. "It's pathetic, really. You cling on to something that happened so long ago because you like to feel sorry for yourself. You want Mick to pay so you keep punishing him. How about thinking about all the great things he has done for you instead? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start acting like a real wife. Stop being a wimp. Live up to your responsibilities. You're luckier than most women so try and be a little grateful."

I took in a deep breath and stared at the reflection. She was so right, I thought. I was so right. It was time I grew up. I heard a sound and looked at the door. Mick streamed through it.

"Are you okay in here?" he asked. "I thought I heard voices?"

I looked down at the mirror. The reflection had gone back to normal. No voice was talking, no movements that weren't my own. Thinking I might have dreamt it all I put it down with a smile. "Everything is fine," I said and forced a smile trying to make Mick feel better. "I was just talking to myself, telling myself how stupid I am."

Mick chuckled.

"How are you?" I asked and reached out my hand.

He came closer and grabbed it. "I'm okay," he answered.

I pulled him close then kissed him. "I'm so sorry about earlier," I whispered when our lips had parted.

Mick exhaled. "I just don't understand."

I closed my eyes. Our foreheads leaned on each other's. I could smell him and feel his breath on my skin. The mirror was right. I did love Mick and I was lucky to have married such a wonderful man. I should be more grateful and more appreciative of him.

"I love you so much, Mick," I said.

He smiled widely. "You have no idea how much I love you. You're the one thing that I have in my life that is pure, the one thing that I have done right. I am so horribly afraid to destroy what we have, to destroy us."

"You're not the one destroying anything," I whispered.

He looked at me.

I bowed my head. "I am. It's all my fault."

Mick put his hand to my face and held me between his palms. I looked into his deep blue eyes. He looked like he was proud, like he was tearing up. "You have no idea how glad I am to hear you say that," he said.

I smiled. "Well it took me awhile to realize it, but I am very self-destructive. I try constantly to destroy good things in my life. I make up problems that don't have to be there."

"Yes," Mick said. "It's like I have always told you. You're thinking too much. I am so glad that you finally see it too."

Then he leaned over and kissed me insistently. He pushed me backwards onto the bed and held my hands. Then he kissed me again, roughly.

"I want you so badly. You're mine," he whispered while kissing my neck and ear. "Mine and only mine."

Then he moved down my body and pulled off my pants. I felt my breathing get heavier and when he put himself on top of me I felt the suffocation trying to overtake me again. I closed my eyes and fought it with all I could.
No
, I thought to myself.
Mick is my husband. I love him, I should be able to be with him, be close to him.

It helped. The feeling of suffocation was dampened slightly and my breathing was soon more normal. While Mick was all over my body I concentrated on keeping calm, but soon the feeling grew in me again. It was like it emerged from my stomach and into every part of my body, like a chill causing me to shake. I kept my eyes closed and started imagining myself in a peaceful place, I saw the flickering butterflies in the Butterfly Garden and my breath was calmed down slightly. But then like a stroke of lightening I was back at the cliffs again and Mick was on me, demanding me and suddenly I couldn't control it anymore. I felt like the entire room was closing in on me, like I could hardly breathe anymore.

It's silly
, I thought to myself, trying to calm myself down.
It's all in your head. You can't even suffocate. You don't even need to breathe. Don't be a wimp, live up to your responsibility. You're lucky to have a man like Mick. You are so lucky.

Mick was moaning and groaning while touching me and climbing me. The sound of him breathing in my ear caused me to freeze. I began squirming underneath him and whimpering.
It is pathetic
, I told myself.
You just need to calm down
.