Covet Not (5 page)

V

The reception was
an act of pity. People finally seated themselves after helping themselves to
roast duck, a variety of vegetables, and a fluffy white cake that the bride and
groom didn't cut. There were no toasts, nor funny stories, nor a dance. Shula and
Jared were largely ignored. Which was preferred, unspoken by the both of them.
Two rebellious children who were obviously meant to make each other miserable,
or poor Edward's child that would need to be disciplined most severely by James
Agnesson's boy.

But,
they both ate heartily. Shula, because she wasn't sure if she'd had a meal so
fine, and Jared, because it prevented him from giving himself away to his
father.

At
dusk, Jared rose, cleared his throat, thanked everyone, and said that they were
leaving. Shula took his offered hand, and he walked her quickly to his truck.
He awkwardly helped her in, not wanting to embarrass her with his hands
lingering on her, and she sat, red-faced, and murmured that her bags were in
her father's car.

After
he retrieved her bags, they rode several minutes in awkward silence before he
slowed, and Shula opened her mouth to ask if something was wrong with his
truck, when he turned and drove easily between two trees.

She
had no idea where Jared was taking her once he turned onto an unseen gravelly
path going out into the woods. You could barely see the entrance, though it
turned into dirt as the trees hid them from each side.

“I
didn't know there was anything out here.” She felt his eyes on her. She looked
straight ahead. It bothered her that she'd grown up here and had no idea that
this was anything but a forest. She wasn't fussy, but she really didn't want to
live in a tent. She remembered what James had said, and she cringed. And Jared
hadn't expected to bring home a bride, so who knew how he was living. But, she
didn't have the luxury of being able to use the bathroom while standing.

“Where
my father's land ends, mine begins. Over a thousand acres of forest land left
to me by my grandfather. Each of us got quite a bit of land in different
places.” He slowed and turned down another winding path. “I used to explore
these woods as a boy. These woods are where our little town got its name.”

She
might have known that. “Agnes land.”

“For
hundreds of years, yes. My father will be dead one day, and then I will grow to
love it again.”

She
didn't understand. Why stay? He must've read her expression.

“Because
I remember how much I loved it before, and how even when I lived in the city
for a short time, all I wanted was to come back. So, I built a little place for
us.”

For
us.
“What?”
Oh, that was impertinent. “I'm sorry–”

He
interrupted her with a laugh. “Before Father decided he was going to have you.”

“Oh.
I didn't expect...this ending. He told me that you left and that's why he needed
to take your place. Because of the contract.” She rubbed her hand over her
head. She wanted to apologize for looking so hideous.

“It's
fine.” He laughed again. “You see girls in the city with shorter hair. Pants
even.”

“They
sell pants for girls?” She tried not to look scandalized. She wasn't
successful.

“I
think they sew them, but then I don't usually go shopping for women's clothes.
We can go to the city soon and see.”

She
immediately refused, though she wanted to desperately. She didn't want to be difficult.
“I don't need any clothes and I know how to sew.”

“But
do you have pants? I require my bride to wear pants.”

It
took her a few seconds to realize he was teasing her, and she smiled. “All
right, then. If you don't mind being seen with an adolescent boy.”

He
laughed and smiled back at her, eyes crinkling. “I think you'll like visiting
there. It's very crowded, but the anonymity of it is very refreshing. There's
so many places to eat, and to shop. I hadn't had time to plan a honeymoon, but
once you get settled, and I build a fence, we can go for a few days, if you'd
like.”

He
would actually be seen with her, looking the mess that she was. She rubbed her
head again.

“I
like it, silly girl.” He reached over and ran his fingers through it. It was
forward, but she was his now.

She
wasn't prepared for the jolt or her racing heart. She tried not to move away.
She didn't want to displease him. She didn't believe him, though she
appreciated his kindness. “When did you go to the city?”

He
was silent for a moment. “Right before Anna died. I left not because of the
contract, but because of Anna. He was cruel to her, and I called him on it. He
made me leave. I wasn't there very long. I went there to work, but I didn't
have the schooling or credentials for the jobs I wanted. Not with plenty of
college kids applying and such. But, I don't want the farm. Jude does, though
for some reason Father is reluctant to give it to him fully.”

It
looked like he had more to say about Jude, but he stayed silent about him after
that, eyes shifting her way quickly. “I also didn't want to live with one of my
brothers and work at a bank. Well, I would love to work at the bank. I'm sure
there are plenty of computer issues, but I don't know if I can trust my
brothers. I don't know how close they really are to Father.”

They
rode another moment, but it was less tense. She didn't realize they were at the
house until he stopped the truck. It was so dark because they were covered in
oaks, and he'd failed to turn the light on when he'd left that afternoon, not
taking into account that it he would be gone the rest of the day. “Give me one
minute,” he said as he opened the door. A minute later, the whole front was
illuminated.

It
was a small wooden house. Shula was so relieved. He opened her door and helped
her out. He grabbed her bags and she followed him in. She wanted to explore. If
she was going to be the woman of the house, she would need to discover every
part of it.

“Would
you like to bathe?” Jared asked. He was leaning on a door frame that she
presumed led to his–
their
bedroom. “Or were you still hungry? You can
look around if you like, but this is it really.” He motioned toward the living
area with a single brown sofa and matching chair. There was a coffee table that
matched the wooden walls, and a slim television on the wall.

The
kitchen was much more modern than the one she had at home, but she would
explore that tomorrow. She was in desperate need of a wash. “Yes. Bath.”

She
walked toward the bedroom and he moved to let her in. Her eyes strayed to the
haphazardly made queen-sized bed. The baby blue duvet was gorgeous against the
oak headboard. Her bed at home was certainly less nice. She wanted to touch it,
but she didn't want to get it dirty.

She
turned to him to ask about her bags, and she saw them on the chair next to him
by the door. When she smiled, she fully noticed his suit. It was a funeral
suit. She began to laugh. She laughed until she was crying. She didn't know if
she was scared or relieved or happy. Maybe all three. She hadn't planned to
live. She hadn't planned to open her bag again until she needed to retrieve her
great-grandfather's cigarette case.

Jared
didn't seem to be alarmed. He looked a little sad. “Shula, it's alright. You
have a bath, and after we can watch a film. Or you can open the drawers and
rifle through them. This is your home. There is nowhere that you aren't
allowed. I'll repeat: This is your home.
Our
home. Everything here is
yours.”

She
didn't have any reason to disbelieve him. She nodded and walked to her bag,
getting her nightdress, toiletries and some underthings. She'd grabbed her bra,
because even if this was her husband, no man had ever seen her without one. Her
nightdress would make her anxious enough.

The
bathroom had a bath that was beyond any claw foot one she'd ever seen. It was
huge and it was
hers.
It was. Jared had said. Though after looking at
her appearance, she wondered what was wrong with him.

There
was a shower tucked in a separate stall behind the tub and that would be the
most practical tonight. She was filthy, and she didn't want to soak in her
mother's ashes.

She
took her veil off first and let it drop to the floor. She stepped out of the
ruined dress, balled it up, and pushed it into the garbage can, laying the veil
on top. She didn't think her mother would mind.

She
had a plain gold band to commemorate today. She didn't know if it was a family
ring, or some trinket James picked up. She would need to ask Jared. She didn't
want to appear ungrateful, but she didn't want to wear something that wasn't
meaningful to Jared. The ring on Jared's finger, Shula hadn't a clue about.
Maybe eventually, if he liked her, she could sell her great-grandfather's
cigarette case and get one for him. One that had meaning, and one that they
would want passed down. She was romanticizing now, but after the day she'd had,
she was allowed.

As
she washed, she wondered how disappointed he would be if she didn't bloody the
sheets after their first time. When it wouldn't hurt. Maybe she could pretend
that it was uncomfortable for a few moments.

She
wasn't afraid of sex with Jared, she realized. She found herself curious. Her
mother never got the chance to explain what would happen, and her father
certainly didn't. She knew the mechanics from her science lessons, and she knew
how babies were made, but that was it.

She
could potentially get pregnant tonight. She'd not thought of that before and
she wasn't sure she liked it. Maybe Jared would be agreeable; he seemed the agreeable
sort. She just wanted a bit more time. The house looked easy enough to care
for, and truly, Shula didn't need many things. But, a baby might be
overwhelming. She couldn't see him being insistent about it. After all, he
didn't know he was getting married today anyway, though he admitted to wanting
to when he'd told her about building their house.

Her
adrenals were still being a bit troublesome, but she imaged that after a good
night's rest, they would level.

When
she finished washing, she dried herself off, and brushed her teeth. Her stark
appearance made her grimace, but it would grow back. She remembered him running
his fingers through it playfully.

After
he saw her today, surely anything would be an improvement. And hopefully he had
better films than her father. Jared had said nothing in their home was off
limits, and she wanted to believe him.

She
was tired of waiting for permission. What to eat, when to cook, what to watch,
what to read, what to wear–it was all so insulting and tedious the older she
got.

But
it sounded like Jared had been tired of being told what to do as well, but as a
man, he was in a position of taking control of his own situation.

She
was starting to feel like luck was on her side.

She
dressed, held her head high, and opened the bathroom door.

She
walked out of the bedroom, all the lights were off, save for an oil lamp, and
Jared was at the window. He turned to look at her, and he looked devastated.

VI

“I'm sorry,” he
whispered. He locked the screen door as his eyes darted across the yard. He
raised his hand to work ineffectively on his tie, eyes still seeking in the
dark.

Eyes
not on her. How in the world was she more hideous now? She opened her mouth,
absolving him of any unnecessary apology, when he spoke again, after closing
the front door, locking it, and walking quickly toward her, removing his jacket
and setting it on the chair. She took a few steps back, feeling the bed hit the
back of her knees. “It will be...terrible, I think. It will have to be. I fear
he is watching...listening. I can't be certain–” He knelt down and lifted her
nightdress. “If I get you ready, it won't hurt. I promise. But, he'll want to
hear you scream. You'll
have
to scream. He won't leave us alone
otherwise.”

Her
panties were pulled down slowly, but she didn't say a word. Consent was an
illusion for her now, but she wasn't frightened. But, she was very confused.
Jared was terrified, and what he was saying wasn't making any sense. Was it
James? Why would he be watching? Listening? The thought made her nauseous. She
looked toward the window. A sheer blue curtain panel was moving outward just a
bit. The window was cracked.

Jared
turned out the bedroom light, leaving just a small oil lamp from the living
room to illuminate the room. “After this, I won't touch you again unless you
wish me to.” He smiled grimly as his fingers moved higher.

Shula
sat heavily. The fingers on her bare thighs forced her.

“I'm
sorry. I'm so sorry.” He kissed both of her knees in quick succession.

She
stayed silent as his hands moved up her thighs and gripped her panties, pulling
them down with difficulty.

She
didn't help him. She didn't know if she was supposed to. It seemed indecent. He
was about to see her. It was thrilling and horrifying as she watched her
panties be discarded at the foot of the bed.

“Lie
back on a pillow, please. At least you'll be comfortable for this charade.” He
helped maneuver her back. It wasn't easy since she was inclined to try to keep
her knees together.

Charade.
That stung. She would just
let him get this over with, then.

She
was comfortably on her back when he lifted her dress again. She closed her eyes
tight. His right hand brushed through her pubic hair, moving downward, and her
breath caught when his thumb brushed her clitoris.

She
could absolutely enjoy this.

His
left hand moved the dress up further, baring her from the waist down, and
Shula's cheeks flushed. Fingers dipped and explored, opened her, and aroused
her.

She
let out a broken whine, lifting her hips, when she felt Jared's forehead
against her stomach, face pressing briefly into it. He inhaled her deeply,
kissing the skin of her belly, and she could feel his breath, quick and
shallow.

She
spread her legs and canted her hips. She wanted to be filled.

And
as soon as his finger pressed all the way inside her, she gasped, and he
whispered more apologies against her stomach. It hadn't hurt, not even a little
bit, and she wanted more.

Maybe
she wasn't meant to enjoy it as much as she was.

He
felt the need to thoroughly prepare her, unnecessary though it was, but it was
an exquisite torture. She looked down, and all she could see was the top of his
head. He was watching his fingers disappear inside her body, and the thought
made her hold in the whine that tried to escape, and spread her legs even
further.

Jared
couldn't resist that temptation.

He
sprung up quickly and desperately tried to rid himself of his pants. He seemed
to have no shame as he bared himself to her.

Shula
thought his cock would fit her perfectly. She wanted to stare at it some more;
touch it, smell it, but he was pushing inside of her as soon as his dick was
free.

He
needed it to hurt, so that she would scream, but she didn't show any signs of
being in pain. Or uncomfortable.

She
wanted to do this indefinitely. Everyone needed to know about this.

He
was moving inside her faster and harder; his forehead pressed to hers. The
headboard was banging the wall loudly. “You need to scream. He needs to think
I'm breaking you, taming you. He needs to hear me hurting you, or I don't know
what he might do.”

Shula
could feel his breath on her face, but she wasn't registering what he was
saying. He kept talking, but the pleasure center in her brain was being so
thoroughly pummeled that she was rendered incoherent. She just kept spreading
her legs further and moving her hips.

“Shula,
grab the headboard!” He whispered harshly. He slowed his pace, grabbed her hand
and pressed it to the top of the headboard, fingers trapped. His hand pushed
against hers so her fingers couldn't escape.

And
he started fucking again, hard and relentless, until she started to shriek. He
let go, releasing her battered fingers, but continued to fuck her hard enough
to keep up the banging.

Then
she started to sob.

Jared
was a virgin, but only just. He'd gotten a hand job once when he had lived in
Austin. A few of his school friends went to the university there, and Jared
followed them to a party off campus. And got horribly drunk.

It
had felt amazing, but he didn't even catch her name. He had been lonely, and he
felt a little guilty enjoying such intimacies with a stranger.

And
while Shula was still a stranger, she was his wife, and he wanted to look at
her. He wanted to see what made her writhe so beautifully.

She
was pink and wet and he wanted very badly to inhale her, but it seemed far too
intimate when his goal now was the opposite of what he'd hoped for the evening.
He'd get close, and hopefully it would be enough. Hopefully, this wouldn't be
such a disaster to put her off entirely.

It
was easy to press his finger inside her from that position, but he wasn't
expecting how hot and accommodating her pussy would be. He nearly forgot the
reason why this was happening exactly as it was, but was reminded when Shula
made a quiet, devastating sound.

He
rose quickly to his knees, and tried to get himself ready as soon as possible.
He sank into her, hips moving involuntarily, quickly picking up the pace. He
reminded her to scream.

But
she wouldn't. Her eyes were screwed shut, but she didn't look miserable. He
couldn't quite tell what was going on with her, but her body seemed to be just
fine with him. He thought surely there would be pain, or at the very least
discomfort. He begged her with whispers, and she made no indication that she'd
heard him.

He
would need to hurt her, and he tried to think quickly which ways wouldn't make
him feel so terrible.

Once
her fingers were being smashed between the wall and the headboard, and she was
screaming, he bent down to whisper apologies, still fucking her, but his face
pressed into her wet cheek, and she began to cry earnestly.

Jared
lost his erection. He hoped that scream was enough. He smeared his face back
and forth against her collarbone, whispering apologies like a mantra. He made a
mistake. A horrible one, particularly when trying to gain the trust of someone
whom you wanted in your life.

As
soon as she calmed, he climbed off her, eased her dress down. He was surprised
by the lack of blood. The room was freezing, so he closed the window and put
the curtain in place.

He
sat on the floor facing her with his back against the wall. “The crickets went
silent,” he whispered.

Shula
turned to face him, cradling her hand. It took her a minute to talk. “I don't
know what you mean.” Her voice was wrecked.

“When
you went to bathe, I stood at the screen door, looking outside. Then it grew
quiet. I didn't think anything of it, but the progression of quiet confused
me.” He took a breath. “It might have been an animal.”

“But,
it might have been your father,” Shula caught on.

Jared
inclined his head.

“If
your father wished me cruelty, why didn't he marry me himself?”

“I
think he was ultimately...embarrassed. He's very active in the community and he
can't show off his beautiful young wife if she has no qualms sabotaging the one
thing that defines beauty on a woman. Cruelty isn't his endgame. Though that's
a result. It's about dominance and control. For you to know your place. He's a
misogynistic–”

“My
mother killed herself to buy me some time from marrying into your family.” She
exhaled, wetly.

Jared
scooted closer, and searched for her hurt hand, kissing her fingers. “Jesus,
Shula.”

“Our
mothers were best friends. She said that she used to help teach your older
brothers while your mom took care of you. Mama must have seen something, or
found something out from your mother, but I don't know what. I asked Father. He
said it would make me wish I was dead.” Shula sniffled, and let Jared kiss her
fingers some more.

“He's
had two wives die. One in childbirth and one by suicide. We would go through a
handful of help every year. I'd see him wrap his hand around Anna's neck and
squeeze, whispering in her ear, when he didn't see me. He even threatened me at
the wedding that if I didn't marry you, he would, and that you would wind up
like Anna.” Jared rested his cheek against the side of the bed. “I didn't want
him to know I was so eager.”

She
began to cry again.

“Shh.
No please. Please stop. I'm sorry.” He murmured against her fingertips.

“In
my bag, I have a cigarette case with my mother's ashes and a razor blade. I was
supposed to make a complete mess all over your father's bed. I was supposed to
be dead tonight.”

“Oh
God, no.” He rose and kissed the tears from her cheeks. “No, no, no.”

“I
really am very relieved that I'm not dead,” she sniffled.

Jared
laughed incredulously against her face. “I am very relieved you're not dead as
well.” He kissed her close to her mouth, and she moved her face.

The
kiss was sweet and lingering and very much needed at that moment. He ended it
with much hesitation. “I'm so glad I came today.”

Shula
backed her head up, so that she could look at him. “Why did you come?”

“I
wanted to let you know somehow that I would do everything in my power to save
you from him, but you managed to save yourself.” He pressed a kiss to her mouth
again.

“It
never occurred to me that I'd get out of it. Looking back at the last few days
it almost seems so unnecessarily dramatic, and I wonder if I was doing this
more to annoy your father, or to get back at mine.”

Jared
hadn't considered that. How betrayed Shula must feel. He was suddenly ashamed
by how fearful he'd been. He had a
wife
now. It was his job to protect
her. She wouldn't have to be trapped in the corner scared any longer. “I'm
sorry that I gave in earlier. That I was more worried about what he might do
than what would be best for you, for
us
. I hope you can forgive me.”

“I'm
fine. My fingers barely hurt anymore.” She was telling the truth.

“What
about everything else? I didn't see any blood, and you didn't seem to be in any
pain, but it's not for me to guess.”

“Ah.
Well.” She took a deep breath. This was mortifying, but she found that she
didn't want him to doubt that he was truly her first time. Well, of the alive
sort. “There was a time before, when so much importance was placed on my
purity. It made me angry. That I was only worth that first time. I didn't want
anyone to...it was the one thing I could control, so...I took care of it
myself.” She closed her eyes, more embarrassed than she thought she would be.

Jared
didn't understand what she meant at first.
Took care of it herself? Oh.
“How?”
It was light enough in the room to see her blush.

“My
fingers at first.” She wasn't going to go through the entire list of
masturbation experiments. “I then moved to cucumbers and squash.” Shula looked
at him, and he seemed to be intrigued. “Which I then used for salad. I might've
hated my father for longer than I thought.”

Jared
laughed. “What have I gotten myself into?”