Cowboy Cool: Book 5 (Cowboy Justice Association) (33 page)

Sniffling and stiff, she stood and padded into the kitchen for a tissue and then realized she needed several. She blew her nose a few times and then opened the freezer and pulled out the stash she’d saved for this morning. She’d bought it at the store a few days ago.

One half gallon of chocolate marshmallow ice cream. One spoon. No bowl required, but she might heat up some of that hot fudge sauce in the pantry. She might have some sprinkles in there too.

She was allowing herself one day to wallow in misery. That was it. Then it was back to business and her life. She loved Reed but she’d learned something from him as well.

Life not lived is wasted.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

T
wo long miserable weeks later Reed couldn’t take it anymore. He hadn’t made any progress on not feeling like he’d failed Julie. He knew it was only a couple of weeks, but shit, he missed Kaylee more than he’d ever imagined. He wanted to be worthy of her love, to have some sort of future to look forward to.

Kaylee did love him.

She hadn’t said it but then neither had he. He couldn’t tell her until he could do something about it. Sure, he could go to her now and tell her he wanted to spend his life with her, but he knew how that would end. At some point guilt would swamp him and interfere in his life with Kaylee. He’d always feel unworthy or scared that he’d do something. Their entire life together would be tainted.

Because he was a fuck up.

At the end of his rope, he’d picked up the phone and called his former father-in-law. Sonny Tolliver had been happy to hear from him and had agreed to meet, which was how Reed came to be ringing Sonny’s doorbell today.

“Come in and get out of the cold,” the older man encouraged as the front door swung open. It was colder than hell with a good covering of snow on the ground, but then Christmas was not far away. Reed still hadn’t opened Kaylee’s gift to him but it sat on the table next to his bed where he could see it every morning and every night.

“Thanks, Sonny. It’s damn cold and wet this morning.” Reed stomped the snow off his boots and shrugged out of his coat and gloves, hanging them on the hooks in the front hallway along with his hat. He’d never been to this house outside of Gallatin, near the gateway to Yellowstone. The last time he’d seen Sonny had been at his wife Eleanor’s funeral. At that time they’d been working a horse ranch near Billings.

“Get you some coffee?” Sonny’s voice boomed, but then it always had. His short-cropped hair was now silver and his face had more lines, but he was still the barrel-chested foreman that Reed had always known.

“Wouldn’t mind a cup.” Reed followed Sonny into the kitchen-living room combination and let his gaze wander over the neat but spare furnishings. It was the home of a bachelor and Reed would know. Not like Kaylee’s home with throw pillows and cute salt and pepper shakers. The only personalization Reed saw was a gallery of photos on the far wall.

He couldn’t resist the pull and frankly, he didn’t want to. He had a box of photos at home but hadn’t dared to open them in over a decade. It had been too painful and Julie’s passing still too fresh.

There was one of Reed, Julie, and her brothers on horseback. They couldn’t have been more than sixteen but he didn’t remember the exact occasion this was taken. Reed had been looking at Julie and she’d been smiling back as if he were her whole world.

Their prom photo. Julie looking so exquisitely young and beautiful in a dark blue strapless dress and Reed looking like a damn penguin in his tux. Shit, had they ever been that young and naïve? They’d thought they had the world by the short hairs.

“I like looking at the pictures.” Sonny had come up next to him and held up a large mug to Reed. “I like thinking about the past. I’m not a big fan of the present. Too many people upset about things. Too many people staring at their damn phones and walking out in traffic. I guess I’m just getting old but I like reminiscing about the good old days.”

Reed accepted the mug but couldn’t stop the next words out of his mouth. “What about the days that weren’t so good? What about them?”

“Ain’t no way I know of to forget ’em.” The older man shrugged. “When you get to be my age you realize the bad just makes the good all the better.” Sonny grinned and chuckled. “And damn, we had some good. I could live off the memories until the day I die.”

Reed didn’t have one memory worth a shit from the last fifteen years. He’d been sleepwalking through life, throwing it away one day at a time as if it didn’t matter. Because he was too chickenshit to feel the pain of loss.

“You want to talk about the good? Look at that picture, son. You, Julie, and the whole family out at Black Lake. I think you caught the biggest fish that weekend. Those days are worth remembering.”

“I couldn’t tell you the last time I went fishing,” Reed replied, breathing through the heaviness that had descended on him. It wasn’t so much a sharp pain now as it was a thick blanket that made him want to close his eyes and surrender to the loneliness.

Reed did remember that weekend at Black Lake. They’d had fun fishing and swimming without a care in the world that summer. It helped him inhale easier and it actually made him smile as he thought about how they’d tied a long rope to a tree and used it to swing out over the water and then jump in. Looking at those photos he hadn’t realized he’d forgotten so much.

“I need to talk to you, Sonny,” Reed finally said as they looked at the photos of the past. “I need to tell you something.”

“Yep, I figured you had a bee in your bonnet, son. I haven’t talked to you since Ellie’s funeral, God rest her beautiful soul, so this must be important.”

Reed flushed with shame and guilt. Sonny had deserved better, being like a second father to him all those years. “I’m sorry about that. I know I should have kept in touch.”

“I talk to your dad every month, so I keep up on what’s happening in your life. We’re all real proud of you. I know Julie would be too.”

Just when Reed thought he had himself under control, a dagger to his gut almost doubled him over with agony. “That’s what I want to talk to you about. There’s something I’ve never told you.”

“You look almost green, son. Let’s sit at the table and you can tell me all about it.”

“I’m not sure where to begin,” Reed said as he lowered himself into the chair, his hands cupped around the hot mug.

“I’ve always found it’s best to start at the beginning and work from there.”

The beginning. Where was that?

Reed took a sip from his coffee. “I loved Julie. More than you can imagine, but I let her down and I’ve never forgiven myself for it.”

*   *   *   *

Kaylee popped the cookie sheet into the oven and sat down at the island where her phone was perched on a box of baking soda.

“I’m worried about you,” she said to Ava who had called this morning since Kaylee hadn’t called in several days. Still hurting from Reed’s departure, she’d buried herself in a new book. “What exactly did the doctor say again?”

“If my blood pressure doesn’t stop creeping up he’s putting my ever-growing ass in the hospital. If that happens I’ll be almost an hour away from home and I’ll only see Logan a few hours a day. I don’t want that, although from what he said it’s inevitable the further along I get. These two babies probably aren’t going to wait the full forty weeks.”

“Impatient just like their dad,” Kaylee laughed. “You’re not exactly patience personified either.”

“But you are,” Ava retorted. “I cannot believe you let Reed just drive away. Shit, why aren’t you up here right now beating him over the head with a rolling pin?”

This was one of the reasons she’d only talked to Ava a few times.

“This is between me and Reed.”

“Not anymore it isn’t. He’s here and you’re not. So technically Reed brought the situation back here to Montana which means it now belongs to all of us. And all of us think you both have lost your minds. Logan saw Reed at the monthly meeting a few days ago and said he looked miserable. What are you two doing to one another? What’s going on?”

“Ava, it’s not my story to tell.” Kaylee wouldn’t talk about something he had told her in confidence. “It’s Reed’s story. But suffice it to say he needs time and space. He knows where I live, my phone number, and email address. He can get in touch with me if he needs me.”

Other than a few texts from the road and one when he’d arrived at his home she hadn’t heard a word from him. She’d thought he might go back to his old habits but if Logan said Reed looked miserable then he hadn’t. It was the first good news she’d had in weeks.

“I just want you to be happy. Both of you.”

“I am happy. I have a lovely home, good friends, and a great career. I even make awesome cookies which I need to pull out of the oven. Hold on for a minute.” Kaylee jumped up, stuck her hand in an oven mitt, and pulled out the cookie sheet, setting it on the top of the stove. “Now if you’re asking if I’m deliriously happy, then the answer is no. But I plan on being that way. I’m going to have a great life, Reed or no Reed.”

“Reed’s not happy,” Ava countered. “I don’t want him to be sad.”

With a spatula, Ava carefully lifted each cookie from the sheet onto parchment paper laid out on the counter. “I know this sounds strange, but feeling sad is actually the healthiest thing Reed could do right now. Let him be sad.”

Reed needed to finally grieve and mourn, something he hadn’t let himself do all those years ago. Coming to grips with the fact he wasn’t perfect and Julie wasn’t either wasn’t going to happen overnight.

“So it’s over between you two? Done?”

Kaylee lifted a warm chocolate chip cookie to her mouth, letting it melt on her tongue. They were Reed’s favorite and one of the reasons she’d baked them today. In a funny way it made her feel closer to him even though he was physically in another state.

“Who knows what the future will bring,” Kaylee answered. She still had hope in her heart. The love she felt for Reed Mitchell hadn’t dimmed in the least.

“You’ve gotten philosophical since dating Reed. It’s a strange result.”

Kaylee smiled, letting images of her time with him flicker in front of her eyes. “I guess it is. I need to run, but take care of yourself, okay? No getting thrown in the hospital. That’s where they put the sick people.”

“No kidding,” Ava groaned. “But you take care too. I mean it. I want you to be happy.”

“I’m fine. Stop worrying about me.”

It was Reed they should be worried about. Kaylee couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing this very minute.

Did he ever think about her?

Chapter Thirty