Cowboy Cool: Book 5 (Cowboy Justice Association) (32 page)

“The walls must be thin, or maybe it’s the bossy tone you use when you talk to them that permeates the entire house.”

He couldn’t argue with the remark. He ran a tight ship and didn’t mince words with his deputies. The men he employed liked it that way and appreciated the no-nonsense way he ran the station.

“I
am
the boss. If you think I’m bad you should see Jared. Perfection isn’t good enough for him. He has a tough time keeping deputies when he has that high of standards.”

“He doesn’t sound very nice.”

Nice
wasn’t a word most women used to describe Sheriff Jared Monroe. Sexy, brooding, alpha, stubborn, handsome, implacable might be a few. Men described him as a tough son of a bitch who didn’t ask anyone to do anything he wasn’t willing to do himself—men who were willing to put themselves out there and see what they were made of. Any man who wasn’t willing to push further and ask more of himself than he’d thought possible? Well, he need not apply.

“Actually Jared is one of the nicest guys around. He’d do anything to help a person and has been known to walk miles through a blizzard to help stranded motorists or work forty-eight hours straight so one of his deputies could have time off to be with his newborn. He just has incredibly high standards for himself and the people around him. He can be tough to work for. Hell, he’s toughest on himself.”

“Then he sounds driven and tortured.”

Jared was definitely driven to be the best. Was he tortured? He didn’t act it, but then Reed didn’t know what drove most of his friends. He was only now figuring out what tortured him.

And because of that they needed to lay down a few ground rules before Reed agreed to stay here.

“If I stay it’s not a promise, honey.” The words came out awkwardly but he didn’t know any other way to say it.

She didn’t raise her head to look at him. “I know. I’m not ready to say goodbye yet though.”

“Me neither. I’m not sure I ever will be but I know that I’m not ready to talk about the future. I’ve got a lot of baggage I need to deal with.”

And he did intend to deal with it. When he’d admitted to himself that he loved Kaylee he’d known that he had to face his past and wrestle his demons. But he wasn’t sure how.

“Do you want to?” Her hand had slid down his chest and her fingers had entwined with his. A warm feeling of contentment spread straight to his bones. It felt good and right but also fleeting. If he reached out for it, would it elude his grasp?

“I do,” he said with firm conviction. “You’ve shown me it’s time to face up to everything that’s happened, although I’m not sure how to even start.”

Kaylee sat up and pulled away from him slightly so she could look into his eyes. “I’ve agreed to see a counselor, maybe you should too. You’re as much of a victim as I am.”

Reed shook his head, his first gut reaction a resounding
no
. “That doesn’t sound like something I could do. I need to handle this on my own.”

Kaylee raised her brows and smiled. “How’s that working out for you?” she asked in a saccharine sweet voice.

Got it. Sarcasm.

“Not very well I’ll admit, but to be fair I wasn’t exactly trying to deal with things. I’ve experienced more emotions in the last two days than I have in the last fifteen years combined. I gotta be honest, honey. I’m not sure I like it.”

He loved her but it didn’t mean he was good at it or that it was enough to make her happy. The way he was now he knew he couldn’t make it work for the two of them. He’d always be looking over his shoulder.

“I want you to get better. Even if…” Her voice drifted off for a moment but came back stronger. “Even if you and I don’t happen after this time together, well, I want you to find happiness. It’s not just about you getting better for me. It isn’t like that.”

She sounded defensive but she needn’t have. He knew she wasn’t being selfish although he wouldn’t have blamed her if she had been.

“I’d like to get better…for you, baby.” He couldn’t even begin to express how true that statement was. “I care more about you than anything else in my life.”

It was as close to saying “I love you” as he could get at this moment and amazingly she seemed satisfied. Of all the people on this earth, she understood how hard it was for him to care for anything or anyone, let alone this much.

“I feel the same. Let’s just take it day by day. I won’t ask for commitments or promises and you try and get better.”

She held out her hand as if she wanted to shake on the deal, but he had a better plan. His hand curled behind her neck, caressing the satiny skin, and he drew her close for a long, hot, satisfying kiss.

“That’s a deal, honey.”

For now it was all he could promise.

*   *   *   *

I will not cry. I will not cry.

“Did you get your razor from the shower?” Kaylee asked Reed as they stood in her bedroom while he packed up his things four weeks later. They’d spent practically every moment of that time together and if anything she had fallen deeper in love with this man who was in so much pain.

They’d both kept their promises. She didn’t ask him for anything past this time and he opened up more. Neither of those things had been easy. Right now she wanted to throw herself to the floor and hang on to his leg so he couldn’t walk out of the front door and climb into his truck.

“I did, and all my clothes from the closet and drawers. I think that’s it.”

He stared down at the bag but didn’t zip it shut. There was a part of him that wanted to stay, Kaylee knew that. She also knew there was a part of him that couldn’t wait to get back to Montana where he could fall into old habits and return to being the man that never felt anything or cared about anyone.

“Kaylee–” Reed began but she cut him off.

“How long will it take you to get home?” she asked brightly, not wanting to hear him talk about how sorry he was that he had to go or that he couldn’t love her. The last month had been the best of her life but it was over. She’d vowed to see the good side of this situation, that she’d had any time with him at all. No crying or whining.

“About twenty hours or so,” Reed answered shortly. “You’re not going to stop me from talking. I’m not leaving until we do this.”

Then she never wanted to talk about it, except that wouldn’t be fair to him.

“So talk.” Kaylee dropped down to the bed and sat cross-legged on the mattress. Composing her features, she looked up at him and waited for what was sure to be a well-rehearsed speech about how it wasn’t her but him.

It’s not you, it’s me, baby.

“I’d like to ask you for time, but I’m not going to. It wouldn’t be fair. I have a lot of work ahead of me turning all this emotional shit around and asking you to wait while I do it is a selfish, bullshit move. Especially as I have no idea how long it will take or if I’ll even be successful.”

He would be, she was sure of it. He was that type—good at everything and so damn smart. But she didn’t know how long it would take either. He’d been like this for years. It might take the same to deal with the past.

“I want to tell you I’ll wait, but you’re right. It’s not fair to me or you, really. Your feelings could change in the future but you’d feel obligated to me. And waiting around for you isn’t a healthy thing to do. I can’t put off my future because you aren’t in it.”

She sounded so practical and calm but inside she was slowly dying, like a dagger had been plunged straight into her heart and being twisted ever so slowly to draw out the pain. It made simple things like breathing feel like a great effort.

Reed nodded and rubbed the back of his neck. “I doubt my feelings are going to change. If I haven’t found anyone else that makes me feel this way in fifteen years, I think I’m good for at least another fifteen or twenty or more. But you made an excellent point. It’s not right for you to base your decisions on me.”

She wanted to smack him and make him say the words he’d studiously avoided saying for the last month even though she knew he felt it. He showed his love every single day in every action and touch. Every word and deed. Did he think she was stupid? She wrote romance for fuck’s sake. She knew when a man was in love. Why couldn’t he throw her a bone before he left and just fucking
say it
?

“So we’re making a clean break,” she said instead, taking a shaky breath and swallowing the lump in her throat. “What we had was great but now it’s over and we start our lives separately. Except maybe text me when you get home so I know you made it okay?”

She sounded so damn needy but she’d worry every hour he was on the road. Reed didn’t seem to mind though. He smiled and chuckled before reaching down to finally zip the leather bag closed.

“I will. I’ll text you when I stop for gas or food so you know I’m okay.” He pushed the bag aside and sat down next to her, pulling her into his arms. She took a deep breath so she could memorize his scent. She wanted to imprint the way he felt into her brain so she would have the memory whenever she needed it, some dark, lonely night far into the future. “You know, it’s okay for us to care about each other. It’s okay if you want to stay in touch or something. I’m going to miss you and I hope you’ll miss me.”

“I will.” She nodded and rubbed her cheek against his chest. She could hear the steady thrum of his heart but this time the rhythm didn’t calm her down. It served only to make her more aware that the real live hero she’d met would soon be gone from her life. “You could send me an email every now and then or something.”

“You too. Let me know when the book comes out or what Santa Claus brings you.”

Kaylee slapped her forehead with the heel of her hand and pulled reluctantly from his warm embrace. “Shit, that reminds me. Since you weren’t going to be here for Christmas, I bought you a present.”

They’d had Thanksgiving dinner together last week, just the two of them, fixing the meal as a team and watching football. It had been one of the best holidays she’d ever spent as an adult.

His brows shot up. “You bought me a present? But I didn’t get anything for you. Fuck.”

She went to her closet and dug around behind her shoes. She’d known he’d never look there. She hoped he liked the present and understood what it represented to her.

“I didn’t get you a gift because I thought you’d get me one. I got you a gift because I wanted to. Here it is.” She placed the red and gold wrapped box on the bed between them. “You can open it now or wait. It’s up to you.”

He picked up the box and fingered the elaborate bow she’d fashioned, hiding his expression. “Can I save it until Christmas? I’m one of those that doesn’t like to open before Christmas Eve.”

She swallowed her disappointment and hoped it didn’t show. “Sure. I’m just the opposite. I used to shake every package under the tree trying to figure out what was in it. I would have opened every present early if my mom and grandma would have let me.”

“Then you wouldn’t have anything to open on Christmas,” he reminded her. “What then?”

She grinned up at him, determined not to show her pain at his departure. “Then I get a whole new set of presents.”

“I never thought of it that way before. Smart.” Reed laughed and unzipped his bag and carefully placed the box inside before closing it again. “I guess I should be hitting the road. The sun’s up and it’s a long drive.”

Walking down the stairs and to his truck was like walking to her own execution, her legs shaky and her eyes burning from the tears she didn’t want him to see. She shuffled alongside as slowly as she could but eventually they ended up standing by the driver’s door. Reed stowed his bag in the back seat of the truck and turned to face her.

Those pesky tears simply couldn’t be held back when she saw his own hazel eyes shiny with moisture. She choked back a sob and threw herself into his arms, holding him as tight as she could and not wanting this to moment to end.

“I want to say thank you.” His voice was hoarse with emotion and he probably hated that. “Thank you for helping me to live again. Thank you for not giving up on me. You’re without a doubt the best person I’ve ever known in my life, honey. The best. I wish I could be that for you.”

She wanted to cry out that he could…except that he couldn’t. Not yet anyway. He still felt that he’d done something wrong and that he didn’t know how or deserve love. She’d helped him as much as she could but the rest of the work he had to do himself.

And that was the painful part. She had to let him go so he could do this alone. She’d only be in the way, a distraction.

“You already are the best person I’ve ever known,” she assured him, her own voice trembling with all the love she felt spilling over like the tears sliding down her cheeks. “You are, Reed.”

They kissed, briefly but tenderly, one last time before he climbed into the truck. He’d cleared his throat a few times and his usual in-control façade was cracked and worn as he held her hand through the rolled-down window. His fingers gripped her own tightly and there was no doubt he was as affected as she was. “If you ever need anything, Kaylee Blue, you call me. Night or day. Now or in thirty goddamn years, you hear me? Whatever you need, I’m there. Got it?”

She scrubbed at her wet cheeks and nodded. It took every ounce of strength she had not to declare her love right then and there but it was a burden he didn’t need. He’d feel obligated and a bunch of other things. Besides, whether she said it or not he knew. He had to. She hadn’t bothered to hide it, she’d only been careful not to say it.

“Got it. Drive careful. Text me.”

Slowly their fingers loosened and her hand fell to her side. Reed put the truck in reverse and backed out of her driveway and then drove down the street. She stood there until his truck was out of sight and then walked into the house, closing and locking the door behind her.

It was a habit now.

Curling up on the couch, she pulled her knees close to her chest and wrapped her arms around them as the sobs began to wrack her body, each one deeper and more painful than the last. How long she sat there and cried she didn’t know. Rocking back and forth as if to comfort herself, she didn’t stop crying until she had no more tears.