Cowboy Justice (15 page)

“Why am I only now hearing about this?”

“I didn’t realize I was supposed to clear my every romantic relationship with you.”

“Who are these guys? Certainly no one around town or someone would’ve heard tell. And where do you find them? You never leave the farm.”

Rachel yanked a blade of wild alfalfa from a clump growing at the base of the rock and twisted it around her finger. “I leave the farm all the time. I go to a lot of livestock auctions and supply stores, and I used to deliver alfalfa to ranches all over the county. I’ve been surrounded by men every day of my life.” She paused, shaking her head. “Why am I telling you this?”

“I’m not sure, but I’m spellbound. Tell me more. I want details. Lots of details.”

Good grief. “I think you and I are better off never confessing our sexual histories to each other, Jen. I don’t want to know who and what you’ve done, and I’m sure as hell not going to give you details about who and what I’ve done.” She unwound the grass from her finger and snapped it in half, wincing as a new possibility hit her. “Did you share any of the rumors about me with anyone, like Amy?”

Jenna huffed. “Nah. You’re my sister. I’d never gossip about you to anyone except Amy, and right now she’s too busy with the restaurant and her wedding plans to think of anything but her own happiness.”

Thank God for small favors.

“Vaughn’s totally hot, by the way,” Jenna added. “I’m not into the whole cowboy lawman vibe he’s got going on, but he’s still drool worthy.”

A smile tugged at Rachel’s lips. “Yes, he is.”

Jenna picked her own blade of wild alfalfa and tied it in a knot. “After Dad died, there were a few times when I stopped by the main house and Vaughn’s patrol car was parked out front, but neither he nor you could be found. With so much going on at the time, I forgot about it until I heard Linda and Nancy gabbing at the salon. Is that when it started, this thing between you two?”

“He and I had been circling each other for a while, but after Dad died is when it finally happened.”

“He was at the hospital when Mom died.”

Rachel knew where this railroad track led, knew she no longer had the luxury to hide behind her cowardliness. Admitting her affair with Vaughn meant confessing to her deepest, most painful sin. She pulled another blade of alfalfa from the ground and cinched it around her finger until the pool of blood in her fingertip throbbed.

How could she say it? How could she explain to Jenna how their mom’s death was her fault? How did one find the words to admit to the negligent homicide of a parent? She had to try, though. Her throat constricted. “Yeah, he was.”

“And he was at the hospital the night mom tried to kill herself.”

How did Jenna do it? Blew Rachel’s mind the way she could get to the heart of the matter so intuitively. Rachel ground her fist into her stomach to quell the burning. “How did you know that?”

“I went to my car looking for my cell phone and saw you two talking in the parking garage. I figured he was interviewing you in an official capacity about what happened. But that’s not why he was there, was it?”

“No.” She shoved off from the rock and paced to the decorative picket fence she’d constructed for Jenna around her orange tree so Tulip couldn’t get at it, swallowing a bunch of times to ease the tightness in her throat. “Jenna, I owe you an apology. I owe you more than that, but it’s all I have to give. That and my vow to you and Tommy and Amy that I’ll never let anything like that happen again.”

“I’m confused. I thought we were talking about you sleeping with Vaughn.”

“If I’m going to tell you about my private life, and the mistakes I’ve made, I’m going to start at the beginning.” She pushed another antacid from the roll onto her tongue. “You remember the day of Dad’s funeral, the day the bank called?”

That was the day she and Jenna discovered their parents had been flat broke, their land mortgaged to the hilt, their retirement funds empty, and their bank accounts overdrawn. Amy had been off preparing to film a cooking competition TV show, and though she’d come home immediately on learning of Dad’s death, she’d had to rush back to the show as soon as the funeral ended. Mom spent the day in her room, heavily sedated under doctor’s orders.

“That was a rough day,” Jenna said.

“To say the least. After you went home to put Tommy down for the night, I was too agitated to be indoors. You know how I get.”

Jenna offered a melancholy smile. “You got that from Dad.”

“One of many things. So anyway, I snagged a six-pack of his beer from the fridge and headed to the porch. Two beers later, the sheriff—” She winced. Old habits died hard. “Vaughn showed up.”

She stopped talking, lost in memory. He’d parked his patrol car next to her work truck. She’d never forget the sound of his boots crunching on the gravel driveway, nor the look on his face when he got close enough for her to see it in the light of the full moon. For the first time, he didn’t look at her like she was troublemaker Jenna Sorentino’s older sister, or a grieving daughter, or a member of his voting constituency.

She’d never before seen desire burning in a man’s eyes like it had in his that night. Hunger and need darkened his expression, making his body tense, his movements sharp.

How did he know?,
had been her first thought. How did he know she’d wanted him that same way for years?

“I was so angry at Dad, for the finances and for dying on us like he did. And I had a beer buzz going. I couldn’t help myself. Vaughn, he—” Damn, she couldn’t say it. Besides, what had happened next wasn’t any of Jenna’s business.

Right there on the porch of her parents’ house, while her mom slept off her drugs, she and Vaughn had done wicked, wonderful things to each other. He was everything she needed, the escape she’d been longing for. It was such a relief to let her guard down, to give up control and surrender to baser feelings. To not think at all.

He was so damn skilled at what he did. And she’d wanted him for so damn long.

“You don’t need to rationalize it,” Jenna said quietly. “Grief does funny things to us all. A man wanted you and you wanted him, and that’s really all it takes, isn’t it? Nothing complicated about that.”

Rachel squeezed her eyes closed, jarring loose the tears that had been pooling in her eyes. “But it
was
complicated. Because Mom was sick and I wasn’t around. I had responsibilities to her. And I turned my back on her for a few fleeting moments of pleasure.”

“I still don’t understand what you have to apologize for.”

Rachel’s legs grew unbearably restless. Pushing away from the fence, she stalked up to Jenna, swiping at the tears on her cheek. “Because the night Mom tried to kill herself, I was at Vaughn’s house. I wasn’t home when she needed me. I left her alone in the middle of a bipolar meltdown so I could screw the town sheriff. It’s my fault she’s dead.”

Jenna was crying silent tears, same as Rachel. But she didn’t look angry. Not in the least. She hugged her knees up to her chest and sniffed.

“Do you hear what I’m saying?” Rachel said more loudly, her voice cracking. “It’s. My. Fault.” She choked on a sob.

Why wasn’t Jenna horrified?

Instead, Jenna pulled a whole clump of weedy grass up by the roots and let it sprinkle from her hands like grains of wheat. Tears fell over her cheeks and dripped onto her shirt. She wiped them with her sleeve.

“Talk to me, Jenna. I need to know what you’re thinking, even if you can’t forgive me.”

The glassiness disappeared from Jenna’s eyes as she met Rachel’s gaze. “It’s hard, thinking about that month. Worst month of our lives.”

Rachel nodded. “It was. And I made it worse. You and Tommy and Mom were counting on me, but I let the unimaginable happen.” A fresh cascade of tears fell from Jenna’s eyes. Rachel slid to the ground and knelt before her, covering Jenna’s hands with her own. “I am so sorry for the mistakes I made. I’m sorry I let you all down. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself, and I certainly don’t expect you to forgive me, but I need you to know I’ll live the rest of my life trying to make it up to you all.”

Jenna threw her arms around Rachel’s neck. Rachel hugged her middle.

They trembled and cried together.

“All this time, you’ve been holding that inside you?” Jenna whispered. “My God, how did you function, carrying that around?”

“I was scared to tell you. Scared of what you’d think of me.”

With her voice muffled against Rachel’s shirtsleeve, Jenna said, “No wonder you have ulcers, sis. You’ve been hurting worse than the rest of us, and we didn’t even know it.”

“I don’t understand why you aren’t furious.”

Jenna set her hands on Rachel’s shoulder. The look she gave her didn’t have a hint of anger to it, but was full of love. “When I got pregnant with Tommy, I cared more about your judgment than both Mom’s and Dad’s combined. I thought for sure you’d never forgive me.”

“I was spitting nails for weeks when you confessed why you were sick as a dog every morning.”

“True, but you didn’t send me packing, or insist I get an abortion or marry the baby’s father—all the things that had me terrified of telling you.”

“Of course I didn’t. It wasn’t my place to force you into making another hasty choice that would affect the rest of your life. Now, I’ll admit I would’ve killed whoever dared knock up my little sister, but seeing as how you never saw fit to tell me who I should aim my shotgun at, I was prevented from landing myself in jail for murder.”

Jenna chuckled. “Oh, the gossip that would’ve stirred up in town.”

“You know what, Jen? As hard as those first couple months of your pregnancy were, Tommy was a real miracle for this family. Especially for you.”

“He deserved a mom who had her act together. But I turned my life around for you too. I didn’t think it’d do to repay your support by sticking you with my baby while I went off partying like I didn’t have a care in the world.”

Rachel climbed up to sit on the rock. “Why are we talking about this now?”

Jenna slung her arm across Rachel’s shoulders. “Because you’re more of a mom to me than Mom was. You raised me more than anyone else did in this family. My whole life, I watched you work your butt off around this place, and I never helped you out. All I did was cause you grief, getting in trouble with the law, getting drunk and running with the wrong crowd. And when I topped my own list of screw-ups by getting pregnant right out of high school, you told me everything would be okay. And it was. Because you made sure it was. What kind of person would I be not to forgive you? Not the person you raised, that’s for sure.”

Jenna’s words wrapped around Rachel’s heart, numbing her to the crippling pain her confession had brought on. She dried her cheeks on her shirtsleeves and gritted her teeth to keep them from chattering.

Jenna pulled her close and dropped her cheek to Rachel’s shoulder. “Do you have any idea how much I love being your sister, Rachel?”

All Rachel could do was sit there and tremble and try not to lose it. She reached across Jenna and took her other hand in hers. This was why Rachel lived as she lived, toiled over her land as determinedly as she did—because she loved her sisters and nephew so much, she’d do anything for them. All these years, she wasn’t sure Jenna had noticed how Rachel tried to watch over her and provide for her, to make up for all the many shortcomings of their parents. But Jenna had noticed after all. That acknowledgment alone was a great and powerful gift.

Jenna stood and opened her arms. “Give me a proper hug, will you?”

Rachel embraced her tightly. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to keep Mom safe,” she whispered into Jenna’s hair.

“I know you need to hear me say it, so I forgive you.”

They pulled apart, sniffling. Jenna walked to her car and ducked inside, coming out with a box of tissues and offering one to Rachel.

She thanked her and blew her nose.

“I still have some questions,” Jenna said, dabbing at the streaks of mascara under her eyes. “What ever happened with you and Vaughn? Have you two been an item all this time?”

“No. I broke it off with him after Mom’s overdose.”

Setting the tissue box on the rock, Jenna let out a halfhearted laugh. “Your idea of breaking it off with a guy must be different from mine, if half the accounts of you two running around town are true.”

Rachel rubbed her neck, wondering how to explain the complicated back and forth she and Vaughn were locked in. “I don’t know what to do about him. I can’t let him go like I should. I think about him, about being with him, all the time. Every day. But then, when I snap and give in to temptation, as soon as it’s over, all that guilt about Mom and my farm responsibilities comes rushing back at me. It’s torture.”

“Sounds like it. What’s Vaughn’s side of the story?”

She reached for a second tissue and used it to dry her eyes. “He doesn’t want a relationship with me any more than I want one with him.”

“How do you know? Has he told you as much?”

“The affair started during Vaughn’s investigation into Dad’s car accident. There was no way he should’ve been messing around with me. The accident turned out to be just that—a freak malfunction of his truck’s steering mechanism during a rainy night that Dad should’ve never been out driving in. But at the time, when the sheriff’s department was still entertaining the possibility of foul play . . .”

Jenna nodded, getting the picture. “Vaughn could’ve gotten in a whole heap of hot water for having an affair with you.”

“We had to keep it a secret for the sake of his job and the investigation. Not that I wanted anybody to know, either. Not after what happened to Mom. And now, with the shooting in Parillas Valley, if anyone found out about our history, he’d have to recuse himself from the case. So you can see why our relationship can never amount to more than a dirty little secret. We’ve been doomed from the start.” She heard the sneer in her words as certainly as she felt it tugging on her lips.

“Problem is, people in town are starting to figure it out on their own.”

“I thought we’d been more careful than that, but I was in town this morning, and I had it out with Kate Parrish when she brought Vaughn up.”