Crazy Little Thing (6 page)

Red Rover, Red Rover

It took the better part of an hour for Ollie and
G-Ray to load the luggage cart. They had to take EZ off the cart and strap her
floppy body to Ollie’s surfboard in order to move her around. Next, they loaded
the cart with their two duffel bags and Claire’s whole line of designer
luggage. Then they placed EZ on the surfboard on top of the whole thing. Ollie
plunked Oscar on the uppermost point like the star topper on a Christmas tree.

Ollie pushed the cart through the crowded lobby and
G-Ray punched the up button for the elevator. While they were waiting for the
elevator to descend, a big red dog walked up beside them and pushed the same
button about five hundred times in five seconds. It could’ve been more times,
but Ollie lost count.

Ollie looked at G-Ray and rolled her eyes. Suddenly,
the big red dog sneezed.

“Bless you,” G-Ray said.

The big red dog sneezed again. And again. And again.

“Blessyoublessyoublessyoublessyoublessyou,” G-Ray
said, frantically trying to keep up with the sneezes.

The big red dog turned and glared through his
eyeholes at Ollie. He pointed an accusing paw at Oscar. “That is a dog.”

“Yep,” Ollie said.

“I am allergic to dogs,” the big red dog said.

Ollie laughed. “That’s pretty funny. You’re a dog
and you’re allergic to dogs?”

“I don’t find it funny. My throat is swelling shut as
we speak,” the big red dog said.

“Uh huh, and I’m allergic to human skin,” Ollie said
with ultimate sarcasm. “That’s why I draped it all over myself.”

The big red dog harrumphed and turned his furry back
on her. A moment later, the elevator dinged and its doors slid open. Ollie and
the big red dog moved for the sanctuary of the elevator at the same time. They
ended up shoulder to shoulder, caught between its doors. Smooshed together they
were too wide to get through. They jostled and pushed against each other. It
became obvious that one of them was going to have to back down, but neither
wanted to admit defeat.

Oscar jumped off the rolling cart and flew to
Ollie’s rescue. He barked and growled and when that didn’t make the big red dog
back down, he went in for the kill. Oscar bit the big red dog on the ankle,
latched on with his teeth and didn’t turn loose. Not to be left out, G-Ray
grabbed the big red dog by the tail and pulled.

The big red dog was now being pushed by Ollie,
bitten by Oscar, and pulled on by G-Ray. As he flailed about he yelled, “Help!
I’m being attacked! Help!”

G-Ray dug in his heels and gave a mighty yank. There
was an ominous
Rrrrrrrip!
G-Ray fell on his butt and slid into the wall,
holding only a long red tail that wasn’t attached to anything.

The big red dog turned and snatched his tail out of
G-Ray’s hand. “How dare you! You, you, molester!”

“Dood,” G-Ray said, conveying a multitude of
emotions in that one word.

In retaliation, the big red dog reached down and
grabbed Oscar by his tail. He lifted Oscar up and began to whirl him around
like a helicopter blade.

“Oh no, you don’t!” Ollie shouted. She grabbed a
newspaper from a nearby display, rolled it up and thwacked it on Rover’s
backside, yelling, “Bad dog! Bad dog! You’re a bad dog!”

Oscar jumped out of the big red dog’s grasp and ran
away unharmed. The big red dog hunkered over and scurried away, trying
desperately to avoid Ollie’s blows. Ollie chased after the big red dog,
swatting him with the paper and saying, “Bad doggie! You mess with my baby and
I’ll send you over the Rainbow Bridge before your time! Bad doggie!”

The big red dog yelped, ran across the lobby and out
the front doors with the rip in the back of his costume flapping open like a
hospital gown, showing off his tidy-whiteys.

Ollie dropped the paper and wiped her palms
together. She looked at all the other Furry Looky-loos who were gathered around
watching the show. “Shoo!” she said. “Scat! Go home!”

Toot Suite

Claire stood in the elevator with three Furries.
They weren’t completely fur-suited. They were only wearing tails, paws and ears,
which basically meant they could be dressed up as any animal that had a tail,
four paws and two pointy ears. She couldn’t even begin to identify what species
they were. Or was it genus? She was too upset to remember.

Claire was on verge of tears; however, she refused
to cave until she reached the sanctuary of her own room. There was nothing that
she hated worse than when a woman ugly-cried in public. And doing it in front
of her three homosapien canidae would be even more embarrassing.

What had she been thinking down there? She couldn’t
believe that she threw her purse at Ollie. Why was it that she found Ollie so
damn infuriating? Or was it in
furry
iating? God, she was losing her mind.

Claire had meant that euphemistically, of course.
That is, until she opened the door to the Elvis suite. And then she knew for
sure that she had officially lost her mind. The door opening triggered the song
“Heartbreak Hotel” playing over the suite’s loudspeakers. She quickly shut the
door.

Claire opened the door again and heard, “
Well,
since my baby left me
–”

She closed the door. Silence.

She opened it. “
I’ve found a new place to dwell—
”

She closed the door. Silence.

She opened it. “
It’s down the end of lonely
street at Heartbreak Hotel
.”

This time she stepped inside the suite before
closing the door. She leaned against the wall, burst into tears and had a good,
long cry complete with snuffles and hiccups. By the time she was done, she felt
better. Only then did she look around and notice that the suite was done
exclusively in Elvis memorabilia. And not necessarily the good kind either.
There was a black velvet painting that covered the most of one wall. Elvis
glowered sexily down at her with his glow-in-the-dark eyes.

On the opposite wall behind glass cases were a gold
lame sports jacket, a pair of blue suede shoes, a pair of gold sunglasses that
had “TCB” written across the top, and an old seen-better-days guitar. Claire
toured the suite. There were two bedrooms on either side of the sunken living
room. The living room was done entirely in black and white zebra stripes. One
bedroom was decorated in cheetah print and the other was all red hearts –
heart-shaped bed, heart-shaped chairs, heart pillows, red shag carpet, red and
white striped wallpaper with itty bitty glittery hearts splattered everywhere.

It made Claire dizzy. She flopped down on the red
heart bed and put a red heart pillow over her face. She was just about to doze
off when she felt somebody sit on the edge of the bed.

“Ollie?” There was no answer. She peeked out from
under the pillow.

It was Elvis. Elvis Presley was sitting on the edge
of her bed! Claire gasped and crab-crawled backwards.

“Don’t be scared of me, little lady,” Elvis crooned
in his trademark buttery voice. “I don’t mean you no harm.”

Claire pressed herself against the heart-shaped
headboard and whimpered.

“Look at me,” Elvis said, gesturing up and down his
body. He was decked out in a white polyester jump suit with a cape thrown over
one shoulder. The jumpsuit was bedazzled in tiny jewels. “No need to be scared.
I’m fat. I’m old. If I tried any funny business you could grab that lamp with
the hearts on it and whap me over the head. You could kill me before I could do
a thing. If I wasn’t already dead, that is.”

Claire didn’t say anything. She had read somewhere
once that when an attacker was threatening you, the best thing to do was shut
up and plan an exit strategy. The shut up part was easy. The exit strategy was
proving to be harder to come up with.

“The name is Elvis Presley. And as you can see,
little lady, I’m a ghost. I died a long time ago.”

Claire nodded. She was obviously dealing with a mad
man. It would be best to not challenge his delusion. That would only enrage
him.

“I’m here to help you,” he said.

Claire opened her mouth and a very weak, “Okay,”
came out.

“I heard you cryin’ your eyes out,” Elvis said. “If
there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s when a woman cries. And my mama didn’t
raise me to ignore a woman when her heart’s a-breakin’ like that.”

“I’m okay,” Claire said.

“Uh huh,” Elvis nodded. “I figured you’d say that. I
also figured that since you chose this here room with all the hearts, that
maybe that there’s the problem.”

“What problem?”

“You got a broken heart problem, don’cha?” Elvis
said.

“No,” Claire said. “I’m in love with a wonderful
woman. My heart is finally on track.”

“Hunh,” Elvis grunted. “I once had a big, big
burning love of my own.”

“Priscilla?”

“That’s right. And I let her get away.”

 “I’m sorry,” Claire said, feeling sorry for the big
man.

“Don’t let your big love get away from you,” he
said. “Take my word for it. Don’t let her get away.”

Claire nodded. She had an uncanny feeling he wasn’t
talking about Scarlet.

“Thank you,” he said. “Thank you very much.” Then
Elvis curled his top lip in his signature grin, winked at her and was gone. It
was like he was never even there.

*

Ollie opened the door to the red heart bedroom and
saw Claire on the bed with the pillow over her face. She watched Claire for a
long moment, hoping she was asleep and not dead. No, she snored; she was
definitely alive.

Ollie quietly shut Claire’s door and walked over to
the living room. She sat down next to G-Ray on the zebra print sofa. “G-Ray, I
know you signed something that said Claire could have her own bedroom, but if
we put EZ in there with her, it’s not really breaking the terms, is it? I mean,
couldn’t EZ be thought of as baggage at this point?”

“Smart thinking,” G-Ray said. He hoisted EZ and the
surfboard across his shoulder and carried her into Claire’s bedroom. He was
back in a flash. “She hardly takes up any room at all, man.”

“Who’s going to get the other bedroom?” Ollie asked.

“Rock, paper, scissors you for it,” G-Ray said.

“You’re on.” They balled up their fists and on the
count of three flashed their signs. G-Ray had scissors; Ollie had paper.

“You win,” Ollie said. “Oscar and I will sleep on
the couch out here, but I get to use your bathroom. I need a shower big time.”

“Have at it, man,” G-Ray said. “I need to review the
footage of Oscar humping the dog and you chasing the big red dog with the
newspaper.” He plopped down on the couch and un-strapped
his helmet cam.

Ollie took Claire’s luggage, all ten suitcases, into
the heart room and piled them on the floor at end of her bed. Then she grabbed
her own duffel bag and headed to the bathroom.

*

Claire heard dinging. It sounded like her phone.
Like she was getting a text message. She opened her eyes. Wow. She hadn’t even
known she had fallen asleep. And what a weird dream she’d had. It had something
to do with Elvis. Her phone dinged again. Claire sat up and dug her phone out
of her purse.

It was a text from Scarlet: WTH?

Claire typed: WTH do you mean WTH?

Scarlet: You used my card to get a suite at Hard
Rock?

Claire: I’ll pay you back.

Scarlet: A suite?

Claire: That was all that was available.

Scarlet: Skype me.

Claire: I’m going to take a shower first.

Scarlet: NOW.

Clare sighed. She saw her luggage at the foot of her
bed and five minutes later had her computer up and running at the desk. She
opened Skype and dialed. Within seconds, Scarlet’s face appeared on the screen.
She was wearing the infamous “Scarlet Scowl.” That did not portend good things.

Scarlet didn’t even say hello before berating
Claire. “What are you doing in Tulsa? You were supposed to drive straight
through.”

“We were tired,” Claire said and yawned to prove her
point.

Scarlet squinted and leaned in closer to the
computer. “Have you been in bed?”

“Why?”

“You have bed head.”

“I took a nap.”

Scarlet smirked. “Uh huh. You’ve slept with her,
haven’t you?”

“No!”

“You have sex hair,” Scarlet accused.

“I most certainly do not.”

Suddenly, Scarlet gasped and pulled back. “Oh my
God!”

“What?” Claire asked.

“There’s a woman in your bed!” Scarlet’s long red
nail pointed to a place behind Claire.

Claire turned and looked at the bed behind her.
There
was
a woman in her bed! The woman was hidden under the covers but
those were definitely woman shaped lumps under the covers. Claire screamed. And
when she ran out of breath on that scream, she sucked in more air and screamed
again.

In a matter of seconds, her bedroom door flew open
and Ollie burst in. She was dripping wet and had only a towel wrapped around
her. “Claire! Are you all right?!”

Claire pointed at the bed with a shaky finger.
“There’s a… there’s a…”

Ollie looked at the bed. And then she laughed.
“That’s EZ. We had to stow her somewhere. G-Ray put her in your bed while you
were sleeping.” Ollie continued laughing and after a moment, Claire laughed,
too.

“Oh my God,” Claire said. “I saw Elvis and then
there was this woman-shaped lump and it was all just too weird and…”

“I know, right? This suite is crazy. Did you flush
your toilet yet?”

Claire shook her head. “Why? Is something wrong with
it?”

“When you flush, the song “Taking Care of Business”
plays. Scared the crap out of me. Literally.”

Claire laughed. Ollie sat on the edge of the bed.
Claire plopped down next to her and the more Ollie laughed, the more Claire
laughed and, God, it felt good to laugh off the tension. When their laughter
died down to sputters, Claire timidly touched Ollie’s bare knee and said, “I’m
sorry about earlier, Ollie. I really shouldn’t have thrown my purse at you.”

“It’s okay,” Ollie said. “If I were you and you were
me and I, as you, said that same stuff to you as me—”

“Wait. What? Who am I?”

“You’re me. You’re still you but you’re me.”

“And who are you?” Claire asked.

“I’m me, but as you.”

“I’m confused.”

“Let me start over,” Ollie said. “If I were you but
was still me and you were me but still essentially you…”

“Okay, got it, continue,” Claire said.

“And I were to have EZ and G-Ray —”

“Hold on, I’m lost again,” Claire said. “Who’s
G-Ray? Is he EZ?”

“No G-Ray is G-Ray and EZ is still herself, but…”
Ollie’s voice trailed off.

“What’s wrong?”

“I forgot what I was going to say,” Ollie said.

Claire laughed and Ollie laughed and they were both
themselves laughing and it felt pretty damn good to be laughing and not crying
and not fighting. Claire hiccupped and wiped the tears from her eyes for the
second time that day. Only this time it was happy tears.

“I’m really sorry about losing it earlier. I’ll try
to… from now on, I’ll try to…” Claire stumbled, trying to come up with the
right words.

“Not be such a bitch?” Ollie offered.

“Yeah,” Claire said with a chuckle. “I’ll try to not
be such a bitch.”

They looked into the other’s eyes. And for a moment,
just a teeny tiny moment, a kiss seemed inevitable. But the moment passed and
with it came the relief that it didn’t happen.

Ollie was the first to regain the powers of speech.
“So, listen, G-Ray and I are going out for drinks. Wanna join us?”

“God, yes. I could use a drink.”

“I hate to INTERRUPT this love fest,” Scarlet blared
over the computer’s speakers, “but will somebody please tell me what the hell
is going on?”

Claire jumped up like she had been caught doing
something naughty. Which, of course, she hadn’t. Unless thoughts counted, then
she was in a heap of deep.

Ollie wrapped her towel tighter around herself and
quickly walked to the door out of Scarlet’s line of sight. She opened the door
and turned back to face Claire. She mouthed silently, “Half an hour.” She made
the drinking sign, smiled and closed the door behind her.

Feeling lighter than she had all day, Claire turned
to Scarlet on the computer and smiled. Using an old tried and true diversionary
tactic, Claire said, “So tell me about your day, baby. Did you get that Botox
appointment you wanted?”

“Finally,” Scarlet cooed. “But it’s weeks away! What
is the world coming to? It seems like everybody and their dog is getting Botox.
It used to be that only the best could afford it, now it’s like the in thing
and…”