Creatures of the Earth (20 page)

Each halting speech seemed to lead in some haphazard way into the next.

‘Now that you're coming out into the world you'll have to be constantly on your guard. You'll have to be on your guard first of all against intellectual pride. That's the worst sin, the sin of Satan. And always be kind to women. Help them. Women are weak. They'll be attracted to you.' I had to smile ruefully, never having noticed much of a stampede in my direction. ‘There was this girl I left home from a dance once,' he continued. ‘And as we were getting closer to her house I noticed her growing steadily more amorous until I had to say, “None of that now, girl. It is not the proper time!” Later, when we were both old and married, she thanked me. She said I was a true gentleman.'

The short walk seemed to take a deep age, but once outside Ryan's door he took quick leave of me. ‘I won't invite you inside. Though I set poor enough of an example, I want to bring no one with me. I say to all my pupils:
Beware
of the high stool. The downward slope from the high stool is longer and steeper than from the top of Everest. God bless and guard you, young Moran. Come and see me again before you head back to the city.' And with that he left me. I stood facing the opaque glass of the door, the small print of the notice above it:
Seven Days
Licence to Sell Wine, Beer, Spirits
. How can he know what he knows and still do what he does, I say to the sudden silence before turning away.

‘Do you mean the Master'll be out on the road, then?' I asked Senator Reegan from the boat, disturbed by the turn the conversation had taken.

‘You need have no fear of that. There's a whole union behind him. Well, what do you say?'

‘I'll have to think about it.'

‘It's a very fine position for a young man like yourself starting out in life.'

‘I know it is. I'm very grateful.'

‘To hell with gratitude. Gratitude doesn't matter a damn. It's one of those moves that benefits everybody involved. You'll come to learn that there aren't many moves like that in life.'

‘I know that but I still have to think about it.'

‘Listen. Let's not close on anything this evening. Naturally you have to consider everything. Why don't you drop over to my place tomorrow night? You'll have a chance to meet my lads. And herself has been saying for a long time now that she'd like to meet you. Come about nine. Everything will be out of the way by then.'

I rowed very slowly away, just stroking the boat forward in the deadly silence of the half-darkness. I watched Reegan cross the road, climb the hill, pausing now and then among the white blobs of his Friesians. His figure stood for a while at the top of the hill where he seemed to be looking back towards the boat and water before he disappeared.

When I got back to the house everyone was asleep except a younger sister who had waited up for me. She was reading by the fire, the small black cat on her knee.

‘They've all gone to bed,' she explained. ‘Since you were on the river, they let me wait up for you. Only there's no tea. I've just found out that there's not a drop of spring water in the house.'

‘I'll go to the well, then. Otherwise someone will have to go first thing in the morning. You don't have to wait up for me.'

‘I'll wait,' she said. ‘I'll wait and make the tea when you get back.'

‘I'll be less than ten minutes.'

I walked quickly, swinging the bucket. The whole village seemed dead under a benign moon, but as I passed along the
church wall I heard voices. They came from Ryan's Bar. It was shut, the blinds down, but then I noticed cracks of yellow light along the edges of the big blue blind. They were drinking after hours. I paused to see if I could recognize any of the voices, but before I had time Charlie Ryan hissed, ‘Will you keep your voices down, will yous? At the rate you're going you'll soon have the Sergeant out of his bed,' and the voices quietened to a whisper. Afraid of being noticed in the silence, I passed on to get the bucket of spring water from the well, but the voices were in full song again by the time I returned. I let the bucket softly down in the dust and stood in the shadow of the church wall to listen. I recognized the Master's slurred voice at once, and then voices of some of the men who worked the sawmill in the wood.

‘That sixth class in 1933 was a great class, Master.' It was Johnny Connor's voice, the saw mechanic. ‘I was never much good at the Irish, but I was a terror at the maths, especially the Euclid.'

I shivered as I listened under the church wall. Nineteen thirty-three was the year before I was born.

‘You were a topper, Johnny. You were a topper at the maths,' I heard the Master's voice. It was full of authority. He seemed to have no sense at all that he was in danger.

‘Tommy Morahan that went to England was the best of us all in that class,' another voice took up, a voice I wasn't able to recognize.

‘He wasn't half as good as he imagined he was. He suffered from a swelled head,' Johnny Connor said.

‘Ye were toppers, now. Ye were all toppers,' the Master said diplomatically.

‘One thing sure is that you made a great job of us, Master. You were a powerful teacher. I remember to this day everything you told us about the Orinoco River.'

‘It was no trouble. Ye had the brains. There are people in this part of the country digging ditches who could have been engineers or doctors or judges or philosophers had they been given the opportunity. But the opportunity was lacking. That
was all that was lacking.' The Master spoke again with great authority.

‘The same again all round, Charlie,' a voice ordered. ‘And a large brandy for the Master.'

‘Still, we kept sailing, didn't we, Master? That's the main thing. We kept sailing.'

‘Ye had the brains. The people in this part of the country had powerful brains.'

‘If you had to pick one thing, Master, what would you put those brains down to?'

‘Will you hush now! The Sergeant wouldn't even have to be passing outside to hear yous. Soon he'll be hearing yous down in the barracks,' Charlie hissed.

There was a lull again in the voices in which a coin fell and seemed to roll across the floor.

‘Well, the people with the brains mostly stayed here. They had to. They had no choice. They didn't go to the cities. So the brains was passed on to the next generation. Then there's the trees. There's the water. And we're very high up here. We're practically at the source of the Shannon. If I had to pick on one thing more than another, I'd put it down to that. I'd attribute it to the high ground.'

He watched her for a long time among the women across the dancefloor in the half-light of the afternoon. She wasn't tall or beautiful, but he couldn't take his eyes away. Some of the women winced palpably and fell back as they were passed over. Others stood their ground and stared defiantly back. She seemed quietly indifferent, taking a few steps back into the thinning crowd each time she found herself isolated on the floor. When she was asked to dance, she behaved exactly the same. She flashed no smile, gave no giddy shrug of triumph to betray the tension of the wait, the redeemed vanity.

Nurses, students, actors and actresses, musicians, some prostitutes, people who worked in restaurants and newspapers, nightwatchmen, a medley of the old and very young, came to these afternoon dances. Michael Duggan came every Saturday and Sunday. He was a teacher of Latin and history in a midlands town forty miles from Dublin, and each Friday he came in on the evening bus to spend the whole weekend round the cinemas and restaurants and dancehalls of O'Connell Street. A year before he had been within a couple of months of ordination.

When he did cross to ask her to dance, she followed him with the same unconcern on to the floor as she had showed just standing there. She danced beautifully, with a strong, easy freedom. She was a nurse in the Blanchardstown Chest Hospital. She came from Kerry. Her father was a National Teacher near Killarney. She had been to these afternoon dances before, but not for a couple of years. Her name was Susan Spillane.

‘I suppose everybody asks you these questions,' he said.

‘The last one did anyhow.' She smiled. ‘You'd better tell me about yourself as well.' She had close curly black hair, an intelligent face, and there was something strange about her eyes.

‘Are your eyes two different colours?'

‘One eye is brown, the other grey. I may have got the grey eye by mistake. All the others in the house have brown eyes.'

‘They are lovely.' The dance had ended. He had let her go. It was not easy to thread a way through these inanities of speech.

A girl could often stand unnoticed a long time, and then it was enough for one man to show an interest to start a rush. When the next two dances were called, though he moved quickly each time, he was beaten to her side. The third dance was a ladies' choice, and he withdrew back into the crowd of men. She followed him into the crowd, and this time he did not let her slip away when the dance ended. It was a polite convention for women to make a show of surprise when invited for a drink, of having difficulty making up their minds, but she said at once she'd love a drink, and asked for whiskey.

‘I hardly drink at all, but I like the burnt taste,' and she sipped the small measure neat for the two hours that were left of the dance. ‘My father loves a glass of whiskey late at night. I've often sat and had a sip with him.'

They danced again and afterwards came back to the table, sipped the drinks, sat and talked, and danced again. Time raced.

‘Do you have to go on night duty tonight?' he asked as it moved near the time when the band would stand and play the anthem. He was afraid he would lose her then.

‘No. I'm on tomorrow night.'

‘Maybe you'd eat something with me this evening?'

‘I'd like that.'

There was still some daylight left when they came from the dancehall, and they turned away from it into a bar. They both had coffee. An hour later, when he knew it was dark outside, he asked awkwardly, ‘I suppose it's a bit outrageous to suggest a walk before we look for a place to eat,' his guilty smile apologizing for such a poor and plain admission of the sexual.

‘I don't see why not.' She smiled. ‘I'd like a walk.'

‘What if it's raining?' He gave them both the excuse to draw back.

‘There's only one way to find out,' she said.

It was raining very lightly, the street black and shining under the lamps, but she didn't seem to mind the rain, nor that the walk led towards the dark shabby streets west of O'Connell Street. There they found a dark doorway and embraced. She returned his kisses with the same directness and freedom with which she had danced, but people kept continually passing in the early evening dark, until they seemed to break off together to say, ‘This is useless,' and arm in arm to head back towards the light.

‘It's a pity we haven't some room or place of our own,' he said.

‘Where did you spend last night?' she asked.

‘Where I stay every weekend, a rooming house in North Earl Street, four beds to the room.'

It was no place to go. A dumb man in the next bed to his had been very nearly beaten up the night before. The men who took the last two beds had been drinking. They woke the dumb man while they fumbled for the light, and he sat up in his bed and gestured towards the partly open window as soon as the light came on. Twice he made the same upward movement with his thumb: he wanted them to try to close the window because of the cold wind blowing in. The smaller of the two men misinterpreted the gesture and with a shout fell on the man. They realized that he was dumb when he started to squeal. She didn't laugh at the story.

‘It's not hard to give the wrong signals in this world.'

‘We could go to a hotel,' she said. He was stopped dead in his tracks. ‘That's if you want to, and only – only – if I can pay half.'

‘Which hotel?'

‘Are you certain you'd want that? It doesn't matter to me.' She was looking into his face.

‘There's nothing I want more in the world, but where?' He stood between desire and fear.

‘The Clarence across the river is comfortable and fairly inexpensive.'

‘Will we see if we can get a room before we eat or afterwards?' He was clumsy with diffidence in the face of what she had proposed.

‘We might as well look now, but are you certain?'

‘I'm certain. And you?'

‘As long as you agree that I can pay half,' she said.

‘I agree.'

They sealed one another's lips and crossed the river by the Halfpenny Bridge.

‘Do you think we will have any trouble?' he asked as they drew close to the hotel.

‘We'll soon find out. I think we both look respectable enough,' and for the first time he thought he felt some nervousness in her handclasp, and it made him feel a little easier.

There was no trouble. They were given a room with a bath on the second floor.

‘I liked very much that you gave your real name,' she said when they were alone.

‘Why?'

‘It seemed more honest …'

‘It was the only name I could think of at the time,' and their nervousness found release in laughter.

The bathroom was just inside the door. The bed and bedside lamp and table were by the window, a chair and writing table in the opposite corner, two armchairs in the middle of the room. The window looked down on the night city and the river. He drew the curtains and took her in his arms.

‘Wait,' she said. ‘We've plenty of time before going out to eat.'

While she was in the bathroom he turned off the light, slipped from his clothes, and got into the bed to wait for her.

‘Why did you turn out the light?' she asked sharply when she came from the bathroom.

‘I thought you'd want it out.'

‘I want to see.'

It was not clear whether she wanted the light for the practical acts of undressing or if she wanted these preliminaries to what
is called the act of darkness to be free of all furtiveness, that they should be noted with care like the names of places passed on an important journey.

‘I'm sorry,' he said, and turned on the bedside lamp. He watched her slow, sure movements as she stepped from her clothes, how strong and confident and beautiful she was. ‘Do you still want the light on?' he asked as she came towards him.

‘No.'

‘You are beautiful.' He wanted to say that her naked beauty took his breath away, was almost hurtful.

What he had wanted so much that it had become frightening she made easy, but it was almost impossible to believe that he now rested in the still centre of what had long been a dream. After long deprivation the plain pleasures of bed and table grow sadly mystical.

‘Have you slept with anyone before?' he asked.

‘Yes, with one person.'

‘Were you in love with him?'

‘Yes.'

‘Are you still in love with him?'

‘No. Not at all.'

‘I never have.'

‘I know.'

They came again into one another's arms. There was such peace afterwards that the harsh shrieking of the gulls outside, the even swish of the traffic along the quays, was more part of that peace.

Is this all?
Common greed and restlessness rose easily to despise what was so hard come by as soon as it was gained, so luckily, so openly given. Before it had any time to grow there was the grace of dressing, of going out to eat together in the surety that they were coming back to this closed room. He felt like a young husband as he waited for her to finish dressing.

The light drizzle of the early evening had turned into a downpour by the time they came down, the hotel lobby crowded with people in raincoats, many carrying umbrellas.

‘We're guaranteed a drowning if we head out in that.'

‘We don't need to. We can eat here. The grill is open.'

It was a large, very pleasant room with light wood panelling and an open fire at its end. She picked the lamb cutlets, he the charcoaled steak, and they each had a glass of red wine.

‘This has to be split evenly as well,' she said.

‘I don't see why. I'd like to take you.'

‘That was the bargain. It must be kept.' She smiled. ‘How long have you been teaching?'

‘Less than a year. I was in Maynooth for a long time.'

‘Were you studying for the priesthood?'

‘That's what people mostly do there,' he said drily. ‘I left with only a couple of months to go. It must sound quite bad.'

‘It's better than leaving afterwards. Why did you leave?' she asked with formidable seriousness. It could not be turned aside with sarcasm or irony.

‘Because I no longer believed. I could hardly lead others to a life that I didn't believe in myself. When I entered Maynooth at eighteen I thought the whole course of my life was settled. It wasn't.'

‘There must be something,' she insisted.

‘There may well be, but I don't know what it is.'

‘Was it because you needed … to be married?'

‘No, not sex,' he said. ‘Though that's what many people think. If anything, the giving up of sex – renunciation was the word we used – gave the vocation far more force. We weren't doing anything easy. That has its own pride. We were giving up an idea of pleasure for a far greater good. That is … until belief started to go … and then all went.'

‘You don't believe in anything at all, then?' she said with a gravity that both charmed and nettled.

‘I have no talent for profundity.' He had spoken more than he had intended and was beginning to be irritated by the turn of the conversation.

‘You must believe in something?' she insisted.

‘'Tis most certain. Have not the schoolmen said it?' he quoted to tease gently, but saw she disliked the tone. ‘I believe in
honour, decency, affection, in pleasure. This, for instance, is a very good steak.'

‘You don't seem bitter.' This faint praise was harder to take than blame.

‘That would be stupid. That would be worst of all. How is the lamb?'

‘It's good, but I don't like to be fobbed off like that.'

‘I wouldn't do that. I still find it painful, that's all. I'm far too grateful to you. I think you were very brave to come here.' He started to fumble again, gently, diffidently.

‘I wasn't brave. It was what I wanted.'

‘Not many women would have the courage to propose an hotel.'

‘They might be the wise ones.'

It was her turn to want to change the direction of the conversation. A silence fell that wasn't silence. They were unsure, their minds working furiously behind the silence to find some safe way to turn.

‘That man you were in love with,' he suggested.

‘He was married. He had a son. He travelled in pharmaceuticals.'

‘That doesn't sound too good for you.'

‘It wasn't. It was a mess.'

They had taken another wrong turning.

It was still raining heavily when they came from the grill. They had one very slow drink in the hotel bar, watching the people drink and come and go before the room and night drew them.

In the morning he asked, ‘What are you doing today?'

‘I'll go back to the hospital, probably try to get some sleep. I'm on night duty at eight.'

‘We didn't get much sleep last night.'

‘No, we didn't,' she answered gently enough, but making it plain that she had no interest in the reference. ‘What are you doing?' she changed the subject.

‘There are three buses back. I'll have to get one of them.'

‘Which one?'

‘Probably the twelve o'clock, since you're going back to the hospital. When will we meet again?' he asked in a tone that already took the meeting for granted.

She was half dressed. The vague shape of her thighs shone through the pale slip as she turned towards him. ‘We can't meet again.'

‘Why not?' The casualness changed. ‘Is there something wrong?'

‘Nothing. Nothing at all. The very opposite.'

‘What's the matter, then? Why can't we meet?'

‘I was going to tell you last night and didn't. I thought it might spoil everything. After all, you were in Maynooth once. I'm joining an Order.'

‘You must be joking.'

‘I was never more serious in my life. I'm joining next Thursday … the Medical Missionaries.' She had about her that presence that had attracted him in the dancehall; she stood free of everything around her, secure in her own light.