Creatures of the Earth (8 page)

I could answer him now. I was a clockwatcher. The day hung mostly like lead, each morning a dislocation of your life in order to entice or bend the children's opposing wills to yours, and the day a concentration on this hollow grapple. It seems to be as good as anything else and easier to stay than move.

‘We'll leave the apples for a time and go on with the Shannon.'

The class drags on until the iron gate on the road sounds. A woman comes down the concrete steps.

A mother coming to complain, I think, and instinctively start to marshal the reassuring clichés. ‘The child is sensitive and when it loses that sensitivity will surprise us all. To force the child now can only cause damage. You have nothing to worry about.'

‘That was my trouble too at that age. I was too sensitive. I was never understood,' she'd reply.

‘Thank you for coming to see me.'

‘I feel less worried now.'

In the beginning everybody was sensitive and never understood, but hides hardened.

This time, no mother, a Miss Martin: she lived with her brother across the empty waste of wheat-coloured sedge and stunted birch of the Gloria Bog. Her brother made toys from used matchsticks in the winter nights.

‘I wonder if I could take young Horan from his lessons for a few minutes, sir. It's the ringworm.'

‘Luke, see Miss Martin in the porch.' The boy goes quietly out to the porch, already charmingly stolid in the acceptance of his power, Luke, magical fifth in a line of male children unbroken by girls; and while he wailed under the water of his baptism at the stone font in Cootehall church a worm was placed in his hand – either the priest didn't see or was content to ignore it – but the Horans rejoiced, their fifth infant boy would grow up with the power of healing ringworm.

On Tuesdays and on Fridays, days of the sorrowful mysteries, he touched the sores thrice in the name of the Father and Son and Holy Ghost, power of magic and religion killing the slow worm patiently circling.

‘Did you wash your hands, Luke?'

‘Yes, sir. I used the soap.'

‘Show them to me.'

‘All right. You can get on with your work.'

The last to come before lunch was the tinker, with pony and cart, the brass shining on the harness, to clean out the lavatory, and as I give him the key we make polite professional remarks about the flies and heat.

‘Ah, but not to worry, sir, I'll bury it deep.' He touches his cap.

Soon, soon, they'll come and flush him and me into the twentieth century, whatever the good that will do, and I grow ashamed of the violence of the thought, and, as if to atone, over lunch, give Mrs Maguire a quiet account of the beating young Walshe received for rifling the poorbox.

After lunch he comes, dressed all in black, with a black briefcase, the half-collar of the Christian Brother on the throat instead of the priest's full collar, a big white-haired man, who
seemed more made to follow ploughing horses than to stand in classrooms. The large hand lifts the briefcase on the table.

‘My name is Brother Mahon and Canon Reilly kindly gave me permission to speak to the senior boys about a vocation to the Irish Christian Brothers.' I wonder if he knows that I too had been once as he is now, if he looks at me as a rotten apple in the barrel; but if he does he says nothing, all glory to the power of the Lie or Silence that makes people easy in the void, all on our arses except the helping hand they give us on our way.

‘I told Canon Reilly I'd take the other children out to the playground while you spoke.'

‘Lucky to have such a fine manager as the Canon, takes a great interest in schools.'

‘Couldn't ask for a better manager,' I answer. The brick supports the brick above it. I'm a rogue and you're another. ‘I'll just take them outside now.'

‘All except the boys of the sixth class take your English book and follow me outside,' and again, because I feel watched, the voice is not my own, a ventriloquist's dummy that might at any minute fall apart.

The Brother motions the scattered boys closer to the table, ‘It'll only be just a man to man chat,' as I take the others out, to sit against the white wall of the school in the sun, facing the lake, where the tinker is putting the green sods back above the buried shit, the flies thick above the cart and grazing pony.

Through the open window the low voice drifts out into the silence of the children against the wall in the sun, and I smile as I listen. If one could only wait long enough everything would be repeated. I wonder who'll rise to the gleaming spoon and find the sharpened hooks as I did once.

‘I want you to imagine a very different lake shore to your own little lake below your school.

‘Hot sands.' His words drift out. ‘Palm trees, glittering sea, tired after fishing all the night and washing their nets. A tall dark man comes through the palms down to the water.

‘We have laboured all the night and have taken nothing, the fishermen answer. The two boats were so full of fish that they began to sink. They fall on their knees on the sand, and the tall man, for it was Jesus, lifted them up and said to them follow me. From henceforth you will catch men.

‘In this schoolroom two thousand years later I bring you the same message. Follow me and catch men. Follow me into the Irish Christian Brothers, where as teachers you will lead the little children He so loved to Christ.

‘For death comes as a thief in the night, the longest life is but a day, and when you go before the Judgement Seat can you without trembling say to Jesus I refused the call even the tired fishermen answered, and what if He refuses you as you refused Him?'

He sends them out into the porch, and brings them back one by one to interview them alone, while the tinker hands me back the key. ‘I've buried it deep, sir. There'll be no flies,' and the rise and fall of voices comes from Mrs Maguire's infant prison house,
Eena, meena, mina moo, capall, asal agus bo
.

Name, age, your father's farm? he asks, and more to silence my own memory than the low chatter of the children I force, ‘Come on now, get on with your reading,' but after they grow silent, to covertly read my real mood, the chatter grows loud again.

‘You have listened to all that I've said?' I'd been asked once too.

‘Yes, Brother,' I'd answered.

‘Do you think you could spend your life as a Christian Brother?'

‘I'm not sure, Brother.'

‘Do you think your parents would have any objection?'

‘I don't know, Brother.'

‘What do you say we go and have a little talk with them after I've seen the rest of the boys?'

It was finished then, my mother's face had lighted when he drove me home. ‘It'd be an honour to have a Christian Brother in the family.' ‘He'll get a free education too, the best there is'; and that August I was in the train with the single ticket, fear of
the unknown rooms and people. My brother inherited the bare acres in my place, and married, and with the same strength as she had driven me away he put her in a back room with the old furniture of her marriage while his new wife reigned amid the new furniture of the best rooms. Now each summer I take her to her usual small hotel at the sea, and I walk by her side on the sand saying, ‘Yes and yes and yes' to her complaints about my brother and his wife, until she tires herself into relief and changes, ‘Do you think should I go to the baths after lunch?' ‘Go to the baths, it'll do your arthritis good.'

‘I think I'll go, then.'

I want to ask her why she wanted the acres for my brother, why she pushed me away, but I don't ask. I walk by her side on the sand and echo her life with ‘Yes and yes and yes,' for it is all a wheel.

A light tap comes on the classroom window, a gesture of spread hands that he is finished, and I take the children in. Two of the boys have been set apart, with their school-bags.

‘I'm driving John and Jim to their houses. We'll talk over everything with their parents.'

‘I hope it'll be all right.'

‘We'll see that everything is made clear. Thank you for your help.'

After the shaking of hands I turn to the board but I do not want to teach.

‘Open your English books and copy page forty-one in your best handwriting.'

I stand at the window while the nibs scrape. Certainly nothing I've ever done resembles so closely the shape of my life as my leaving of the Holy Brothers. Having neither the resolution to stay on nor the courage to leave, the year before Final Vows I took to bed and refused to get up.

‘The doctor says you're in perfect health. That there's nothing the matter with you,' old Cogger, the boss, had tried to reason. ‘So why can't you get up when we are even shortstaffed in the school?'

‘I can't get up.'

‘What's wrong with you that you can't get up?'

‘Nothing.'

‘If you don't get up I have no option but to report you to General Headquarters.'

I did not get up, he had no option, and the result was an order for my dismissal, but as quietly as possible so as not to scandalize my brothers in JC or the good people of the town. Old Cogger showed me the letter. I was to get a suit of clothes, underwear, railway ticket and one pound. It revived me immediately. I told him the underwear I had would do and he raised the one pound to five.

The next hurdle was how to get my fit in clothes in a small town without causing scandal. Old Cogger dithered till the day before I had to leave, but at nightfall brought home two likely fits. I picked one, and packed it, and off we set by bus for Limerick, to all appearances two Christian Brothers going on some ordinary business, but old Cogger would come back alone. We did not speak on the way.

Behind a locked door and drawn curtains I changed in the guest room of the house in Limerick. I've wondered what happened to the black uniform I left behind, whether they gave it to another CB or burned it as they burn the clothes of the dead. Cogger showed me to the door as I left for the train but I can't remember if he wished me luck or shook hands or just shut the door on my back. I had a hat too. Yes a brown hat and a blue suit, but I didn't realize how bloody awful they looked until I met my sisters on O'Connell Bridge. They coloured with shame. Afraid to be seen walking with me they rushed me into a taxi and didn't speak until they had me safely inside the front door of the flat, when one doubled up on the sofa unable to stop laughing, and the other swore at me, ‘In the name of Jasus what possessed the Christians to sail you out into the world in a getup the like of that or you to appear in it?' Though what I remember most was the shock of
sir
when the waiter said ‘Thank you, sir,' as I paid him for the cup of tea I had on the train.

Even if the memories are bitter they still quicken the passing of time. It is the sly coughing of the children that tells me the hands have passed three.

‘All right. Put your books away and stand up.'

In a fury the books are put away and they are waiting for me on their feet.

‘Bless yourselves.'

They bless themselves and chant their gratitude for the day.

‘Don't rush the door, it's just as quick to go quietly.'

I hear their whoops of joy go down the road, and I linger over the locking up. I am always happy at this hour. It's as if the chains of the day were worth wearing to feel them drop away. I feel born again as I start to pedal towards the town. How, how, though, can a man be born again when he is old? Can he enter a second time his mother's bag of tricks? I laugh at last.

Was it not said by
Water
and the
Holy Spirit
?

Several infusions of whiskey at the Bridge Bar, contemplation of the Shannon through its windows: it rises in the Shannon Pot, it flows to the sea, there are stranger pike along its banks than in its waters, will keep this breath alive until the morning's dislocation.

There was such a strain on the silence between them after he'd eaten that it had to be broken.

‘Maybe we should never have given up the farm and come here. Even though we had no one to pass it on to,' Michael said, his head of coarse white hair leaning away from his wife as he spoke. What had happened today would never have happened if they'd stayed, he thought, and there'd be no shame; but he did not speak it.

‘Racing across hedges and ditches after cattle, is it, at our age. Cows, hens, pigs, calves, racing from light to dark on those watery fields between two lakes, up to the tips of our wellingtons in mud and water, having to run with the deeds to the bank manager after a bad year. I thought we'd gone into all this before.'

‘Well, we'd never have had to retire if we'd stayed.' What he said already sounded lame.

‘We'd be retired all right. We'd be retired all right, into the graveyard long years ago if we'd stayed. You don't know what a day this has been for me as well.' Agnes began to cry and Michael sat still in the chair as she cried.

‘After I came home from Tesco's I sorted the parcels,' she said. ‘And at ten to one I put the kippers under the grill. Michael will have just about finished his bottle of Bass and be coming out the door of the Royal, I said when I looked at the clock. Michael must have run into someone on his way back, I thought, as it went past one. And when it got to ten past I said you must have fell in with company, but I was beginning to get worried.'

‘You know I never fall in with company,' he protested irritably.

‘I always leave the Royal at ten to, never a minute more nor less.'

‘I didn't know what way to turn when it got to half past, I was that paralysed with worry, and then I said I'll wait five minutes to see, and five minutes, and another five minutes, and I wasn't able to move with worry, and then it was nearly a quarter past two. I couldn't stand it. And then I said I'll go down to the Royal. And I'll never know why I didn't think of it before.

‘Denis and Joan were just beginning to lock up when I got to the Royal. “What is it, Agnes?” Denis said. “Have you seen Michael?” I asked. “No.” Denis shook his head. “He hasn't been in at all today. We were wondering if he was all right. It's the first time he's not showed up for his bottle of Bass since he had that flu last winter.” “He's not showed up for his lunch either and he's always on the dot. What can have happened to him?” I started to cry.

‘Joan made me sit down. Dennis put a brandy with a drop of port in it into my hand. After I'd taken a sip he said, “When did you last see Michael?” I told him how we went to Tesco's, and how I thought you'd gone for your bottle of Bass, and how I put on the kippers, and how you never showed up. Joan took out a glass of beer and sat with me while Denis got on the phone. “Don't worry, Agnes,” Joan said, “Denis is finding out about Michael.” And when Denis got off the phone he said, “He's not in any of the hospitals and the police haven't got him so he must be all right. Don't rush the brandy. As soon as you finish we'll hop in the car. He must be nearhand.”

‘We drove all round the park but you weren't on any of the benches. “What'll we do now?” I said. “Before we do anything we'll take a quick scout round the streets,” Denis said, and as soon as we went through the lights before Tesco's he said, “Isn't that Michael over there with the shopping bag?”

‘And there you were, with the empty shopping bag in front

of Tesco's window. “Oh my God,” I said, “Michael will kill me. I must have forgot to collect him when I came out of Tesco's,” and then Denis blew the horn, and you saw us, and came over.'

Every morning since he retired, except when he was down with that winter flu, Michael walked with Agnes to Tesco's, and it brought him the feeling of long ago when he walked round the lake with his mother, potholes and stones of the lane, the boat shapes at intervals in the long lake wall to allow the carts to pass one another when they met, the oilcloth shopping bag he carried for her in a glow of chattering as he walked in the shelter of her shadow. Now it was Agnes who chattered as they walked to Tesco's, and he'd no longer to listen, any response to her bead of talk had long become nothing but an irritation to her; and so he walked safely in the shelter of those dead days, drawing closer to the farm between the lakes that they had lost.

When they reached Tesco's he did not go in. The brands and bright lights troubled him, and as she made all the purchases he had no function within anyhow. So on dry days he stayed outside with the empty shopping bag if it wasn't too cold. When the weather was miserable he waited for her just inside the door beside the off-licence counter. When he first began to come with her after retiring, the off-licence assistants used to bother him by asking if they could help. As he said, ‘No thanks,' he wanted to tell them that he never drank in the house. Only at Christmas did they have drink in the house and that was for other people, if they came. The last bottles were now three Christmases old, for people no longer visited them at Christmas, which was far more convenient. They went round to the Royal as usual Christmas Day. Denis still kept Sunday hours on Christmas Day. Though it was only the new assistants in the off-licence who ever noticed him on bad days now, he still preferred to wait for her outside with the shopping bag against the Special Offers pasted in the glass. By that time he would have already reached the farm between the lakes while walking with her, and was ready for work.

The farm that they lost when they came to London he'd won back almost completely since he retired. He'd been dismayed when he retired as caretaker of the Sir John Cass School to find how much the farm had run down in the years he'd been
a school caretaker. Drains were choked. The fields were full of rushes. The garden had gone wild, and the hedges were invading the fields. But he was too old a hand to rush at things. Each day he set himself a single task. The stone wall was his pride, perhaps because it was the beginning. There were no limits before the wall was built. Everything looked impossible. A hundred hands seemed needed. But after the wall was built he cleared the weeds and bushes that had overgrown the front garden, cut away the egg bushes from the choked whitethorns, pruned the whitethorns so that they thickened. Now between wall and whitethorn hedge the front garden ran, and he'd gone out from there, task by single task.

This morning as he walked with Agnes he decided to clear the drinking pool which was dry after the long spell of good weather. First he shovelled the dark earth of rotted leaves and cowshit out on the bank. Then he paved the sides with heavy stones so that the cattle would not plough in as they drank and he cleared the weeds from the small stream that fed it. When he followed the stream to the boundary hedge he found water blocked there. He released it and then leaned on his shovel in the simple pleasure of watching water flow. For all that time he was unaware of the shopping bag, but when all the water flowed down towards the pool he felt it again by his side. He wondered what was keeping Agnes. He'd never finished such a long job before outside Tesco's. Usually he'd counted himself lucky if he was through with such a job by the time he'd finished his bottle of Bass in the Royal by ten to one.

The drain was now empty and clean. All the water had flowed down to the pool. He'd go to the field garden. The withered bean and pea stalks needed pulling up and the earth turned. A wren or robin sang in the thorns, faithful still in the bare days. He opened the wooden gate into the garden, enclosed on three sides by its natural thorn hedges, and two strands of barbed wire ran on posts to keep the cattle out on the fourth. Each year he pushed the barbed wire farther out, and soon, one of these years, the whole field would be a garden, completely enclosed
by its own whitethorns. He pulled up the withered bean and pea stalks with the thorn branches that had served as stakes and threw them in a heap for burning. Then he began to turn the soil. The black and white bean flower had been his favourite, its fragrance carried on the wind through the thorns into the meadow, drawing the bees from the clover. Agnes could keep all her roses in the front garden … and then he felt himself leaning over the fork with tiredness though he hadn't half the ridge turned. He was too weak to work. It must be late and why had she not called him to his meal? He stuck the fork in the ground and in exasperation went over to the barbed wire. The strands were loose. A small alder shoot sprouted from one of the posts. He walked up the potato furrows, the dried stalks dead and grey in the ridges. This year he must move the pit to higher ground. Last winter the rats had come up from the lake – but why had she not called him? Had she no care? Was she so utterly selfish?

He turned and stared in the window, but the avenues of shelves were too long and the lights blinding. It was in this impotent rage that he heard the horn blow. Denis was there and Agnes was in the car. He went towards them with the empty shopping bag. They both got out of the car.

‘Why did you leave me?' he asked angrily.

‘Oh don't be mad at me, Michael. I must have forgot when I came out.'

‘What time is it now?'

‘Five after three, Michael.' Denis was smiling. ‘You've missed your bottle of Bass, but hop in and I'll run you home.'

It wouldn't have happened if we'd kept the farm. At least on the farm we'd be away from people, he thought obstinately as he put the food aside that he should have eaten hours before. He flushed like a child with shame as he heard again, ‘Five after three, Michael. You've missed your bottle of Bass, but hop in and I'll run you home,' and thought that's how it goes, you go on as usual every day, and then something happens, and you
make a mistake, and you're caught. It was Agnes who at last broke this impossible silence.

‘I can see that you're tired out. Why don't you lie down for a turn?' she said, and began to clear the plates.

‘Maybe I will lie down, then,' he yielded.

He slept lightly and restlessly. Only a fraction of what was happening surfaced in his dream. A herd of panting cattle was driven past him on a dirt road by a man wheeling a bicycle, their mouths slavering in the heat. Agnes passed by holding breadcrumbs in her apron. A white car came round the lake. As it turned at the gate a child got out and came towards him with a telegram. He was fumbling in his pocket for coins to give to the child when he was woken by Agnes.

‘We'll be late getting to the Royal if you don't get up now,' she was saying.

‘What time is it?'

When she told him the time, he knew they should be leaving in twenty minutes.

‘I don't know if I want to go out tonight.'

‘Of course you'll go out tonight. There's nothing wrong with you, is there?'

When she said that he knew he had to go. He rose and washed, changed into his suit, combed his coarse white hair, and at exactly twenty to nine, as on every evening of their lives, they were closing the 37B door in Ainsworth Road behind them.

All the saloon regulars looked unusually happy and bright as they greeted the old couple in the Royal, and when Michael proffered the coins for the Guinness and pint of Bass, Denis pushed them away. ‘They're on the house tonight, Michael. You have to make up for that missed bottle of Bass tonight.'

Blindly he carried the drinks towards Agnes at the table. When he turned and sat and faced the room with his raised glass the whole saloon rang with, ‘Cheers, Agnes. Cheers, Michael.'

‘You see it was all in your mind, Michael. Everybody's the same as usual. Even happier,' Agnes said afterwards in the quiet of the click of billiard balls coming from the Public Bar.

‘Maybe. Maybe, Agnes.' Michael drank.

All the people were elated too on the small farms around the lakes for weeks after Fraser Woods had tried to hang himself from a branch of an apple tree in his garden, the unconcealed excitement in their voices as they said, ‘Isn't it terrible what happened to poor Fraser?' and the lust on their faces as they waited for their excitement to be mirrored.

‘We'll go early to Tesco's in the morning. And then you can come down for your bottle of Bass. And it'll be the same as if nothing ever happened. What was it anyhow?' Agnes said, warmed by the Guinness.

‘I suppose it was just a slip-up,' Michael answered as he sipped slowly at his pint, trying to put off the time when he'd have to go up to the counter for their next round.