Crimson and Clover (23 page)

“Stop it,” Katie scolded. “It isn’t good for you to get worked up about it. Besides, I already know, okay?”

Eyes wide with shock, Maureen stared at her. “You know? He told you?”

“No.” Katie shook her head. “But when he’s called, he’s … .I don’t know how to explain it, but he’s different. He’s harder, quieter. Just different. I’ve heard the same rumors you have and what I hear in his voice just confirms them. This girl, whoever she is,” Katie held up the magazine. “She’s not the first one he’s fucked and she’s not likely to be the last.”

“How do you stand it, Katie?”

Katie bit her lip, searching for words. “It’s just part of who he is, Maur. I’ve always known about it and I deal with it.”

Maureen shook her head. “It doesn’t bother you?”

“Sure, it bothers me. But not enough to make a federal case out of it.” She sighed. “Look, I guess it’s because I know he’ll never leave me for one of them. Those girls, they’re just objects to him; things he uses and tosses aside like tissues. They don’t have enough brain cells to form a complete thought. The only thing they use their heads for is a place to rest their ankles. No, I don’t worry about them. It’s me he loves.”

“Well, he’s got a damn funny way of showing it!” Maureen’s eyes filled with fresh tears. “They all do!”

“I think it’s because … well, I think they’re bored.”

“Bored!” Maureen looked at Katie as if she’d lost her mind.

“Hasn’t Nicky said anything to you about what it’s like? How things are?” Katie shook her head. “Jay told me he doesn’t know where he is half the time because they’re not allowed to get out of the hotel or the arena. I mean, they have hotel suites and stuff, but they can’t go out to get a hamburger or go to a record shop or anything without a crowd forming. And it’s not all fans, Maureen. Some of those people following them would like nothing better than to hurt them.” She furrowed her brow, trying to find the words to explain what she meant.

“Do you remember that time we were all talking about fantasies? I mean, I know most of us were toasted, but … Anyway, I seem to remember we all thought it didn’t have to end with thinking about it, right? Even you said so.”

“That was a long time ago!” Maureen’s mercurial temper kicked in and her eyes went from sorrowful to snapping with fire in the space of a heartbeat. “And like you said, we were high. I don’t think anyone was really serious about it.”

“I was,” Katie said quietly.

Maureen looked startled. “Did you … ?”

“No.” Katie shook her head. “Jay never really came out and said it, but I know he didn’t dig the thought of me with someone else, even if he was there, too. So I made sure to let him know he was the one I really wanted. But,” She held up a finger. “If I’d really, really wanted it, he’d have agreed. Because it’s just a fantasy come to life, nothing serious. Kind of like playtime. To me, that’s what Jay’s doing on the road, bringing some fantasies to life. That’s all.”

“That doesn’t excuse him, Katie. I can’t believe you’re defending that!”

“I’m not defending it, exactly. It’s just that they’re stir crazy and these … what did you call them? Tarts? They’ll do anything the boys tell them to do. Anything, no matter how out there it is. So they end up used as a tool to play out the guys’ fantasies, something to break the monotony. Then the band moves on to the next anonymous city and forgets all about them because there’s a new bunch of tarts to perform for them. That’s all.”

Tears slid down Maureen’s cheeks as her temper faded and she grasped Katie’s hand. “I can’t bear it, I just can’t. I keep imagining him with different girls and it drives me mad. I wonder what he — what he says to them, how he touches them, what he feels when … ”

“Stop it!” Katie’s voice was harsh. “You really will drive yourself mad if you keep that up. You have the baby to think of, Maureen, and it needs a strong mother. You can deal with Nicky any way you think is best for the two of you, but you cannot let yourself fall to pieces like this anymore!” She brandished the magazine. “And you’ve got to stop reading this trash.” She stalked across the room and dropped the offending publication into the rubbish bin. “Besides, maybe Nicky is playing Parcheesi with Walter and the road crew and not doing any of the terrible things you think.”

Maureen wiped her cheeks. “Do you think he is?”

Katie threw her hands wide. “I don’t know. Like you said, less than half of what you hear is true. Maybe none of it pertains to Nicky and he’s not doing anything like that.”

Sniffling, Maureen reached for the teapot on the coffee table and poured a cup for each of them before taking several deep breaths. “But you know Jay is.”

Katie sat down again with a sigh. “And Jay is not Nicky. In fact, when he’s on the road he’s not even Jay.” She nodded at Maureen’s skeptical look. “Believe me. You haven’t heard him and I have. But forget Jay. You need to get your mind off these stories and rumors and concentrate on something else, like these clothes.”

“You’re right.” Maureen took a deep breath. “I think we’re onto something with these maternity clothes. They could be really big.”

“I think they could.” Katie enfolded her friend in a hug. “Look, sweetie, I’m not going to tell you to forget it, because I know you can’t. But I am going to tell you that Nicky loves you like crazy. That’s what you need to focus on and not all that other stupid shit.”

Maureen returned the hug. “I’m going to try.” She drew back and touched Katie’s cheek in a soft caress. “And you do the same.”

“I already do.” She smiled, but knew no matter how many times she said it she’d never be able to make her friend understand that no matter what happened when they were apart, she loved Jay just the way he was. And if she kept telling herself that enough, maybe someday she’d really believe it.

Jay Carey paced the room, his eyes on the girl as she followed his orders to disrobe. His body thrummed with the energy that had built up onstage earlier that evening, an energy that made him feel like he was connected to a high voltage electric wire, a beast intent on devouring him unless he could satiate it. Every night it built higher and higher, increasing with every note he played until he left the stage dripping with sweat and stumbling with exhaustion, but so keyed up he thought he might explode. Drugs didn’t help; he’d tried them all and they did nothing but disorient him. Sex didn’t help, not really, but at least that release would quiet the beast enough so he could get some rest.

The girl was trying to be sexy as she unbuttoned her blouse, but he wasn’t interested in sexy. He just wanted to get laid and maybe catch a couple hours of sleep before the band had to leave. With her short blonde hair and deep tan, she wasn’t his type at all, but you took what you could get with groupies. Besides, choosing a girl who
was
his type for these meaningless encounters was something he’d never do. Ever.

Impatient, he pinned the girl with a stern look. “Hurry it up a bit, hm?”

She giggled, a nervous, high-pitched sound, but hurried to comply. Her laughter grated on Jay’s ears, but he nodded, giving her a tight-lipped smile. There was no need for him to be mean to her. She was there to perform a service and she was doing the best she could. He
could
be mean, if he wanted to; he’d gotten very good at the whole domination thing and found it amazing the number of girls who begged him to rough them up. But not tonight; he wasn’t in the mood for it. Though the release he got from it was phenomenal, it took too much effort and he didn’t feel like bothering with it.

He repressed a sigh of dissatisfaction as the blouse came off; no, she really wasn’t his type at all. Much too big up top for his taste, but there was no rule that said he had to look at her. He circled behind her and watched as her short red skirt fell to the floor. Jay closed his eyes and ran his hands up the outside of her thighs, thinking of nothing but the feel of skin on skin. He could hear the beast roaring to hurry, needing some kind of release before he was consumed. He felt the girl lean against him and her voice broke through the turmoil in his head.

“You want me to undress you now?”

The honeyed cadence of her accent acted on him like a bucket of ice water and his eyes popped open. His hands stilled their motion, no longer feeling the touch of her skin. “What I want you to do,” Jay said, his voice quiet, but firm, “is get dressed and leave.” The beast growled with surprise, but tonight it wasn’t going to be fed.

An expression of disappointment and hurt clouded the girl’s face as she turned to face him. “Did I do something wrong?”

Jay wanted to yell at her to stop talking, but he swallowed the harsh words, knowing it wasn’t her fault. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong. But you have to leave. Now,” he added, seeing her open her mouth to protest. If she spoke again, he didn’t know what he might do, but he didn’t want to find out.

In blessed silence, she dressed a hell of a lot quicker than she’d undressed, and Jay escorted her to the door. Putting his hand on her back, he all but shoved her into the hall. Hands shaking, he locked the door and put it on the chain. He leaned against the cool wood, resisting the urge to smash his head against it. The unreleased energy was still racing through him, but there was nothing he could do about it now. Damn the girl with her Southern accent, anyway.

When she’d spoken, he’d thought of Katie, remembering the way she spoke with that same slow, soft rhythm, the vowels rich as melted chocolate. He thought of her face, her hair, her body; and he knew the groupie would have to go. No matter how badly his body needed release, he wouldn’t take it with someone else while thinking of Katie. There was no way he’d disrespect her like that.

Pushing himself away from the door, he resumed his pacing. Katie was aware of what he did when he was on the road. She wasn’t stupid. In fact, she was the least stupid person he’d ever known. That was why his groupies, in addition to looking nothing like Katie, were the most empty-headed girls he could find. He didn’t want them to think, or to talk, or to make him laugh. They were only there to relieve his pent-up energy, nothing more.

Fists clenched, he came to a halt next to the bed. He expected the top of his head to fly off at any moment. He had to … had to … He had to hear Katie’s voice. The minute he’d thought of her voice in his ear, he felt the beast begin to settle and the urge to rend and tear fled.

He sat on the edge of the bed and picked up the phone. The front desk answered with quick efficiency and he asked to be put through to the overseas operator. He didn’t know what time it was, but it had to be very late. Consequently, it would be very early in London, but it was imperative he hear her voice.

After an interval that seemed like days, the burr of a ringing phone sounded in his ear. He lit a cigarette as he counted the rings — one, two, three, four. The fifth was cut off in mid-ring and a sleepy voice came down the line. “H’lo?”

More of his tension fled at the sound and he sighed in relief. “I would give anything I own to be there with you right now.”

“I’d give anything I own to have you here.” Katie’s voice was full of sleep, but there was surprise there, too. “Good grief, baby, what time is it? Is everything all right?”

“Everything’s fine,” he assured her. “We had a great show tonight. In fact, it was one of the best we’ve played. But we’re in Mobile, Alabama and hearing the way they talk made me crazy to hear your voice.” Jay took a deep drag off his cigarette. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

“I’m not.” The sound of rustling bedclothes came through the phone and he smiled, imagining her rearranging the pillows. “Call me anytime you want. I love hearing your voice.”

Jay smiled and closed his eyes. “And I love hearing yours. So tell me, what have you been doing?” As she told him all the things she’d done to the house and about the innovative new designs Maureen had come up with, he could picture the beast curling up into a small ball. No one but Katie could comfort him, make him feel calm in the storm that raged around him. Although he was filled with longing to see her, to feel her in his arms, at least he could hear her and know that everything would be okay. He crushed his cigarette in the ashtray. “I can’t wait to see it all. A couple more days, and I’ll be home.”

“I know, I’m counting them. I mean that literally, too.” The soft sound of her laughter tickled his ear. “I have a calendar and I mark them off every night.”

Jay chuckled. “If I had a calendar, I’d do the same thing.”

“You sound tired. Are you sleeping okay?”

“No,” he admitted. “But I think I can sleep now. I love you, Katie.”

“I love you, too.”

Smiling, Jay hung up the phone, the peace he’d been craving flowing through him. Without bothering to undress, he lay down, switched off the lamp and pulling the pillow into his arms closed his eyes.

• • •

“We’ll not be going home on Thursday, lads.”

Grumbling met Walter’s announcement as Shadowed Knight expressed their irritation. Each member of the band took the opportunity to berate their manager for adding yet one more show to their schedule, postponing again their return to London. Each member, that is, except Jay. He alone remained silent, and it was evident Walter was aware of it from the way his eyes kept darting to the corner in which Jay sat.

After doing what he could to placate the band and quiet their complaints, nothing of which was very effective, Walter watched as Stuart, George, Nicky and Adam stomped from the room.

Jay noted with wry amusement that Walter made a big show of straightening the rumpled bedclothes, acting as if he didn’t realize Jay was still there. He kept his eyes pinned to the manager’s wiry form knowing Walter’s nervousness increased with every moment Jay remained silent. Finally, as he knew it would, it became too much for Walter and he faced Jay with a huge, fake smile. “Jay! I didn’t see you there.” His smile faltered a bit at Jay’s continued silence. “I don’t think that went too badly, do you?”

“I’m not doing it.” Jay forestalled any comment with nothing more than a lift of his eyebrows. “I’ve told you I dislike your adding dates without consulting us beforehand. And I’ve told you to stop doing it. You, though, seem to have a problem with following orders and now you’re going to have to pay for it. I’m not playing that extra date.” Having delivered his ultimatum, Jay rose from his chair, but Walter’s next words froze him in place.