Critical Failures II (Caverns and Creatures Book 2) (6 page)

“Our group is terrible at that,” said Dave.

“Your confusing chatter pains my ears,” said Jorn. “What can be done for that poor dog?”

The four of them approached the animal. It looked to have three paws in the grave. The only signs it gave that it hadn’t crossed over already were a spasm every now and again and some labored, shallow breathing.

“I don’t think there’s much we can do,” said Tim. He pulled back a bolt on his crossbow until it clicked. “I can make it quick and easy at least.” He looked to Tony the Elf, who nodded his solemn approval.

“Nonsense,” said Dave. “I can fix this.” He knelt down next to the dog.

“No!” said Tony the Elf. “Stop!”

“I heal thee,” said Dave, stroking the matted fur on the dog’s head. “How’s that feel, little guy?”

“Oh no,” said Tony the Elf. “What have you done?” The distress in his voice seemed disproportional to whatever ill effects healing a stray dog might have.

The dog shivered and convulsed like a vibrating shag pillow. It let out a sharp bark and rose to its feet. Shaking its fur dry, it speckled Tim, Dave, and Jorn with black, liquid street filth. Tony the Elf was spared the worst of it, as he was slowly backing away. It was as if Dave had just opened a portal to Hell.

If this dog had eyes, it was a miracle that it could see through the curtain of hair that hung over them. It sniffed the air, barked loudly, wagged its knobby tail, and looked right at the still-retreating Tony the Elf.

“Shit,” said Tony. He stopped backing away, the panic on his face replaced with helpless resignation.

The dog bolted toward Tony the Elf like he was made out of bacon. Tim raised his crossbow to fire.

Tony the Elf’s eyes went wide. “No!” He tore one of the machetes off of his back and hurled it at Tim. Thankfully, it only managed to fuck up his weapon rather than sever his arm.

“What the fuck, man!”

The dog leapt into Tony’s arms and covered his face in slobber.

“Sorry,” said Tony the Elf. “I couldn’t let you shoot my dog.”

“I thought it was attacking you!”

“Dude,” said Dave. “It’s just a sheepdog. What could it have done to him?”

“I don’t know,” said Tim, still fiery mad from having just been attacked. “Maybe it was an
evil
sheepdog or something.”

“Evil sheepdog?” asked Jorn. “Are you in your right mind, boy?”

“All I know is that Tony was backing away, looking at it like it was an ex-wife out on parole early, and it was running at him.”

“That is kind of strange,” Dave admitted. “Why were you freaking out so bad over a sheepdog?”

Tony the Elf scratched the dog on its head. “It’s not just a sheepdog now. It’s my Animal Companion.”

“What?” said Tim. “How?”

“Rangers get Animal Companions at Level 4, which I just made yesterday while out boar hunting. I was going to go into the woods tomorrow and try to find something a little more badass. Maybe a wolf or an eagle or something. I wasn’t exactly looking for a stray dog.”

“Um…” said Dave. “Sorry?”

Jorn wore a broad, hairy grin. “What are you going to name him?”

“I don’t know,” said Tony the Elf. “I’ll have to think about it, but right now I’m leaning toward ‘Dave’.”

They made it the rest of the way to the Piss Bucket Tavern without incident. The tavern was quiet when they reached it, with only the tiniest hint of candlelight flickering in the windows. Ravenus flew out of the darkness and perched on the tavern sign.

Tony the Elf addressed the rest of his party. “Shut up.” He pushed the door open.

“We’re closed!” bellowed the minotaur over the sound of a broom sweeping broken glass across a rough wooden floor.

“Morty. It’s me, Tony the Elf.”

The tinkling and sweeping stopped, and a massive set of hooved feet stomped across the floor toward them. Dave took a step back.

“Tony,” said the minotaur, opening the door wider. He looked down at Dave the Dog. “Cute dog.”

“Thanks,” said Tony the Elf.

“What brings you here at this time of night?” It snorted at Tim and Dave. “I see you’ve become acquainted with my latest set of cast offs.”

“Well see, that’s the thing,” said Tony the Elf. “You didn’t send the full set.”

“Speak plainly, elf. It’s been a long night.”

“If you recall,” said Dave. “I asked you to send over a girl.”

“And so I did. She’s right next to you. I wish you a wonderful life together.”

“You sent the wrong girl,” said Tim.

The minotaur snorted. “Well that
is
awkward.”

“It’s not like that,” said Tim. “My sister is missing.”

“Well she hasn’t been in here.”

“I haven’t even told you what she looks like yet.”

“Listen, kid,” the beast’s patience was straining in its voice. “There haven’t been any halfling women in here tonight.”

“She’s not a halfling. She’s a half-elf.”

“She’s a what?” said Jorn.

The minotaur closed his eyes, took some deep breaths, and opened them again. “Tony, I know that you know better than to come over here at this time of night and – how do you folks put it – fuck with me?”

“Of course I know that, Morty,” said Tony the Elf. “Just like you know better than to ask questions about things that don’t make a whole lot of sense as far as our people are concerned.”

The minotaur nodded his giant horned head. “Well played, sir. I know that well.”

“Is this one of those cultural differences you were talking about?” asked Jorn.

“Absolutely,” said Tony the Elf.

“Her name is Katherine. She was sitting at the bar,” said Tim. “She was with a human Bard and a wolf named Butter-something. Butterbits… Buttermilk… Bread n’ Butter…”

The minotaur swallowed and lowered his eyes. “I don’t recall seeing anyone of that description.” He started to close the door.

“Butterbean!” shouted Tim.

A sharp bark broke the silence from within the tavern. The minotaur lowered his head and allowed the door to swing open. Butterbean padded out past him and licked Tim’s face. Tim hugged the wolf around its neck and scratched behind its ears. He looked ecstatic… until he suddenly didn’t.

“Wait a second,” said Tim. “Where the hell is my sister, you hairy bast—”

Tony the Elf punched him in the gut, taking the wind out of him. He gave Tim a few seconds to breathe. “Feeling better, big guy?”

Tim nodded.

Tony the Elf stood up. “I think what my friend was trying to suggest is that you haven’t been one hundred percent straightforward with us.”

“Look,” said the minotaur. “That’s why I don’t let you people in my tavern. I don’t want the kind of trouble that you always tend to bring with you. All I can tell you is that she left a while ago with her bard friend and some other guy. They left some of their shit behind. Hang on a second and I’ll go get it.” He returned a minute later and set two backpacks on the ground at Tim’s feet.

“You just let some stranger drag my sister out of here?” asked Tim.

“Nobody was dragging anybody. She looked happy enough. Now thanks for picking up the dog. Don’t let me catch you around here again.” The minotaur slammed the door shut.

“This is bullshit,” said Tim. “She never would have left Butterbean behind. He’s her Animal Companion.”

“So what are you going to do?” asked Tony the Elf. “Bust in there and beat the truth out of him? He’s three times as tall as you are, and probably weighs twenty times what you do.”

“Surely the four of us together could put up a –”

“Get that thought out of your head right now. That’s how you get killed in this place.”

“But my –”

“Even if I was willing to risk my life – and let me be absolutely one hundred percent crystal fucking clear on this – I am not, that would make three of us. Not four. The dwarf girl isn’t one of us. Remember? I’ll go out on a limb and assume she’s not suicidally insane. And just in case you didn’t notice, that’s not some furry orc wearing a Viking helmet in there. It’s a fucking minotaur. If you go through that door, you will not return.”

“Your point is taken,” said Tim. “Got any suggestions?”

“Do they keep their tubes in there?” Tony the Elf glanced down at the two backpacks.

“Their what?”

“Their character sheets.”

Tim’s eyes went as wide as tennis balls, and he dropped to his knees and started digging through a bag. He frantically unscrewed a scroll case and uncurled the paper. “Fuck, this is Chaz.” He quickly discarded it and tore through the other bag.

Dave picked up Chaz’s character sheet. “Well, at least Chaz is doing okay. He’s still got a couple of temporary points missing from his constitution, but his HP is full.”

“Oh, thank God,” said Tim, holding up the other sheet. “Katherine’s still at full hit points.”

Tony the Elf let out a long, satisfied sigh and smiled. Tim jumped up and hugged him.

“What the hell is going on?” Jorn asked Dave. “What are you guys so happy about? What about his sister?”

“This is another one of those cultural differences.”

Tony the Elf allowed Tim to continue hugging him for a short time, and then gently removed his arms from around his leg and his head from his crotch.

“The girl and her friend are okay for now. I suggest we head back to the Whore’s Head. We’ll set up a rotation to keep a watch on the character sheets. But we are going to need some rest before we organize any sort of search for them.”

Tim wiped a tear from the corner of his eye and nodded.

“Can we walk you somewhere?” Dave asked Jorn.

“No, thank you. I don’t live far from here.”

“I hope you’ll come back and visit me at the Whore’s Head sometime.”

“You can count on it,” said Jorn. “Just for the sake of morbid curiosity.”

Chapter 6

Cooper lit up a cigarette he had bummed from Frank. Julian sat to his left. Across the table from them, Stuart, Frank, and Rhonda sat like a panel of judges. Rhonda made a show of waving the cigarette smoke out of her face.

“We’re gonna be together for a while,” said Frank. “We might as well get to know each other. Tell me something about yourselves. What did you do back home?”

“We deliver pizzas for Papa Joe’s,” said Julian. “It’s a local place.”

Frank nodded. “So you all work together?”

“No,” said Julian. “Just me and Cooper.”

“Pizza delivery, huh?” said Frank. “So, what are you, working your way through college?”

“Yes, sir,” said Julian.

Frank laughed. “You don’t have to call me sir. This isn’t an interrogation. We’re just talking. So what school do you go to?”

“Virginia College.”

“I thought you guys were from Mississippi.”

“It’s a chain school,” said Julian. “They have a campus in Gulfport.”

“You a college boy, too, Goliath?”

“I dropped out of college,” said Cooper. He looked down at his beer. “Eleven years ago.” He wished Julian hadn’t brought up the pizza thing. It was all well and good for Julian. That’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re in college. But when you’re thirty…

“And you’re still delivering pizza,” said Rhonda. “Your ambition inspires me.”

“And your many chins inspire me.”

Rhonda pointed a pudgy finger in Cooper’s face. “I’m warning you, you –”

Frank put his hand on Rhonda’s and lowered it to the table. “Take it easy, you two.” He smiled at Cooper. “So tell me. Is pizza delivery all I’ve been led to believe it is, or have the pornos all been lying to me this whole time?”

“Huh?” said Cooper.

“You ever make a delivery to a lonely housewife looking for some
extra sausage
?”

“Ha!” said Cooper. “No, nothing like that. Most of our clientele are fat and ugly anyway. Completely unfuckable. No offense, Rhonda.”

Rhonda stood up so fast that her stool tipped over. She began muttering to herself and her fist glowed with a bright white light. Julian scooted half a foot to the left.

“Hey hey,” said Frank. “None of that. He said ‘No offense’.”

“Seriously?” said Rhonda.

“Cut him some slack. He’s stupid.”

“That’s true,” said Cooper in his own defense. “I am.”

The light went out from Rhonda’s fist. She wagged a finger back and forth between Frank and Cooper. “There’s only so much of this I’m going to take.” She stomped off toward the corner where Stuart’s wife and two elf women were playing a card game.

Cooper helped himself to the unfinished portion of the beer Rhonda had left behind as he watched her go. “Her ass looks like two hippos on a see-saw.”

Frank smiled and shook his head. “You are a piece of work, my friend. But don’t underestimate Rhonda. She’s a very capable wizardess.”

“Thanks for the warning,” said Cooper. “But I don’t think I could ever be afraid of someone wearing a muumuu.”

“It wasn’t a warning,” said Frank. The smile was gone from his face, as was the mirth from his voice. He leaned in close. “Because she isn’t your enemy. There’s a big dangerous world out there that we don’t belong to. Our only hope of survival is to stand alongside one another. Rhonda is someone you’re going to want on your side.”

“I understand,” said Cooper, meekly.

Frank narrowed his eyes and nodded at Cooper. “Good. Because what I’m about to say
is
a warning, so listen carefully. I don’t care if you two fight verbally until you’re blue in the face. Hell, that’s entertainment as far as I’m concerned. But I’ll not tolerate violence between two of our own. We’ve had to throw people out of here before. Now I like you. You make me laugh and feel like an intellectual giant. But if you ever lay one of those big meat-fists on one of my people, I will kick your ugly ass to the curb. Are we of an understanding?”

“We are.”

Frank’s face relaxed as he sat back in his chair. “Good. Now tell me more about –”

“They’re back!” shouted a dwarf manning the front entrance. He opened the door just in time for Tony the Elf to hurry through, followed by Tim, Dave, Katherine’s wolf, and Ravenus. Noticeably absent were Dave’s she-dwarf friend, the bard dude, and Katherine.

Cooper stood up. “Where’s Katherine?” he asked Tim.

“We don’t know,” said Tim. “But wherever she is, she’s all right for now.”

“How do you know that?” asked Julian.

“We have her character sheet.” He held up a scroll tube.

Frank stood up on his table and clapped his hands twice. “All right everyone. That’s enough excitement for one night. It’s back to work in the morning. Assignments will be changed slightly, so check in before you check out. Lights out in five.”

Everyone stood up like a bunch of worker ants, removing glasses and wiping tables, moving tables and stools up against the walls of the room, spreading out bedrolls on the floor. It was choreographed as if they were all part of one organic machine. Within minutes the room was transformed from a pub to something that looked like kindergarten nap time.

“Work?” asked Cooper.

“Sure,” said Frank, hopping down onto his stool, then onto the floor. “We’ve got to make a living just like anyone. And if we ever hope to get magicked out of this place, it’s probably gonna cost some serious coin. Naturally, I’ll allow Frodo to take a partner and go search for his sister, but the rest of you are gonna have to find some way to make yourselves useful. Did any of you spend any skill points on a profession?”

Tim, Dave, Cooper, and Julian looked at one another in uncomfortable silence.

“Of course not,” said Frank. “Nobody ever does. That’s okay. We’ve come up with some alternative ways of making money.” He pointed up at Cooper. “You’ll be perfect for werewolf duty.”

“You know I’m only level two, right?”

“Ha! Trust me, big guy. Now you fellas get some sleep.”

“What’s that for?” asked Julian, pointing to a corner of the room that hadn’t been cleared of tables and stools.

“That’s for you, friend,” said Frank.

“For me?”

“It’s for the elves. You guys don’t sleep. You just zone out for a couple of hours. So that’s a place for you guys to hang out while the rest of us sleep. It works out well for everyone. You guys don’t get bored, and we don’t have to worry about keeping watch. Just don’t all zone out at the same time, and try to keep the chatter to a reasonable volume.”

Julian nodded his head. “Impressive. I could get used to this place.”

“Don’t,” said Tim. “We’re going to find Katherine, and then find a way home.” He held up Katherine’s character sheet. “Would you and the other elves mind keeping an eye on this?”

Julian took the paper. “Sure thing.”

“Wake me up if there’s any change in her condition.”

“You got it.”