Cross My Heart (17 page)

"The hell it's not," Paul said, and slammed his champagne
glass down on the table. "Dinah was a beautiful woman, both physically
and spiritually. I liked her—everybody who knew her
did—and no one felt sorrier for Clint than I when she walked
out on him. It shattered him. I can accept that and even understand it,
but dammit, it's been four years. He can't grieve forever. She's not
worth it."

Elyse dropped back into the chair. "But… but
you said you liked her," she said in a puzzled tone.

Paul sighed. "I did like her, but the truth is she just
didn't love Clint enough."

Elyse grimaced. "How can you say that?"

"Easy. She knew how crazy he was about her. If she'd loved
him as much as she insisted she did, she wouldn't have let anything
come between them."

Elyse relaxed a little. That thought had occurred to her,
too, but she'd pushed it aside, unwilling to judge the woman Clint
loved so deeply.

Paul continued. "I realize that seeing her husband gunned
down was an extremely traumatic experience, but it had been several
years and she'd spent part of them in therapy. She should have come to
terms with his death."

Liz was trying to shush Paul, but Elyse put up her hand.
"No, Liz, it's all right. I want to hear what he has to say."

She looked again at Paul. "You're an intelligent man.
Surely you'll agree that some people are stronger emotionally than
others."

"Sure, but Dinah was a strong woman. She wasn't still
grieving for her husband. She was afraid of the remote possibility that
since Clint was a politician he might someday be the target of another
assassin." Paul snorted. "Hell, the chances were a lot better that he'd
be hit by a car or drown while swimming. She was manufacturing problems
that didn't exist."

It was Liz who spoke next. "Look, you two," she said as
she sat up a little straighter in Paul's arms, "you aren't doing Clint
any favor by trying to analyze his feelings or Dinah's. That's
something only the two people involved can know for sure. But, Elyse,
Paul's right when he said you were partly responsible for my decision
to marry him. I finally woke up to the fact that none of us knows what
the future holds, so we'd better make the most of the present."

She snorted self-deprecatingly. "In a sense I've been
guilty of the same sin as Dinah Jefferson, the sin of letting myself be
paralyzed by an unreasonable fear of something that will probably never
happen. I was afraid Paul might someday fall in love with a younger
woman. In effect, I haven't trusted him to know his own mind."

She turned and kissed him tenderly on the mouth. "That's
insulting, darling, and I'm truly sorry."

She turned again to look at Elyse. "After watching you
wander around all week like the ghost of your usual joyful self, I
decided to live my life in the present and let the future take care of
itself. Paul and I might have to work a little harder to make our
marriage a success, but if every couple did that the divorce rate
surely would be lower."

Liz looked away and toyed with her glass during a few
moments of silence, then spoke again, still not looking directly at her
sister. "We have a favor to ask of you, Elyse."

Elyse was puzzled by Liz's apparent evasiveness. "Surely
you know I'll do anything I can for you."

Liz sighed. "I hope so. We want you and Clint to go to the
lake with us and be our witness."

Elyse gasped and shook her head, but Liz continued. "I
know it's asking a lot of you, but you're all the family I've got, and
I want you at my wedding."

Elyse felt as though she'd been punched. "Oh,
Liz—"

"No, now wait, hear me out. Clint is the only member of
Paul's family who's available on such short notice, and we both want
loved ones with us at such a special time."

"I can't. I just can't." Elyse could hear the note of
panic in her voice.

Liz got up and crossed the floor to kneel in front of her.
"Look, honey, I don't want to add to your unhappiness, but Clint is
going to be my brother-in-law from now on. You can't avoid him
completely."

She took Elyse's cold hands between her warm ones. "Please
do this for me. You're not only my baby sister, but you're practically
my daughter as well. I raised you. I was as much of a mother to you as
Mom was before she died, and afterward you were my total
responsibility. You're my sister, my daughter and my best friend all
rolled into one package, and I can't envision getting married without
you present."

Elyse's body shook with silent sobs as love for her sister
welled in her. She slid off her chair and put her arms around Liz while
they knelt together on the floor and wept with nostalgia for the past,
joy and sadness for the present and hope for the future. Paul sat
quietly on the sofa, but his eyes were also misty.

After a while Liz asked for a handkerchief, which Paul
handed her. Then she put her hand under Elyse's chin and lifted her
face. She wiped her sister's streaming eyes and put the linen cloth to
her nose. "Now blow," she ordered.

Elyse giggled. "Yes, Mama," she said, and blew.

The tension was broken, and both women got up off the
floor and went back to their seats.

Elyse swiped at her wet cheeks with the backs of her hands
and smiled. "So what time are we leaving for the lake Sunday morning?"

Paul answered while Liz dried her own eyes and face. "We
thought if we left here by eight we could have breakfast when we got up
there. That will give us plenty of time to get a license, find a
wedding chapel that meets with our approval and take care of any other
arrangements you ladies feel are indispensable."

"Have you talked to Clint?" Elyse asked apprehensively.

"No," Paul said. "We haven't seen him yet. I'm hoping to
catch up with him tonight to make arrangements for Liz and me to get
together with him tomorrow. He's been out of town, but I think he was
due back today."

So Clint had been gone. He'd probably been too busy to
give her a thought. Elyse wished she'd had something to do this past
week that would have taken her mind off him.

"What makes you so sure he'll be willing to go if I'm
along?" she asked.

Paul looked surprised. "He'll jump at the chance. Maybe he
doesn't love you, Elyse, although I'm far from convinced of that, but
you're very special to him. He wouldn't have asked you to marry him if
you weren't. He's as miserable as you are with this situation."

Elyse made circles with her finger on the arm of the
chair. "Yes, I guess he does care for me in his own way. He asked if
I'd be his friend."

Paul ran his hand over his hair. "The man's an idiot," he
snapped. "But why don't you give it a try? He's bound to come to his
senses before long."

Elyse shook her head sadly. "No, I'm not going to hang
around hoping for something that will never happen. Liz is right,
though. If we're going to be related it would be awkward if I
constantly tried to avoid him."

On Monday Paul and Liz spent the evening with Clint and
reported back to Elyse that he was delighted about their marriage plans
and had even cancelled another engagement so as to be free to go to
Lake Tahoe with them on Saturday. Elyse was torn between her desire to
see Clint and dread of the pain it would cause her.

After school on Tuesday Liz and Elyse left Janey with her
favorite baby-sitter and drove into Sacramento to shop for wedding
clothes. Liz chose an oyster linen suit with a midcalf-length full
skirt and a mauve silk blouse, while Elyse, after a diligent search,
found a linen coat dress in a matching shade of mauve. It buttoned off
center to the left with big black buttons and featured a gently flaring
skirt and short sleeves.

Afterward they met Paul for dinner at the Bull Market, an
elegant restaurant in downtown Sacramento. As they lingered over
dessert and coffee Paul made a suggestion. "Elyse, you've never seen my
apartment." He looked at his watch. "It's early yet—only
eight-thirty. Why don't we take a run over there? After all, it's where
Liz and I will be living, at least for a while, and it's only a few
blocks away."

"That's a good idea," Liz exclaimed enthusiastically
before Elyse could answer. "Besides, last time I was there I left the
only bottle of my favorite perfume behind and I'd like to get it."

Paul lived in one of the high-rise apartment buildings on
Capitol Mall, with a view of the state capitol to the east and the
Sacramento River to the west. They parked in the underground lot and
took the elevator to the twelfth floor. Paul unlocked the door and
stood aside to let Liz and Elyse enter.

Walking into the small entryway, Elyse noticed there was a
light on in the room beyond. She covered the few steps to the arched
doorway and gasped.

Coming toward her from across the luxurious living room
was Clint!

He was wearing a dark business suit, and he stopped
directly in front of her. His gaze roamed slowly over her, then
returned to her face. "Hello, sweetheart," he said softly.

The floor seemed to rock under her feet, but she quickly
regained her composure. "Clint," she said with only a hint of a quiver.
"Paul and Liz didn't tell me you'd be here." She looked around, but the
entryway was empty. "Where are they?"

"They've left," he said, then hurried to add when he saw
her dismay, "but you're not being held prisoner. I'll take you home
anytime you want me to. I hope you'll stay and listen to what I have to
say though."

I'll kill that sneaky matchmaking sister of mine
!
Elyse thought as rage and humiliation warred for dominance.
First
she insists Clint and I go to Tahoe with them, and now she's lured us
here to talk. How can Liz be so insensitive? He must be just as
uncomfortable as I am
.

Elyse was determined to be friendly but
distant—and to get out of there as quickly as possible.

She stepped around him and walked over to the wall of
windows. "So how are you, Clint? I understand you've been out of town."
Good, her voice sounded firm and a little detached.

"I've been thoroughly miserable," he said from directly
behind her, "and tearing around all over the state, making speeches in
favor of gun control, didn't help. I was too sick—"

Startled, she turned and found herself standing chest to
chest with him. "Oh, Clint, I didn't realize you'd been ill. Paul
didn't tell me."

Her tone was anything but cool and detached. Now that she
thought about it, he did look pale and drawn, but she'd been too
shocked at finding him here to notice.

His arms went around her then and pulled her against him.
Dimly she remembered she mustn't let him do that, but it felt so good
that she couldn't resist. She buried her face in his shoulder and he
rubbed his cheek in her hair. "Not in the physical sense," he said. "I
was going to say I was sick with remorse. When you walked out of my
house nine days ago you took all my hard won peace of mind and left
only desolation and pain."

She raised her head and looked at him, her face mirroring
her surprise. "I find that hard to believe," she said.

He lowered his head and kissed the tip of her nose,
sending pinpricks down her spine. "Why? Don't you know how much I've
come to depend on your warmth? The sweetness of your smile? The
tenderness of your touch?"

His arms tightened to draw her even closer. "No," he said
sadly, "of course you don't. I never bothered to tell you, did I? I
wouldn't even admit it to myself."

"I was so sure I'd never love again, so anxious not to.
I'd had about all the punishment I could take in the name of love. I
was too smart ever to let myself be that vulnerable a second time."

He nuzzled the side of her throat. "I was so busy
protecting myself from love that I didn't even notice when quietly and
without fanfare, you stole my patched-up heart."

Elyse melted against him, but her mind screamed at her to
wait, to find out what he was talking about before she surrendered to
her rampant desire to believe everything he said without question.

Just what did he want of her? If he still yearned for
Dinah, then why did he miss Elyse when she refused to continue their
relationship? Was she just a warm body to him, or did he really care
for her?

It took all her willpower, but she pushed him away and
stepped back. "I don't understand, Clint. If you wanted to talk to me,
why didn't you come to see me, or call and ask me to meet you
somewhere? Why this elaborate deception to get me here?"

Clint sighed and shoved his hands into his pockets. "I was
terrified you'd refuse to see or listen to me. That's why I enlisted
Paul and Liz's help in arranging a meeting with you. I was desperate."

She couldn't misunderstand the earnest plea in his words.
Her gaze searched his worried face. "I thought we'd said everything
there was to say on Sunday."

He shook his head. "We didn't even touch on the subject of
you and me on Sunday," he said. "Elyse, you're one of the most
empathetic women I've ever known. You must have understood how
difficult it was for me to dredge up all those painful memories. It
took me a long time to put them behind me and get on with my life, and
bringing them up and examining them again was a harrowing experience.
It left me literally wiped out."

Her heart constricted as she remembered how totally spent
he'd looked after telling her the story of his love for Dinah
Jefferson. Elyse felt she'd already caused him so much anguish. She
didn't want to torture him any further, but there didn't seem to be any
way to avoid it.

"Of course I understood, Clint. That's why I left. I'd
already put you through enough. I wasn't going to make you admit you're
still in love with Dinah."

He took her arm, and together they walked to the sofa and
sat down before he spoke again. "But that's what we have to talk
about," he said gently, "and we would have done it sooner if I hadn't
had to go out of town on that speaking tour. I didn't call because this
is something that has to be done in person. Also I needed time to get
my thoughts in order."