Crossing the Lines (8 page)

“Almost five years ago. I was a year out of school, shy of twenty-five. MBA fresh in my hand. Working in insurance. Financial stuff. Suit and tie.”

The idea baffled her. Kayaking instructor, sure. Camp counselor, absolutely. Fitness coach, no doubt. But financier? Jay?

“I hated it. Really hated it. But I didn’t want to fuck up a job my brother got for me. So I worked these crazy hours with no way to blow off steam. The company had a whole pack of us guys. Full of ourselves, all swagger and stupidity. Don’t say it, I know, I haven’t changed much.”

Not even close. Sweet swagger, maybe. Loveable goofiness, but never stupidity.

“Anyway, I started hanging with them after work. Bars. Strip clubs. Private parties. Hotel rooms. I met this guy. Cal.”

The nervous discomfort in his voice, the flat way he said the man’s name, suggested the word should never be uttered, least of all in Henry’s bed, their safe place. Unless Jay only felt safe enough to talk about it here.

“The first time I saw him, he, umm, he…everybody in the room was watching him.”

She curled closer to Henry, raising her head onto his thigh. Jay lay half buried, tucked against his other side.

“Be honest, my boy.” Henry smoothed her hair from her face. “I don’t believe you’ll shock Alice.”

“I’m listening, Jay.” She made her voice quiet, easy. “To whatever you want to tell me.”

Henry kept his hand in constant motion, slow strokes along Jay’s spine as Jay described the scene. Disapproval didn’t show in his movement, but the tightness at the corners of his mouth gave it away. Not of Jay—of the party. Of the presence of drugs and alcohol.

She’d never been served more than half a glass of wine on any contract night with them. Henry never drank more than that, either. Wits, sensation, response times—he wouldn’t want any of them dulled while they played.

“There were maybe fifteen, twenty people. Cal, he put on a show. He, umm, had a woman tied up. Hog-tied, you know? Arms and legs behind her all roped together. Teasing her. Denying her until she begged, and then he…he pushed her knees wide and fucked her. She looked crazy-happy about it. Me and half the other guys in the room jacked off watching.”

He sounded apologetic, like he regretted the experience, and she responded with lightness. “Henry’s right so far. You haven’t shocked me yet. I like to watch you jack off.”

“It’s ’cause I have such a beautiful cock.” Trying for his arrogant charm voice, he fell far short.

Henry ruffled Jay’s hair. “You do, my boy, but you also have a penchant for going off topic.”

“Right.” Jay took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I saw him again later, same guy, in an armchair talking finance. He had this naked guy sucking his cock. That’s when I knew. I didn’t want to be Cal, throwing my weight around and making people obey me. I wanted to be the guy curled up against his leg. The one who got to please him.”

“Okay.” Curled up like he was now beside Henry, more or less. Easy to relate to that desire. “You wanted to play submissive games.”

“Yeah. I didn’t know the name. But my buddy from work, the one that brought me to the party, he sees me watching Cal and says I should try this club he goes to. A social club, he called it. His uncle had gotten him a membership. He says I’d be amazed at what some people would do for a pat on the head because they’re so desperate for approval.”

“He mocked them? For being submissives?” She fought the urge to pull the name from Jay’s lips, find the asshole friend and deliver belated justice on Jay’s behalf. Knocking his teeth out might satisfy her.

“I guess he thought I wanted to
be
Cal and not, you know, not like the ones pleasing him.”

“A dominant who disrespects the gifts his submissives provide shouldn’t be playing games with them.” Henry’s quiet tone made her certain he’d said the same to Jay many times. “Trust is a privilege.”

“I know now. I do. I just learned the hard way.”

“Someone broke your trust.” Forcing Jay to talk about something that still bothered him, even if it had happened almost five years ago, smacked of kicking a puppy.

“Yeah. I was a complete novice. Hadn’t done my homework. My buddy said Cal belonged to this club, so I agreed to go.” He laughed, a pained bark.

“My buddy wasn’t a Henry. I didn’t have a Henry then. He set us up in a room with a couple of girls. Said they’d do anything we wanted. Half a minute, and I knew I didn’t want to tell my girl what to do. I wanted her to tell me.” Jay lifted his head onto Henry’s thigh and rolled his eyes at his foolishness. Stupidity, he might’ve called it.

“I ask her what
she
wants, and she says she wants to please me. I didn’t have the slightest clue. I had her pick a flavored condom from the basket and blow me. Simple, right? But it was, I mean, she could tell.” He half shrugged, drawing lines with his finger on Henry’s skin.

“If Henry treated us as indifferently and incompetently as I treated that girl, we wouldn’t keep coming back for more, you know? So when it’s over, she says something like ‘You sure you wouldn’t rather wear one of these?’ and she tugs this green ribbon on her shoulder strap.”

Jay closed his eyes. “I confessed I had no idea what she meant, because my buddy had handled the arrangements, and she got all horrified. She says, ‘You don’t even understand the rules? Your friend is an idiot.’ I think she felt bad for me. Said I wasn’t a top, and I should ask at the desk about getting a ribbon like hers. My buddy had gotten me a guest pass. He would’ve sponsored me if I wanted to join as a dominant. So I did pretty much the stupidest fucking thing a person can do.”

“Jay, you’re not that boy anymore.” Henry’s chide carried no more sting than the feathers. “You know better now. Your friend ought to have taken responsibility for you. To have dropped you naked in a new playground…”

Jay nodded and opened his eyes. “I know, Henry. You’ve said. And I believe you. I do. I just…” He stared at her as if willing her to understand. “I came into the club the next weekend when my buddy was on an out-of-town account, ’cause I didn’t want him to see me being…submissive. I asked for a green ribbon, sure I was up for anything. Got offers for all sorts of things.”

He grinned. “Turned out I had a real knack for sucking cock. Who knew?”

She laughed because he wanted her to, but her stomach flipped. His eyes wouldn’t focus on hers. He’d hit the verge of whatever had made him safeword so often. Maybe she didn’t want the image of Jay in pain in her head. Maybe Henry was wrong and she couldn’t handle it.

“I had a blast for about three months. Or thought I did.” He frowned, rolling his head. “I loved pleasing anyone who asked. Hardly ever turned anyone down. Then I finally saw the guy from the hotel. Cal. I went right up to him and waited to speak to him. We played a few times. It was good. I thought he…I thought we’d clicked. I stopped saying yes to other offers. I trusted him. But it was—I was…”

Henry smoothed Jay’s hair and rubbed his neck and shoulders. “Take your time, sweet boy. Only as much as you’re comfortable sharing, hmm?”

Jay took another deep breath. “It got out of control. With…with a whip. I was tied, I couldn’t… There was nowhere to go. I was, umm, bleeding, and it hurt, and I, I used my safeword for the first time. But he didn’t stop.”

She slammed her teeth together to stop a shocked gasp from escaping. Not that Jay would notice anyway. His gaze went past her, or through her, or into his own head. If reality came anywhere near what she pictured, she didn’t envy him the memory of it.

“I thought maybe he hadn’t heard me. But then it was…I knew he wouldn’t stop until
he
wanted to. I was, umm, crying, and shouting, I think, and he…” Jay cried silent tears, no sobs.

She ached to reach across Henry and touch Jay’s face, but she feared his flinch. Her touch might be unwanted while these memories dominated him.

He cleared his throat. “That’s when I met Henry. Heard his voice first.”

She understood in an instant. “He stopped things.”

“Yeah. I could’ve…it might’ve been bad. Really bad, I mean, if Henry hadn’t insisted Cal stop. I got pretty fucked up. But that didn’t—I was still healing when I went back the next week.”

A breach of trust that had to have felt like a rape, whether it had been or not, and he’d gone straight back for more. Jesus Christ. Poor Jay.

“I was a pathetic mess. Physically, emotionally, whatever. Everybody saw it. Nobody would touch me.”

“They were right not to, my boy.” Henry rested his hand against the muscle sloping up toward Jay’s neck. “What you needed wasn’t something they could give you in a single night.”

“I couldn’t help myself, though. I practically begged for someone to let me please them.” He’d hated himself. His voice bled raw contempt. He squeezed his eyes half-closed, and his lips curled like he’d smelled something foul. “It was disgusting. I was—”

“No.” Henry wasn’t to be contradicted. “You were neither pathetic nor disgusting, Jay. You were in need, yes, but the urge you have to please others, to seek their approval, is not wrong, my sweet boy. It’s simply
you
. And you didn’t know what to do with it because no one had taught you. That’s all it was.”

Doubt hung in the lines of Jay’s face. Henry loved him and wanted him to feel good about himself. But Henry had such a dominant voice. Jay probably couldn’t imagine Henry begging for anything. She sure as hell couldn’t.

No matter how much Jay wanted to believe Henry, he’d never believe Henry understood his desperation. How much he’d hated himself for being weak. For not being the kind of guy who’d take whatever power submissive partners gave him and mock them behind their backs for it. The kind of man like Cal, who could beat Jay until he bled and call it a good time.

Until he’d met Henry, Jay would’ve wondered, wouldn’t he? If those people he’d been having a good time pleasing praised him to his face and mocked him when he’d gone. If they were supposed to.

Henry could tell Jay—probably had told Jay—a million times that men like Cal and Jay’s coworker were the wrong and disgusting and pathetic ones. Didn’t matter. Jay’d only remember how they’d made him feel about himself. Victimized by the echoes of their cruelty.

“Do you…” Faltering, she grounded herself in the supporting presence of Henry’s hand splayed wide across the center of her back. “Do you think I’m disgusting, Jay?”

“No!” Jay’s gaze, wide and horrified, darted to hers. “Never—Alice, I’d never—”

“Twenty minutes ago, I begged Henry to flog me harder.” She pushed herself to say the rest, to ignore her sister’s voice in her head, because she refused to be ashamed of this, dammit. But, Jesus, if the struggle taxed her resolve when her sister didn’t mean to make her feel bad, how much harder did Jay work to ignore those voices? “I wanted it, Jay. Hell, I can’t even tell you how many times I came tonight because of it.”

He jerked as if she’d hit him. “That’s different. He’s
Henry
. He wouldn’t hurt you. I would’ve followed anyone.”

Fine. He wouldn’t believe it was the same thing, not now, but maybe she’d plant a seed. “Yeah? And less than five minutes after the first time you told me you and Henry wanted to fuck me, I let him bend me over a table and strip my underwear off and fuck me like I was the appetizer. And
I liked it
. If he’d told me to, I would’ve gotten on my knees and sucked him off afterward. I’m not ashamed of it.”

Christ, she’d gotten loud. Henry rubbed her back.

Calm. Calm for Jay. “This guy, this Cal, you looked up to him and he took advantage of that to hurt you. He’s the one who oughta be ashamed, but he won’t be, because people like him never are.” She stretched across Henry, touched Jay’s fingers, sought a loose clasp when he didn’t avoid her.

“You’re not any more pathetic or disgusting than I am. You’re playful and sweet and giving. You just needed the right person. The one who’d respect those things about you.”

Jay stared at their entwined fingers and smiled. “Henry was the only person to approach me all night.”

By design. She’d lay money on it. Henry answered her glance with a brief nod. He might’ve stood between Jay and potential partners like a guard dog for hours.

“He came right up and asked me to sub for him for the rest of the night. I said yes without even thinking. Without asking what he wanted from me. Even with what had happened, I just, I
needed
.” Jay shook his head.

“Cal liked whips?” She couldn’t snap her fingers and give Jay his self-worth back. He’d talk himself back into feeling ashamed if she let him. The feeling would be waiting for the next time he felt insecure.