Crusade Across Worlds (43 page)

Clarence?

Silence.

Clarence…please.

I force myself to take his hand. It’s soft
and leathery. And colder than I remember. I squeeze it and stare at
him, waiting again. Waiting for something. Anything. Waiting for
this pain to go away, waiting for him to come back, to rewind and
start over. I know none of that will happen so I stand here and
keep watching, keep waiting for something—for anything—to make this
better.

***

I’m on the ground at the head of Clarence’s
slab.

At some point I couldn’t stand anymore but I
didn’t want to leave him. So I’ve been sitting here, trying to
fight off sleep and welcome it. Except for the last hour. I’ve been
awake for the last hour, my eyes burning and my brain refusing to
turn off. Because if I don’t fall asleep, I can’t wake up to find
out he’s gone. It’s better to just stay awake and let it numb me
out.

“How long have you been here?”

Reid stands in the entrance, concern etched
into his face.

I shrug and look back to Clarence.

Reid walks into the room and pauses next to
both bodies. Then he takes a seat next to me against the wall. For
a couple of minutes, it’s silent. There’s nothing to say so we
don’t say anything at all. We just listen to the quiet together.
This is what I need. Reid understands. Somehow, he always does.

“It’s not your fault,” he says quietly.

Of course it’s my fault. I could have
stopped all of this—I should have—but I didn’t. I wasn’t strong
enough. “Yes it is.”

“How?”

“I abandoned Hozfin. I could’ve helped
Joth—”

“No,” he places his hands on my face, making
sure I understand him. “There’s nothing you could’ve done for
either of them. You saved the rest of us. Repeatedly. None of this
is your fault, okay? Don’t ever think that.”

“But Clarence—”

“Did what he had to do. Don’t put that on
yourself.”

“Reid,” the tears build again, threatening
to cascade, “he died because
I
was too slow.
I
couldn’t protect him!”

“You’re not meant to,” his consoling eyes
flickering between mine. “Fallon, you may be special, but you’re
not responsible for everything. It’s not on your shoulders to win
this war.”

But it is, Reid.

And I failed.

Tears gush down my face and he pulls me
close to him. I’m crying into his chest while he runs a smoothing
hand up and down my back, whispering words of comfort. At some
point I slow to a stop. My eyes hurt again. They’re raw with salt
and emotion and I’m exhausted…so exhausted from everything in the
last forty-eight hours. But I don’t sleep. I can’t. My brain won’t
let me drift off to anywhere other than flashbacks of the day
before. Watching Zinnollo burn. Finding Jothkore’s lifeless
body.

Seeing the light leave Clarence’s eyes.

The morning must have come because bodies
move in and out of the servants’ quarter, pausing between the slabs
that hold both Arizals. No one approaches me. They must know
better. Or Reid is shaking his head to halt their approach. I feel
it move every once in a while but don’t bother looking up to see
why. It doesn’t matter. It’s not like I can muster words to speak
to anyone. I just don’t have them in me.

At one point, someone offers a bowl of
Jiji—the pink mush similar to rice—but I stare at it with
disinterest. Reid shakes his head and the bowl disappears. I know I
should move. Eat. Do
something
. I just can’t. Not yet. I
want to sit here, stare at the floor and be left alone. But I know
that won’t happen for much longer.

And it doesn’t.

“Fallon,” Sampson calls as my eyelids start
to flutter closed. “The Healers are ready for you now.”

I lift my head from Reid’s chest. The Fychu
looks like he’s been up all night too, bags ballooning under his
blue eyes and extra wrinkles pulling at their corners; it’s the
oldest I’ve ever seen Sampson look. And the weariest. I glance from
him to Reid, who watches me with uncertainty. “What time is
it?”

“Around lunch time.”

I look back to Sampson. “I’m fine.”

“They need to address your wounds.”

I hold a hand to my neck, barely aware of
the stinging. “It’s—”

Reid presses his lips to my ear. “You don’t
want it to get infected. Just let the Healers look at it.
Please.”

The soft pleading in his voice undoes me.
He’s right. I should probably have my neck, hand and shoulder
looked at. Or bandaged at least. Besides, my body hurts from
sitting in this position and I know it can’t be comfortable for
Reid either. I start to shift and a hand reaches out to help
me.

It’s Able.

He pulls me to my feet with a friendly
smile. I do my best to offer one in return. “Go get cleaned up,
bestie. I’ll keep Boss company until you get back.”

With a final glance over my shoulder at
Clarence, I follow Sampson from the room, my feet moving on
automatic. I really don’t feel like getting looked at right now,
but the sooner I can get it done, the sooner I’ll be back by
Clarence’s side. And then…

…I don’t know.

It’s quiet as we move through the Foreign
Headquarters. Fewer bodies occupy the space and most are the
tunic-wearing guards that share in the mournfulness clinging to the
moment. I try not to think of them, of all they’ve lost in the
recent weeks or about Perio, who still threatens domination over
the kingdom. It’s too much to take in at once, so I walk where
Sampson walks, following blindly as he leads me to the place where
I was treated after the Gorgen nearly crushed me, when the Healers
had to withdraw all that black-tar poison.

Without being prompted, I climb up on the
slab and watch my feet dangle over the side. Sampson leaves just as
three mayans arrive.

“Fallon,” one makes her way over. She has
soft blue hair that falls in waves over her shoulders and a
friendly smile that is vaguely familiar. “I am not sure if you
remember me, but my name is Hillay. I treated you for the Gorgen
poison.”

I nod.

“Would you lay back for me please?”

“I just need my neck and shoulder bandaged.
And my hand,” I hold it up.

“And they shall be. But we need to do a full
body examination to assure you are not seriously injured
elsewhere.”

Lying back, I close my eyes and let them do
their thing. Something soft touches my neck, and then my shoulder
and hand, and then a cool liquid is applied. It feels good but does
nothing to numb the other ache, the one that lingers on. Because
when I shut my eyes, all I see is Clarence. In his final moment,
when I could still see recognition in him. When he still knew who I
was.

“All right,” Hillay steps back. “We are all
done.”

I sit up. My bandaged hand flies to my neck
and then my shoulder. A long, white gauze is adhered to all three
sections of skin and the pain is already abating. “Thank you.”

“Your wounds look well,” she says. “They
should heal fine. And do not worry, there are no complications with
the baby as far as I can determine.”

I nod.

Wait—

Baby?

I frown at Hilly. “What baby?”

She blinks, confused.

And that’s when I understand. My heart
stops. And then speeds up again, pounding away furiously in my
shaking body. All thoughts and questions crash into one another,
the air thinning around me with the life-changing realization.

I’m pregnant.

“From your reaction…I am sensing this is
news to you?”

I have no words to give her, let alone a
coherent thought. I sort of manage a nod but I’m not thinking about
Hillay. I’m not thinking about anything except what’s inside me,
about what Reid and I made. I want to ask how, but I already know
the answer. And the when…well…it was any of the three times we
celebrated my homecoming, which would’ve put the consummation from
two weeks to two days ago and that means I’m extremely early into
this pregnancy. It’s likely the size of a seed. Probably smaller.
Human doctors wouldn’t be able to detect so soon, but these are
Mybyncian Healers.

“I assume the father is also unaware?”

Again, I manage a nod. Reid has no idea he’s
about to become a father. Our child’s father. When do I tell him?
How
do I tell him? The idea sends a ripple of nerves through
my system, jolting me into a panic of short breaths.

Suddenly, I can’t breathe.

“Quickly!” Hillay calls. “She is losing
color.”

Someone touches my face and then I’m being
laid back, all thoughts centered on what I’m carrying inside me.
Something cool lands on my chest and then everything goes dark.

“Hey there,” Reid whispers. He strokes the
side of my face with his thumb. “You waking up now, baby?”

I don’t remember falling asleep. But I must
have because I’m in the circular bed where I ended up last night,
before I couldn’t take staring at the ceiling anymore and left to
find Clarence. And that’s the last thing I remember: Clarence
propped up on a slab in the dark next to Jothkore. Tears build
behind my eyes but I refuse to let them resurface. I’ve cried
enough for a lifetime and it’s not like it’ll bring either of them
back. But there was something else that happened...something
important that I was supposed to remember, something that made me
forget about Clarence’s death for a few minutes.

What was it?

I sit up. Bringing a palm to my forehead, I
try to piece together the missing information. “What happened?”

“You passed out. Honestly,” Reid says in all
seriousness, “you needed the rest. So it was good.”

“What time is it?” I rub my eye with the
heel of my hand.

“Late. Everyone’s eating dinner.”

Food is the last thing I want. I don’t even
think I could get it down if I tried. Too many images of Larupip
and Clarence swim in my mind. Especially that last moment. I see
myself waiting for the final blow, anticipating the fatal sting and
being confused when it didn’t come. And then hearing that terrible
thud beside me. I can’t get it out of my head. Except there’s
something else in there, something that I can’t remember. I look to
Reid with confusion. “So I just passed out?”

“That’s what Hillay said.”

“Hillay?”

“You went to the Healers. Remember? They
bandaged this,” he touches my neck before bringing his finger to my
shoulder. “And this.”

Yes, I remember that. I went to get my
injuries taken care of and then—

It all comes rushing back: the confusion,
the shock, the disbelief.

The baby.

My breath hitches, my heart pounding as I
stare at the linen between us. That’s right. I passed out because
Hillay told me the news. She thought I knew—that Reid knew. But we
didn’t. We’d had no reason to suspect…but maybe we should have. We
weren’t exactly careful. After being apart for three months, I know
safety precautions weren’t high on his list of priorities either. I
look up. Reid is staring at me, one brow popped in confusion. He
has no idea. He has no clue what’s about to happen.

“What?” Concern pulls at his features. “What
is it?”

My mouth opens but I can’t force the words.
I can’t tell Reid that he’s going to be a father. Not just yet.

“Fallon,” he forces a laugh. “You’re
uh…you’re kind of scaring me right now.”

“Sorry.”

He frowns, peering at the bandage on my neck
before shifting his attention to the one on my shoulder, and then
to my hand. “Are your injuries worse than they said?”

“No.”

“Then what is it?”

Again, my mouth parts, but the words
evaporate the moment I try to use them. Chickening out, I decide to
tell him later. “I’m just really tired.”

He’s not fully convinced but decides to let
me go with this. “Well you should be, you’ve barely slept.”

“Have you?”

Reid sort of shrugs and I realize how much
I’ve clutched to him since it happened. Except for sneaking away to
sit with Clarence in the night, Reid has been by my side the entire
time, unwilling to separate. He must be exhausted. And probably in
need of updates, too. I have no idea what’s happening in the Three
Worlds. Nor in this war that I’ve failed to end. I’ve been too
consumed with the loss of Clarence, but the last I knew, the
Arizals were in full retreat and Reuzkimpart had both Gifts.

“Fallon?” Able calls from the entryway. “You
feeling better?”

I shrug.

His focus shifts to Reid. “Did you tell
her?”

“Tell me what?”

“About tomorrow,” Reid faces me. His
features are tense, like he’s not sure how to phrase his next
comment. “We’re going to Harrizel. We’re resting Clarence and
Jothkore in Ellae.”

“Oh.”

“Sampson wanted to do it today,” Able moves
farther into the room, “but you passed out and he wanted to make
sure the others could come.”

“What others?”

“Ehan and Norhra, I think,” he plops down on
the bed and then scans me curiously. “Are you okay by the way?”

I nod.

“You probably need to eat,” he frowns.
“You’re looking a little pale. Isn’t she, Boss?”

The same concern returns but Reid merely
nods. Rubbing his hands down his face, he jumps to a stand. “I
think it’s been a long few days. And I think we need our rest for
what’s coming,” he glances into the hallway. “The others finished
eating?”

Able nods.

“How’s Tucker doing?”

Tucker
.

I haven’t had a chance to talk with the
tribesman after he stayed behind while Zinnollo burned. He wanted
to help the Zingfinolds, wanted to do whatever he could for them
while I took the rest of us and ran. At least I know Tucker
survived. But what about the rest of the southern tribe? King
Hozfin? Warze? Zeed? I need an update on what’s going on, but I’m
in no rush to hear about the destruction of the Zingfinold city. Of
how I left them to their fiery fate.