Cube Route (5 page)

    Conun winced. “I hope you don't.” Then he beat on his drum, the loud sound making ripples on the river.

    Conun drumming. Suddenly she had it. Fortunately he wasn't looking her way--few men ever did--so didn't see the bulb flash over her head. She waded and swam back up to the tangle tree stop.

    The dryad was waiting. “What's your news?”

    “I fathomed it. Conun is a drummer. Conun drums. Conundrum. That's a riddle, a play on words, a pun. That's the pun: What is Conun drum? He is a conundrum. Tell him that, and he is yours. He has no choice.”

    “Oh, goody!” The nymph clapped her cute little hands again. “You wait here.” She dived into the water.

    “But--” But the nymph was gone. Cube hadn't realized that she could leave her tree.

    She waited. In two and a half moments there was an exclamation downstream, followed by what sounded like a loud kiss. “Let her pass!” the dryad's voice came.

    That must be an order to the tree. Cube waded out of the water and approached the tree somewhat nervously. If she had misunderstood--

    But the tentacles were parting, revealing a path to the other side. Cube walked along it, passing through an arcade of green tentacles. The tree could grab her now, if it wanted to. But it didn't, and in barely over another moment she was out the other side. She heaved a silent sigh of relief. She had passed the third Challenge.

    She discovered she was in the entrance hall of the castle, soaking wet. A somewhat drab woman was hurrying toward her. “Don't wet the floor!” the woman cried.

    Cube stopped. “The Challenges--the river--”

    “The ladies' room is right here,” the woman said, showing her a door. “Clean up and change there.”

    Bemused, Cube opened the door and entered the room. There was a basin and sponge, and a dry dress hung beside them. There was also a set of sheer stockings, and a silken bra and panty. Much nicer things than she had worn before. So she got out of her sopping clothing, sponged herself clean, put on the nice clothing except for the stockings, and transferred her things to the new outfit. Her things included the rear-view mirror and the water ball, which had somehow survived the river without dissolving. She gazed at the stockings; she had never worn such things before, but they were evidently for her use, and maybe were part of the required apparel for meeting the Good Magician. So she pulled them on, and was pleasantly surprised when they made her legs look nice. Too bad she couldn't wear a stocking over her head! She combed her hair without trying to use the mirror, and stepped back out into the hall.

    A young woman was waiting there. “Hello, Cube. I am Wira, the Good Magician's daughter-in-law. He will see you now.”

    “That's good. Uh, who was the other woman?”

    “She is Sofia Socksorter, the Magician's Designated Wife of the Month. She is very careful about keeping clothing in order, especially socks.”

    “I noticed.” Cube followed Wira down the hall, through a chamber or two, and up a winding flight of steps. “Would you like a mirror?”

    “Thank you, no. I could not use it.”

    “Why not?”

    “I am blind.”

    Cube was astonished. “But you're showing me the way!”

    “I am familiar with the castle.”

    Oh. Cube wasn't sure what to say, so said nothing. She wished she could apologize for her offer of the mirror, but that would only make it worse.

    They came to a dingy little study lined with books and potion bottles. Inside was a gnomish man hunched over a huge tome. “Good Magician, here is the querent Cube.”

    The man looked up. He almost smiled as he saw Wira, then remembered himself and resumed his etched frown. “Ask.”

    “How can I be beautiful?”

    There was a long pause, at least two moments and a trice. Cube was afraid he wouldn't answer, but then he did. “You must travel the Cube Route.”

    “Cube? That's my name!”

    “Your name is Cue. Complete the Cube Route and you will be beautiful.”

    And there it was: the way to become beautiful! “Thank you, Good Magician! Now what is my Service?”

    “That is it.”

    “To go where I will be beautiful? I don't understand.”

    The Magician sighed. “I see I must explain.” It was clear that he disliked explaining. “Xanth recently came into some additional territory of the contra-terrene persuasion. There are those who wish to explore and colonize it, but they do not know a safe route there or how to handle its special nature. You will gather assistants and find that route and fathom that land's nature. Once you have established it, others will be able to follow, and you will be free to enjoy your considerable beauty. Limit your party to nine: no more, no less. Each person in your party will be appropriately rewarded, in due course. Now be on your way.”

    “But I have no idea where the route is!” Cube protested. “Or whom to recruit to help. I don't even have nine friends. I don't know who would be suitable.”

    “That is your Challenge.” The Magician's gaze returned to his musty tome.

    “But--”

    “Do not pester him,” Wira whispered urgently. “That only makes him grumpy. He has Answered you and given you your Service.”

    “But the answer is no good, and I can't do the Service if I don't know how to implement it!”

    “You must find a way,” Wira said, gently drawing her out of the study.

    Find a way? This seemed impossible.

    Sofia met them at the foot of the stairs. “You will need this,” she said, presenting a small bag or pouch.

    “This?” Cube asked blankly.

    “He did not explain?”

    “Not sufficiently.”

    The woman nodded. “That is why he needs wives. Someone has to clean up after his confusions.”

    “Wives?”

    “Each month there is a new designated wife,” Wira explained. “In the course of Magician Humfrey's generous century of life and adventure, he met and loved six women, and married five and a half of them. Then the Demon Xanth gave them all back to him at once, so he alternates.”

    “Five and a half?”

    “He didn't marry his first love until after she returned. It was a small ceremony a baker's dozen years ago. So he has a half wife of thirteen years.”

    “Oh.” That probably made all the sense it was going to.

    “Your mission is secret until it is successful,” Sofia said. “Therefore a group of people must not be seen to search it out, lest hostile forces take note. One person must do it--someone with gumption, that no one will notice.”

    A black bulb flashed over Cube's head, for an unwelcome realization. “No one ever notices me if they can avoid it.”

    “Precisely. You are ideal.”

    “But the Good Magician said I should have assistants. How can I travel alone if I have companions?”

    “You must limit the size of your party to nine, because secrets become difficult to maintain beyond that. You will carry the others in the magic pouch I converted from one of Himself's socks.”

    “Himself?”

    “His wives call him that,” Wira murmured. “Not to his face. Because he is full of--”

    “Himself,” Sofia finished.

    Cube was coming to appreciate that. Then she picked up on something else. “You made this purse from a sock?”

    “I am not called Sofia Socksorter for nothing. I have a certain way with socks. That's why he married me; he can't keep track of them. He wore this sock for fifteen years before I joined him and made him put on a fresh one. As a result it absorbed some of his magic.”

    “Fifteen years?”

    “It stank,” Wira said. “Sofia washed it for ten days, and couldn't get the magic out, but at least the smell was reduced.”

    Cube looked at the pouch. “I don't think anyone would fit in this. Not more than one foot.”

    “They will all fit,” Sofia assured her. “Each person must put a foot in, and the rest will follow. When you need to take one out, reach in with your hand and haul him out.”

    “This is weird! I can't believe--”

    “Show her, Wira.”

    Sofia held the sock down, and Wira found it with her dainty foot. She pushed the foot in, then abruptly the rest of her slid into the sock, and she disappeared.

    “Oh!” Cube exclaimed, amazed.

    “Now fetch her out,” Sofia said, handing her the sock.

    Cube took the sock, and with her free hand reached into it. It looked as though there were room only for her hand to the wrist, but it turned out to have no bottom; she reached in to her elbow and still was not at the end. Her hand was floundering in emptiness. “There's nothing there.”

    “You must say her name.”

    Oh, again. “Wira.”

    A hand caught hers. Cube pulled, and in a quarter of a moment Wira was out. “I'm glad you didn't leave me there.”

    “Oh, I wouldn't--”

    But the young woman was smiling. It was humor. Cube had muffed it again. She would gladly have traded some of her useless gumption for a bit more social sensitivity.

    “Remember,” Sofia said. “Once you have recruited an assistant, put him in the pouch, and bring him out only at need. It is attuned to you, and will work only in your presence. No one else must know that you are not traveling alone.”

    “I--I'll remember,” Cube agreed weakly. She tucked the empty pouch into a pocket. “Um, suppose I should at some point need to enter the pouch myself. Could I do that?”

    “Yes, though this is not recommended for casual use. For you, time will not be suspended, and no one else can bring you out. You will bring yourself out when you decide. The pouch will effectively shelter you from extreme conditions. But while you are in it, someone else would be able to carry it or throw it away; you would no longer have control.”

    “I think I would prefer to retain control.”

    “I have some travel supplies for you,” Sofia continued, producing a huge package. “Box lunches, changes of clothing, tools, bedding, potable water--”

    “What kind of water?”

    “Good to drink,” Wira clarified. She was not the demoness Metria, so did not have to hunt for words.

    Cube eyed the package, which was almost as big as she was. “But how can I ever carry all that?”

    “In the pouch, of course. Bring it out.”

    Cube brought it out. Sofia put the end of the package at the mouth of the sock, and the whole thing slid smoothly in and disappeared. “You won't need to take it all out together,” the woman said. “Just say what item you want, as you put your hand in, and it will be there.”

    “Uh, thank you,” Cube said, somewhat numbly.

    Sofia smiled for the first time. “That's quite all right. We homely women have to stick together.”

    Cube tried to formulate a suitable response, but her tongue would not cooperate.

    “You both look beautiful to me,” Wira said diplomatically. But of course she was blind.

Recruiting

    Before she knew it, Cube was out of the Good Magician's Castle, thoroughly confused. What was she supposed to do?

    Well, what did she know? That there was a new territory to be explored, and nobody knew the way there. She had to find it. She could choose others to help her do that. And if she succeeded, she would be beautiful.

    This was not at all the kind of assignment she had expected, but she had to do it. Because she truly wanted to be beautiful.

    Maybe if she got the right people, they would have good ideas on how to locate the territory. So her first job was to find those people. Who might they be? It was hard to think of one, let alone nine.

    She would simply have to ask people, and accept any who agreed to help. Maybe this mission was fated to succeed, and the right people would appear along her route.

    And maybe she was dreaming. She would have to help herself. She would have to seek people.

    What about those she had already met on the way to the Good Magician's Castle? Ryver and Karia? She liked the winged centaur, and Karia could really help get across rough terrain. And Ryver--she would just like to be close to him, even if she wasn't beautiful, and he paid no attention to her. She knew she was foolish, but that was the way it was.

    But both those folk had gone the other way, and were nowhere close now. She didn't know exactly where they had gone. How could she find them, without taking endless time?

    A bulb flashed over her head. “Demoness Metria!” she whispered.

    “Yes?” a puff of smoke answered.

    Cube jumped. “I didn't know you were so close!”

    The smoke expanded into the lovely semi-clad form of the demoness. “I wasn't. But you spoke my name. That alerted me. What is on your homely mortal mind?”

    Cube realized that the demoness would not help her out of the goodness of her heart. She didn't have either goodness or a heart. What would persuade her? The question brought the answer: “I have something interesting for you.”

    “You have gotten your Answer!”

    “Yes. But it is secret.”

    “I love secrets! What is it?”

    “If I told you, it wouldn't be secret.”

    “Oh, come on, you're going to have to share it with your Companions anyway.”

    “How do you know that?”

    “Because you are obviously on a Quest, and all Quests have Companions. It's in the Big Book of Rules.”

    So it seemed. “But you're not a Companion.”

    The demoness put on a canny look: she became a huge floating can. “Suppose I were, what would you tell me?”

    Cube realized that she would have to feed Metria's interest to some degree in order to win her cooperation. “Suppose I had to go to a new territory and mark a safe route there. But first I needed nine Companions. Suppose you helped me find them, you could be the first demon to see this territory.”

    “Suppose I went to see it on my own?”

    “Suppose you didn't know the way?”

    That stymied the demoness. “So where is it?”

    “I don't know. I have to find it--with the help of others. I could tell you about it if you became a Companion. The Good Magician said those who participated would be appropriately rewarded. Do you want to be part of this effort?”

    Metria considered. “What is the nature of this dependency?”

    “This what?”

    “Province, colony, demesne, possession--”

    “Territory?”

    “Whatever,” she agreed crossly.

    Cube was pretty sure now that Metria was going to sign up, so she answered. “The Good Magician described it as 'contra-terrene.'”

    “Oh,that territory! Our side won it from the Demoness Fornax one year ago. Counter Xanth.”

    “You know of it?” But obviously she did.

    “Sure. But not where it is. It's the opposite of Xanth, inverted, or something. If someone touched it and Xanth at the same time, he'd detonate.”

    “He'd what?”

    “Fire, burst, blow up, blast, explode--”

    “I think you had it right the first time, after all.”

    “Whatever,” the demoness agreed crossly. “So there has to be a way to get there without touching any part of Xanth. You don't want to grab both ends of the charge together.”

    Cube was coming to appreciate the problem. There would have to be a very special route there. “So do you want to help?”

    “Of course not. Demons don't help mortals, they torment them.”

    “Even if they lose the reward?”

    “What is the reward?”

    “He didn't say. Just that there would be one. Is there anything you are in need of?”

    “No.” But Metria hovered thoughtfully. “I wonder what it could be?”

    “You can find out by earning and receiving it.”

    The demoness exploded into a generous slew of smoky fragments. “You bleeping mortal! You have aroused my insatiable curiosity. I want to know what I'm missing.” The voice came from a fragment that had been left behind.

    “Then give me your word.”

    “Bleep!” The fragment puffed into smoke, which swirled and formed a word: BLEEP! It floated across to touch Cube's hand. “Here is my word, you conniving creature. I'll keep the secret.”

    Score one for the home team. But there was still a possible hurdle. “You will have to travel in this.” She brought out the pouch.

    “But I can't get out of that on my own! That's one of Humfrey's old magic socks.”

    “True.” Actually Cube hadn't realized that it would hold demons in too. “You will truly be committed.”

    Metria sighed. The sound blew the word into tatters of smoke. “All right,” a tatter said. “Put me in.”

    “Not yet. First I need to contact Karia Centaur. Find her and ask her whether she would like to join me in a search for that territory.”

    “That would blow the secret.”

    She was right. “Maybe then just whether she would like to join me in an adventure. But don't speak her name.”

    The fragment swelled into the form of the demoness. “Does she know how to find it?”

    “Probably not. But she can help us search.”

    “You have got hold of my curiosity, and you are using it to make me cooperate,” Metria accused her.

    “I thought you understood that when you agreed to join me.”

    “You must have a bit of demon blood in you.”

    “Do demons have blood?”

    “No.” There was a pop as she disappeared.

    Cube resumed walking along the enchanted path. She did not know where she was going, but she would get there faster if she kept moving.

    In a moderate while--whiles were difficult to measure precisely--the demoness reappeared. “The centaur is on her way. She will meet you at the rest stop closest to the castle.”

    “Wonderful!” Just like that, she had recruited her first assistant, or maybe her second if Metria counted. “Now do the same with Ryver, if you can find him.”

    “Ryver? Isn't he the water boy?”

    “Yes. He gave me a water ball.” Cube brought it out.

    The demoness popped off again.

    Cube continued walking along the path, hoping she had done the right thing. She wasn't quite sure she could trust the demoness, because demons had no souls and therefore no consciences. But Metria's help could make a huge difference.

    A wisp of smoke formed before her. “Back already, Metria?”

    “He wants to know if you are beautiful yet.”

    Darn! She had forgotten about that. How could she recruit Ryver if he wanted her lovely first? “I guess that's a no,” she said wearily.

    The demoness formed, unconscionably lovely. “So it's like that. I'm sorry.”

    “You're sorry? You don't have human feelings!”

    “Yes I do. Ever since I married and got half a soul.”

    “You have a soul? That means you can be trusted!”

    “Half a soul. So you can trust me halfway. Actually a quarter soul now; my baby got half of it.”

    “You have a child?”

    “Yes, after signaling the stork 750 times and serving a summons on it. It used to be that a half-mortal child of a demon with a soul got all of it, but the Time of No Magic must have shaken up the rules, and now it's just half. Too bad about your boyfriend.”

    “But if you're married, how can you join the quest? Don't you have to tend to your husband?”

    “My alter ego Demoness Mentia is doing that, and keeping an eye on my seven-year-old son, Ted. So I'm free to adventure, for the nonce.”

    “How can a demon have an alter ego?”

    “It's not easy. D. Mentia is a little crazy. So is Demon Ted. But my husband doesn't care as long as Mentia pretends to be me. In fact he likes a little craziness mixed in with his delirium. And Ted likes my child alter ego, Woe Betide. Those two little mischiefs are trying to figure out how to get around the Adult Conspiracy.”

    Cube decided not to question that further. What counted was the discovery that Metria could indeed be trusted, at least halfway. That made her feel better. Not enough to compensate for the loss of Ryver, but better than nothing.

    “I could cover your face and body with a shroud of myself and make you look beautiful.”

    For half an instant Cube was obscenely tempted. But then she realized that it was unworkable because Ryver would know, and dishonest if he didn't know. “No. I'll just have to do without Ryver.”

    “Well then, I have nothing to do, so let's try your pouch.”

    Cube brought out the pouch and held it out. “Put your foot in it.”

    The demoness lifted a lovely leg indecently high, and poked an exquisite dainty foot in. Then she slid all the way into the sock and disappeared. All that was left behind was the sound of her voice: “Wheeee!”

    Cube returned the pouch to her pocket. It wasn't any larger than before.

    Another person passed. Traffic was not thick, but she was meeting more people than she had at home. Was this a prospect to be a Companion? “Hello. I'm Cube. My talent is summoning nickelpedes.”

    “I am Kate. Dupli Kate. I make twins or triplets.”

    “You mean you get the stork to deliver them?”

    “No, I twin or triple grown folk. I could demonstrate on you, if you wish, but you might find it inconvenient to have a twin, and I can't undo them after they appear.”

    “Thanks, I'll pass that up,” Cube agreed hastily. The thought of there being two of her was awful; one was plain enough. She decided not to mention the quest.

    Some time later she saw something off to the side, beyond the enchanted path. It was a person sitting on the ground, not moving. Was something wrong?

    Cube left the path and went to investigate. It was a woman with a pale yellow complexion and wild hair. She held something in her hand and was staring at it. Some kind of fruit, or--

    It was a gourd. A hypno-gourd! The kind with a peephole that sucked a person's mind inside, locking her in the realm of bad dreams. The woman must have seen the gourd, picked it up, looked at it without realizing its nature, and gotten trapped. She would remain that way until someone else interrupted her line of sight to the peephole.

    Cube put her hands on the gourd, blocking the peephole, and lifted it out of the woman's grasp. The woman blinked, looking around. “What happened?” she asked sourly.

    “You were caught by a hypno-gourd,” Cube explained. “You would have remained that way until your body died of thirst or starvation. I knew you wouldn't want that, so--”

    “Who the $$$$ are you?” the woman demanded irritably.

    “I'm Cube. I was walking along the enchanted path and saw--”

    “And I'm Fluorine,” the other said wrathfully. “Chlorine's sister. She got to be beautiful and marry a prince or something, but I got nothing. Her measly talent is poisoning water, while I can practically make water explode. Why don't you mind your own business?”

    There was something corrosive about Fluorine's personality. “But as I said, you would have remained--”

    “I was in a really wild party,” Fluorine said angrily. “There was a pool there, with mermaids who had a special aisle leading to Mundania that only they could use, so they were teasing stray Mundane men mercilessly, flashing breasts and tails, and the stupid men were falling into the water trying to catch them, and almost drowning. Great sport! And you had to come and break it up, you ignorant meddler.”

    Cube saw that there was no reasoning with this irascible woman. She preferred her bad dream of tormenting men to the reality of her loss of health and life. She certainly was no prospect for the quest. “Sorry I bothered,” Cube muttered, and walked away.

    “Good riddance!” Fluorine yelled after her.

    Only when Cube was back on the enchanted path did she realize that she still carried the gourd. She considered throwing it away, but that might just make mischief for someone else, so instead she put it into the pouch. She would dispose of it somewhere else, or use it to stun some dangerous creature if she had to.

    Belatedly she wondered who Chlorine might be, who poisoned water. She had married a prince? That almost gave Cube hope for herself.

    She passed another woman. She was beginning to lose faith in finding suitable Companions by sheer chance, but some hope remained. “Hello. I'm Cube. I can summon nickelpedes.”

    “I'm Amanda. I can change one kind of plant to another.”

    Now that might have promise. “You mean, change varieties?”

    “Any type to any type.” Amanda looked around. “See that cemetree? Now it's a pie plant.”

    Cube was impressed. The tree that looked like a gravestone had become a bush bearing blueberry pies. “I wonder if you would be interested--”

    “Sorry, I have to get home now,” Amanda said, and moved on. “Nice meeting you.”

    This just wasn't turning out to be easy.

    In due course she reached the camp. Just as she did, there was a sound in the air. She looked, and saw Karia gliding down. That was nice timing.

    “Thanks for coming!” she called to the centaur.