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"Penelope."

The way my name sounds rolled off his tongue is mesmerising. The same way resident vamp Bill pronounces his lust and love when he says '
Sookie'
in True Blood.

"You have the most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen in my life."

And no sooner those unbelievable words exit his mouth, his lips press dexterously on mine. My eyes close, as I am not able to comprehend it.  The sweet aroma of his body fills me instantaneously, and the taste of his lips is a rare delicacy I haven’t tasted before. Mere seconds after our mouths embrace, the kiss reaches its inevitable end. He pauses, a fraction from my mouth and takes a short sharp breath.  Before I have any time to process a thought, he presses his lips to mine once more only this time, it's more forceful, desirable and takes me over completely. The music playing softly in the background is dulled only by the sound of my thumping heart pounding away in my chest. At the highest point of ecstasy I can manage in my current state, a painful plea from my permanent scar cries out for help. At that moment, I pull abruptly away from him, covering my trembling lips with my hand protectively.

We sit there gasping for air, both breathing in and out noisily. My head swirling in so many directions that it’s hard to make sense of what is going on. Getting into something with someone who is leaving isn’t ideal, and for me, isn’t the best way for me to try and heal. If I fall for him, I am terrified what the loss will mean once he leaves.

Fall for him?

Am I falling for him?

Such an emotional feeling is torture to think of right now, and for fear of the answer - I choose not to really ask myself the question.

"What the fuck?" he manages under his breath and as I gaze into his eyes, he looks completely vulnerable; open. I smile. He continues his in depth stare, like he is searching me for answers. But no words seem to want to form as I am at a complete loss for what to do.

"I never..." he starts before halting, shaking his head dismissingly. "I mean, that was intense." 

I can’t help but find his use of his word somewhat amusing and a smirk comes over my originally dazed demeanour.

"Jay, look, I....." Before I can continue, I am silenced by his arctic touch on my lower lip. His skilled second finger strokes it tenderly, like he's trying to soothe the sting left by his kiss. He doesn't relent on his delicate caress which sends a never ending tremor throughout my entire body.

"See me tomorrow," he doesn’t ask but orders. "I want to take you out tomorrow." His eyes are burning powerfully, stronger than ever before making me feel defenceless and completely under his spell. Despite the ache throbbing persistently in my chest, I can’t seem to word anything to assist its’ appease.

"Tomorrow....?" is all I can bear to ask. Uncertain and confused, my pulse still trying to return to its normal speed.

He nods slowly, as he leans towards me carefully pressing his mouth to mine once more.

"Yes. Tomorrow."

The next morning, I eventually decide to get out of bed after spending the last ten hours tossing and turning endlessly. My mind was going over everything in fine detail about Jay’s late night call and the kiss. It was unlike anything I have ever experienced before. Whether it’s the kiss itself, or the mere fact that I haven’t had one at all in the past three months is uncertain at this point; but I can’t seem to deny our connection and the electricity between us. My memory has been reliving the scenes from our very first meeting at The Loft, to our late encounter - almost like a digital picture frame flashing images one to another, on loop unable to stop. As I rise up, dismissing the doona off me in a couple of reckless kicks, I find myself feeling strangely seedy as I sit on the edge of my bed. I take a deep breath and slowly rise to my feet, gently swaying side to side. Staggering one foot in front of the other, I manage my way into the semi lit hall.

In a daze, I continue downstairs and head straight for the kitchen, taking a quick glance toward the front door. Suddenly it’s no longer the tragic image of me seeing my love for the very last time, but it’s of Jay’s cool departure last night.

He left abruptly at the conclusion of our 'moment' and after repeating the words 'tomorrow’ to me a few times, we walked to the door in utter silence. When he reached it he placed his hand around my neck sensually, trailing his fingers along my collarbone. He gently dipped his face toward my forehead kissing it possessively, before slipping out of the front door and into the blackened night.

My stomach turns into a knot at the recollection of his exit. The way his icy palm cupped itself around my throat so precisely, lighted a spark deep inside that had never been lit before; and my forehead still tender from the scorching kiss he branded me with. I continue into the kitchen before halting at the entrance. I’m surprised to see Rosie sitting on one of the timber stools sipping on a cup of strong coffee, as the aroma fills the room entirely. I smile awkwardly as she notices me enter. The images of my confusing night with Jay now instantly being replaced by mine and Rosie’s argument yesterday. The torment in my mind calls to me in a slight throb and I raise my hand to my temple narrowing my eyes painfully.

I need some Panadol.

I head straight to the overhead cupboard and reach for the pain relief.

"You have a headache?"

Her obvious question breaks the ice in what I realise must prelude to an apology. I close the cupboard behind me, snap two tablets out the packet and place the remainder on the stove top before I turn toward her anxiously.

"I didn’t sleep well," I mumble, as I lean my body back up against the counter, purposely keeping my expression soft. "Look Rose I am really sorry for snapping at you yesterday. You know I didn’t mean it."

"I know you didn’t," she answers confidently. "Me either," she smiles at the corner of her mouth shyly. I head over to the bench so that I am facing her perched position on the opposite side and reach my arm out toward hers.

"I’m serious, I’m sorry," I press. "I don’t know what I would have done without you these past few months Rose." I take a heavy breath as I try to shut the emotions down as I split second relive those past few months, before I continue. "You have been such an amazing friend and I don’t want to lose that."

A tiny tear starts to well in my eye, but I wipe it straight away to stifle the down pour that could follow. I look at Rosie and she seems to have altered her softer expression. She looks guilty and I can’t help but wonder what I have done to cause my friend such sorrow.

"Pen, you don’t need to apologise and thank me," she pauses, her expression filled as though she’s deep in thought. "I’ve been the best friend I can be and know how to be, that’s all."

I feel awful. She obviously feels like she has failed at being my friend since she has tried endlessly to get me to move on. In receipt of her sombre eyes, that I have obviously caused, I am annoyed at myself for being so damn selfish.

"Rosie, I’m serious! I honestly don’t know what I would have done without you. Everything you have done for me... I won’t ever be able to repay you!"

She reaches for my hand across the counter where it is still clutching the two tablets, and grips her palm so it encases mine firmly. "You don’t have to say anything Penny. I just want to get back to normal, that’s all."

Her words are honest with a slight hint of heartbreak, which I can only assume is felt by the pain she has seen me endure over the past few months.

"Normal? I can definitely try." I grin as wide as I can and before I know it we are both giggling softly with each other. The way good friends do when they know one another so well, and an instant relief fills me. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her. With my parents now so far away and with Maggie so tied into
his
life, all I really have is Rosie. The thought of my only lifeline being tormented by my hurtful actions literally kills me and I throw my arms around her neck tightly, letting her know how much she means to me. After a few moments silently embracing my friend, I pull away and lean back on my side of the bench, relieved that another weight has finally lifted.

"So, how was Tony last night?" I ask, trying to stifle a 'normal’ conversation.

"He was good. I just wanted to give you some space you know."

My mind flicks back to my encounter last night in her absence and my face flushes. As I eye her cautiously, I realise I don’t actually feel guilty that this happened last night, but ashamed that she doesn’t know. In a strange way, I can’t help but see her as a kind of mother figure to me, and it is her house after all.

"You know I heard from Jay again last night," I start, straight to the point knowing that she would instantly put down her coffee and give me her full attention. I was right.

"And.....?"

"He wanted to come over and talk to me after I left in such a hurry," I blush just imagining the following events, and wonder how to go about explaining it. I straighten my bended elbows from the bench and stand up right, letting my hands rest near my stomach so I can continue fidgeting them nervously. "He thought I left because of him..." I trail, rolling my eyes at the absurdity of his comment.

"What do you mean, ‘because of him’ why would he think that?" she asks screwing up her face to match her tone.

"Well, I told you we almost had a 'moment'," I signal my hands making the inverted comma sign with my fingers.

"Yeah, and...?"

"Well it was interrupted by a group of girls in the street that recognised him. They started screaming at him, and wanting photos or whatever." I roll my eyes and rock to one side leaning my weight on my other leg, still squirming, glancing down at my entwined fingers. "It was at that point that I basically just ran away."

"So you just left without any explanation at all?"

I shrug my shoulders uncomfortably, as the more this situation is said out loud, makes it appear even more ridiculous and over the top. I’m a grown woman who runs at the fear of someone kissing her, and it’s not as if it was all that unwanted.

Was it?

"I wandered a little further down the street trying to gather my thoughts, and I just couldn’t stay there Rose. I was confused and emotional. I just had to... leave."

She nods respectfully like she’s trying to sympathise where I’m coming from, but she doesn’t fool me - I don’t think she really understands.

"Okay and that somehow led to him coming over?"

"I woke up after you left and he had texted me. Before I could message back he called again and wanted to talk to me," I ramble as I slowly start to head towards the lobby and before I reach it, I turn abruptly to look at her.

I just need to say it.

"He kissed me."

I feel incredibly uneasy saying the words out loud about being kissed by another man. For so long I had only known the touch of one, and it was the only touch I had ever had. The sensation is strange for me, not feel remorseful in any way as its completely unchartered territory. As the thoughts deconstruct in my mind, Rosie’s eyes gradually grow considerably larger.

"He kissed you?" she beams excitedly. "Did you kiss him back?"

Did I?

I didn’t move away if that’s what you are asking!

"I, I think so," I manage to respond.

I immediately start to pace back and forth trying to remove the discomfort I’m reeling from. "I don’t know. It just happened all so quickly and I just didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t move!" I rush the words out of my mouth in despair.

She immediately comes to my aide placing both of her hands on the tops of my shoulders to stop my constant pacing. She brings her warm open gaze to mine.

"Penny, you kissed him back. It’s alright, you are allowed to.”

Am I allowed to?

Why does it feel so confusing to me then....?

"He obviously likes you." No sooner the words are out of her mouth my eyes are automatically rolling around in their sockets, too noticeably.

"Penny! He does!" she states firmly. "Why would he come all the over here just to apologise for something like that? If he just wanted sex, he either would have been more forceful last night when he was here, or went elsewhere. It’s not like he couldn’t you know!"

I cringe.

I pull a sour face like I sucked on a lemon, as images of random women fill my head intensely. Of course I’m not that naive. I know he could basically have anyone and probably at any time he wanted. But I instantly wondered how many.

Do I really want to know?

Probably not.

"I mean, did he try anything after the kiss?"

I shake my head in response to her question as her usual push for so much information, is starting to get to me. She has been my parental type figure these past few months, which pained me to say the least. I hated the fact that our once close friendship had turned into this, and this, was her mother tone.

"See. If that’s what he wanted you would know about it more surely by now." She drops her hands from my shoulders and lets them fall to her sides.

I do agree somewhat with what she’s saying, but I can’t help but still feel cautious. I know that mentally I’m nowhere near ready to have that kind of relationship yet, and he’s only here for one more day. He leaves tonight. It can’t possibly go anywhere so why am I even stressing about it. It’s not worth the worry.

"So how was it?" she asks eagerly cutting off my thoughts.

I look at her instantly with an unamused look on my face.

Really?

"The kiss," she urges like I don’t know what she means. I roll my eyes.

"Roseeeee..." I continue shaking my head and walk to the stairs, throwing back the Panadol down my dry mouth that I’ve still held in my sweaty hands this entire time. They slide down roughly, catching on every nodule in my stark throat.

"Hey, you can’t hide from me Penny! I will get the gory details out of you!" I hear her faint teasing tone as I head up the stairs and into my room.

A few hours later I find myself back in the kitchen raiding the cupboards for something to eat. Since my earlier conversation in here with Rosie I feel far more relieved that I have gotten some of my confused thoughts off my chest. It also helped that I showered and washed my hair properly, which I hadn’t done for quite some time. I even managed to tidy up my closet. I was surprised by how many new clothes were actually in there. Rosie really had gone overboard with spending money on me. She desperately tried everything to get me to snap out of my misery. I had decided on another pair of denim jeans and threw on a loose black tee, which fell to the top of my hip. Since I had washed my hair, I dried it straight with an off centre part, so that my long layer fell across the side of my face to my chin. I almost felt like my old self again.

Almost.

Not being content with any food I look for in the cupboard, I decide on an apple instead. I grab one out of the glass bowl and make my way to the lounge room. Rosie is sitting on the couch watching the entertainment news which is one of her favourite shows. I take up the spot next to her and immediately that intensity washes over me, as I visualise my previous night sitting here with
him
. My heart rate quickens as my memory replays the event to each fine detail. I blush.

"You know, this is where it happened," I tease and nudge her knowingly in her side and take a large bite of my juicy apple sarcastically. She gasps excitedly and we laugh together simultaneously as she prods me back playfully in my stomach.

"Ho," she jokes and we giggle some more.

It feels so amazing to be doing this right now. To be talking to Rosie like she’s my best friend, and not my mother or shrink!

The pure joy I actually feel in this moment is so exquisite that I don’t want it to end. I never thought I would be here again. Ever.

"Oh my God. Ssh, ssh!"

What’s wrong?

Rosie hushes my remaining laughter and reaches for the television remote, turning up the volume. I tear my worried eyes from her and back toward the television and gasp, as I notice a small image of Jay flash on the screen before me. I stare at it intently, immediately ceasing my noise in surprise.