Cut (5 page)

Coming out of the restroom all teary, and clearly emotional - he probably thought I was a sure thing.

I roll my eyes and begin fidgeting my hands in my lap, again, shaking my head with agitation.
Moments later, with Rosie still chattering away about her websites and Jay Rykers many conquests, my mood begins to shift as I hear a faint melody start to float throughout the room. I look up towards the sound and can see the image of a man perched distinctively on the stage. The single mild spotlight glowing around his form as he strums soulfully on his guitar. I can’t make out the man in detail from here, especially with the darkness of the room; but I know it’s him. The soft tune instantly fills my soul and pacifies the annoyance I had felt only moments before. His music somehow seems to have an effect on me. Completely entranced by the tune, I gently move my torso, tilting my head back and forth to the rhythm I hear cascading into the air. In a feeling of contentment, my eyes close slowly leaving me oscillating in the darkness hypnotized by his songs.

He plays several others, each dissimilar, but all of them having the same magnetic pull on my soul. I can feel the alcohol waving its magic wand over my bodily functions now, as the gentle movement of my head is making the room haze into a blur. Oblivious to even Rosie sitting beside me, I continue my slurry sway and enjoy this rare moment of peace.

"Your drinks ladies," the waiter announces, abruptly bringing me back into the room. I jerk my eyes open and stop the rhythmic movement of my body and give the waiter an accommodating smile.

Finally!

I don’t hesitate and no sooner the tray is down, I instantly pop off the cork. The sprightly sound is surprisingly music to my ears and I hastily pour the bubbly, sparkling liquid into both glasses to the brim.

"Bottom’s up!" I chirp as I raise the elegant crystal to my lips, without waiting for Rosie and divulge the entire glass in one graceless gulp. Without hesitation, I am already pouring another glass.

"Geez Penny, slow down hey?”

Her motherly tone has been all too familiar these past few months. It’s sad to think that our friendship has become this way. Her feeling like she has to take care of me, and to be the one to pick up the pieces after it all ended.

Well no one told her too! It’s not like she
is
my mother
,
my bad conscious bites.

Shaking off my nasty thought, I raise the second glass of the sweet and familiar beverage tossing it inelegantly down my throat. I put the glass down forcefully and instantly look up at Rosie who is staring at me with disapproving eyes.

"I think it’s time we go.”

Seeing her so disheartened after she arrived with such enthusiasm makes me feel guilty. The tipsiness I am reeling from isn’t making all that much sense, and without thinking I throw both arms tightly around her and give her an over-the-top, bear-like hug. It must have taken her by surprise as she doesn’t move at all. She merely sits there allowing me to further tighten my grip around her. After a few moments, I let my grasp go allowing my hands to fall to my sides and give her a quick little peck on her cheek. She smiles.

"Sure, let’s go,” I answer before raising my pointer finger in front of me. "Just one more glass okay?"

Without waiting for her reaction or judgement, I grab the champagne bottle and speedily fill my glass again to the very brim and swag the fluid straight into my mouth. Feeling quite pleased with myself I place the bottle onto the table and can’t help but notice Rosie’s glass out of the corner of my eye is still full. I lick my lips wanting to down hers too, but am conflicted with her possible reaction that is oh-so common. Resisting the urge, I stand quickly and wait while she gathers her purse from the empty spot next to her.

"Oh crap, that's my phone," she starts, as she begins fumbling her hands inside her oversized clutch. I roll my eyes.

Her phone is always ringing!

"Just a sec Pen," she states and as she takes the call. “Hello, Rosalie Pravadi….”

She turns her back to me as I tune out her call, only keeping my focus on the table and Rosie’s full glass of alcohol still bubbling away. Taking the opportunity with her back turned, I quickly lean down and throw the drink harshly down my throat still bent over awkwardly.

Ugh.

It didn't taste as good as the previous ones I had guzzled.

Maybe because I am bent over in an awkward position?
My evil conscious says, making a mild excuse.

Or because you’ve down an entire bottle in less than five minutes!
Damn. My good conscious always has to have the last say and make me feel more pathetic than ever.

It’s so juvenile and unlike me to want to get so obviously drunk. I smirk at how my adolescent self would be cheering on how blatant I have been to down so much alcohol over such little time. The obvious contradiction is
where
I have chosen to exercise such immature behaviour and
with
the choice of expensive champagne. As I hear the mumble of Rosie's elegant phone voice I notice that the air around feels different somehow. It’s thicker, harder to breathe all of a sudden and there is an icy chill in the immediate air. I feel a strange urge to turn around. Before I realise, I turn my head swiftly not moving my body and as the room stops its 180 degree spin due to my intoxicated state, I am met with those intense eyes burning into mine.

I gasp.

Oh shit!

Jay is standing behind me, his stance effortlessly cool and casual. He really is an attractive guy.

Verrrry sexy.....

His eyes are so stony and the intensity is almost unbearable to stare into, but like a tragic car accident, I can’t seem to look away. The room surrounding him, surrounding us, is blurry. The obvious consequence of the near bottle of expensive champagne I had just downed.

"Are you leaving?" he asks, with a hint of slight amusement. I think he may be teasing me. He is so still. His hands are rigid by his side and his body statuesque, at least a head taller than me – even in my heels. Whilst he wasn’t quite as tall as
him
, he had his own unique presence that simply radiated from every inch of his being. I found myself staring at him, unable to look away, probably with my mouth wide open.

"Yes…" I start as I edge an inelegant cough, clearing my throat trying to snap myself out of my haze. "As soon as Rosie is off the phone." I roll my eyes without looking toward her but can still hear her muttering away.

"I was hoping to have that drink with you," he responds coolly, still not moving his penetrating eyes away from me. I shiver uncomfortably.

"Maybe some other time," I reply coyly before adding much more quickly. "I think I’ve had far too much tonight anyway and it’s really not me, you know to drink so much and you're well... you. I’m no model by any means, and I’m probably not going to be the
type
of company you were expecting… and…"

Why am I sprawling on?

He doesn't want to hear this!

Although he might if he was planning on taking advantage of me!

"It’s probably best if I just go home."  I nod my head to confirm my drunken blether.

His mouth turns up in the corners like he’s trying to stifle a smile.  "Ah, so your friend thinks she has me all figured out."

Shit!

He tears his gaze away from mine and immediately gives an angered glare over in Rosie’s direction, who is still unaware of our conversation.

What’s that supposed to mean?

Did you know I didn’t know who you were?

She figured you out?

What does that mean?

On the fact that you were probably trying to take advantage of me, and I am now informed on your intentions..?

I screw up my face as words scatter irately in my mind. His eyes turn back to mine once more and that uneasy feeling washes over me, as his gaze passes right through me. It gives me a never ending ripple of goose bumps across my skin. Every. Single. Time.

"What about tomorrow?" he asks casually immediately flaring up my irrational thoughts.

Huh?

What does he mean tomorrow?

To resume his taking advantage of me?

What’s his problem?

Why is he so persistent?

I shake my head trying to reign in the negative questions simmering away and everything suddenly goes blurry again. Once the room comes into better focus I am forced to look into his powerful eyes. Even in my current state, I can feel the pure magnificence of the piercing blue shoot straight into my soul and wonder why that beauty is so far beneath the surface. A smile comes across my face as I construct a reply.

"Tomorrow? What did you, ah, have in mind?" A childish giggle leaks from my throat and I instantly wonder how he can find this drunkenness even the smallest bit appealing.

Wanting to take advantage
,
my good conscious reminds me.

Right, that’s how.

"I’m only in Sydney for a few days, and I’m bored of hotel rooms," he responds seemingly ignoring my behaviour. "Maybe you could show me around?”

I instantly begin to wonder how I will be in the morning. I haven’t left the house for months. This is the very first outing I have had in ages and I wonder if I will be facing the same torturous routine tomorrow. Me hiding away in my room and sleeping away my life depressingly. I frown at the images forming in my mind. "I’m not sure if I can..." I mumble to myself as I peer down toward my fidgeting hands, as my ill memories form a sour taste on my tongue. Suddenly, I feel that almost familiar striking touch on the bottom of my chin as it is carefully tilted so my eyes are forced to look directly at his.

Wow, our bodies are so close.

I gulp.

The intensity of his gaze burns deep into mine and my heart begins to thump so loud in my chest. His dangerous odour fills my lungs as I inhale, and probably due to my drunken state, I breathe in even further for the pure thrill alone. It’s intoxicating.

"I would really like to see you again Penelope before I have to leave." His breath is fragrant. His voice calm and somehow those words don’t arouse anything in me except suspicion. Maybe even danger.

Why won’t this guy just leave me alone?

I’m not ready to spend time with any guy, let alone a guy who only wants me for sex. Not to mention, what would we talk about all day?

Talk?

That’s right, he’s not interested in talking. He’s made that quite clear!

Thoughts continue to have their way with me and mixed with the alcohol I can’t manage to stem any coherent sentences together. For some reason my body is drawn to him, but this is not a good situation. It’s not the best circumstances for my fragile state to be chased by this man who will have his way with me, and then toss me aside like yesterday’s paper. I need to work on getting through each day, one at a time; I can’t handle anymore possible torture, and I am definitely not the girl to take part in casual sex.

Am I over-reacting?

Everything is meshing together into an illogical pile, until I hear nothing but a dim hum. Jay’s hand is still delicately placed on my chin and I focus on nothing but a pair of blue oceans, staring into them like there is no one else around. It feels as though we are the only two people in the room absorbing each other and despite my fear I am unable to move away.

"A-hem."

I hear Rosie's perfectly timed interruption and a sigh of relief comes over me. His hand immediately falls to his side and I gather my composure as he leaves me to support my chin on my own. Our surroundings suddenly start to reappear as his eyes leave mine for a moment, gazing disapprovingly at Rosie. I feel the throb start to pound in my head and I spring my hand up to my temple; the thump hard and unrelenting. A tsunami of emotion floods me. The tears over my beloved, the first outing I’ve encountered in months, Rosie’s disappointment with me and then this mystery guy, Jay….

Where do I begin?

The hammer strikes again with much more force and I am unable to cope with it any longer. I need to get out of here. I need to go home. I reach down to my purse on the lounge and stash it under my arm.

"Are you ready now?" I ask in a pitchy, over-the-top voice I don’t recognise. She gives me slight shake of her head.

Whatever!

Ignoring her and him. Ignoring everything! I turn away and stomp off toward the grand door that I had entered through earlier. I just needed to escape. I needed to run before I was forced to face anything too painful like before. I never had the chance to run last time and I will never let something like that happen to me again. Tonight’s been far too overwhelming for my first real step back into reality and I’m surprised that I have managed to keep it together this long.

Well almost together.

I reach the doorway and yank on the handle forcefully. As the door is swung open I am hit with the raucous of the patrons in the rest of the venue. The inexorable chatter, the rowdy music and the sea of people I entered into, has multiplied over the course of the evening. My hands still firmly gripping the door I feel myself fall backwards into the room as everything hits me like a tsunami. My grasp starts to slip off the handle so I close my eyes expecting to hit the floor beneath me. In slow motion I brace myself for impact. Expecting to feel the lavish floor beneath me, my fall has been intercepted by a comforting yet firm object as two strong arms secure themselves tightly around my waist. It’s a body that has suspended me mid-fall from behind and stopped the further decline to the ground. It’s that odd familiarity I have come to know tonight, as the denser air accompanies my saviour. Without even turning around, I know it’s him. My dangerous mystery guy number two has come to my faux rescue once more.

As I reopen my eyes I am facing the closed door, still oddly protected in his arms. The feeling of being so close to someone again and the conflicting sentiment of feeling safe against his firm chest, tugs on my already torn heart strings more than I can bear. I quickly shrug loose and stand, being forced to face him completely embarrassed by the incident. Rosie no sooner joins alongside us.

"Sorry," I mutter under my breath.

That will teach you to drink like a teenager Penny!

I squirm staring at the ground, irrationally noticing that my stiletto heels sink slightly into the velvet beneath me which was
supposed
to catch my fall. I hear Rosie fumble through her bag.

Her stupid phone probably.

Can’t we just leave?

I don’t look up nor do I hear the phones ringtone either. I keep my head down and focus on my feet shamelessly, consumed with humiliation.

I just need to get out of here.

After a few moments of her fumbling in silence she finally speaks. "Well we have to go. I have to get her home. But, maybe we might hear from you…" she trails before I feel her warm arm around my waist as she whispers sympathetically. “Come on.”

As I cautiously glide my eyes upwards preparing to finally face him, I sigh painfully as he is already walking away. I watch in silent despair as his back slowly drifts away from me. As he reaches beyond the stage where he once sang the most beautiful melodies, he disappears into his private solitude. He was gone.

I follow Rosie's lead out the door, her arm still snug around me. The boisterous noise pains me but I bury myself into her side to help soften the blows, squinting my focus on the floor trying to stay on my feet. As I turn my gaze to my surroundings the room itself isn’t as impressive as it was on arrival, as the after effects of the alcohol are having their free reign on my body. The room is fuzzy, the crowd is melting into shifting distorted objects and I can’t make out anything clearly. As we manoeuvre around the moving images I lean most of my weight on her and she manages with ease due to her strong athletic build and my slight figure. My thoughts shift to the amount of weight I’ve lost in recent months since...

The break up.

I swallow heavily.

Such a small word doesn’t do the event justice and as I feel the swell of tears build to breaking point I struggle to hold onto any form of composure. The thrashing in my head and the distorted vision is suddenly washed away as my face is struck with an ice cold breeze. We have made it outside the club. I sigh with relief and let the flood of tears pour with pace down my cheeks. I let go of her to urgently wipe my face with the backs of my hands, moving them to my jeans, and then back to my face; to try and keep the constant stream of water from leaking all over my white shirt. I pace well ahead of Rosie now, heading directly for the streets kerb. I can hear her on her phone behind me calling a taxi and when I have no strength to move my feet any longer - I stop. Burying my head in my hands in utter exhaustion. As soon as Rosie reaches me she shifts her body beside me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and allowing my covered face to bury itself amongst her short wavy hair. Uncontrollable sobs endlessly escape my body, my breathing erratic as I sniff hysterically. Its then all the strange events of that night don’t even seem to matter, as the sombre heartbreak I’d gone through these past few months floods back forcefully. I stand there embraced by my dearest friend, listening to the sounds of her hushing my sadness and completely embracing the emptiness I'd now become.

As I peek open my eyes I sigh with relief, as I am in familiar territory. Still half asleep, I snuggle into my doona and breathe in deeply, smelling the known scent of my sheets. Fragments of memories seem to scatter in my sore head and I begin to shudder. The images, along with my heated cheeks and puffy eyes all starting to build a reality that I prayed didn’t happen.

Please tell me it was a dream.

I lift the blankets upwards to see I am still wearing my white cropped blouse and skinny jeans. I sigh again - now heavily.

So it wasn’t a dream then...

Great!

I start remembering my night out and as a result, bury my head under my pillow with the shame and embarrassment filling me instantly. As my mind scans over the events that took place the intensity of Jay’s eyes is all that I keep coming back to. It gives me shivers and not in a good way. You would need to be blind to not notice how good looking he is, but I am not in the state of mind to appreciate his beauty in its entirety. It’s the intensity beneath his stare that seems to pierce straight through me which is what I can’t shake. I hear a faint knock on my bedroom door, and as I look over toward it I see Rosie poke her head in the tiny gap between my door and the architrave.

"Safe to come in?”