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"He, he wanted to propose, but felt so guilty about what happened... he... he wanted to tell you before he asked." She is crying hysterically now and pauses with each sentence trying to gather oxygen.

"When he told you and you walked out... he came... he came to see me. To tell me. That it had happened."

I stare bewildered with my mouth wide open.

Is this even happening?

"He was angry at me. At him. For, for what had... happened. He threw the note at me... ashamed.... guilty. He was so angry at what we had done..." she trails as she shakes her head uncontrollably.

"Penny, he loves you so much! We... we both do! I was emotional. I was so alone after Carlos left. He was there. I just... I needed someone...."

I stand still. Slipping back into my trance. Shocked. Suspended in the air above.

Is this even happening?

What is happening?

I am motionless, waiting for me to wake up hoping this is another dream like the one I had earlier; as this too, makes completely no sense to me.

"Penny, please. Say something," she pleads again through her cries. Thoughts cloud my mind making it difficult to make a sentence construct properly.

Rosie?

Evan?

The affair?

Rosie?!

This entire time she has been my rock. The one that has helped me endlessly get through it all. Trying to help me move forward and get my life back. She has been the one I have felt guilty for being an unworthy friend and this entire time
she
was the one that had caused it. She had lied to me. Tears rush hard down my face once more as any words struggle to form without the complete connection to my brain.

"So this whole time... you... felt... guilty?" I pause. "That’s why... you..."

Suddenly the images of Rosie taking me into her home so soon after our relationship broke down flash frame in my mind. How over-accommodating she was. How she would buy me so many things to make me feel better. Her mothering me and caring for me. All of it. It was all because she did this.

It’s her fault!

It wasn’t friendship.

It was guilt!

SHE did this!

How could she do this?

I suddenly mirror Rosie's hysterics as I can't keep it together anymore.

"How could you do this?"

"I’m so sorry Penny...."

"How could you LIE to me?!" I shriek angrily.

"Penny please. I... I didn't know how to tell you. It was one mistake! You're my best friend!" she howls.

She is a complete mess. Her face is flushed, swollen and unrecognisable. A stranger.

How could she do this?

All this time....

"Please Penny, I’m sorry. I was going to tell you I even t-told Evan, that I wanted to te..."

"You saw Evan?!" I interrupt.

Has she been seeing him behind my back all this time?

"Are you two still together? Still fucking him are you?" I ask harshly and more nasty than I would ever thought possible.

"No! Penny, he wanted to meet me. To tell me he wanted you back. He couldn't wait any longer. I told him I had to tell you. I was sc-scared. And then he showed up here. It’s j-just all such a mess... I didn’t know what to do. Where t-to start. How to say. I c-can’t lose you," she sobs. Her words not cohesive.

"How could you do this?" I cry.

Not wanting to hear or take anymore lies, I grab my phone off the foyer table where I had discovered my worst nightmare. Stashing it safe in my grasp and using every millimetre of strength I have left - I just run. Fumbling for my purse and keys on the entrance table as I pass her.

"Penny, please wait!" I hear her hysterically call to me as I sprint out the front door and into the evening air. As the door slams loud behind me I am faced with a harsh reality.

Where can I go?

I am so alone.

I can’t go and see my parents. For one, they are in Brisbane and there is no way I want to let them see me like this. It would just destroy them. I don’t have any other family here to lean on.

I have no one.

Maggie?

I know she and Ryan are friends with Evan, but she’s the only one I have kind of been in touch with these past few months and besides… I have nowhere else!

I keep my feet moving, heading down the street aimlessly to lessen any risk of her catching up with me. Trying to escape it all. Water flowing continuously down my face as I click on the contacts menu on my phone, the images blurry from my swollen eyes. I dialled Maggie’s number semi-consciously and after only a ring or two, I hear her voice.

“Penny?” Maggie answers. She sounds happy, yet surprised I called; the instant sound of her voice making my cries far louder.

“Penny, is that you? What’s wrong? Are you alright?”

“Rosie... it was Rosie.....” I mumble tasting the salty water on my dry tongue.

“Pen, calm down, deep breaths I can’t understand you,” her tone high pitched with worry.

I sniff hoarsely trying to take a breath. “R-Rosie. How could she?” I sob sorrowfully.

Maggie is silent for a moment as I cry deep and constant on the phone before I finally hear her gasp.

“Oh my God. She told you.”

As I continue my staggered walk down the darkened street, my wounded heart tugs at Maggie’s response.

“Did you know about… this?” I question hurtfully.

“Penny, where are you? I will come and get you,” she firmly responds taking no notice of my query.

My head is thumping relentlessly, but I repeat my earlier question not wanting to deal with any more deceit. “Maggie, did you know?” I wipe my dreary eyes and damp nose roughly and glance back over my shoulder. Now being several houses away from hers, I drop on the gutter exhausted; sighing with relief to be off my shattered limbs.

“Penny, can’t we just talk about this when I get you? It will take me at least an hour.”

I can hear the fumbling of keys in the background.

“Where are you?”

“No. Maggie. Please. I can’t. I can’t take any more lies. Please tell me, did you know?” I weep.

She pauses for a moment, before sighing heavily. “Penny, yes I did know. Of course I knew. Evan had confided in Ryan as soon as you left. Obviously Ryan told me.”

Her words are sincere yet pained. Ryan, Maggie’s fiancé is best friends with Evan. I should know, the boys introduced us not long after Evan and I got serious. It was extremely fortunate that Maggs and I became such good friends, especially because the boys are so close. The two of them are like brothers. Evan being an only child had an incredibly tight bond with Ryan, so it would be stupid for me to think that he wouldn't divulge something like that to him.

But her?

“But why Maggs? Why didn’t you tell me?” I plead.

“Pen, it wasn’t my place. I have begged Rosie for weeks to tell you. I hated the fact that you were staying there under the circumstances. But with us being so close with Evan and your parents so far away, we just wanted to make sure you were okay. You were so depressed Penny. We didn’t know what you would do if something else completely shattered you. It just wasn’t my place Penny. Our first concern was always you. Please try and understand,” she oozes. “Where are you?”

Too dissipated to push her further I stare at the bitumen road in an in-cohesive state. “Just down the street. Just in the street….” I mumble incoherently.

“Oh God! Please stay where you are, I will be there as fast as I can okay. Call me if you need me,” she states before hanging up hurriedly. I slump in the gutter holding my phone and keys in my hands, legs sprawled straight out in front of me on the road and resting my full palms on my thighs - blankly.

Did this all really happen?

The tears have halted once more, yet my eyes are blurry and feel sore from their burden. My body is fatigued, drained more than I could think possible at this point and I sit on the kerb slouched like I’m dead. The only distraction that halts my daze is the odd car or two that zooms past me. Their headlight’s causing my already damaged eyes to narrow painfully until they pass.

Why has this happened?

How could Rosie lie to me?

And all this time?

Evan?

Evan wanted to tell me the truth?

He did tell me, he was honest about the indiscretion.

Rosie has been lying to me!

Rosie!

I reminisce about the past few months. Rosie being such a great friend to me, well, so I thought, but this whole time she was lying. She had been the reason for my despair and heartbreak.

And all this time I had felt guilty about I treated her!

My thoughts drift to Evan that day he had come over suddenly. He wanted to talk to me as his heavy eyes looked desperately sad. He had wanted so much to tell me. It had been killing him. Rosie was so adamant about not speaking to him and trying to move forward, but she really wanted me not to find out. She didn’t want me to discover she was the reason for all of this. I bury my head down into my thighs, resting my forehead on my hands just needing it to all stop. Wanting it to end.

Please let it end.

I hear a car approach, headlights beaming towards me, but I don’t move straight away. I wait silently for the car to zoom by like the few others that had already passed, but this one’s engine sounds like it slows. I glance up from my bended position narrowing my sore eyes at the lights now shining in my face. As the car approaches more slowly I notice it begin to pull to the kerb towards me. I still; watching this vehicle slow further until it comes to a halt beside me. The lights switch off. As soon as my vision comes to a better focus, I spy the recognisable white bonnet and BMW badge. Moving my stunned gaze towards the front window I see those large eyes staring despairingly in my direction. I hear the click of the door as he strides heavily towards me; like a scene from a suspense film I hear his footsteps closer and closer, louder and louder until he takes up the spare kerb a metre away from me.

“Penny, are you alright?”

The raspy voice from the man I knew so well, and the man I loved more than life itself - it was Evan.

I stare at him un-emotively as he speaks; the tears only trickling slightly from my eyes delicately.

“Penny? Are you alright?” he carefully repeats.

“Evan? What are you doing here?” I hoarsely whisper.

“Maggie called. She knew I would be on my way home from work and she wasn’t comfortable with you sitting out here until she arrived. She will be a little while,” he starts cautiously. I’m distracted momentarily by my phone starting to ring in my hands. Just seeing the name flash vibrantly on the screen was enough to churn my already unsettled stomach. I immediately decline the call and turn off the phone so as to avoid any further calls from her.

“Penny?” he starts as he slides himself toward me on the concrete, so slowly and carefully, yet in immediate reaction I move a slither to the opposite direction. He stops instantly.

“You don’t have to babysit me I will be fine.”

He sighs. “I know. But it’s not safe. I will just sit here. We don’t have to talk. Just so you aren’t alone.”

Alone….

Alone…?

The last word sinks into my clouded brain.

I am alone!

That one true honest word was fact. I had never felt more alone than I did in this very moment. Literally everything I ever knew or thought had been wrong. It had been a lie.

“I am alone….” I mumble. “I have no-one. I can’t trust anyone.” I could feel the rumble start to erupt.

“Penny, please don’t say that. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but you have everyone. You have me, you have Ros…” he starts.

“Don’t you dare even say her name to me Evan!” I scream tearfully. He raises his hands up like he was in some kind of defeat and the blurry image of the mystery guy at the bar comes to my distraught mind; before drifting to the captivating blue eyes that saved me from the encounter. I shake my head bringing me back to reality and back to Evans fretful gaze like they had never left me.

“I’m so sorry Penny. It’s just, we all love you. I love you…” he trails. His words are warm, honest and they feel so familiar in amongst all of this insanity.

“Evan. How could you? Honestly, how?” I plead, as I stare back into his eyes, lovingly and honestly. Hoping I could finally get some answers. How could this man that I had loved so wholly, a man who was everything to me, destroy what we had? Destroy our future together? We should have been planning a wedding right now and not dealing with all of this angst.

“Penny, do you really want to talk about this now? I mean after all you have been through tonight with Ro… with it all?” he reasons softly.

“Evan, please. After everything, I need to know.”

I'm too drained to contemplate emotions or to feel. I needed clarity. I needed answers. Truth. It turns out that Maggie and Ryan knew this entire time too, which means that I wanted to not be the only one to be in the dark. I see his expression flatten as it did when he gave into my requests. He always preferred to let me have things my way to avoid arguments and to avoid making me unhappy. He always put my needs and wants before his own. It was one of the things I loved about him the most. My heart lets out a painful throb.

“Penny, it was the worst day of my life. Completely irrational. Stupid.” He shakes his head at his obvious memory regretfully. I shudder.

“Please Evan…”

He takes a laboured, heartbreaking breath.

“The night you went to help Maggie move her things into her new place with Ry. You were stuck there and decided to stay the night...”

I nod at the memory. “Yeah, we got held up and it was too far for me to drive back to Sydney, so I….” I start, before hesitating as the past event starts to form in my foggy mind.

“You asked me to call in to Rosie’s to check on her. She had just broken up with Carlos,” he finishes my sentence before taking another heavy breath. “I called over, like you asked, and she had just started drinking. I didn’t think I should leave her there. She wasn’t in a good way. I offered to stay and make her some dinner, you know to try to get her to eat something,” his voice shakily halts. Staring at him so intently, I listen to his every word and every breath in my manic state.

“We talked. We talked for hours. I guess I had a couple of drinks with her…. and….”

“Stop!” I raise my hand up in front of face filling the space between us. “I can’t. I can’t hear anymore.” I shake my head, fighting the tears from falling once more.

“Penny….” he pleads reaching out his arms towards me. I shrug him off and he responds immediately by dropping his outstretched embrace. “In that moment I just wasn’t myself. I wasn't thinking! I let myself get comfortable with her being our friend and I didn't expect her to...." he stops. Not wanting to put the blame on her I assume, before changing his approach.

"You and I had been together for so long. I hadn’t been with anyone else for so long and I….”

“And you what? Felt like having sex with my best friend was a good place to start!” I spit at him.

“No. No. Of course not!” He shakes his head angrily, at himself mostly. Months of built up angst was finally being poured out into the air and emotionally everything was coming to its head.

“It just happened. I was drunk and wasn’t thinking! I made a mistake that I will regret forever. The biggest. Fucking. Mistake.”

I drop my head sorrowfully at his words turning my focus to the road, allowing the blurry images of their tryst to form in my mind the way Evan had described it.

“Penny….” He reaches his arm towards me yet again but I flinch away from him.

“Please. I have been a mess without you. I have made one mistake in all these years. One!” His words sound less glum now, but a little agitated. It immediately ignites my automatic rebuttal.

“So I guess that makes it forgivable then? Makes it alright does it?” I glare down at him. Through him. Both with saddened and angered eyes.

“That’s not what I…”

“Because you had been the perfect boyfriend for so many years, you are allowed to go and sleep with my best friend?” I push sarcastically.

“Penny, no, of course….” Evan tries to reason with me but I am too far gone now to even let him speak.

“That it’s probably my fault! That I wasn’t enough for you?!”

“Pen…”

“That everything, this whole thing has been my fault? That I am just not worth you wanting to be with. That I don’t mean anything to you,” I sob relentlessly. Tears filling my mouth, dripping down onto my clothes. I throw my head into my hands and lean down into my lap still slouched on the side of the kerb. Despite most of my angered words being aimed at Evan, I felt that at least some of what I was saying wasn’t really meant for him. It was meant for someone else too.

“Penny… no….no…..”

His words are soft and unbearably painful. The last three months of turmoil and anguish over that day has come to its inevitable end.

“Penny.”

I could hear soft sobs in Evans raspy voice. Still wailing in my lap, wet hands covering my flustered face I could feel his familiar touch around my shoulders. Instead of refusing the comfort, I just wept. He moved slightly closer, snuggling his chest closer to my shielded face stroking my hair, his arm firmly around me protectively. Minutes, maybe an hour, who really knew how long I let Evan hold me in my reckless emotional state; I just sobbed until I was unable to cry anymore.  Wiping my face carefully, trying to make myself a little more respectable looking, failing more than likely, I suddenly felt embarrassed for such a display. I edge a small throaty cough and shift my shoulder slightly giving Evan the hint that I had enough. He understood immediately and removed his hand from me and sat upright, allowing me to raise my head from my lap. I could only stare into those eyes which were impossible not to fall in love with. This time, my heart didn’t cry out in agony. I didn’t have any more words. I didn’t want to speak. I didn’t even want him to say anything else. I allowed him to gaze into my eyes, to really see the hurt and pain I had gone through. To finally allow him to feel it for himself. His eyes were weary and beautifully glassy that I too, allowed myself to really see his anguish and guilt over the events that had passed. To feel his regret.

My vision is blurred suddenly by car headlights that seem to be slowing towards the kerb, directly behind Evans parked car. It immediately snaps us out of our locked gawp and after hearing the faints of a car door close, I hear the click clack on the sidewalk of someone walking hastily toward us.