Cwtch Me If You Can (8 page)

Sean's eyebrows knit together behind his glasses. ‘Alex. Come on.'

The look he gives me is one that says,
Tell me the truth, and stop bullshitting around.

So I do.

‘I'm jinxed,' I blurt.

‘Jinxed? What, like, bad luck?' I can see him fighting back a smirk, but try not to let it annoy me.

‘My love life, I mean. Every guy I've ever been out with has broken my heart and you can't tell me that this won't go the same way. I mean, have you
met
you? You're perfect. You were my knight in shining armour right from the start.'

He blushes, ducking his head to look at his feet. But he's smiling.

‘And let's face it, Sean, any relationship we have is over before it starts. It's not like either of us has the time, and then you'll move back to Swansea. And then you'll be getting on with your teaching stuff and move somewhere else for a job, and…' I sigh. ‘I'm sorry, but I can't be
just friends
with you.'

Time seems to slow to almost a total stop. Sean drags his gaze up to meet mine sooooo slowly, and it feels like he sets all my nerves on fire. I'm burning up from the inside just from that one look.

Sean straightens up, and leans closer. It's only a slight movement, but makes him tower over me. I forget how to breathe. I hope he doesn't kiss me. I feel so alive, so electric, that I'm sure I'll shatter into a million pieces if he kisses me. I won't be able to handle more than this.

I've been in love plenty of times before, but not one of those guys could make me feel like this with just a look.

The gold flecks in Sean's eyes seem brighter, more noticeable, and they make it look like his eyes are full of flames. I'm tempted to let my gaze drop down his body and take in every inch of him, but my eyes are glued to his.

I have never wanted a guy to both kiss me and not kiss me more in my entire life.

Then, after a painfully long silence, he says in a whisper, ‘You know, I'm coming back here to do my PGCE.'

And what will that give me, I wonder, a year, two years? It wouldn't be enough.

I don't give my heart over lightly. With me, it's all or nothing, and always has been. And with Sean… He'll break my heart worse than anyone else.

I don't realise I've said all that aloud until he steps closer, and says, ‘Maybe. But isn't it better than regretting that you didn't?'

My mouth falls open, but no words come out. I hesitate.

I shouldn't have come to this party. I should've stayed home. Far away from Sean.

But everywhere I go, I run into him. In work, on nights out, here… I can't get away from him. It's like – like the universe is throwing us together all the time, and no matter how many times I try to run away, I'll still be running towards him.

Almost like there
is
such a thing as fate.

The romantic in me is back, and she's here to stay, I realise.

So now, the way I see it, I have two choices – keep running, or stand still.

His hand on my face startles me, and I blink, focusing back on Sean. His thumb skims over my cheekbone. His skin is cool, but his touch sets my whole body on fire again. And I'm leaning into him, head tilting up, almost automatically.

I can see hope flickering in his eyes, but there's tension in the rest of his face, like he can't let himself hope too much. Because he thinks I'll reject him again. He's sure I will.

But he has to ask me.

‘So?' he breathes. ‘What's it gonna be?'

I'm standing still. I'm not running any more.

In answer, I kiss him.

This kiss isn't on the cheek. Sean is still for a moment. Shocked, I guess. But just as I start to pull away, his arm wraps around me and the hand he's got on my cheek slips around to the back of my head, knotting into my hair. And he's kissing me back in a way that makes me think I've never really been kissed before.

It's intense and desperate and so, so gentle, all at once. I don't melt in his arms, though – I push back into him with everything I've got, hoping that time doesn't start moving again. This is something I never want to end.

But it does – my clutch bag starts vibrating at my feet. When did I drop my bag? And when did Sean press me up against the door?

We pull apart and I bend down to get my phone. Sean steps back, giving me space, and I look up at him with a guilty smile. ‘I'm sorry, it's Cathy… I should get this.'

I answer, but before I can get out a hello, she shrieks, ‘Where the hell are you? Did you go home? Are you at home? I've been looking all over for you and I can't find you! Where are you?'

She's so loud that I have to pull the phone away from my ear. That's when I see the three texts she's sent me that I've missed. All in the last ten minutes, all asking where I am.

‘Calm down,' I say. ‘I'm still here.'

‘Well where the hell are you?'

‘I'm with Sean.'

There's a long pause.

‘Alexandra Singh, I am only going to ask you one question, and I want an honest answer. Are you naked right now?'

‘No!' I sound really shrill, and I blush. ‘God, Cathy.'

‘Sorry, just checking. So what are you doing, just hanging out with him?'

‘Sort of.'

‘Please tell me I haven't
interrupted
something,' she groans.

‘No, Cathy! Jeez. We're just…'

‘If that sentence isn't PG, don't finish it.'

‘Kissing,' I mumble.

There's another long pause.

Then a scream – a scream I'm pretty sure I can hear from within the house and not just from the phone. ‘What does this mean? Are you two together?'

She reels off more questions, and I say over the top of them, ‘Cathy. Cathy. Cathy,' until she stops.

‘I'm upstairs with Sean and we're gonna watch a movie. When you're ready to leave, give me another call, and we'll head home. Okay? And I'll talk to you then.'

‘Okay.'

‘Okay.'

I hang up, and turn my mobile off silent, so that when she rings again later, I'll hear it. Sean's sitting on his bed now – on the edge, his hands beside his thighs – and raises his eyebrows.

‘She was wondering where I was.'

‘Ah.'

He probably heard the whole conversation because, let's face it, Cathy's a loud drunk, even on the phone. But I'm too nervous to ask, in case he didn't hear. I'd rather pretend he didn't know.

Because that'd be pretty embarrassing.

Instead, I sit on the bed next to Sean, and say, ‘So, are we watching this movie, or not?'

A couple of hours later, when the credits are rolling and I'm combing through my tousled hair with my fingers before I go to meet Cathy downstairs, I realise just how much I don't want to leave Sean. I could stay here and cwtch up with him forever.

My intense work ethic for college is so going out the window with him around.

‘Um, so, you… do you still have my number? From when I gave it to you in Starbucks? Wait, no, what am I saying, of course you don't. You probably threw it away. Shall I – shall I give you my number?'

‘I have it,' I say quietly, with a smile. I love how nervous he gets, like he's terrified of saying the wrong thing and making me change my mind about him. On anyone else it'd be annoying – but on him, it's endearing.

‘You do?'

Should I be offended at how shocked he is? Do I come across as such a cold bitch?

‘I do.'

‘Oh. Right. Well.'

‘I thought about texting you. Lots of times. But – I was too scared.'

‘Scared I'd break your heart?'

‘Well, yeah.' I blush. When he says it that way, it makes me sound like a stupid little girl who thinks real life is all some fairy tale.

Sean's fingertips graze over my hot, pink cheeks, and I glance up through my eyelashes to see him smiling at me. It's a beautiful smile. His eyes are lit up and his eyes crinkle at the corners, and it makes me feel good inside. Like I should be smiling, too.

‘Call me tomorrow, then,' he says. ‘Or, you know, whenever. The day after, if you're too busy. But – text me, when you get home? So I know you're back safe.'

I kiss him again. I could spend a lifetime kissing Sean. ‘I will.'

When I get to the bedroom door, I realise that Sean's hanging back. I look over my shoulder at him. He's looking at his feet, at his wiggling toes, and his hands are locked on top of his head.

‘Alex?'

‘Yeah?'

‘You're not going to change your mind, are you?'

At this point, I realise that Sean likes me a lot. A lot more than I thought he did.

‘Definitely not. Remember – it's all or nothing with me.'

He smiles. ‘I'd be happy with just a little bit of you, as long as it was more than nothing.'

It's hardly a great vote for romance, but the way it makes me feel so warm and fuzzy, he might as well have said he loves me.

Epilogue

‘Congratulations!'

I turn around to see Sean beaming at me, and he wraps me in a hug that lifts me off my feet. I laugh, giddy with excitement, and lean my face down to kiss him.

It's graduation day for me. The sun is shining, which makes a nice change from all the recent drizzle. And Sean is here. It's a perfect day.

Sean sets me back on my feet, stroking my hair back over my shoulder, where the wind has blown it out of place. I grin up at him, hardly believing that I've made it here – not just to university, but to graduation, leaving with a two-one degree in psychology.

He kisses me again, and I shiver all the way down my spine. I will never get used to kissing him. I'm still not used to it after all these years. There are butterflies in my stomach that have nothing to do with graduating and everything to do with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend.

I'll never get used to calling Sean my boyfriend, either.

I cup his face in my hands now. His cheeks are rough with stubble, and pink from the wind. Even though it's sunny, it's not particularly warm.

Sean's teaching French in a comprehensive school not too far away. And I've got a job in the Human Resources department at the local offices of a car insurance firm. I start next month. I'll only be covering maternity leave, but they've said they're hoping to expand the department, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Everything is working out for us.

The romantic in me is certain that the entire universe has been rooting for the two of us right from the start.

‘What are you thinking about?' Sean asks me, noticing the faraway look in my eyes.

‘That I'm glad you were my waiter at Bella Italia that night, when I got dumped. It must've been fate.'

Sean chuckles. I feel it through his chest, where my hands are braced against him now. He's used to me saying things like this, talking about us like we're from a Nicholas Sparks novel or something.

‘Fate, huh?'

‘Fate,' I say, with more certainty. ‘It has to be. That I met you in the restaurant that night, that you came into my Starbucks… Every time I met you at first was by chance. I'm telling you, that's fate.'

He kisses me. ‘I love you.'

‘I love you, too.'

I'll never get used to saying that, either.

Cathy comes running over then, pushing Sean out of the way to throw her arms around me. ‘Ooh, I'm so happy for you, Alex! Well done!'

‘Thanks.' I grin at her.

‘I told you, you could do it, didn't I?' Her voice is a mix of proud and smug. Her blonde hair is tied up in a pretty bun, and she's smiling as widely as I am. Cathy's had a few boyfriends on and off over the last couple of years, and she's single now. But it doesn't seem to bother her – and she's not even a little bit jealous that I've found The One for me.

Because I'm sure he is – I'm sure that Sean is the only one I'll ever want again. He's everything and more I could ask for in a boyfriend.

We're even getting a flat together.

Which is pretty damn serious as far as my parents are concerned. ‘Serious enough,' my mum stated, when I told her the news. ‘I'm only fifty two, Alex. You'd better not surprise me with grandchildren any time soon.'

‘God, Mum!' I cried, and she hmmph-ed one last time and dropped the subject.

Now, I steal a glance at Sean as Cathy starts talking a mile a minute about the trip to Germany she's got planned for the summer as an au-pair. He smiles at me, looking at me like I'm his entire world. I know, because that's how I look at him.

And I couldn't be happier.

Quick Reads 2015

My Sporting Heroes –
Jason Mohammad

Captain Courage –
Gareth Thomas

Code Black: Winter of Storm Surfing
– Tom Anderson

Cwtch Me if you Can
– Beth Reekles