Dance Upon the Air (28 page)

She did know, she thought as he walked away from her. It was only one of the things that frightened her. Unable to cry, she sat miserably in the house she had made safe, and empty.

“I
've lost him.
I've ruined it.”

Nell sat in Mia's great, gorgeous cavern of a living room, in front of an ox-roasting fire sipping a cup of healing cinnamon tea. Isis stretched her lean, warm body over her lap like a cozy blanket.

None of it lifted her mood.

“Damaged it, perhaps. And nothing's lost that can be found again.”

“I can't fix this, Mia. Everything he said to me is true. I didn't want to think about it, to see it, but it's true. I had no right to let things get as serious as they did.”

“I don't happen to have a hair shirt handy, but I imagine we can make something up.” At Nell's shocked stare, Mia lifted one shoulder elegantly. “It's not that I don't sympathize with both of you, because I do. But the fact is, Nell, you fell in love, both of you. And both of you dealt with it the way you needed
to deal with it. You brought each other something that not everyone is given. That's nothing to regret.”

“I don't regret loving him, or being loved by him. I regret a lot of things, but not that.”

“All right, then. You need to take the next step.”

“There is no next step. I can't marry Zack because I'm legally tied to someone else. And even if Evan decides to divorce me in absentia or whatever, I still couldn't marry Zack. My identification is false.”

“Details.”

“Not to him.”

“Yes, you're right.” She tapped her pretty fingernails on the side of her cup as she considered. “Some things Zack would see, because he's Zack, as black and white. I'm sorry I didn't think this far ahead and warn you of that. I know him,” Mia continued as she rose to stretch. “I didn't anticipate that he'd move toward legal binding so quickly. I'm jaded when it comes to love.”

She poured more tea, pondered while she roamed the room and sipped.

There were two sofas, both in deep hunter green, that begged for a body to sink down and sink in. They were scattered with jewel-toned pillows, all in soft fabrics. Texture was essential to luxury, and when at leisure, Mia insisted on luxury.

The room was populated with antiques, because she preferred the old to the new unless it was in business equipment. The rugs on the wide-planked chestnut floor were satisfactorily faded. There were flowers everywhere, in priceless crystal or in cheerful colored bottles of no special value.

Some of the candles she surrounded herself with in every room were lit. The white ones, for peace.

“You've hurt him, Nell, on two levels. One by not falling into his arms in utter delight when he proposed.” She stopped, lifting one brow. “I told you I was jaded in this area, but nonetheless, when a man asks a woman to marry him, he's not going to be pleased when she says ‘No, thank you.“'”

“I'm not a complete idiot, Mia.”

“No, darling. I'm sorry.” Contrite, though secretly amused at the biting tone, Mia stopped behind the sofa and stroked Nell's hair. “Of course you're not. And I should have said three levels, the second being his sense of honor. He has just discovered himself poaching on what he would consider another man's territory.”

“Oh, really. I'm not a damn rabbit.”

“Zack would see himself breaking a code. The third level is that he would certainly have done so anyway,
if
he'd known. If you'd told him the circumstances. He could adjust his line there, because he loves you and wants you, and because he would be relieved that you'd escaped from a horrible situation. But the fact that you didn't tell him, that you let him go into this, let him fall in love with you blind, is going to be hard for him to swallow.”

“Why can't he see that my marriage to Evan means nothing? I'm not Helen Remington anymore.”

“Do you want comfort or truth?” Mia asked flatly.

“I can't have both. It may as well be truth.”

“You lied to him, and by lying you put him in an untenable position. More, you told him you didn't intend to end the marriage.”

“I can't—”

“Wait. You won't end it, and without an end there can't be a beginning. This is purely your choice, Nell, and no one can or should take it from you. But you've blocked Zack from being able to stand for you. To stand with you or, more to his liking, I imagine, to step in front of you and face your demon. Nell.”

She sat again, taking Nell's hands. “Do you think he wears a badge for amusement, for the pathetic pay, for the power?”

“No. But he doesn't understand what Evan can do, what he's capable of. Mia, there's a madness inside him. A kind of cold, deliberate madness that I can't begin to explain.”

“People tend to think the word ‘evil' is overdramatic,” Mia said, “when actually, it's extremely simple.”

“Yes.” A few knots untangled. She should have known by now that she didn't have to explain to Mia. “And he doesn't understand that I can't bear the idea of seeing Evan again, of hearing his voice. I think I'd break this time. I think it would shatter me.”

“You're stronger than that.”

Nell shook her head. “He . . . shrinks me. I don't know if you can understand what I mean.”

“Yes, I do. Do you want a spell, a charm, to bolster yourself? To shield yourself from one man so you can have the other?” Mia reached over, stroked Isis along her sleek back. The cat raised her head, exchanged what seemed to be a telling look with her mistress, then curled up.

“There are things that can be done,” Mia said, briskly now. “To protect, to center yourself, to
enhance your own energies. But beneath it all, Nell, the power's inside you. For now . . .”

She slipped the silver chain and its silver disk over her head. “You gave Zack your talisman, so I'll give you one of mine. It was my great-grandmother's.”

“I can't take it from you.”

“On lend,” Mia said, slipping the chain over Nell's head. “She was a very canny witch, my great-grandmama. Married well. Made a killing on the stock market, and kept it, for which I continue to be grateful. I wouldn't like being poor. She acted as doctor on the island before we had one with a medical degree living here. She treated warts, delivered babies, stitched up gashes, and nursed half the population through a dangerous run of influenza among other things.”

“It's lovely. What does the carving mean?”

“It's an old language, similar to what was written on the ogham stones in ancient Ireland. It means courage. And now that you're wearing my courage, I'll give you my advice. Sleep. Let him wrestle with his feelings while you examine your own. When you go to him—and as much as he loves you he won't come back to you—be clear in your mind what it is you want, and what you're willing to do for it.”

“You're being
an asshole, Zack.”

“Okay. Now will you shut up?”

Ripley considered never shutting up a sister's privilege. “Listen, I know she screwed up. But don't you want to know why?” She slapped her hands on his desk, leaning down so she could get in his face in a
satisfactory manner. “Don't you want to push, dig, maneuver until she tells you why she's still married?”

“She had plenty of time to tell me if she wanted to.” Zack concentrated on his computer. His business on the mainland hadn't just been buying a ring; he had also testified in a court case. Now that it was done, he could update his file.

Ripley made a sound somewhere between a groan and a scream. “You make me crazy. I don't know how you don't make yourself crazy. You're in love with a married woman.”

He spared her a withering glance. “That fact is very clear in my mind right about now. Go do your patrol.”

“Look, it's obvious she doesn't want the other guy. She ditched him. Also obvious is that she's moony about you and vice versa. Nell's been here, what, five months? And from all appearances she's digging in for the duration. Whatever came before is over.”

“She's legally married. That doesn't spell over for me.”

“Yeah, yeah, Dudley Do-Right.” The fact that she admired his code of honor didn't mean it couldn't exasperate her. “So let it ride for a while. Just let things go as they've been going. Why the hell do you have to marry her, anyway? Oh, wait, I forgot who I'm talking to. But if you want my advice—”

“I don't. I really don't.”

“Fine. Stew in your own juice, then.” She grabbed her jacket, then immediately tossed it down again. “I'm sorry. I can't stand to see you hurting.”

Because he knew that, he gave up on pretending to update files, rubbed his hands over his face. “I can't
make a life with someone who has another life that she hasn't finished. I can't take a woman to bed who's legally married to another man. And I can't love someone the way I love Nell and not want, not expect, marriage, home, and children. I can't do those things, Rip.”

“No, you can't.” She came to him then, wrapping her arms around his neck from the back, resting her chin on top of his head. “Maybe I could.” Though she couldn't imagine loving anyone enough to make the choice. “But I understand you can't. What I don't understand is why if you love her, and you want her, you can't sit her down and make her explain it. You deserve to know.”

“I'm not going to make her do anything, not only because I don't work that way but because I have a feeling the man she's married to did plenty of making her.”

“Zack.” Ripley turned her head so that her cheek rested on his hair. “Did it ever occur to you that she's afraid to divorce him?”

“Yeah.” His stomach did a quick, nasty pitch. “I came around to that about three o'clock in the morning. If it's true, I've got plenty of feelings to punch into that bag. But it doesn't change what is. She's married, she didn't tell me. She doesn't trust me enough to be there for her, whatever it takes.”

He reached up, closed his hand around hers.

That's how Nell saw them when she opened the door, holding on to each other. And she saw the beam of blame shoot out of Ripley's eyes even as the shutters came down on Zack's.

“I need to speak with you. Alone. Please.”

Instinctively Ripley tightened her grip, but Zack gave her hand a squeeze. “Ripley was just heading out on patrol.”

“Yeah, sure, toss me out just when it's getting good.” She was shrugging into her jacket, contemplating that
this
was what it felt like when people said you could cut the tension with a knife, when Betsy poked her head in the door.

“Sheriff—Hi, Nell, Ripley. Sheriff, Bill and Ed Sutter are starting to mix it up out in front of the hotel. It looks like it could get messy.”

“I'll take care of it.”

“No.” Zack got up at Ripley's statement. “We'll take care of it.”

The Sutter brothers vacillated between staunch family loyalty and hating each other like poison. Since they were both bullheaded and built like the same animal, he thought it best not to let Ripley get into a two-on-one situation. He gave Nell a brief glance as he walked outside. “You'll have to wait.”

So cold, she thought, rubbing her arms. It was hard to accept ice from a man who had such warmth. He wasn't going to make this easy. Oddly enough, even after the worst of it the evening before, she'd convinced herself that he would.

He would let her talk. He would sympathize, understand, hold her.

Standing alone in the station house, Nell watched that little fantasy crack in two and disappear.

Here she was, swallowing her pride, risking her peace of mind and well-being, and all he could do was spare her a single icy look.

Well, then, maybe she should just let bad enough alone.

Stung, she pulled open the door. Two steps out and she could not only see the commotion up the street, she could hear it. Freezing in place, she hugged herself and watched it play out.

One big man with short-cropped hair belly-slammed another big man with short-cropped hair. Curses were flying. An interested crowd was gathering at a safe distance, and some of them appeared to be taking sides by hooting and calling out names.

Zack and Ripley were already wading in, muscling the men apart. Nell couldn't hear what they were saying, but while it quieted the crowd, it didn't appear to have much impact on the Sutter brothers.

They were all but snapping at each other's faces.

Nell cringed, closed in when she saw the first fist strike. There was a lot of shouting now, and she heard it like the pounding of the surf. A lot of motion that seemed lost in a fast blur.

Zack had one man's arm, Ripley the other's. Both had their handcuffs out. Bumping, shoving. Curses and clipped warnings.

Then one brother swung viciously at the other, missed his mark and plowed his fist into Zack's face.

She watched Zack's head snap back, heard the crowd gasp as one voice. Everyone went so still, it seemed like a film stopped in a freeze-frame.