Dancing in the Light (43 page)

There was so much for me to deal with that I began to feel a real sense of overload, yet I felt I needed to know more immediately.

“Have patience,” said H.S. “Patience is one of your particular learning tasks in this incarnation. You know that. For now, what is really important to your growth is that you have finally ‘seen’ me. You
know
, now, that I exist. I created you as you created me. No relationship you will ever have or ever had is as ecstatic as this knowledge. Nothing can compare to knowing the unlimitedness of yourself. Whatever you need, you have only to ask. That is what was meant by ‘ask and you will receive.’ ”

Tears came into my eyes. I couldn’t answer, not even in my mind. I moved my legs to focus on their stiffness so that I wouldn’t continue to cry.

“Tears are necessary,” H.S. said. “For every tear you shed adds time to this life. You, as a human soul, have been through a great deal. You have seen only some of it. Do not repress the feelings. Release them. That is the purpose here. To cry is to have a liberating tonic. The energy required to repress feelings
causes strain in the body and in the spirit. Let go. There will be no conflict if you release your feelings. Life is for expression, so don’t be judgmental of how you feel. Use your intuitive understanding to express externally and don’t agonize over what you do not understand. With the quickening of your soul, understanding will become more and more clear. Remain in flow with me, for in doing so you help your self and God. All happens for the purposeful good. Remember, where there is no resistance, there is no harm. Resistance creates conflict. It causes the energy flow to turn back on itself. What you have just recognized and connected with is the tapestry of interwoven energy which was blocked from its original source. Do you know the meaning of evil?”

I couldn’t even think, much less answer.

H.S. went on. “Evil is nothing but energy flowing backward rather than forward. Spell your
live
backward and you have
evil.
The etymology of words is not accidental. All life is a question of energy.”

I stopped crying. I’d never heard evil defined in this way before.

“You are the energy flow,” H.S. was saying. “If you allow any resistance to the flow of energy, you create polarity. Polarity creates conflict. Conflict creates disaster, which is the nearly complete disassociation from the spiritual, God source. You have just understood that. Open your resistance. Allow your energy to flow back to the God source. You will be protected because you will be aligned with me and I am part of God.”

I lay on the table trying to comprehend what had happened, realizing at the same time that I understood perfectly. But to live in this understanding would mean taking complete responsibility for the knowledge.

Chris handed me a tissue. She had remained silent during all of it.

“I think I need to get up,” I said.

“Yes,” she answered, “I think so. But ask your higher self if there is anything else you need to take home with you.”

I closed my eyes once again and looked up, knowing that I had reached overload.

“Only one more point,” it said. “We will be doing more specific work in the days to come. Specifics that relate to your life today. There is much you need to understand and confront. You need to keep your channel to me clear. Therefore I would recommend eating moderately; vegetables, fruit, and water. No dairy products. Engage in only harmonious movement, such as your yoga. Do not concern yourself with schedules, time, or telephones. Be with nature. Pay little attention to linear information. Breathe deeply to keep the channel open. Stay away from vexing people and remember that I am with you always.
I am you.”

I nodded.

“One more point,” it said. “My compliments that you have never used drugs. This is an important reason for your progress.”

I found myself laughing. “With the spectacle I’ve just witnessed, no drug could compete.”

“That is certainly true,” H.S. said, and together we knew I had had enough for the day.

Chris helped me off the table. “Spectacular,” she said. “We got most of it on the recorder. The rest you’ll never forget.”

I could hardly walk. My back ached and I had no mobility in my legs. I headed immediately to the bathroom. I needed something earth plane and familiar under me! I blew my nose and splashed water on my face. I walked back into the room, half expecting to see Chris’s healing entities in body form.

Chris was lying on the floor on her back, her stomach protruding high above the rug under her.

“Does this happen often?” I asked. “I mean,
you heard what happened. Do many people have this experience?”

She smiled. “Many, many, many,” she answered. “And when each person experiences the higher self the conversations are almost identical. The lessons are always the same. ‘There is no such thing as evil or good. There is only enlightened awareness or ignorance.’ That is the great truth. Judgment of ourselves and others is our problem.
That
is what causes fear, conflict, resistance, and despair.”

“Are people shocked by what they hear their own higher selves tell them?” I asked.

“Many are,” answered Chris. “Because it goes against what they’ve been conditioned to believe. However the shock is what causes them to understand that what they are experiencing is real rather than ‘made up.’ ”

“And what about some of the pictures I saw; like Atlantis, for example?”

“They are the same with everyone. They describe subdued colors of pink and violet and orange hues with fountains and crystal structures and many people wearing crystal headdresses. Atlantis is always described the same way, even by people who never were aware they believed it existed. So you see, conscious awareness is everything. The higher self is aware of everything. Our task is to become consciously aware in this dimension so we can integrate our awareness into our lives.”

“So you’re not surprised by anything I experienced today?”

Chris smiled. “Not at all. It is truth. And I’ve heard it all before.”

I sighed deeply and slowly bent down to pick up my shoes. They weighed a ton. I sat down on the chair and dressed as though it were a new experience. The material of my blouse had a new textured meaning against my skin. I felt weightless and longed for the sun and fresh air outside. I wanted to touch earth, flowers, anything organic and alive. And hungry!
I was famished. I felt hot tingling in my hands and feet like an electronic pulsation. My head was clear and open. I was drowsy, yet alert as I’d never been. I felt self-contained and autonomous. When I spoke, my voice sounded richer, lower in tone, with less anxiety. There was heat in my lower spine where I knew the kundalini energy was rising.

I slowly walked outside as if I were on air. The colors of the flowers in Chris’s greenhouse were shimmering vibrantly in the sunlight.

I felt I could dip into the vibrations of their colors and enjoy them as mine.

I looked at my watch. The time didn’t even register. I felt that I was in the past and present at the same time. I saw everything around me in mathematical perfection. Everything fit. My time on the table was meant to happen. Everything I’d “seen” was meant to happen. There was a reason for everything. A plan. A perfect, gigantic puzzle of perfection and each live entity on earth was a precious part of the puzzle. Life itself seemed only symbolic of the soul, as though it were only thought essence which would never cease, never die. Life was God once removed. And everything was energy. Vibrating, pulsating, vital
energy. And
that energy was
love
energy expressing itself in millions of ways until it finally understood the totality of itself.

I grasped at words that would express my thoughts and feelings and for the first time, I understood that poets were the true translators of God. William Blake’s famous poem came to mind:

To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower.
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.

Chapter 17

T
hat night I slept outside in a sleeping bag under the stars. Chris had suggested it because she said that the soul and brain map the celestial navigation of the stars if there is no roof obstructing the view of the heavens. And as we mapped their movements, we learned.

I found that my sleep was deeper and the rest more profound, as though I were being taught all night, and the contact with the spiritual plane inspired peace and a sense of well-being. I slept less time, but it was the quality of the sleep, not the quantity.

The following morning, I experimented with connecting to my higher self without the use of Chris’s needles. It was there every time. If I had misplaced something, I asked H.S. where it was. I was always guided in the right direction. It was never wrong.

I asked H.S. what to eat, who was on the other end of a ringing telephone, what direction an address might be. It was astonishing how correct the answers were. I wondered how long it would last. The answer came: “As long as you can find me, you can find anything.”

And so my concern that I had never had a really “revelatory” experience evaporated. It had always bothered me that I seemed to be progressing slowly and surely, but without any major revelation. Not so anymore.

Getting in touch with my unlimited soul was an extraordinary event, a milestone in growth and understanding and an experience that flooded me with joy. I felt that this was some kind of coming of age for me. Yet if anyone else had related that discovery to me about themselves, I guess I would have thought they were “dreaming.”

I, at least, had a framework from which I could view what had happened to me. On the drive to Chris’s place I thought about how I had been pursuing a search of my own identity from the time I was very small, and how the process of search would proceed from this point. The teachings of the Bible, the Mahabarata, the Koran, and all the other spiritual books that I had tried to understand flooded back to me:
The Kingdom of Heaven is within you. Know thyself and that will set you free; to thine own self be true; to know self is to know all; know that you are God; know that you are the universe….
The spiritual masters had all said the same thing. They had each taught that the soul is eternal. They had each alluded to having lived many times before, even Christ: “I came before, but you didn’t recognize me.” They had each taught that the purpose of life was to work one’s way back to the Divine Source of which we were all a part. And the karmic events that we encountered along the way were only to be experienced and understood—never to be judged. Each of the great books had warned
against
judgment,
against
the moral trap of good versus evil. The laws of cause and effect were the underlying principles of all their teachings:
fudge and you will be judged; hurt and you will be hurt; love and you will be loved; give and you will be given to.
They taught that circumstances never mattered. They were only the field on which our truth was played out.

Yet here we were in a world where everyone was engaged in some process of moral judgment. Each person or group believing that their morality was the true word of God, blind to the cosmic harmony
that
every
point of view served the purposeful good in the long run. I saw how we were viewing the destiny of mankind and our individual selves from a limited perspective. From a short-run perspective. We were not seeing the entire forest; we focused on our own individual trees.

Yet in the immediacy of each individual’s trauma, the seeming tragedy would be eliminated if we went into the eternal nature of our selves and understood that
nothing
then can be “tragic.” Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wasted, and nothing ever dies—nothing. We were each an eternal universe unto ourselves. And to realize the transcendent wonder of that truth was all that mattered.

I thought again about
energy.
It seemed that through the examination of energy, science and spirituality would eventually have to meet. They were two different approaches to the same truth. Each spoke of energy as the glue that held the universe together. Spirituality accepted its existence and science attempted to prove it. Spirit was faith without science. Science was proof without faith.

The spiritual approach to universal truths and harmony always recognized the unseen dimensions from within consciousness. The scientific approach recognized those same dimensions from without. Yet the new science was close to saying they were the same. That consciousness was everything. Both aspects were necessary for human utilization. Unless we could put these tools of understanding to use, what power could they have for us?

As I drove and reflected on my having experienced lifetimes both as a male and as a female, I wondered why I had chosen to live life as a female this time around. There had been such focus on the feminine energy of the modern world. The women’s liberation movement, the role of the female in the decision-making process of political power, and the
feminine attitudes toward relaxing tension in the world in order to avoid the annihilation of civilization.

Why had I chosen to express myself through the energy of the feminine, the yin energy? Then I thought the yin energy manifests predominantly from within. The masculine yang energy manifests from without. The yin is intuitive. The yang is powerful.

The yin energy is also the holder of the unseen, the nondimensional. The yang is the unseen expressed in the seen. The yang is the active energy. Once yin energy is expressed from unseen to seen, it becomes yang energy. Thus women who express their yin energy are expressing in a yang manner. When a man goes within to contemplate the unseen, he is utilizing his yin energy. Both are necessary.

To be perfectly balanced, didn’t each individual need to equally recognize both energies within their given body? To have a balanced peace in the world, it seemed necessary to have a balanced peace in the individual, which meant the recognition of equally expressed yin energy from within, and yang energy from without.