Dark Destroyer (26 page)

In silence, he took Kathalin back to the area where they had left their horses at the mouth of the street and he helped her mount the small gray palfrey that he’d personally selected from the stables for her. He checked the cinch on the saddle, making sure it was secure, before handing her the reins. She made sure to brush his hand, just a little, and when he looked up at her, she was smiling faintly. He returned the gesture, just a little, and turned for his own steed.

With a heavy heart, he mounted his horse, motioning his men forward and making sure to stay near Kathalin as they made their way up the street, towards the end of town where The Raven was situated. All the while, he was coming to wonder if he shouldn’t just run away with Kathalin and marry the woman, whisking her off to the north of England where he could serve his father and stay far away from de Lara. It seemed like a plan, in any case, unless one considered how dishonorable it was and what a bad light it would put Kathalin in.

Nay, he couldn’t do it, as much as he wanted to. He’d done a lot of things in his life that he wasn’t proud of but to run away with de Lara’s daughter… it wouldn’t matter if he loved her or not. Any chance at reclaiming his honor as a man would be lost if he did it and he couldn’t bring that burden to bear on his own father, who would probably not understand. His father, Edward, was a wise and even-tempered man, grandson of Scott de Wolfe, who was the eldest son of the legendary William de Wolfe.

Gates’ own grandmother, who knew Scott, said that Edward had Scott’s temperament, which was collected and in control. Gates possessed it, too, but if he were to bring home a woman he had married without permission, there was no telling how Edward would react. His actions would shame the de Wolfe family. It was difficult enough to live up to the reputation of such a family without him doing something as terrible as absconding with a woman.

As the de Lara party approached The Raven, Gates began to think that he’d never had much of a chance to live up to the de Wolfe name. Maybe he’d felt pressure from the onset and, rebellious, fought against that name rather than try to honor it. Only in his personal life, of course, because as a knight he was every inch a de Wolfe. But as a man, and in his behavior towards women, there had been something left to be desired.

Maybe in this one instance, he wouldn’t go with his sordid reputation. He loved Kathalin and wouldn’t dishonor her by stealing off with her. Maybe on this one occasion, somehow, he could actually be proud of his actions as a man. He would not shame the woman he loved.

But he was quite certain the effort was going to kill him.

Already, he felt dead.

I will be true, only to you, forever….

Shrewsbury’s annual Snow Queen Festival was something of a paradox considering the heavy snow that had blanketed the land for months had, over the past few days, virtually melted away. Still, the villagers were eager to celebrate the ancient festival that was supposed to ensure spring would come early and as the sun set that evening in the west, people came out to the streets in droves.

The Raven was packed to overflowing. As the sun set and the sky turned shades of purple and blue, the windows of the two-storied inn were open, as well as the front door, emitting light out into the busy, darkened streets. A man with a torch went up and down the street, lighting other torches on poles that would give more light to the gloom, and it was all quite festive as men and women danced and sang in the streets.

Standing at the window of her rented room, Kathalin could see all of it below. Most people seemed to be wearing some kind of mask on their faces, most crudely fashioned but a few of them were actually quite lovely. Women had poles with flowing ribbons attached and they waved them about in a symbolic gesture of spring breezes, and men carried about small, wooden shields, ornamental only, and would ram them at each other when passing each other in the street, to great laughter.

Kathalin had never seen anything like it. From the austere halls of St. Milburga’s to the party in the street in Shrewsbury, it was yet another reminder of what she had been missing outside of the old priory walls. She could smell food as vendors walked beneath her window, lauding their hot wine for sale or some kind of meat on a stick. She thought she might like to try the hot wine but she didn’t have any money and she would have to ask Gates to provide her with coin, but she didn’t want to bother him. In fact, after what had happened that afternoon, she wasn’t sure she wanted to speak with him at all.

Thoughts of Gates brought thoughts of sadness. She didn’t understand his sense of honor, the confusing reasons he had given for not wanting to marry her. He swore that he would be true to her and only her, didn’t he? That was good enough for her. She didn’t care about a humiliating past but the truth was that she really didn’t grasp what he meant.

She had no idea how deep his shame ran.

Having lived such a sequestered life, she couldn’t imagine the reality of having a bastard child thrown in her face or perhaps the reality of a spurned lover making a scene. Having only been kissed by a man, once, and that had been earlier in the day, that was the only sexual thing she really understood. It was true that she knew the mechanics of coupling from fellow wards at St. Milburga’s who would gossip and giggle about such things, but other than that, she was completely naïve of the act. Of what it meant to couple with a man. Of what it meant to be man and wife.

Nay, she didn’t understand much of it. But she wanted to learn of it from Gates and he refused to teach her.

So she was left sad and ashamed, hating this new world that she was being forced to be a part of. Sighing heavily, she sat on the open windowsill, watching the people in the street below, seeing their joy and being envious of it. She wanted to know that joy, too. She didn’t understand how Gates could tell her that he adored her yet not want to give in to those feelings. She felt such anguish at his rejection that it was difficult to grasp it. Refusal that cut her to the bone. As she sat on the windowsill, her thoughts lingering on a future that was never meant to be, a soft rap at the door distracted her.

“Come,” she said softly.

The door opened and she didn’t even look to see who it was. Gates had said something when they’d arrived at the inn about sending a meal up to her so she assumed it was the servant bringing her food. But then she heard footsteps that sounded heavy, not like a servant’s shoes should have sounded, so she turned to see that Gates had entered the chamber. He smiled hesitantly and, with a painful heart, she quickly turned away.

“What is it that you want, de Wolfe?” she asked.

Gates could hear the sorrow in her tone. He’d been downstairs for the past three hours in the common room, pretending to be focused on other things when what he was really focused on was Kathalin. Having left off where they had earlier, when Alexander had interrupted them when Kathalin had been begging him to marry her, he knew he simply couldn’t leave it like that. He knew he had to speak with her privately again, to reason with her, and hope she could understand his point of view. He’d waited all of that time for Alexander to decided he was bored sitting in the common room of a tavern when there was a party going on outside. As soon as Alexander had left for the streets, Gates had headed upstairs.

Now, he was face to face with Kathalin, hoping to continue their earlier conversation but from her question to him, she didn’t sound as if she was willing to discuss it. He took a deep breath before answering.

“I came to see if you would like to go down into the streets and join the party,” he said. “Alexander is already out there, somewhere, so I thought you might like to experience the madness.”

Kathalin shook her head. “Nay,” she said. “I will watch it from here.”

Gates had expected that answer. He moved over to stand on the other side of the windowsill, watching her as she looked to the crowd below. “Alexander wanted to escort you to the festival, you know,” he said. “I told him to go alone and that no one but me would escort you. Now, do you still wish to stay here and watch from above?”

She nodded, feeling her heart twist with anguish. “I do,” she said, feeling the sting of tears. “I do not wish to go anywhere with you.”

Gates sighed sadly. “Kathi,” he started. “You and I must come to an understanding. I realize you are hurt, sweetheart. I am hurt, too. I just wish you would understand that I never meant to hurt you, in any fashion. I swore to you that I would be true to you and only you, forever. That should give you some comfort.”

She whirled to him, eyes blazing. “Comfort?” she repeated, appalled. “Why should it? I love a man who will not marry me. Instead, he will willingly see me married to another. Why should anything you say give me comfort?”

His jaw ticked. “I wish I could make you understand,” he said quietly. “What I do, I do for you. I do it to protect you. I do it so you will not be married to a man who will bring you shame. Why can you not comprehend that?”

Frustrated, grieved, Kathalin turned around and put her hands to her ears. “Because I cannot,” she hissed. “You told me that you adore me. You know that I adore you. I do not understand why love cannot overcome everything you are afraid of. You are a coward, Gates, a coward! You will not fight for what you love!”

It was difficult for him to hear those words from her mouth. “I can understand how you would see it that way,” he said as his anguish mounted. “But it is not….”

She came out of the windowsill. “It is the truth,” she cut him off. “You are a coward, afraid to stand up to your past. Instead, are willing to forsake me so that you may hide from it, bury it, and not suffer the consequences. You say that you will not marry me because you want to protect me. Well, I do not believe you. You do not wish to marry me because you do not love me enough to overcome your fear of the past.”

He wasn’t going to argue with her. She didn’t understand. He couldn’t make her understand. All he knew was that he was feeling more turmoil than he ever had in his life, now with his bravery taking a hit. Was it possible that she was correct in some ways? Was it possible that he wasn’t brave enough to overcome his past, by accepting how he’d lived and now unwilling to face it? He didn’t really know. All he knew was that her words hurt him, this pure and fine and beautiful woman that he so admired.

This woman he could never have.

“Mayhap,” he said softly. “Mayhap I am more afraid that even though you declare that the sins of the past do not matter to you, mayhap they will after all. Mayhap I am afraid you will be the one running from them when they become too much to bear.”

It was the second time in the day when she felt slapped by his words. Now, he was doubting her word of honor, her declaration that she would stand by him regardless of his past indiscretions. He was doubting that she believed love could overcome everything. Feeling wounded, she turned away.

“Mayhap that is true,” she said, sounding hollow. “But we will never know if neither of us are strong enough to face the truth, will we? You have already made that decision for me as well as for you.”

Wise and true words. He’d already decided they shouldn’t face such a thing, so who was to say if they would have the courage to overcome all of this? Gates was feeling defeated, confused, and sickened. Without another word, he turned for the door. Quietly, he crossed the room and lifted the latch, only to hear Kathalin’s soft voice behind him one last time.

“Gates,” she said. “If you must relay information to me in the future, have Alexander do it. I cannot… I cannot see you anymore. I cannot continue to go through this every time we speak.”

He sighed heavily. “You don’t mean that.”

“Aye, I do. Please respect my wishes.”

He didn’t move for a moment. Slowly, he shut the door and came back into the room. “I am the commander of your escort,” he said. “If you do not permit me to speak with you, it will look very strange to everyone, including Alex. The man is already….”

He suddenly stopped himself and turned for the door, swiftly, but she came towards him, stopping him. “Wait,” she said, noticing he wouldn’t look at her. “What is this about Alexander? The man is already…
what?
”

He was vastly unhappy with the question and even more unhappy with the answer. “Nothing,” he said. “But be aware that Alexander de Lohr also has a few conquests under his belt no matter what he tells you. He has bedded more than his share of women.”

She was puzzled. “What do you mean ‘no matter what he tells you’?” she asked. “Why should I care what he tells me?”

Gates simply shook his head. Throwing open the door, he nearly bolted through it before she could stop him.

Kathalin stood there a moment, indecisive, wondering why he had run out as he had. Something to do with Alexander, something in his words… in his tone… but she wasn’t very good at reading men, or understanding them, but something told her that something was amiss. Gates had more to say about Alexander but wouldn’t say it. Curiosity had the better of her and she threw the door open, rushing out after him.

The Raven had several sleeping rooms on the second floor plus a loft, and the common room below was crowded with people eating and drinking and laughing. Gathering the heavy blue brocade skirt, she made her way down the narrow stairs into the smoky, smelly room, her gaze seeking out Gates. It was so crowded, with a heavy haze of smoke in the air, that it was difficult to see those at the far end of the room and as she came to the bottom of the narrow stairs, she became apprehensive of all of the people around her.

It was the first time she’d been away from her escort, without anyone protecting her, and she suddenly felt fearful and vulnerable.
The world is a wicked place
, Mother Benedicta used to say. As she looked at the unfamiliar faces and listened to the loud laughter, she found no comfort or joy in it. In fact, she was increasingly uncomfortable. Perhaps it was best if she returned to her chamber and remained there until Gates decided to make another appearance.

Something told her that he would.

Unfortunately, she didn’t get very far. No sooner as she turned around to retrace her steps back up the stairs than someone grabbed her by the arm.

“Lady, do not go!”

With a shriek, Kathalin turned to see that a big soldier had her by the arm. He was clad in mail, and a woolen tunic of blue, and his dark hair was plastered against his forehead from dirt and sweat. He smiled leeringly at her with teeth that had a green line on them against his gums.

“Come and share my meal,” he said, tugging her right off the stairs. “I saw you come down the stairs, lady, and should enjoy your company.”

Terrified, Kathalin yanked her arm away and made a break for the stairs again but he grabbed her by the skirt, which trailed out behind her, and yanked hard, throwing her off-balance so that she fell backwards and smacked her bum, and lower back, against the hard-packed floor of the common room. Stunned, she wasn’t fast enough to stand up again before the soldier was scooping her up under the arms.

“Come along, lass,” he said as those around them laughed at her failure to break free. “Come and talk to me whilst I eat.”

Kathalin turned into a fighting, snarling cat. She began swinging her arms around, her open palms making contact with his head.

“Let me go, you fool!” she hissed. “Take your hands from me!”

The soldier was unimpressed. “So you found your tongue, did you?” he asked. “Good. I should like for you to use it on me later… in more appropriate places.”

The crowd around them laughed loudly at his lewd comment as he made a swipe for Kathalin again but she lashed out, taking her nails across his face. His humor fled as he touched the three scratches on his cheek.

“You are going to regret that,” he said quietly.

More terror filled her, terrified of what was going to happen now. Kathalin stumbled backwards again, trying to get away from him but she was not used to such a long, heavy skirt. As she fell to one knee, something rushed past her and she heard the soldier grunt. Men began standing up, all around her, as more men rushed in and, suddenly, there was a nasty fight going on over her head. Frightened for an entirely new reason now, Kathalin ducked underneath the nearest table and tried not to get stepped on.