Dark Destroyer (25 page)

Kathalin was jolted by the sound of his voice, so much so that she jumped when he spoke. Her mind had been lingering on a future without him, his refusal of her marriage suggestion, and any number of other sad and disappointing thoughts involving him. She had been wrapped up in her own world, the pain of his refusal building within her. But Gates had been speaking to Alexander; she knew this because she had heard their voices. She was hoping he would remain with Alexander so she would not have to speak with him. She was too terribly embarrassed and disappointed to speak with him. Therefore, his request to sit next to her was met with only a shrug.

Gates took the gesture as an affirmative and planted himself next to her on the wooden bench, hearing it creak under his weight. “God’s Bones,” he complained, looking down at the bench. “I hope I do not collapse it. I will apologize in advance if I end up dumping you on the ground.”

Kathalin smiled weakly but said nothing and Gates couldn’t stand the silence between them. It was beginning to eat at him, consuming every thought in his head, and he knew he had to make things right. This was all his fault, anyway. Perhaps if he explained his position against her marriage proposal, she might not be so hateful towards him.

Now, the situation between them was about to become quite real.

He prepared himself.

“My lady,” he said softly. “Kathalin. May I speak freely between us?”

Kathalin.
She closed her eyes to the sound of her name coming forth, turning her head away and squeezing her eyes together tightly to stave off the tears. After a moment, she shook her head.

“Nay,” she whispered.

His brow furrowed. “Why not?”

She abruptly stood up, hissing at him. “Because there is nothing to say.”

With that, she stormed off, out of the eating area and out into the street. Gates quickly followed, grasping her by the arm as she made her way down the street. She didn’t get very far. When he latched on to her, she tried to pull away.

“Hold, lady,” he said, his voice stern but soft. “Where are you going?”

She was trying to yank her arm out of his grip. “Let me go!”

In response, he grabbed her with both hands, his grip like an iron vise. “I will not,” he said, his voice less soft and more firm now. “What is the matter? Why are you running off?”

It took Kathalin a moment to realize she was making a fool of herself. Already, she’d made a great fool of herself by betraying the fact that she was embarrassed and hurt by his refusal. Now he knew, or at least he suspected. She wasn’t sure she could cover for her behavior and try to throw him off the scent, but the truth was that she didn’t want to try. She wasn’t clever or practiced in the ways of men and women. All she knew was honesty. Perhaps it was time for her to be honest.

Perhaps then he would leave her in peace.

“Because… because I said something to you that I should not have,” she finally said, her struggles against him easing. “When I said I would marry you, it was the truth. But I should not have said it and I am sorry.”

Her words were like arrows to his heart, each one doing more damage than the one before it. It was sucking the breath out of him, hurting him in ways he never knew he could hurt. Quickly, he looked around to see if there was someplace more private they could speak because he was quite certain there was about to be a good deal of honesty between them whether or not he wanted it.

Still, the time had come.

When he saw a gap between two baking establishments off to his right, he pulled her over in that direction and wedged them both in between the buildings. It was a narrow space and he was pressed up against her, too close, but it was necessary. What he had to say was for her ears only.

“I want you to listen to me carefully, Kathalin,” he said, his voice quiet. “You must never be sorry for something you feel and you must never be sorry for speaking the truth. You cannot know how honored and thrilled I am to hear you say such things. It is the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.”

Kathalin, very close to him, couldn’t bear to look up at him. She kept her head lowered. “It was foolish,” she said. “Silly and foolish. Please, de Wolfe… I want to go back to St. Milburga’s. Won’t you please take me there?”

He shook his head. “I cannot and you know it,” he said, looking down at her bowed head and feeling her turmoil. “But know this; if I could marry you, I most certainly would. Your parents intend to seek a husband for you and the mere thought of you being married to someone else fills me with anguish such as I have never known. I would rather see you back at St. Milburga’s than see you married to anyone other than me.”

It took a few moments for his words to sink in but when they did, her head shot up and she looked at him, wide-eyed. “You… you do not wish to see me married to anyone else?” she repeated, laboring to comprehend what he had just told her. “You… you
would
marry me?”

He nodded, sorrow evident in his face. He put a hand beneath her chin, forcing her to keep her eyes on him, feeling the soft texture of her skin. It was like silk.

“When I told you that I could not marry you, it was not because I did not want to,” he said. Then he shook his head, dropping his hand from her chin and averting his gaze as he struggled for the correct words. “There is something you must know about me, Kathalin. I have been a foolish man when it comes to women for most of my adult life. You see, I have always viewed women as conquests or prizes, something to be won, and used, and then forgotten about when I move on to the next one. I have spent my life disrespecting women and using them for my own needs. Since you are to be around Hyssington for some time to come, you will probably hear men refer to me by the moniker I have earned because of my reputation. I have been called the Dark Destroyer because of my prowess off the battlefield as well as on it. Do not be distressed when you hear it; it has followed me for many years.”

Kathalin’s brow was furrowed as she listened, trying to process what he was saying. Being as naïve as she was, she didn’t immediately realize what he meant. “I do not understand,” she said. “You have thought women to be conquests?”

“Aye.”

“But… but how should you conquer them?”

He just looked at her, hoping he didn’t truly have to explain that aspect to her, but he could see that she really had no idea what he meant. “As a lover, Kathalin,” he said. Then, he lowered his voice. “In their beds.”

Realization finally dawned and Kathalin looked at him in both denial and shock. “I do not believe it,” she said. Then, more strongly: “I do not believe it! You are not a man who would do such things, de Wolfe. If you do not want to marry me, simply say so. You do not need to create some sordid reason behind your refusal. All you need do is tell me the truth!”

“I
am
telling you the truth.”

“You are making this worse!”

He paused, mostly because she was becoming agitated and he didn’t want it to turn into a shouting match. The last thing he wanted to do was shout at her.

“Unfortunately, every word is true,” he said, softening his tone so she would hopefully calm. “I have never wanted to marry, ever. At least, that was true until I met you. You are so fine and pure and beautiful, Kathi… you are everything a man could hope for in a wife. You are, to me, perfect, and I am so completely unworthy of you. My past would only bring you shame and sorrow, and I could not bear it. I could not do that to you. I adore you too much.”

Kathalin calmed a good deal with his latest statement, starting to realize that he was, in fact, telling the truth. She could see it in his face. And with his last words…
I adore you
… her heart both swelled and shattered.

“You adore me?” she whispered, stunned.

He nodded with great sincerity. “I do,” he murmured. “Very much.”

As he watched, her eyes instantly filled with a lake of tears, spilling over onto her pale cheeks. “Oh, Gates,” she breathed. “I adore you, too. I love you dearly. I cannot remember when I have not loved you. Except when I was hating you in the beginning, of course, but after that, I… I fell in love with everything about you.”

They were both grinning by the time she finished her rambling statement and Gates couldn’t help it; he reached out and pulled her against him, hugging her so tightly that she grunted when he squeezed all of the air out of her lungs. But her soft warmth against him was the greatest thing he had ever known, emotional satisfaction that was greater than any physical satisfaction he had ever experienced.

“My sweet girl,” he whispered against her hair. “I have never in my life heard words that have meant so much to me. You have made my entire life worth something.”

Having never been held by a man before, Kathalin was at first shocked by the intimate embrace but, very quickly, it became the most astonishing and magnificent gesture she’d ever known. Her arms were around his torso tightly, holding him just as snuggly as he was holding her and she knew, at that moment, that she had no intention of letting the man go no matter what he said.

He adored her… that was all she need know.

“I do not care about your past,” she said, muffled, into his chest. “All I know is that I love you, Gates. Please marry me. The alternative is too terrible to bear.”

Gates released her, gently, cupping her face in his big hands. He simply had to look at her, and touch her, stricken with grief and elation that she loved him as he loved her. It was tragedy beyond belief.

“I cannot,” he confessed. “I
will
not. Kathi, I cannot bring such shame to you. Don’t you realize this? You must have an honorable husband with an honorable reputation. Off the battlefield, my reputation is less than stellar. You will be a laughing stock.”

Kathalin, moved to tears by the feel of his hands on her face, shook her head. “I do not care,” she said, her voice tight. “Gates, will you swear to me that you will be true only to me forever? If you tell me this, I shall believe you, and nothing else matters.”

Gates looked at her, considering the bigger implication of her words. In truth, there was nothing to consider. He loved her and he always would. For a man who had spent his entire life running from woman to woman, at this moment, he couldn’t ever imagine touching another woman as long as he lived. Kathalin was in his heart and soul and he would never be untrue to her. Ever.

There was no question.

“Married or not,” he said hoarsely, “I will always be true to you. I will never know another woman ever again, Kathalin. Not ever. It is you and only you, forever.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Upon my oath as a knight, I do.”

Her tears spilled over and he swooped on them, kissing them away, tasting the salt upon his lips with the greatest of pleasure before very gently kissing her lips. Kathalin was uncertain at first but quickly warmed to him, responding to him in her first true kiss as if she had been kissing him her entire life. Nothing else had ever been so remarkable or so right. It was as if they were made for each other, kiss to kiss, heart to heart. When he finally pulled away from her, it was to gaze deeply into her eyes.

“Only you,” he whispered. “I swear it.”

Kathalin, overcome by his kiss and his words, swallowed hard. “Please,” she begged softly. “Marry me, Gates. I do not care about the past, only the future.”

She was pleading with him, trying to break down his resolve, but he couldn’t let her. Gates had never known anything so painful in his entire life. His insides were eating themselves out, anguish over a situation he never thought to face. He opened his mouth to say something when he heard his name being called. Instantly recognizing Alexander’s voice, he shifted so that Kathalin was in front of him and he gently pushed her from the confined space between the buildings, emerging behind her at a respectable distance. He could see Alexander off to his right, evidently looking for him, but Alexander’s back was turned to them so Gates took Kathalin’s elbow politely and came up behind him.

“I am here,” he said, watching Alexander whirl around to face him. “What is the matter?”

Alexander was looking between Gates and Kathalin but he was mostly looking at Kathalin. “You disappeared,” he said, looking at the lady full-on. “Is everything well, my lady?”

Kathalin kept her head down. “It is,” she said. “I am simply feeling… unwell.”

Alexander looked at her with concern, noting that the direction she was running was a public privy. Then he realized what she meant. Or, at least he thought he did.

“I see,” he said, clearing his throat to avoid saying something embarrassing regarding the lady’s pressing needs. “Mayhap we should find lodgings for the night so that the lady can rest.”

Gates nodded. “An excellent idea,” he said. “There is an inn at the end of this boulevard called The Raven. I have stayed there before. Gather the men and we will head down there.”

Alexander nodded, turning for the men, but not before he passed a lingering glance at Kathalin. Gates saw it and his displeasure with the man grew. His relationship with Alexander had always been close, friendly competition, and all that. It was a difficult concept to him that it might be changing and Kathalin was the cause of that change. He thought it rather ironic that a woman could come between them or, at least, cause him to view Alexander as something other than a friend. Ironic, indeed.