Dazzled (33 page)

He knew the way to my bedroom – we’d spent enough innocent hours in there over the years. He slammed the door shut with his foot, dropped me onto my bed and flung his jacket on my chair. Slowly, he loosened his bow tie as he prowled toward me.

My lady parts were celebrating, so heady with anticipation, that they were practically singing the Hallelujah chorus.

“I want you so badly,” he whispered, his voice hoarse with desire and need.

Holy hell!

I thought I was going to combust on the spot. It would be just my luck if I passed out or died before we got to the really good part…

…And just as my brain is about to seize up, he lunges at me and pulls me to him, kissing me hot and heavy.

Oh my God! Oh my God! His body feels so amazing! Jeez, all those hours in the gym have really… mmm, ooh, oh the way his tongue feels on my neck. Oh, God, he’s kissing me, really kissing me. And his hair feels so soft and…

Oh my God he feels so hard! That’s for me! He feels that for me! I’m in so much trouble here.

Fuck, she’s so hot. I never thought… uhh, that feels… oh, fuck…

Don’t break my heart, Miles. You know I love you. I’ve always loved you. Those other creeps – no one could compare. Oh my God, he’s got his hand under my t-shirt. When was the last time I shaved? Oh, hell, I’m wearing that old bra. I’ve been meaning to throw that out and… Oh my God! He just touched my nipple. Damn, that feels so… oh, yes… oh, yes.

Fuck, she’s got great tits.

Oh Miles, I know I’m not in your league; I’ve never been in your league, but no one will ever love you as much as I do. And I know you… I really know you. All your insecurities, your shyness, your bizarre sense of humor. Oh my God, he’s trying to unhook my bra. Huh, where did my t-shirt go? When did he take that off?

What if he’s expecting me to be bare? I mean, that Brazilian grew back ages ago and no way was I going to go through that again. That was sheer Hell with a capital H. I don’t care if that’s how they do things in Hollywood. Okay, well, maybe if Miles likes it like that… Oh my God, he’s got his hand down the back of my knickers. My arse is huge. Oh, don’t stop, that just feels… oh wow! I’m going to do it – I’m going to stick my hand down the front of his trousers.

Oh my God! It just jumped! I swear it jumped at me! Mmm, it’s so hot and… blimey… that’s big! I mean, bloody hell, I can hardly get my hand around it. Wow, supersize me!

Fuck, she’s feeling me up. Oh fuck.

Oh God, the light’s still on. I wonder if I can turn it off without it being too obvious? I shouldn’t have eaten that gateau. Okay, not quite the whole gateau, but most of it. Will he think I’m fat? I
am
fat compared to all those stick insect actresses he knows – I’m
enormous
compared to
her
. Oh God, I’m so fat.

Fuck, she’s got the most amazing arse – full and round, so soft and… oh fuck, I’m going to come in my pants if I’m not careful. One times one is one… one times two is… oh fuck.

Oh God, I just love his body. I mean, look at that chest. I
am
looking at that chest. He’s so bloody sexy. I can’t believe after all these years we’re finally going to do it. I love you I love you I love you!

Fuck, look at the size of those knickers! They’re huge! That’s hot.

He’s taken his trousers off. Oh boxer briefs – swoon. Yummy! Mmm, ooh that feels good. Oh my God, that feels so good! How did he know… Ohh… mmmm…

Shit, she’s so wet. Oh God, I hope she comes quickly. I really want to be inside her. Hold it together, Stephens, you owe her this. One times one is one. One times two is two. Land of Hope and Glory, Mother of the Free… Oh, thank God…

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh. My. God! Oh! Ooooh! OOOOOH! AAAH! “Miiiiiiiiles!” Oh, God, I said that out loud. Oh wow. That was ah-may-zing! He is a stud, a sex god! I am a goddess! I am all powerful. Oh, what’s he doing? Oh, ouch! Oh, wow, wow, wow! Oh my God – I think he’s pushed it all the way into my spine! OH GOD!

Fuck. Shit. God. Oh God. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Can’t. Can’t. Can’t. UH! UHHH! MMM. Damn, she feels so good. Sooo good. Goooooood! Oh, God. I can’t. I can’t. Shit. Fuck. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.

What’s happening? Again? What? No! Again?!! I mean… Oh, wow. Oh wow. OH WOW! Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. “Miiiiiiiiiiles!”

He shoots. He scores. Gooooooooal! “Fuck, Claaaare!”

Clare

I can’t believe it. I didn’t know sex could be like that: what I felt, what I still feel.
Two orgasms
, I mean:
two!
How the hell did he do that? Oh, God, I really don’t want to think about where he’s been practicing – and who on. Oh, why do I have to have all these thoughts? That was so wonderful, making love with Miles. Was it making love for him, too, or just me? Oh, just look at him lying there; he looks so, so fine. Just think, women all over the world want what I’ve just had – that’s so weird. I mean, they want the character he plays – Nuriel – in the film, not Miles. Okay, some of them want Miles; okay, most of them, but I’m the one who’s had him.

God, I can’t believe I’m thinking about him like some sort of trophy: he’s
Miles
– my friend. My best friend. And tonight has been the best night of my life.

Miles

Oh God, have I just made a horrible mistake? She doesn’t look happy. I
know
Clare – she’s thinking it over, she’s regretting it, I can just tell. God, she looks so gorgeous, all sort of heated and with the most fantastic, soft curves. Shit, I could get hard again just looking at her. But she’s got
thinking face
: that’s not good. Oh hell, I hope I haven’t just gone and lost my best friend for good this time. I know Clare’s not the kind of girl who could be a fuck buddy, and I wouldn’t want her to be that. If I’m honest, I don’t want her to be with anyone but me.

She’s having second thoughts, I can tell.
Shit, shit, shit!
I couldn’t blame her: these days I live on one fucked up merry-go-round. Why would she want to be part of all this craziness? I mean, she has a life – a good life. She’s clever and funny and loyal and really cute – she could have any guy she wanted.

And she knows me – she knows I’m not the image that they’re selling. I can’t believe she’s here with me. She knows all the shit that went down with Lilia – hell, she saw most of it. So why is she with me? Maybe she was just trying to make me feel better; yeah, that would be like Clare, always trying to make me feel better.

Oh, shit, is that all this was? Her trying to cheer me up? A mercy fuck? That’s not what I want!
Is that what I want?
No, it felt so amazing with Clare – it felt
right
.

Oh, God, she’s turned away from me. She doesn’t want this; she’s regretting it already. Fuck, what do I do?

Maybe it wasn’t good for her? I mean, it felt amazing to me, but she obviously doesn’t think the same. It couldn’t have been that bad, could it? She had two orgasms. Oh, God, she was faking it – obviously – moron. They didn’t feel fake, though; it felt pretty damn real. Yeah, because I wanted it to be real, obviously.

So what do I do? I guess all I can do is to make it easy for her; easy for her to leave me. Damn it, Clare.

Clare

Oh, he looks so serious. I can’t look at him. It felt so amazing but now it’s so awkward. I just want to snuggle into him; I want to fall asleep in his arms and wake up with him in the morning. He probably just wants to go. I should let him go.
I don’t want him to go.

“Clare, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”
I’m not fine!
I’m confused – and still kind of turned on.

I feel his warm hand drift down my arm and I swear the skin tingles, as if he’s just trailed an ice cube across me, or passed an electric current up my arm.
Oh, Miles, don’t stop touching me!
He’s stopped touching me. Oh no.

“Um, I guess I should go?”

Is that a question? No, of course not. He’s just being polite. He knows this was a mistake. Oh God, I can’t speak. If I try to speak, I’ll cry, I know I will.

The mattress moves underneath me and I know he’s sitting up. I can’t help looking; one last look. Oh, God! Look at that back! How did I miss that before? Oh, right, because he was on top of me. Look at those muscles; and, oh my God! He’s really got that triangular shape. I never noticed before – not from the back. Broad shoulders, going down to a slim waist. He’s so gorgeous – and so out of my league.

What’s he doing? Why isn’t he going?

I really want him to go now.
I don’t want him to go now!

“Clare?”

“Yes?”

Say something, Miles!
Say something!

Miles

Oh God, I should say something. What should I say? Does she want me to go? I should just go.
I don’t want to go
.

“Clare?”

“Yes?”

“Um, I know this is kinda weird…”

She’s sighing.
Oh shit
.

“It’s okay, Miles, don’t worry about it.”

She’s brushing me off. She wants me to go.

“Um, I’ll just go then?”

“Okay.”

Okay? No! It’s not okay!

“Right. Um, thanks for having me. Oh God, I don’t mean
having
me like that. I meant… er… thanks… um… I’ll be next door at mum’s.”

“Okay.”

This is the worst day of my life.

Clare

He gets up and dresses in silence. I can’t bear it. I can’t bear
him
. How could he do this? How could he sleep with me and then be so cold? I don’t understand. Did I do something wrong? Maybe I was bad in bed. That must be it: I’m crap in bed. I’m a lousy lover – a lousy lay. He’s seen me naked with the light on, that’s it. He’s seen all my wobbly bits – on both sides. He’s repulsed; my body repulses him.

Oh God, I’m so embarrassed. No, it’s worse than that – I’m breaking apart. I can’t let him see me breaking apart. I’ve got to hold it together. Just another minute and he’ll be gone. Gone. I don’t want him to go.

Miles, don’t go! I love you!

Miles

Oh God, she’s so quiet. I’ve really screwed it up this time. My best friend.
My best friend!
What the fuck was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking. Okay, I was thinking with my man parts – Miles Junior. I can’t help that. Little bastard led and I followed. No, that’s not true.

Clare, I think I love you!

She won’t want to hear that. She’ll just laugh at me. She’d probably think I was joking anyway.

Hey! Maybe I can say it to her and if she thinks it’s a joke, I’ll just laugh it off.

Fucking coward.
Yeah, yeah
.

“Um, Clare?”

“What now?”

Oh wow, she sounds really angry. Maybe this isn’t the best time to say anything.

Say it! Say it!

“Um, I think I love you.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“You said something.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did – I heard you.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I bloody well did, Miles! You said… you said you thought you loved me. What does that even mean?”

“Um… that I love you?”

“Well, do you or don’t you?”

Is that a trick question?

“I do?”

“You do?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”
And more than you’ll ever know
.

“Oh, okay. I just wanted to be clear.”

“Yeah.”

She’s not laughing. Does that mean…?

“Just so you know…”

“Yeah?”

“I love you too, Miles.”

“You do?”

“Of course, you moron.”

Oh wow! I thought she was mad at me. She loves me?

And then I pull her into my arms and kiss her like there’s no tomorrow.

The Day After Tomorrow

Clare

Bugger me, it was hot in my bedroom.

I woke up sweating and wondering if mum had left the central heating on all night again. She did that sometimes. She said it was by accident; funny that it always seemed to happen on really cold nights.

But it wasn’t the radiator in my small bedroom that was making me hot – it was the man lying next to me.
Definitely hot
.

One arm was thrown behind his head, and the other was draped around my shoulder. My face was squished up against his fab-u-lous chest and I probably looked like Miss Piggy. His eyes were closed, the lids trembling, and I thought he was dreaming. I was pretty certain I was, too. The sheet was pushed down to his hips, and his chest and stomach rose rhythmically. I could practically count every muscle of his abs. I could write poetry about them. I lay there composing my ode while the soft breaths ebbed and flowed through his beautiful, flawless body.

Ode to an Abdominal Oblique

Thou newly ravish’d groom of stillness

Thou descending stone-like sternum,

Child of Nazi Hilda.

A vivid valley between moreish mounds.

The faultless form of your Pectoralis,

Crowned with rosy buds.

A golden trail of happiness

Leading to the Promised Land.

Such wild ecstasy.

And the memories flooded back. His touch, his kiss, his arms around me.

And the sex!

I mean, I was an English literature student and you’d really think I could have come up with a better word than ‘wow’. But right there and then, ‘wow’ covered a lot of ground.

After that amazing first time, and the horrible awkwardness that had followed, we’d made love again and again.

We’d even been, um, busy when mum and dad got back and slammed the front door. Okay, so I was 21 and had been having sex for more years than my parents would like to believe, but that didn’t mean to say I wanted them to interruptus the coitus. Boy, it had been soooo hard to keep quiet. In the end, Miles stuck his tongue in my mouth just to shut me up. Well, it may not have been the
only
reason, but it worked just as well.

And now, lying here next to him with the cool morning light edging between the curtains, I felt a deep sense of peace. And excitement. Peace, because we’d finally said everything we needed to say to each other. Oddly enough, it was a short conversation.

It went like this.

“I’ve loved you forever, you twerp!” I said.

Miles blinked at me. “Yeah, me, too.”

I shook my head. “No, I mean I’ve r-e-a-l-l-y loved you – like forever!”

Miles looked annoyed. “Well, why the hell didn’t you tell me?!”

“Oops.”

He rolled his eyes. “No more ‘oops’, okay?”

“Okay.”

So, yeah, that had been a bit of an ‘oops’ moment. (I really was going to have to get some better vocabulary after the holidays were over, and I was back studying.)

I admitted that I’d always loved him. He admitted that he had no clue, but that I’d always been his best friend, and he’d always compared other women to me.

He told me a little bit about what the evil witch had said to him last night, but refused to give details on the grounds that he couldn’t think about her while he was lying between my naked thighs. Sigh.

And did I mention excitement? Because we were finally together, and he said he didn’t want it to end once he went back to LA.

He said he’d wait for me, until I finished my degree in five months time. And then I’d go out to join him in Kalifornication. God, I couldn’t wait.

We’d talked in whispers most of the night, and made love again and again.
Wow – stamina! I really should send a thank you note to Hilda.
Although, maybe not. She seemed like the stalker type.

But wow! I hadn’t had that much sex in, blimey, ever.
Ever, ever, ever!

Unfortunately, I was now desperate to pee. And from the way my flora and fauna was feeling down under, I was afraid that all the sexing was going to give me cystitis.

I suddenly realized his eyes had opened and he was watching me.

“Hi!” I said, my voice unnaturally high.

A slow, sexy smile spread across his face, and he brushed his hand down my arm.

“Clare.”

The way he spoke my name – like the answer to a question, like a promise.

A shuddering breath left my body, and he grinned at me. I watched, my eyes about to dribble out of my head, as his big top rose down below, ready for the greatest show on earth.

And then I heard it.

Footsteps in the hall, and mum yelling up the stairs. “Clare! Are you coming down for breakfast? I’m making bacon sandwiches!”

Miles groaned. “I love your mum’s bacon sandwiches.”

“Huh. More than you love me?”

“It’s about 50/50 at the moment.”

“Sod off.”

He laughed, and his eyes crinkled happily.

But now that I thought about it, this could be a tad awkward. You know, the whole mum-and-dad-don’t-know-I-have-a-fuck-hot-guy-in-my-bed-and-might-actually-think-I’m-still-a-virgin. Yeah, that sort of awkward.

“I guess we’d better get dressed then,” said Miles, trying to hide a smile. “Go and face the music.”

“Easy for you to say. My mum loves you. In fact I think she probably loves you more than she loves me.”

He planted a kiss on the tip of my nose. “Yeah, probably, but your dad is going to have my balls.”

“No way! I need those! The only person who’s having your balls is
me
.”

“So, what do you want me to do? Climb out of the window? Live in your attic? Pretend I’ve got amnesia? Hope
they
have amnesia?”

“Are there any other options?” I asked, chewing on a broken fingernail.

“I could just come down and say hi,” he suggested.

“I don’t know. That sounds complicated. Do you think it will work?”

He smirked at me. “One way to find out.”

I sighed heavily. “Okay, but if my dad kills you, I’m going to be really pissed off.”

“Just pissed off? Not wildly heartbroken? Not utterly bereft and going bonkers in a Mrs. Rochester sort of way.”

“Don’t push your luck, Stephens.”

“Can I push something else?” he said, rocking his hips against me.

“That is such a cheesy line! I can’t believe you said that!”

“Is that a no?” he asked, a wicked grin on his face.

“Yes. That’s a no. Maybe later.”

“Only maybe? Did I tell you I have a Jacuzzi in my hotel room?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, if my dad doesn’t kill you, I wouldn’t be averse to shagging your brains out in a Jacuzzi. Does it have jets?”

He laughed quietly and his eyes softened.

“God, I love you,” he said.

There was really only one comeback to that.

“I love you, too.”

I found my pajamas which had somehow ended up under the bed, pulled them on and tramped off to the bathroom, leaving Miles to follow me if it seemed safe.

The bathroom mirror hated me.

When I saw myself, I nearly passed out from shock. Not only did I have horrendous sex hair (small print: bird’s nest), my face was far too flushed to look normal, and I had a small bite mark on the top of my left breast. Yeah, well my parents definitely wouldn’t be seeing
that
. Even though it meant I’d have to fasten my pajama top up to my neckline and risk looking like my Great Aunt Sally.

I dragged a brush through my hair, had a very satisfying pee, flushed the loo, washed my hands, and wondered if I could smuggle Miles out in the laundry basket.

Hmm. Probably not.

He was quite big.

Swoon.

I made my way down to the kitchen. Dad was reading the Sunday papers, and mum was making the aforementioned bacon sandwiches.

“Hello, love. Did you have a good time last night?”

Oooh. There were so many ways to answer that question. None of which my mum would want to hear
.

“Yeah, it was good. How was your party?”

“Oh, same old faces – it was alright. But I want to hear all about the premiere. How was Miles?”

At that moment, the upstairs toilet flushed again.

Dad looked up, a frown on his face.

Mum looked at me, a frown on her face.

I looked at the floor. Wow. How come I’d never noticed how fascinating our kitchen floor was before?

“Clare?”

“Um, yeah?”

“Is there somebody up there?”

“Technically… yes.”

Mum narrowed her eyes. “Have you got a
man
up there? A yes or no answer will do.”

“Um, yes?”

Then Miles poked his head around the door, a huge smile on his face.

“Morning, Sheila. Morning, Graham.”

God, he looked edible. He was wearing the tux and white shirt, and his bow tie was hanging out of his pocket. Forget the bacon sandwiches – I wanted to eat
him
.

“Morning, Miles,” said mum, faintly. “Bacon sandwich?”

“Oh, brilliant! Thanks, Sheila. I’ve missed your bacon sandwiches. I haven’t had anything like that in forever.”

He sat at the table, just like he had so many times before, except this time he picked up my hand from my lap and kissed my fingers.
In front of mum and dad!

My face exploded with color, and mum dropped the frying pan back onto the cooker with a loud clang.

“Hey, baby,” he said to me. “You look beautiful this morning.”

Dad choked on his tea. We all knew I looked like the back of a bus that had broken down. I
prayed
that Miles would never lose his rose-tinted glasses. They suited him so well.

Unsurprisingly, we ate in silence after that. Well, the three members of the
Milton household did. Miles chatted away, asking questions about mutual friends, and catching up on all the local gossip. As much as was possible, given our single syllable answers.

At the end of the meal, dad stood up and cleared his throat.

“I’d like to have a word with you, please, Miles,” he said. “If you’d like to come through to my study.”

“Dad! You haven’t got a study!” I snapped. “It’s the garden shed – and it’ll be freezing!”

He ignored me with a dignified silence. Miles grinned and winked, then leaned down to kiss me.

“Don’t worry, baby,” he whispered. “I’ll tell him that my intentions are strictly honorable… even if they aren’t.”

And then he followed dad into our tiny back garden.

“Well!” said mum.

“Yeah,” I said, chewing on yet another fingernail.

“So, you and Miles?”

“Yeah.”

“At last.”

“Yeah.”

She smiled. “How does it feel?”

I closed my eyes. “Wonderful.”

She leaned over and gave me a hug.

“I’m so happy for you both.”

“Thanks, mum.”

Dad and Miles didn’t stay in the shed very long. Well, it was December. But I think they’d been at the sherry, because dad was swaying slightly as he walked back up the garden path.

When I finally got Miles alone, he told me that the conversation had been okay.

Just okay?! It made me crazy that he wouldn’t tell me what had been said!