Dead End Dating (18 page)

“You’re already done?”

“What can I say? I’m excited.” She gave me a curious look, which I ignored by reaching for the stack of messages.

“I’m heading out then,” she told me. “Don’t forget the client in room A.”

“Got it. Be careful.” Evie disappeared, and I shoved the messages from my mother to the side while I dialed Francis. His machine picked up. “I know you’re there. I can hear you breathing,” I told him. Nothing. “If you don’t pick up, I’ll just keep calling and then I’ll start hanging out on your doorstep. You can’t avoid me forever.” Nothing. “If you don’t pick up, I’ll call your cable company and have them disconnect your game show channel.”

Click.

“You wouldn’t,” he said.

“No, I wouldn’t, but it got you to pick up the phone. Now what’s up?”

“Have you talked to Melissa?”

“I’m talking to you first.” I didn’t tell him she’d called. Twice. Not a good sign.

“I totally suck at this,” he said after a long pause during which I could envision him turning every shade of red, from blistering to crimson. “Not literally,” he rushed on. “I remembered what you said about no biting and I didn’t suck on anyone, so we don’t have that to worry about. Not that I would have even if you hadn’t told me the rule. I don’t really like to eat in social situations but—”

“You’re digressing. Get to the point.”

“It was terrible.
I
was terrible. I just can’t do this.”

“What exactly happened?”

“Nothing. I just sat there and it was terrible. Every one was staring at me. Except for Melissa. She wouldn’t even look in my direction. I even tried to talk to her.”

“You didn’t.”

“I know I was supposed to be the strong, silent type, but it was so quiet and we weren’t dancing or anything so I had to do
something.
I figured it was better to talk than try to waltz. I don’t dance very well.”

“I never would have guessed. So what did you talk about?”
Please, no scrapbooking.

“I told her about my latest scrapbook.”

Ka-boommm!
“You didn’t!”

“I couldn’t help it. We were sitting there and every one else was having fun and we weren’t doing
anything.
I opened my mouth, and it just came out.”

This was not the end of the world. It didn’t matter if Melissa had had a horrible time. All that mattered was that she’d had a date. An attractive date, I reminded myself. He
had
looked pretty hot, even if he hadn’t perfected the attitude to go with it. And she’d just contracted for a date. Any old date. In her own words, a warm body.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I really didn’t mean to mess things up. I bet she hates me.”

“I’m sure she doesn’t hate you.”

“She certainly doesn’t like me.”

“She’s not supposed to like you, remember?”

“I know. I just thought…” His voice trailed off. “You’re right. It doesn’t matter if she likes me. Or if I like her. I’m not doing it again.”

“Of course you are—you like her?”

“Sure. She’s nice.”

“She’s human, and totally inappropriate. You’re letting this failure make you crazy. Just calm down,” I said, despite the ringing in my ears and the frantic beat of my heart. “Everything is going to be okay.”

“No, it’s not. That’s why I’m not doing it again. Our deal…Let’s just forget it. I’m terrible when it comes to women.”

“
Human
women. You haven’t tried a female vampire yet.” Just the thought made my heart pound that much faster.

“You think I’ll be any smoother?”

“Most definitely.” Hopefully. “Especially after Saturday night. The whole point was to give you a chance to get the screwups out of the way with someone who isn’t a potential eternity mate. You did, which means you’re ready to try someone who is.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“You didn’t throw up, did you?”

“No.”

“You didn’t talk about
The Price Is Right,
did you?”

“No.”

“You didn’t mention Britney or the twins?”

“No.”

“Then I’d say you did pretty good. So you slipped up once? You’ll do better next time.”

“You really think so?”

“I know it. You’re growing, Francis. Evolving. Getting comfortable in your vamp skin. A few more training sessions and you’ll be right at home with the opposite sex.”

At least that’s what I was desperately hoping.

I talked Francis up a few more seconds until my second line rang—yay!—and I had to let him go.

“Stop beating yourself up. Before we’re through, you’ll be total vampiric beefcake,” I told him before disconnecting and punching the blinking button for line two. “Dead End Dating. Where happily ever after is just a date away.”

“Lil? It’s Melissa.”

Three times. Yikes! “Melissa! I was just going to call you.”
Not.
“No need to thank me for Saturday night. I’m just glad I could help.”

“Thank you? I have no intention of thanking you.”

“It’s really against our policy to give refunds when we’ve fulfilled our part of the deal—”

“A thank-you isn’t nearly enough. He was wonderful!”

“While we pride ourselves on making a perfect match, we can’t realistically be expected to hit pay dirt the first time—what did you just say?”

“I said he was wonderful. Great. Fantastic.”

“Who?”

She laughed. “Who do you think? Francis, silly. He’s the most handsome man I’ve ever met. And such a good conversationalist. And he’s got a great sense of humor.”

“Francis?”

“He’s like a dream come true.”

“Francis?”

“I have to go out with him again.”

Just as the words registered, the conversation with Francis replayed in my head. “I, um, don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”

“He didn’t like me?”

“Sure, he liked you.” Okay, if I totally failed at the dating business, I could always find work at Liars-RUs. “He thought you were, um, really great.”

“He didn’t like me, did he? I knew it. It’s the story of my life. No decent guy is ever interested. I’m a bum magnet. If there’s a loser within a fifty-mile radius, he’ll be knocking on my door. But the good ones…They run the other way.”

“You are
not
a bum magnet,” I heard myself say. “You’re a beautiful, vibrant woman with oodles to offer the right guy.”

“So you think he’ll go out with me again, then?”

“I haven’t actually spoken with him, but when I do, I’m sure he’ll be itching to see you again.”

“You’re the best, Lil. I really had zero expectations when I went to you. I just wanted off my mom’s radar. But now I’m actually starting to think that I may have met The One. And it’s all because of you. You’ve totally changed my mind about love.”

“Glad I could be of service.” I said good-bye, slid the phone into place, and resisted the urge to impale myself with the letter opener sitting on the corner of my desk.

What had I done?

I’d just given Melissa false hope and set her up for an even bigger heartache.

Then again, maybe she was a drama queen and she hadn’t really liked Francis half as much as she’d made out.

I turned to my computer, pulled up her file, and did a search for “overly dramatic.”

There are zero matches…

Ugh. I was definitely having the vampiric equivalent of a bad hair day.

I
craved a fix in the
worst
way.

The thought ambushed me when I rounded the corner a half hour later and spotted the guy standing at the entrance to a nearby alley.

Okay, so I don’t usually go ga-ga over anyone or anything in the general vicinity of so much garbage and muck (see
New York City alley
in your handy
Webster’s
). But I’d been having a hellacious evening, and it had been sooooo long since I’d fallen off the wagon.

I was definitely ready to take a nosedive.

Remember your priorities, I told myself. Namely, I had a client in room A and I’d run out of coffee. A major emergency thanks to Evie and her “sit back, relax, and enjoy complimentary coffee and dessert while filling out your Dead End Dating profile” addition to our local ad. Which meant I desperately needed a bag of Starbucks gourmet roast, enough scones to make it through the rest of tonight’s appointments, and some extra packets of sugar. End of
must have right now or will be sued for false advertising
list.

I didn’t need
this.

My nostrils flared at the familiar scent, and my mouth watered. My ears perked, and I heard the steady sound of his breathing and the
thump thump
of his pulse. My gaze traveled the length of the guy, from his Knicks cap, down past his beat-up leather jacket, his slouchy jeans, to his high-dollar tennis shoes, and back up again before my attention zeroed in on the gold creation in his meaty hand. A Prada clutch like the one I’d seen at Barney’s just last week.

“Can I touch it?” I breathed.

“Sure thing, little lady.”

“It’s amazing.” My fingertip traced the smooth buckle, and I practically orgasmed right there on the spot.

“It’s a bargain at fifty bucks.”

“
Fifty
bucks? Are you crazy?” Okay, so I was the crazy one. Fifty bucks should have started some major alarm bells, but I was so desperate that I didn’t see past the shiny gold clasp and sequined material. “That’s a steal.”

“Hey, keep your voice down, lady. This stuff is totally legit.”

Which totally explained the alley showroom.

“I don’t know if I have that much on me.” I whipped open the wallet I’d pulled out of my purse before starting my mission for…Now, what was it I’d been after? The handbag reflected the neon sign across the street and glittered a thousand shades of gold and pink and blue. “I don’t suppose you’d take a check?” I shifted my attention from the purse to the man, and my gaze clashed with his.

“Are you fuckin’ insane? This ain’t motherfuckin’ Macy’s—” The words seemed to stall in his throat, and he swallowed. His brown eyes glazed over, and a hungry, desperate light fired in the dark depths.

I recognized the look even though it seemed ages since I’d seen it. I couldn’t help but smile.

“I’ve got a twenty,” I told him. “Otherwise, I have to use my checkbook.”

“Yeah, yeah. Sure. Whatever you say.”

“So you’ll take twenty? Or do I write the check for the full amount?”

“Sure. I mean, no. I mean, you take it.” He thrust the bag into my hands. “If you like this one, I’ve got another right here. It’s silver. And a black leather one, too. And brown crocodile—”

“That’s okay. This is fine.” I held the bag close and let the feel of all that mesh sink into my skin. “Thanks so much.”

“Thank
you.
”

“No, really.” I smiled at him. “It’s way hot. I absolutely love it.”

His eyes gleamed with sincerity. “I love
you.
”

Uh-oh. I fixed my most intense stare on him. “You don’t love me,” I said in my most persuasive voice. “You like me. Got that?
Like.
Just think of me as your sister.”

“I don’t have a sister.”

“Then consider me a good friend.”

“I don’t have any friends. Unless you count Jimmy down at the chop shop. But he’d sell his own mother out if the price was right, so I have to watch my back. But you’re different. You’re
really
hot.”

He took a step forward, and I took a step back.

Not out of fear, mind you. I could have broken him in two if the need arose. But I’m really more of a lover than a fighter—like you don’t already know
that
—and, geez, it’s not as if the poor guy could help himself.

“What about your grandmother?” I blurted, eager to distract him from whatever lusty, demented road his brain was currently cruising down. I needed a totally nonsexual person to compare myself to. “A guy’s gotta love his grandma.”

“Died before I was born.”

O-kay. “An aunt?”

“Only one.”

He seemed to pause, and I took the opportunity and ran with it. “I bet she’s very sweet and maternal. You’re lucky to have her.”

“She sold my Tonka truck when I was a kid to buy a rock of cocaine.”

“Oh. I’m so sorry.”

He shrugged. “Life’s a bitch, but you keep going.” Another step forward. Another step back. “You ever play with a Tonka truck?”

“I can’t say that I have.”

“They’re really cool. I’ve got an entire collection back at my place. Wanna see ’em?”

I’d heard a lot of pickup lines in my five hundred years. This, I had to admit, was a definite first.

I had to give him kudos for originality.

But that was all I was giving him.

“You know.” I smiled, and he practically salivated.
Bad smile.
I drew my forehead into a frown. “I’d really like to, but I’m sort of in a hurry.” I turned. “Nice doing business with you.”

“Wait!” His voice followed me as I darted back around the corner.
Mucho gracias
to the Big Vamp Upstairs for preternatural speed. “Can I go with you?” he called after me.

But there was no place to go because I’d already made it safely back to my office while the guy still stood around the block, too lovestruck to move.