Dead of Winter (13 page)

“Like what?”

“We might be goan extinct, Evie. As in, our species is goan to lose this one. And yet Milovníci is the only one mobilizing folks? Somebody's got
to stand up to him. For some reason, it's fallen to me.” Another swig.

“You're drinking again. I thought you quit.” He'd started so young.

“Had to be sharp to get back to you. To fight your enemies.” A shadow crossed his expression. “But after a while, you didn't want me to.”

I couldn't deny that. “And now?”

In a low tone, he said, “Drinking helps with the pain.” I knew he meant
anguish
. His tolerance for physical pain was off the charts. “I didn't expect you to come, Evie.”

“Of course I would.” In a softer voice, I said, “Will you please tell me what happened to you? To Clotile?”

He faced me with such a tormented look that I shivered. “I'll
never
tell you.
Jamais
.”

“Jack, I have to know.”

“I felt the same way. Now? I wish to Christ I didn't know.” His flask shook in his hand. “I wish I could've killed those two myself—making it last.”

“Your friend was with you. I'm so sorry.”

Brows drawn tight, he said, “You ever order yourself not to think about something? With my podna . . .” Jack's breaths whistled like a weight pressed down on his chest. “I'm hanging on by a thread here, Evangeline.”

Oh, Jack.
My gaze dipped to the edge of his bandage. There was no way I could tell him about Aric. Not right now. I refused to snip that thread.

Jack pulled up his shirt to conceal the bandage. Embarrassed? In front of me? “I'll have this forever,
non
?” He lifted his chin. “That's what the doc said.”

“You survived Vincent and Violet. Which is all that matters.”

“You nearly didn't. Selena told me you fought off the High Priestess too.”

I nodded.

“And that you almost killed Tess for me. Made the girl . . . take you
back in time, to save my sight. What the hell happened? Joules and Gabe woan say much about it.”

Deciding on total honesty, I said, “The twins took out your eyes with a hot spoon.”

“Doan know how to react to that.” So he took a drink. “I saw Tess this morning.
Maigre, non? 
” Skinny, no? “But she wasn't mad. Couldn't say enough good about you.”

Then she must not remember what happened. “I heard you yell. I lost it.”

Hope flared in those gray eyes. “If you care that much, did you come here to be with me? Like we were? Or like we could be in time?”

“Things are different now.” I didn't want him to expect something I wasn't sure I could give. “They just are.”

“Maybe you came running out of guilt. Because Arcana had me?”

“I'd already planned to find you—before you were taken.”

“Death was goan to let you go?”

“Not exactly.” Never. “It doesn't matter. I'm here now.”

“It does matter. How did you get away?”

“Matthew helped me.” True, but evasive.

“But you didn't take down the Reaper?” Again, I felt Jack's disappointment in me. “Even after what he did to us? Even after he left me and
coo-yôn
, Finn and Selena to die?” He pointed to my hands, to the icons. “You killed two. Why not Death?”

“I learned more about the history of the games, about why he hated me. I wasn't exactly Miss Congeniality in the past. I betrayed him in ways you can't imagine.”

Jack swiped his hand over his bruised face. “Try me.”

“It's complicated. Earlier I didn't press for answers from you, and now I want to drop this subject.”

He looked like he was just getting started. “Joules told me about the offer he made you. You had a chance to get me freed days ago, but you didn't take it!”

“There's a lot about Death that you don't know. That
I
didn't.”

“He's goan to be coming for you.”

I wasn't convinced. “I have no idea what to expect.”

“Did you know you were the only one he could touch?”

I shook my head. “Not before I was taken.”

“I didn't figure much could shock me anymore. Then I found out the bastard wanted you for himself. Not to kill—but to keep. That true?”

“It was.” Once.

“
Coo-yôn
told me all about him. A rich noble knight. Speaks eight languages or some shit. Gave you a warm room in a castle and protection from this entire fucking world.” I'd ordered Matthew to tell Jack I was safe; he might have spread it on a little heavy. “Maybe you were stupid to leave.”

Stupid?
“You've got a lot of nerve coming at me like this! You were the one who lied to me.” I grappled with my temper, reminding myself of all he'd been through.

“Death told you those things just to drive a wedge between us.”

“If you'd been honest with me, the truth wouldn't have been such a blow.”

“How the hell was I supposed to tell you about your mother?” He finished his flask. “A thousand times I imagined your reaction. There was nothing I could say that didn't equal me losing you.”

“For so long, I was trapped at Death's, with no friends or family to turn to. Then I learned that you'd done this thing. That you'd lied about it. Easily.” My words appeared to hurt him worse than his recent torture. “Do you remember when we promised each other there'd be no more secrets between us? I do. I remember your eyes darted.” Like it was yesterday . . .

“Are you
lying
to me? Jack, nothing is more important than trust right now. Considering this game, this whole world, we have to be able to depend on each other.”

“I'm not lying. You can trust me alone, Evie. I got no secrets, peekôn. Except for how bad I want you.”

“I was such an idiot to believe you,” I said. “I bought everything you
told me, against my better judgment. You heaped so much shit on me for keeping things from you—when you hid plenty from me!”

He shoved his fingers through his hair. “I sensed things were off with you. I sensed you were in danger. I needed to know more, because I wanted to protect you. But my secrets would do nothing but tear us apart.”

“Then try me now. Tell me what happened that night with my mother.”

“You got to hear this, doan you? To get past it? Then I will. I'll tell you.” In preparation, he dragged out a bottle from under his cot, refilling his flask.

Suddenly I wasn't sure I wanted to hear this at all.

“Your
mère
got the idea in her head when you were knocked out from that shotgun blast.”

My one and only time to fire a weapon.

“She couldn't make it down the stairs, much less out on the road—so she wanted me to take you away, to save you from the Azey. When I pointed out that you'd never leave her, she goes, ‘Not unless I'm dead.' ”

As I waited breathlessly, he took his seat once more, flask in hand. “Karen told me, ‘You're going to help me, son; you just don't know it yet.' ”

Though I'd refused to see the vision of her death, Matthew must've given this memory to me. With each of Jack's words, details of the scene seeped into my consciousness.

I could smell the faint traces of gardenia in my mother's room, and Jack's scent: leather, and Castile soap from when he'd washed up that day.

I heard the wheeze in each of Mom's breaths. Her face was twisted from pain, which she'd hidden from me. I could see the pulse point in Jack's neck beating as he scrambled away from my mother, telling her he couldn't help her die. . . .

“No way I'd do that.” His gaze went distant. “No fucking way. But she got this look on her face—like she had steel in her eyes. She
promised me she'd slit her own throat with a shard of glass if she had to. And damn, Evie, I
believed
her.”

My fierce mother would have. “How did you do it?” The words came out as a whisper.

“Between Karen and me, we knew just enough about pills to be dangerous. There used to be a dealer down in the bayou. Before you woke, I rode out and fetched his stash.”

“So during that dinner, both of you knew what was going to happen when I went to bed. I never suspected a thing from your behavior.” Dee-vee-oh.

“I tried to make it nice for her.”

“So she . . . OD'd? There wasn't”—I swallowed—“you didn't use a pillow?”

Jack blanched under his bruises. “She asked me to. Dawn was coming, the army with it. And she was afraid you'd wake up before the dose took hold. I asked her to give it time, distracting her with questions about you.”

While I'd slept soundly.

“Christ, I wanted those pills to work, couldn't imagine hurting her like that. But so much was at stake, I suspect . . . I think I would have. She believed I could, told me so.” He tipped that flask up. “I doan know what that says about her—or me.”

Eyes watering, I surveyed Jack's face. How haunted he was! My mom had sacrificed everything to save me, but at what cost? She'd used a teenage boy to help her die.

I couldn't hate him. Just the opposite.

He'd saved my life and ended my mother's suffering, when I'd been stupidly holding out hope. He'd spared her the horror of a violent passing and stayed with her to the very end.

Matthew's words: “Whenever he helps, he hurts.”

Jack
had helped and been hurt.

I'd so long associated him with grief because of his involvement in her death.

That association faded to nothing.

“In the end, I think the pills took her by surprise. She was looking at that picture of you, her, and your
grand-mère
. She was half-smiling, half-crying—like she was happy for sixteen years with you, but terrified about your future. No room for her to be afraid for herself, no. I told her I'd take care of you for as long as I could. Then her eyes just . . . slid shut.”

Now I knew. Now I had closure. As Jack had once told me, my mother “died in grace.”

“Evie, what will it take to get you to forgive me?”

I swiped a sleeve over my eyes. “I forgive you. I have no doubt that my mother would've done it anyway. Because of you, she went peacefully.” My voice broke. “Because of you, she wasn't alone.”

“But . . .”

“But I don't know how I can trust you. You're really
skilled
at lying. It's like an Arcana talent of yours or something.” When Jack had first come to Haven after the Flash, I'd distrusted him fiercely. I felt the same way now.

He shot to his feet, started pacing. “I didn't want to lie!”

“There's a pattern. You wanted to look in my journal, so you stole it. You wanted to know about the Arcana, so you listened to my story on that tape. You demand honesty and disclosure from me, but give me neither in return.”

He pinned my gaze with his frenzied one. “I will never lie to you again!”

“How can I believe that?” I cried, standing as well. “Already we have a new unknown between us—what the Lovers did to you.”

“I'll tell you right now: I got more secrets, me. A whole mess of 'em. And some are goan to the grave with me. You're just goan to have to accept that.”

If we kept his secrets buried, then couldn't I bury my own?

No. Not telling him about Aric would be as good as lying. Eventually, I'd have to.

He drew closer, until he was staring down at me. “All my life I've dug at mysteries, solved puzzles. If the twins taught me anything, I learned that some things doan need to be known. That they're even uglier when brought to light.”

The Priestess's words filtered into my brain.
Mysteries brought to light.
In a way, she and Jack were similar—

“Do you love me?” His blunt question took me off guard.

Total honesty? I swallowed. “Yes.”

His eyes briefly slid shut. I thought some of his tension would fade, but it redoubled. “Good. Then you're goan to accept my secrets—and me. Because I can't keep doing this without you.”

“This?” We were toe to toe, breathing heavily.

“
This
, Evie. Life after the Flash. Fighting for something better.” He tangled one hand through my hair, cupping my head. “It's you for me. Or it's nothing.” Holding me tightly, he slanted his mouth over mine.

A hint of whiskey met my tongue—like a match to dry kindling. Lust slammed into me, as if we'd trained my body to react to that sense memory.

He pulled me even closer against him, coaxing me to kiss back. I'd missed him so much! With a moan I did, wrapping my arms around his neck.

He groaned with pleasure—and relief?

I melted from the heat of his body against mine, trying to breathe him into me. We'd only been together once. We deserved another time like our first. He deserved to feel at peace afterward.

What was to stop us . . . ?

Death. What I'd done with Aric. To Aric.

Somehow I managed to draw back. “I have to talk to you.” I would explain, make him understand.

He leaned in, pressing kisses to my neck in his toe-curling way. “I missed you, Evangeline. So goddamned much. When you wanted nothing to do with me . . .” He gave a shuddering exhalation against my damp skin. “Thought I'd go mad, me.”

More kisses, more heat, more confusion.

This time with him felt momentous, as if I were about to step onto a path I could never leave.

Path?

“Ah, honeysuckle.” He loosened his grip from my hair. “You missed me too,
peekôn
.” He laid his hands on either side of my neck, tilting my head up with his thumbs so our gazes met. “I'd do it all over to have you back.”