Dead of Winter (37 page)

Mistrust. Fear. Vulnerability.

Both would help me find my grandmother. Aric could do it faster, but Gran might be out for blood if she saw him. . . .

At what should have been dawn, the roosters crowed, demanding my answer.

At what should have been dawn, it came to me.

I imagined myself on a road, my life as a journey. On one side of the road was Aric. On the other side was Jack. Who would I beckon to join me?

I knew what I had to do.

As I hurried across the fort, the air was colder than I'd felt it A.F. My breath smoked. Whenever I had to step off the plankway, frozen mud crunched beneath my boots.

I stopped outside Aric's borrowed tent. I could hear him pacing, his spurs clinking. I knew he hadn't slept. “Can I come in?”

He opened the flap, ushering me inside. He scanned my face. Flashed me a look of disbelief. “You've chosen the mortal.”

I might feel like I was supposed to be with Aric, but . . . “I fell for Jack before you changed toward me. It was a done thing.”

Aric's eyes slid closed, but not before I saw the anguish in them.

I'd chosen Jack for more reasons than one. I'd decided what I wanted to do with my life: blow up the machine—and remain a decent person. I would repurpose myself, return to Haven, and rebuild a life—with Jack, Gran, and one day Matthew.

I would fight to make life better for people, which meant being out in the world. Instead of barricading myself inside Death's castle of lost time.

Aric's eyes opened. “By his actions, I wonder if Deveaux still feels the same way? I had a conversation with him, explaining some realities—”

“Stop, please. I'm going to trust him, just as he trusts me.”

“And so it's . . . done?” Aric looked as if he couldn't reconcile this, like he might double over—or crush something. “I felt so strongly about you, I thought . . . I had no doubt that you must feel the same.” His expression was baffled. He'd never been in love before, didn't understand what had befallen him.

Like an affliction? I shook that thought away. “Aric, I do love you. But I loved Jack first.”

“How much of your decision rested on what he told you yesterday?”

“I could never expect Lark to play patsy for us.” And how would that program work with Finn in the picture? “If that's the only way to be with you . . . can't you see why it'd be wrong?”

“It was a backup plan. In case we're unable to end the game.”

“But you don't believe we can?”

Curt shake of his head. Honest as ever.

“You want me to turn into that horrifying witch, unleashing a power in me that should never be brought to light. I can't do it. I can't live like that.”

His pupils were blown, as if he were in shock. Gritting his teeth, he reached forward to clutch my nape. His other fist clenched so hard, metal groaned. Voice a harsh rasp, he said, “Do you remember when the Fool sent you a vision of me, one with nothing but blackness and ruins?”

I nodded up at him. “You told me that's what it's like in your head. You asked me if I thought Death should dream in color.”

“
Sievā
, when we were together, I
began to
. Will you banish me back to that place of nothingness?”

My heart stuttered, my eyes watering.

“Even now, your tears gut me.” He dropped his hand, turning from me. “I can't . . . I can't be here.”

“Wait, can't we please just talk? Are we never going to see each other again?”

He twisted around. “You think I can be near you? Knowing I have
no hope of you? You'd curse me to that? My immortal lifetime wasn't enough time spent coveting you?”

Tears fell. “I don't want to hurt you.” For strength, I slipped my hand into my pocket, rubbing that ribbon. I'd made up my mind to give it back to Jack. Totally decided.

So why did I feel this unbearable grief to part from Aric? This
wrongness
? Why was I wrecked to the core? “I'm just having a hard time accepting that this is good-bye. Forever.”

“Oh no, not forever,” he grated, his eyes dazzling with pain. “You'll win this game, wife, I'll make sure of it. Then
you
will wait an eternity for
me
to return.” With a last consuming look, he said, “After so much killing, it comes back to me, Empress. Something dies in me today.” He strode away.

For long moments, I stared at nothing, my body trembling. Had I just made the worst mistake of my life?

Aric Domīnija was a magnificent, brilliant man who wanted me above all things. And I loved him. I knew I always would.

One love fated. One love endless.

I stumbled out into the dark morning. Dazed, I made my way to Jack. I needed him to enfold me in his arms, to murmur in French that everything would be okay.

And I wanted to find out what Aric had told him. What
realities
?

I entered his tent—

My breath hitched. Empty? His bag was gone, his books. I dropped to my knees to look under his cot. He'd taken his stash of whiskey bottles.

Jack had left me.

I was hyperventilating by the time I found a letter next to a two-way radio on his desk. Tears hit the paper as I read:

Evangeline,

I'm riding out early with the army.

I know who you're going to choose, know it won't be me. Now that I'm more familiar with that bastard, I've got to face facts. You weren't with him because he messed with your head—you were with him because you wanted him over me. You and Death have something that I don't understand, and I've got to start trying to get over you.

To pull your thorn from my skin.

Doesn't mean I won't be looking over my shoulder, praying you'll come running after me. Or pick up that radio and tell me to rush back to you.

Selena's riding out with us, says that'll make you jealous and up my chances. I'm not above that, peekôn.

But I don't expect it. You're going to head east toward the last of your family. And once you find your grandmother,
you'll need to keep her safe. She doesn't belong out on the road any more than you do. Both of you will be protected at the Reaper's home. Hole up and plant your roots there.

Sunlamps and food and safety. Sounds mighty nice. I want that for you.

Because I love you.

This might be the most noble thing I've ever done. Noble, for the record, hurts like a blade to the heart.

Je t'aimerai toujours,

Jack

Je t'aimerai toujours.
I will love you forever.

I snatched up the radio, pressing the talk button. “Jack!”

Static.

“Can you hear me? I'm coming to you!”

Nothing.

Radio in hand, I stuffed the note into my jacket and hurried back to Finn's tent for my bug-out bag. He still slept.

I whispered, “Good-bye, Magician.” Cyclops raised his head and sighed. I bent to scratch his frizzy head. “Thank you for everything, boy. I hope I get to see you and Lark again some day.” I grabbed my bag, then sprinted for my horse.

How much of a head start did Jack have? Surely I could reach the army in a couple of hours. The convoy would be hauling trailers, and the roads sucked. I could follow the wheel ruts.

Jack had no idea how much I loved him. I'd never even said the words, “I love you” to him. The urgency I felt to reach him, to tell him, strangled me.

When I careened into the stable, my poor mare's expression:
Oh, for fuck's sake.

I saddled her in record time, then tore out of the gate. Shit, the mines! How to get around them? I knew
about
where they were.

I spotted tracks in the frozen mud. Thanatos's hoofprints. Using them to reach Jack didn't seem fair; I still did.

Past the mines and rock forest, I followed the river toward the bridge.

In the distance, I saw Death atop a rise, his shoulders back, his helmet off, his pale hair blowing in the wind.

Even from here, even amidst my panic, I felt his longing. In another lifetime, I could have been happy with him. In another lifetime, perhaps I would be.

With tears threatening once more, I turned from him.
Don't look back, Evie, don't look back.
He'd see it as some kind of sign. As encouragement. I knew this.

But I wanted one last glimpse of the man who'd turned my existence inside out. We locked gazes, his eyes like stars.

Time seemed to slow. I thought of the tattoos on his chest and his centuries of longing. Now he knew what he was missing. He'd told me the week we'd been apart had been gut-wrenching; I was leaving him for the rest of this lifetime. Banishing him to a place of nothingness.

How could he endure it?

Doubt filled me. No, I loved Jack. I was going to be with Jack. I would focus on the road ahead, on the future. Instead of the past.

When I dragged my gaze from Aric, his blood-curdling roar echoed across the countryside.

I pressed the back of my hand against my mouth, stifling a sob as I reached the bridge. Speeding across Circe's abyss, I gave her tears in toll. . . .

For over an hour, I rode, checking the radio's reception at every rise. Uninterrupted static.

I thought I spied a snowflake, wafting down like a petal. Probably just more ash—

No, there was another. And another. Real snow! This had to be a good sign. If the world couldn't yet improve, at least it could
change
.

If the sun could
dis
appear, it could
re 
appear.

I tried the radio again. Nothing.

The flakes grew into a flurry. Soon a layer of snow stuck to the ground, painting it white. Did the air feel fresher? Fluffy down blanketed soot, and I welcomed it, even as riding became precarious.

Was Aric seeing the snow? Did it remind him of his childhood home in the north? I could scarcely comprehend that I would never see him again.

Every other minute, a snowflake would hit one of my eyes directly, the sting blurring my vision. I would blink to clear my eyes, and a detail from one of my last encounters with Death would blossom in my mind.

His hooded gaze as he'd said, “Can you comprehend what it's like to touch her after so long without? For this bliss, I'll risk the bullet. I'll
take
a bullet.”

Blink.

The way his hands had shaken when he'd held me, as if I was the most delicate and precious thing in the entire world. “ . . . you must know that you have my love. It's given,
sievā
. Wholly entrusted to you. Have a care with it.”

Blink.

His murmurs late in the night: “There's so much about the game I could teach you. So much about life you could teach me. Let's begin this, little wife.”

Blink. Blink. Blink.
My tears mingled with crystalline snow. . . .

Time passed, the landscape becoming rockier, icier, white fluff obscuring the trail.

I passed an abandoned mine entrance—never welcome—and increased my speed even more. How long had I gone without checking the radio? I urged the mare up a steep grade. “Go, go!” At the top, I pressed the talk button. “Jack? Please answer me!”

“Evie? . . . can't . . . you.”

“I'm coming for you!” Down the slippery hill I went, the mare's hooves skidding on ice. Spurring the horse, I crested a higher rise.
“Can you hear me?”

From this vantage, I could see the army in the far distance! They'd descended into a valley. The lights of the slow-moving convoy looked like a glowworm wending through the snowy dark. But I didn't see a trail down.

“
Bébé  
? Where are you?”

“I can see the Azey trucks! I'm on the rise looking over the valley!”

“You coming with me,
peekôn
?” he rasped. “For true, you chose Ole Jack?”

“Like you could get rid of me that easily, Cajun.” I grinned madly, convinced I'd made the right decision. “I don't ever want to be apart again.”

I heard Selena in the background saying, “Told you it would work, dumbass.” She sounded like her eye-rolling self. As ever, she was by his side, watching his six. “We should go get her before she breaks her stupid neck.”

I'd better get used to the Archer, because apparently, she'd be living in New Acadiana with me and Jack, Matthew and Gran. “I
can
ride to you.” I held my hand over my eyes, squinting against the snow. “Just tell me the best way down.”

“
Non
, you stay put!” Jack quickly said. “The way's icy. I know where you are; we're coming to you!”

“Okay, I'll be here.” I couldn't stop smiling.
This
was why we fought to survive. For love.

Vincent had it all wrong.
I'd
had it wrong. Love wasn't the most destructive force in the universe.

Love
is
the universe.
That
is the point.

Between breaths, Jack said, “So this is snow, huh?” He'd never seen it before.

Excitement bubbled up, and I started laughing. I pressed the radio button. “Isn't it amazing? Everything looks clean.”

Over his mount's pounding hoofbeats, he said, “Still can't believe you're coming with me. I'm goan to take you home, Evangeline Greene!” The joy in his voice sent my heart soaring. “Goddamn, I love
you, woman.”

I parted my lips to finally say those three words—

—QUAKE BEFORE ME.—

I jerked in the saddle. Arcana call?

Dread spiked inside me. “Jack!” I cried into the radio. “The Emperor's here! You've got to get away!”