Deadly Shadows (18 page)

“I’m fine. Why?”

“Tim called.”

Jesslyn looked away and licked her lips. Of course, Tim had called. Tears pricked the backs of her eyes.

“I’m fine,” she repeated.

“Well, pardon me, Missy, but you don’t look fine. You look like a wind could blow you over. You’re a bit pale,” Jock commented the last bit softer than the other words.

“Dad.” Aiden’s patience was clearly growing short.

Jesslyn only saw concern on his face. The tears threatening choked her.

“You want to talk about it?” he asked.

Jesslyn looked away, but still she felt his weighing gaze on her. She knew every time he tried to read her.

“No, not really.” She wanted to be by herself, figure out how she felt about things, didn’t she?

“Jessie.” The way he drew her name out, made her feel like crying all that much more.

All she had to do was walk to him. He’d put his arms around her and let her cry on his shoulder.

And she would have done that, if things hadn’t shaken her up this afternoon at the funeral home. It was that young couple who had been in making arrangements for their child.

The feeling of loss that plagued her all afternoon roared to life, but she tried her best to ignore it.“Jessie, look at me,” Aiden said, stepping towards her, but she backed up.

No, she couldn’t lean. If he touched her….

She shook her head no, but her mouth opened up on its own. “I’m fine, really. I am. I just need--need to go write. Think.”

His eyes narrowed in their study of her.

Jesslyn blurted, “You know, most of the time I understand death. It’s simply part of life.

Maddy’s not the first friend I’ve lost, but the rest were distant, you know? Jerrod lost his younger cousin in an auto accident.” She shrugged. “That same fate ripped my whole world away. The sad thing is that if I sat down and put pen to paper, I’d bet my next contract I’ve been to more funerals than to weddings.” She looked at him then. “What in the hell does that say about me?” She walked to the window.

Rain dripped off the eve of the house, the water dull in the fading light.

Now Maddy. “You know, everyone was so anxious or scared that I’d have a break down or something when Mama died.” She licked her lips and wiped a tear away. “But I didn’t. I helped Daddy with all the arrangements, all the phone calls, all the everything that no one realizes such a situation entails.”

She turned back to Aiden. “This isn’t what I wanted to say, and I’m getting off subject.”

She put her hands out. “Look, I just need some time by myself.” She felt like her line to level ground was starting to fray. Maybe it was all the time she spent with Aiden that was making her forget things. Maybe it was the reminder of everything today.

“You’re tired,” Aiden said. “Why don’t we get something to eat?”

“I’m not hungry.” And yes she was tired. Jesslyn was tired of death, sick of its wake throwing her about. Why couldn’t life be simple?

Why was all this--this emotion swirling around her now? Her throat closed up. She

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swallowed hard, trying to fight the battle she’d won all day against, but Aiden was right, she was tired and battered. It wouldn’t be long before her emotions broke and she hit bottom.

“I can still smell her blood on my hands. And today at her house, I swear I could smell those damn lilies. I
hate
lilies.” She rubbed her forehead.

Aiden walked to her and she didn’t pull away as his long fingers smoothed along her hair, her neck. “You need to eat, or I’ll be feeding you some bready carbs again.”

She tried for a smile. “I’m--I’m fine.”

Aiden bent his knees, his hands on her shoulders and stared at her in that intense way of his, straight, unblinking, the corners of his eyes slightly creasing. Paradoxically, it was unnerving, yet comforting.

“Your ‘fine’ rings hollow, but I’ll leave it for now. I know if I pushed, you’d only push back and that would only put more distance between us than what you’re already throwing up.

I’m a patient man, Jessie, I told you that last night, and I didn’t lie. But, I also know when to press an issue.”

Right now, she wished she were the person she had been last night. The woman who was tired of living alone. But today brought too many painful memories back and she had been flooded with bittersweet images of her lost family, of her mother, of Maddy. Jesslyn knew the pain that could result if she came out of her shell. It was sometimes lonely here, in her world, but it was also safe. She only had herself to depend on, to comfort, and didn’t have to worry about that other person being taken away from her because the other person was herself.

He leaned over and pressed a kiss her on her cheek.

“I thought I was ready for this,” she whispered. “But--but--I don’t think….”

The muscles in his face grew taut. “Don’t.”

She opened her mouth to try to explain, but nothing came out. Jesslyn shook her head.

Why did she get in these moods? She just wanted to be left alone. Go to into her office, turn off the lights, turn on some music and write.

Who was she kidding? She just needed to get to her office before she completely fell apart in front of Aiden. She didn’t want to be bothered. She didn’t want to talk. Didn’t want to
think.
“I need to get some--some writing done. And….” Again her eyes pricked with tears.

“You’re shutting me out,” he tried to pull her to him, but she shrugged him off, and stepped out of his hold.

“Aiden, sometimes, I just want to be alone. That’s--that’s all.”
And my friend’s dead,
and I never got to say good-bye. And I should be used to death, but I’m not. And I’m terrified
that I need you, but I do. And … And … And….

“Well, that’s too damn bad, isn’t it? We rarely get what we want.” His eyes bore into hers, daring her to challenge him.

She opened her mouth, anger the first thing surging to the front, but decided that would only take more energy. She was tired and her heart hurt.

“Whatever,” she said. “I thought you said you were a patient man.” Tears clogged her throat. She
had
to get out of here.

Aiden reached over and grabbed her hand. “I did too, but I’m finding with you, my norm is a bit off. I. Am. Here.” Each of his words precisely spaced, his tone brooked no argument.

“Talk to me, damn it. I’ve been worried about you since Tim called and that was well over an hour ago. I learned at the hotel today that another body was found. Nice of you and Chief to

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keep that little bit to yourselves. Where the hell have you been anyway? And why wouldn’t you answer your phone?”

Jesslyn took a deep breath, tried to pull hard on her emotions, but it wasn’t working.

Anger warred with grief, heartache with hope.

“I was driving around. Is that okay with you? I needed to think.” She was
not
going to take this out on him. She closed her eyes. Silence stretched between them and she felt his warm sigh on her face. Finally, she asked. “What did Tim tell you?”

Aiden studied her for a minute. “That you were all making arrangements for Maddy’s funeral when you suddenly jumped up and left. He was worried about you.” His mouth thinned at the corners. “You could have called me. I would have gone with you.”

She nodded. “I know. I knew that. And I did think about it, but I didn’t.” She shrugged, the battle with her tears defeated.

Jesslyn stepped back away from him, the trickle of tears over her cheeks warm.

Aiden hated to see her crying, to see her this vulnerable. He wanted to pull her into his arms and tell her it would be okay. But she was so distant, so far from him that she didn’t think she needed his comfort. And to be honest, he thought this show of emotion would be good for her. In fact, he thought it was about damn time she broke. She’d been holding it all in.

He watched as she rocked from her heels to the balls of her feet.

“You know, I went in so damn cocky. I figure I’ve been through this so many times I’m a pro, right? My heart’s hardened.” She swiped at her cheeks. “I mean, do you want a coffin that’s metal and seals? Or a wooden one? Vault or not? How would you like the programs printed? Anything special to mention inside? God, there is so much to do for a funeral. And I was fine. I was fine.” Her shaking hands raked through her hair.

“What happened?” he quietly asked her.

Her head shook, her damp hair falling over her shoulders. A muscle jumped in her jaw as she moved it back in forth, probably in an attempt to control her emotions. Her jerky movements, tensed looks told him the slightest touch would shatter her.

“There was--there was this woman in the restroom. She was crying and I asked her if she was all right if she needed anything.” Her arms were wrapped tight around her middle and the tears fell in earnest. “I’d read in the paper a couple of days ago about a hit and run just outside of Gunnison, a little boy on his bike. It was his mother. He passed away yesterday.”

Her chin was trembling. Aiden couldn’t stand it, he started to go to her, but again she backed away from him.

“Aiden, I couldn’t breathe, I just couldn’t. I looked at this woman and I knew what she was going through, what she still has to go through and I just lost it.” Her head shook back and forth, her eyes black pools of agony. “There’s this horrible pain that you can’t help your babies, that you didn’t--you can’t kiss it better, you can’t rock it or sing a song and make it better. That you didn’t protect them somehow. It’s so big, so black, so consuming, it just swallows you whole and you just don’t know what to do. And I could see that, Aiden, I could see all that in her eyes because I’ve seen it in mine for the last three years.” Tears streamed down her face. “We were both crying and I told her I’d been there and I wouldn’t wish her pain on anyone, not anyone. Then I left and drove around.”

Aiden crossed his arms over his chest. His parents were still in the room, they’d gotten caught in the middle of this. He didn’t care about them. He was worried about the woman in front of him, trying so valiantly to shield herself from him.

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“Did you know, I thought of all these things to tell you on why this wouldn’t work between us. I thought of your parents, the financial difference, our jobs. Everything so that I wouldn’t have to admit that I’m scared. I am so scared.” She shook her head. “I can’t survive it again.” She stopped, looked at his dad then back at him. “You promise me you’re not still engaged to Brice?”

The pain in her eyes was so clear it stole his breath. “I promise, Jessie. Dad’s just hopeful. He doesn’t know what you do.”

She nodded. “I could say I don’t believe you and throw a fit and kick you out or something.”

“You could.” She might think she could end this between them, but he’d be damned if he let her. “I shouldn’t care either way, but I’m glad you didn’t lie to me. I’d have to kick your ass if you did.”

She was a foot shorter than he was and weighed a hell of a lot less. But he didn’t laugh, in fact, he didn’t find any of this amusing at all.

Her face crumpled. “I’m tired of planning funerals, Aiden.” Her shoulders shook.

To hell with this. He gathered her to him and held her while she cried. About time.

Carefully, he maneuvered them over to a chair and sat in it, with her across his lap. “It’ll be okay, Jessie. Let it out, just let it out.”

He watched as his parents quietly left the room.

For a moment she leaned into him, let him give her the comfort he offered. Her tears soaked into the shoulder of his shirt.

Her sobs shook her small frame until he worried she’d make herself sick. He felt so damn helpless.

“Jessie, Jessie,” he muttered against her hair, rocking her.

Moments and minutes passed until she finally quieted.

Suddenly, she pushed against him. “I’ve got work to do.”

Aiden sighed, but kept his arms locked around her. “No, you don’t. You need to rest and eat.” He didn’t want to go through another ulcer-no ulcer argument.

“I’ve got to go to
The Dime
, and I need to think.” She put as much space between them as his arms would allow. “I need to think.”

“About what?” he ventured.

“You. Me. Us. Life.”

He mulled over her words. “You’re pushing me away.”

“I don’t mean to.”

“Yes, you do.” And that hurt more than he would have thought, understanding or not.

“You have me. You’re not alone anymore.”

“I have to be,” she whispered.

Aiden didn’t know what to do. What if he pressed it and pushed her completely away?

“No you don’t. I’m here. Let me….”

“I don’t know. No. Don’t you see? I can’t.” She jerked back and his hold broke. Jessie started to get off his lap, but he grabbed her arm and didn’t let go. Finally, she sat again. “I can’t.” Her voice was breaking. “I can’t need you. What if I lost you?” Her dark black eyes shimmered with emotion, the lashes spiky.

He tried once more. “What about last night? Living a little? Tired of being lonely?