Debra Ullrick (16 page)

Harrison couldn’t see his sons.

One of the young men looked their way and broke through the small group and sprinted over to them. “We found them.”

“Are they—?” Harrison couldn’t say the word that knifed into his head as he hurried alongside the young teenage boy whose face was covered with freckles.

Harrison was panting now, either from fright or the exertion. He didn’t know which or if it was from both.

“They’re all right except for a few bumps and bruises and complaining that they want their daddy and Miss Abby.”

Abby?

Relief poured through him. Thank goodness for Abby and her prayers. God had answered them. Harrison owed God an apology, but first, he had to see for himself.

The crowd parted to let him through.

“Daddy!” Graham and Josiah both shouted. They pushed off the felled log they were sitting on and barreled into him, throwing their arms around his legs, and holding on to him so tightly, he couldn’t get them loose to pick them up. His knee throbbed as Josiah pressed his body against it, but he didn’t care. His sons were safe. That was all that mattered.

After moments of frantic joy, Harrison was finally able to convince them to let go of his leg so he could pick them up and hold them. They buried their faces in his shoulder, leaving Harrison no way to wipe away the tears that streamed down his cheeks. Never before had he been so frightened or so relieved as he was now.

Minutes passed before the boys finally raised their heads. Harrison looked at each one. “Why did you boys run away? You nearly scared me to death. You know how much I love you, don’t you?”

Graham ran his tiny hands over Harrison’s wet cheeks, wiping away the tears. “Don’t cry, Daddy. We know you love us. We didn’t run ’way. We only wanted to see Miss Abby.”

“Well, next time you want to see her, you come and ask Daddy first, all right? Promise me you’ll never do this again.”

“We promise.” Josiah spoke for the both of them.

His attention shifted from his sons to the men around them and ended with Fletcher. “How can I ever thank you all enough for finding my boys?”

“We didn’t find them. Fletcher did,” the same boy who’d met him when he arrived said.

Harrison looked right at Fletcher, remorse for his earlier thoughts about the man tumbling through him. “Thank you, Fletcher. I owe you.”

A deep, rumbling sadness went through the man’s dark eyes even as he looked at the three of them huddled together. “No need to thank me. And you don’t owe me a thing. I’m just glad we found them.” He nodded again, sniffed and let out a long breath.

In that moment, Harrison remembered hearing about Fletcher’s sons and how they had drowned. That poor man. This had to be hard on him, had to be resurrecting old memories. Harrison’s heart went out to Fletcher. He couldn’t imagine how he would feel if his outcome had been equally as bad as Fletcher’s had been.

A fresh wave of gratitude flowed over Harrison. He wanted to shake hands with Fletcher, with all of them, but he wasn’t ready to let go of his sons just yet. “Where did you find them, anyway?”

“They were sleeping way back inside that bush.” Fletcher pointed to a large shrub nestled against a boulder.

“In the bush?” Harrison couldn’t quite imagine that.

“We did what Mrs. Wainee did, Daddy.”

His gaze swung to his son. “Mrs. Wainee?” Who and what was Josiah talking about?

“Uh-huh. You wouldn’t let us stay at Abby’s, so we sneaked out and followed the river to her house like Mrs. Wainee did. Only we got lost and sleepy. Miss Abby told us when Mrs. Wainee got lost, she followed the river, and that when it got dark, she found a bush near a rock to hide in.”

It finally dawned on him what Josiah was talking about. Abby’s sister-in-law Rainee. She’d told that story to him days before. His sons had been busy playing with their toys on the floor across the room. He didn’t even know they’d been listening. How could someone so young remember those things?

“Well, Mrs. Rainee is an adult. Not a child. Children do not leave their homes or anywhere else without an adult. Do you understand that?”

His twins nodded their heads, their eyes wide with solemn understanding.

With a breath of relief, Harrison turned his attention onto the men. “Gentlemen, it’s been a long morning. Why don’t we head back down to Miss Bowen’s? She had her cook fix up something for everyone to eat.”

“Sounds good. I’m starving,” Sheriff Long said.

“Me, too,” Josiah added, and of course, Graham mimicked him.

As soon as they arrived at the mansion, Abby rode up in Harrison’s buggy. The buggy rolled to a stop, and Abby hopped out, gathered her skirt and ran toward them.

* * *

Abby’s heart leaped with joy at the sight of the twins, and she barely managed to keep herself from hugging all three of them. “Josiah! Graham! I’m so glad you’re okay.”

Harrison lowered them to the ground, and she dropped to her knees and gathered them into her arms, hugging them and smothering their cheeks with kisses while tears trickled down her face.

Graham looked at her with sad eyes. “Why you crying, Miss Abby?” His little fingers softly and tenderly brushed the moisture from her cheeks. That sweet gesture sent even more tears cascading from her eyes.

“Because I was so worried about you two. Where were you boys? Why did you run away?”

Josiah stepped from her embrace, planted his tiny hands on his waist and huffed. “We didn’t run ’way. We wanted to see
you.
”

His sweet words melted her aching heart even through the guilt over the fact that they’d been put in jeopardy trying to get to her. She pulled them back into her arms, closed her eyes and relished the feel of their tiny bodies as she held them close to her. This was, without a doubt, what love felt like.

Seconds later, her gaze slid upward to Harrison.

He smiled down at her warmly. Affectionately, even.

“I’m sorry,” she mouthed.

But he just shook his head as his smile widened and he let out a long sigh, which almost brought tears to her eyes.

What was she going to do?

In that instant, she realized that she had not only completely lost her heart to Harrison’s sons, but to him, as well.

She tore her gaze away from Harrison, for fear the love she had for him would show in her eyes. And she couldn’t have that. His words about wanting more children scribbled through her mind as they had so many times since he’d said them. Each time they had the same effect on her, creating an aching, longing hole in her heart that could never be satisfied.

Later that evening, after things had settled down at the mansion, and everyone, including Fletcher and his men had gone home, Harrison asked Abby to take a walk with him. Although she didn’t trust herself to spend time alone with him for fear her heart would expose her true feelings, she could see that whatever it was he wanted to talk to her about was important, so she reluctantly agreed.

At twilight, they walked in silence through the now weed-free garden. Roses of various colors and sizes flooded the light breeze with their luscious scents. A strand of her blond hair drifted across her cheek, and she curled it behind her ear.

Harrison led her to the bench he’d repaired. They sat down and she laid her hands in her lap, waiting for him to say what was on his mind.

“Abby.”

She looked up at him, careful to not let her eyes find his. “Yes.”

“I couldn’t wait to tell you thank you.”

This time her eyes did find his. “For what?”

“For praying for my boys this morning.”

She blinked back her shock. From what she’d learned, the man didn’t believe in prayer. Perhaps this was a start. She sure hoped so, anyway. “You’re welcome.”

“I must admit when you wanted to pray, I wanted to scream at you. To ask why bother. When I saw their socks and shoes by the river, I wanted to shake my fist at God, and I did, too. I couldn’t understand why He hated me so much that He would let my sons drown.” His hand found hers, and its gentle warmth made its way into her heart, caressing it tenderly.

She wanted to yank her hand away, but just for this moment, and this moment only, she wouldn’t. She would allow herself to enjoy the connection to love that she longed for in that secret place of her soul. The one she kept carefully barred. “God doesn’t hate you, Harrison. He loves you.”
And so do I,
she wanted to say, but those words remained holed up inside her.

“No. He loves you. It was
your
prayers He answered. He’s never answered any of my prayers. That’s why I quit praying years ago. But I don’t want to talk about that. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you being there for me this morning. And to thank you for the strength you covered me with when I felt as weak and as helpless as a newborn.”

Abby could see just how hard that was for him to admit. “I’m glad I was here for you.” She gave his hand a squeeze before she reluctantly released it. She had no choice but to let it go; the connection to him was too strong for her, and right now she was the weak one, for a much different reason, though.

Letting his gaze go, she stared out into the garden. Her mind wanted to take a turn and dream about him holding her and kissing her and telling her he loved her. That having more children didn’t matter to him. That his boys were enough. That
she
was enough.

She closed her eyes to blot out that silly dream, but the dream didn’t leave. It took a turn of its own. If only her dreams could come true. Oh, how she hated those if-onlys.

Masculine fingers, strong yet gentle, cupped her chin, tugging it upward.

Soft warm lips covered hers, touching her with a sweetness she’d never known before.

Oh, if only this were real and not just a dream.

Something stronger than the light breeze brushed against her lips.

Words, soft, and barely audible reached her ears. “Oh, Abby. Sweet, adorable Abby.”

Abby froze.

Afraid to open her eyes.

This wasn’t a dream.

Harrison had kissed her. And she had returned his kiss.

Great stars, what had she done?

Powerless to fight against the strong feelings she had for him, she allowed him to pull her into his arms, and to continue kissing her. When the moment ended, neither spoke. Instead, she sat with her head nestled against his chest, listening to his heart beating a soothing rhythm, knowing this could never happen again.

Time drifted lazily by, and she let it, until finally she asked in a voice quiet and soft so as not to shatter the moment. “Where did you find Josiah and Graham?”

Harrison shifted, and Abby forced herself to leave the comfort of his embrace. “Fletcher found them sleeping between a boulder and a bush.” He chuckled softly. “Josiah said he got that idea from you.”

“From me?”

“Yes. Who would have thought the boys were even listening the other night when you were talking about what your sister-in-law Rainee did?”

“What Rainee did?” She frowned.

“Yes. You know when she ran away and hid between a bush and a rock.”

Blood drained from Abby’s face as her eyes went wide.

The boys taking off in the middle of the night was all her fault. They could have died because of her. No wonder she couldn’t bear children. God knew she’d make a terrible mother.

Tears stung the back of her eyes.

She shot off the bench and ran as fast as her legs would carry her toward the river.

“Abby! Wait! Where are you going?”

She pushed herself harder, willed herself to run faster. How could she ever face Harrison again?

A band of steel encased her arm, forcing her to stop, and her strength was no match for his. “Let me go.” She tried to yank free, but Harrison held her firmly, yet without hurting her.

“What’s wrong?” Panic edged his voice, but she couldn’t comfort him right now. She had to get away. To flee the demons chasing her.

“Abby, stop. Look at me.” With one arm holding her in place, his other cupped her chin and tugged on it until she had no choice but to look at him. “Abby, please talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong? Was it the kiss?”

She shook her head vehemently. “No. No. It wasn’t that. Although that can never happen again.”

He looked shocked at the intensity with which she said it, but instead of voicing that, he simply asked, “What is it, then?”

Her shoulders shook with the pain spinning in her spirit, and no longer able to hold back the flood of tears, she let them loose.

“Abby.” Harrison took her and buried her head into his chest and kissed the top of her head. “What is wrong? Please, tell me.”

“It’s all my fault,” she said through hiccupping sobs.

“What’s all your fault?”

“That Josiah and Graham went missing. They could have died because of me.”

“No. Abby, this wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known.”

Oh, if only that were true, but it wasn’t. “Yes, it is. I’m always planting ideas in their heads. Like the fishing and the mud.”

“How would you know they were listening?”

“I didn’t. But still...”

Harrison dipped back and pulled her chin up until she was looking at him. “Abby, listen to me. This isn’t your fault. If I were a better father, none of this would have happened.”

“No! Don’t even say that. You’re a wonderful father.” How dare he blame himself for something that was entirely her own fault?

“No. I’m not. I’m so lost on this whole father issue. I shouldn’t have left them alone. I should have slept in their room with them. I’m obviously doing something wrong because my sons keep running off every nanny I hire.”

“That’s not true. Zoé and I love them.”

His eyes pleaded with her to be honest. “You do?”

“Yes. Who wouldn’t? They’re adorable, and you’re blessed to have them. Not everybody gets to be a parent.” With those words, she removed herself from his arms and headed back toward the house, grateful Harrison didn’t ask her what she meant. She never wanted him to know about her barrenness. Never wanted to see the look of disgust on his handsome face. With a heavy sigh to bury her sorrow, she realized she would never be a suitable mother—even if she could actually have children. That hurt more than anything else she’d ever endured. At that moment, the dream she’d quietly allowed to grow in her heart since Harrison’s arrival finally died. And the pain of that was more than she felt she could ever handle or endure. But endure it she must.