December Rain (14 page)

“Yeah, you seem to do that a lot. Why would you need protection from friends?”

“Because even the people who love you will hurt you, especially when you’re down.”

“That’s a real shitty point of view.”

The phone goes silent. Monica shakes her head.
What the fuck is his problem? Somehow I’m the bitch because I want to keep my problems private? I want to protect myself. He doesn’t know me or my friends well enough to say shit about it!

“I gotta get going for this dinner thing,” he says. “I’m sorry if I upset you. I don’t want you to hang up angry at me.” Monica shakes her head but stays quiet. “You said you’d try to let go, but you can’t do it if you hold yourself back from the unknown.”

“Have fun with Rick.”

“Hey, please don’t be pissed at me. You want me to be honest with you right?”

“Just go to dinner.”

Quinn exhales, defeated. “I love you,” he says. The call ends.

December 20th - Tuesday

Monica runs her fingers over Quinn’s number for a minute rehearsing an apology in her head. She finally just counts to three and hits talk.

“Hey beautiful. It’s so good to hear your voice.” Quinn springs to his feet and starts pacing the rooftop kitchen.

“I’m sorry about last night,” she blurts out. Monica lies on the couch and runs her fingers along the stitches between its patchwork. “I was being a child, and you were just being honest.”

His shoulders soften as he leans against the counter. “I’m sorry too. I didn’t really approach it right.”

“I can’t seem to deal with much right now, and I keep pushing everyone away. I’ve done so many things over the last few months that I regret.”

“Like me?”

“No. I’ll never regret you. I regret some of the lies I told because of us, but I could never regret you.”

“I love your honesty.”

“Yeah, well I wasn’t being honest during our affair with anyone.”

“I know and I saw how that affected you. It was so easy to see that it went against your nature. I thought about some things today. About those important things you said I don’t know about you.”

“And what did you come up with?”

“You’re right. There are a lot of things I don’t know.”

“Like what?”

“Do you ever want kids?” he asks.

There’s only silence as she tries to think of the best way to answer.

Shit. That was too deep. This isn’t fucking eHarmony Quinn. She’s not ready for this kind of stuff.
He says, “I’m sorry. You don’t have to ans-”

“No, I want to. I’m glad you asked, I’m just a little scared to tell you my answer. I haven’t had to have this conversation with anyone other than Alex.” She gets up and starts to pace the room.

“It’s okay if you don’t want kids, I just was curious.”

“See, this is the thing that irks me a little, if you want honesty. I feel like people try to tell me it’s okay to feel this way, but they’re the ones passing a judgment by just saying that. I know that’s not
your
intention.”

“I think I just want to understand your thought process. I personally have been so up and down on the whole thing that it’s probably a bad idea for me. It’s not something I think people should do unless they are one hundred percent into the commitment. It’s a pure lifelong thing you can’t get out of or negotiate.”

“But if I said yes I want kids you’d change your mind?”

“Yes. If you came at it with the kind of passion my sister-in-law Megan has towards it, then I’d be completely on board. That woman tried for years to have a baby. She wanted it so bad. I’ve never seen something so instinctive and primal.”

“Yeah, that’s not me. When I was a little girl I had this obsessive fear of childbirth and the pain, probably because my mom made such a big deal of it when my brother was born. It was this weird preoccupation I had. I always asked my mom, grandma, my aunt, any women I was around if it hurt. All but my grandmother said yes, but they gave the spiel about how it was worth it and there’s nothing more magical. My grandmother, known for super-human pain tolerance, would say that I shouldn’t focus on the pain of one day and think of all the rest, but when I’d ask why she had six kids, she said, “Because it’s just what you did.”

Quinn laughs. “It’s what was expected.”

“I know but I couldn’t imagine that. I couldn’t wrap my head around the pressure behind that. As I got older I realized that I still didn’t have that pull or need to be a mother. I think other people’s children are beautiful and funny and fill them with joy, but I can’t connect to needing a mini me.

It seems like most of my friends end up having babies and everything in their world shifts, as it’s supposed to, but it becomes a vanity project. They seem to obsess about giving that kid every advantage, making all the right decisions, and creating a little version of them that they like better than themselves. It’s weird. And those who are better balanced and let their children become their own people still seem to look at it like it’s this life long series of tests that they enjoy hating. I swear parents complain more than non-parents.”

“It’s a commitment I wasn’t sure of on my own, so I could only be convinced if my partner needed it.”

“So you don’t think you’ll look back and regret it? You won’t wish you could see your eyes on another human?”

“No. I don’t sit around regretting it now, I can’t see that happening. If I’m happy in my life then there can’t be anything missing.”

Monica sinks back into the patchwork sofa surprised. “I can’t argue with that logic, which is strange considering you’re such a hearts and flowers, impulsive sort.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You express feelings to me in a way I’ve never experienced. It’s scary sometimes how intense it feels, yet it also feels so... mature. Like you understand things most people won’t for another couple of decades.”

“Do you ever hear yourself?” He laughs. “I should record you and play it back. This is the perceptive side of creative people. We’re in tune with the needs of our souls.”

“We’re selfish.”

“See that’s what I hear people say about those who choose not to have kids, but aren’t parents who spawn themselves just being selfish too. They want to see themselves in someone else. That sounds pretty selfish. It gives them more joy than anything else in life. Selfish.”

Monica is giggling now at his rant. “It’s super selfish the way they give up all their free time and personal space.”

“Are you making fun of my theories?”

“I’m just playing the devil.”

“You’re too good at being an angel though.”

“Oh...” She shakes her head amused. “That’s completely untrue, but well timed.”

“Thank you.” He feels good about the open air and strikes. “So, do you use birth control? It’s weird that we’ve never talked about it.”

“That’s because we haven’t known each other that long.”

“It’s been forever.”

“Or five months.”

“It’s been longer.”

“Not really. And we didn’t speak for half of that.”

“Really?” Quinn laughs, knowing all of this, but playing it up.

“I went on the pill at eighteen until I was with Alex at twenty-six. I didn’t like taking chemicals. I’m not a big prescription fan, plus I was terrible at taking them regularly. When I started editing my schedule was all over the place, so I’d get tired and forget. We used condoms because they were more reliable than my pill taking.”

“That makes sense.” Quinn settles onto his sofa with some coffee and lights up the fire pit. “I just wanted to tell you that I’ve been tested at least once a year since I was seventeen, because I’m paranoid about it.”

“Usually people who are paranoid about that sort of thing have reason to be. They’ve been careless with people they didn’t trust or know they were around drug users.”

“I’ve used a condom with all but two women. I had a girlfriend for five years in my twenties, and then there was another one that lasted two years. That ended almost a year before I moved to LA. I’ve never been with a woman who’s used needles or hung around it, that I know of. Of the couple edgy women I’ve known, I flat out asked. There was one chick I excused myself from at a party.”

“So you’ve had a lot of partners?”

“I don’t think more than an average guy. I’m not an addict. I don’t have to have sex, although you probably wouldn’t believe that.”

She laughs. “It’s not the side of you I’ve seen much of.”

“I know. You drive me crazy though. Ever since I first saw you. Believe it or not, I’ve actually gone months without sex and was fine.”

“Really? No withdrawals or twitching?”

He laughs. “Nope. I traveled for almost a year after I turned twenty five. After breaking up with Jill.”

“Wow. I always envied people who could go do that. I always had student loans and college to pay for. How did you survive? I mean, money wise.”

“I saved. You’re missing the point...”

“Sorry, I got off subject. I should’ve just told you right away that I got back on the pill in October.”

“Wait, what? Why?”

“I thought it would help things with Alex and our...” She stops and regrets going there.

“It’s okay Mon, I’m painfully aware of your sex life with him. I understand.” He doesn’t want to steer this direction. “So how’s it been going? Taking those pills I mean.”

“I’m way better at it now than when I was younger. Haven’t missed a pill yet.”

“I’ll keep using condoms if you want. I don’t mind.”

She gets quiet for a second thinking about this relationship growing deeper. “I would love to feel you. I trust you.”

“I’d never put you in any harm. You know that, I hope.”

“I trust you completely.”

His eyes close and a beautiful grin takes his face. “That’s a big deal for you though, isn’t it?”

“Yes. But you haven’t lied to me, right? You wouldn’t. Truth is the most important thing to me. Once I can’t trust you, I fall apart.”

Quinn is silent. The color leaves his face with all happiness.
I gotta tell her.

“Hey, you there?”

“Yeah. Sorry. Guess my lack of sleep is getting to me.”
Telling a white lie during a conversation about truth is pretty fucked up. Don’t be an asshole, just tell her.

“Okay. I gotta get to bed anyway. I’ll call you tomorrow. I’m really glad we talked about this stuff tonight.”

His hand shakes as he takes a sip from his cup. “Me too.” He looks over at the easel displaying a painting of her. “Every minute just makes me love you more.”

“There you go... gettin’ mushy.”

“Good night.”

“Good night.”

December 21st - Wednesday

Monica can sense that her boss Doug told everyone about her divorce. They keep asking if she’s doing alright and bring a cheerful smile to her every five minutes. Stacey bought her favorite teas and Mickey keeps leaving chocolate candies on her desk. The worst part is when they all hush talks of their Christmas plans and relationship chit-chat when she comes into a room. Normally this would piss her off, but she’s trying Quinn’s
letting go
thing, and it’s working. It helps that she’s looking forward to his voice again tonight.

At around noon she gets an email from him and closes her office door, giddy to read it alone.

Open your mind. Don’t say no. I need you to say yes or this next week and a half will be the end of me
.

Attached to the email is an itinerary in her name listing flight numbers to JFK, Kahului, and SFO all dated before the first. Monica reads it over and over trying to wrap her head around the trip. Excitement and nerves quell any shred of productivity as she tries to figure it out. She slides her thumb across the face of her phone scrolling Quinn’s number, but doesn’t call.

These dates can’t be right. If they are... it’s crazy! He’s always so unreal.
She looks at the email again and shakes her head.

“Hey,” Doug says, popping his head in. “So tomorrow we’re doing a half day. Shocker, I know, but we’re also going to do a little holiday brunch here in the office before we go. Stacey has the whole thing planned out.”

“Fun!” She forces enthusiasm, but her eyes are distracted.

“You alright? I know I ask that too much. I just know what it’s like. How much it sucks right now.” Doug’s warm eyes are so honest and open.

Monica connects to him fully for the first time in weeks. “Thank you. You’ve been so wonderful to me.”

He pushes the door open and moves in a little. “Why does that sound like the beginning of goodbye?”

“It’s not.”

“You sure?”

“No. I’m not sure of anything anymore.”

“All that matters right now is whatever makes you hurt less. Maybe even happy. It’s important to find something and cling to it.”