December Rain (4 page)

Why did I just bring that up? Fuck! I should have let that go.
Monica watches Alex move ahead to the security line. When they get to their gate he wraps his attention in a video game on his iPad, so she reads a magazine on hers. It’s a familiar distance where little is said for the rest of the trip home until Lacey comes barreling through the kitchen to jump and lick them.

“How was it?” Robin asks.

“Good,” Monica says.

“That bad huh?” she laughs.

“It was alright,” Alex adds.

Robin laughs. “Halloween with
Like-A-Virgin
and
Tokyo Drift
?”

“What does that mean? Why do you have a problem with them?” Monica asks.

“I just can’t stand her prudish
tude
since she got married. It’s fucking irritating. He’s gonna figure her out eventually. He’s smart, you know? I’m sure he’s already got her dialed in.”

“She’s got him whooped,” Monica says.

“Well that’s depressing,” she says. “Not as smart as I thought. Then they deserve each other, whatever.” She shrugs. “How were the costumes? I want photos.”

Monica bites her lip and squats down to pet Lacey.
Let’s not relive the weekend just yet. Maybe he’ll forget or get over the questions about Quinn.
Monica closes her eyes for a moment.

Robin can sense there’s something off between them. “Well as stimulating as you both are... I have to scoot. Got tons to do before tomorrow.”

“Thank you so much!” Alex says with open arms.

Robin welcomes a warm hug. “Don’t be silly. We had a great girl’s weekend.” Robin reaches for their Pointer to give a final stroke behind her ear. “Swam in the tub. Painted our paws... watched some Netflix.” The dog stares at her with a tilted head.

“Well we appreciate it.” Monica adds.

They walk Robin to the door and wave repeatedly as she gets in her car and drives away. Their clothes are dumped into the hamper and rotated into the washer. The evening chores and obligations take over and the mundane distracts from a roller-coaster weekend. The soreness between Monica’s legs reminds her of their adventure though. The question now was can they have passion like that at home?

November 5th - Saturday

“So how was the trip?” Leslie asks.

“Awesome,” Monica says.

Alex nods. “A lot better than I thought it would be.”

“We got a little carried away,” Monica says.

“How so? Sexually?”

“Yeah. It was hot. We still have it apparently,” Monica says with a huge grin.

Alex shies. “It was really good.”

Leslie shifts in her seat. “That’s great. What were you thinking about when it first started?” She directs the question to Alex first.

Alex looks at Monica first and then shrugs. “She looked beautiful. I don’t know… I was just into her.”
I was panicking about losing her. Freaking out that my hot-ass wife was on the verge of leaving me.
Alex reaches over and holds Monica’s hand. She smiles and caresses with her thumb.

Leslie nods and turns. “Monica?”

“The look in his eyes,” she says shaking her head, “was intoxicating. It set me on fire… made me want him right there.”

“Has the fire returned since the trip?” she asks.

“Nope,” Alex says.

Monica’s eyes sadden. “No. We did sharing exercises and I even tried to wear something provocative to dinner the other night.”

“And it didn’t work?” Leslie asks Alex.

“It got me worked up… I liked it. I wouldn’t want her to dress like that all the time… I mean Halloween was one thing, but I think she’s sexy without the exhibition stuff.”

Leslie looks towards Monica for more input.

“He tried to cover me up, and I could tell it bothered him.” A small giggle escapes her mouth.

Leslie writes a note on her iPad. “Have you guys done any of the intimacy exercises on the homework sheet I gave you?”

Monica laughs again provoking a stare from both. “What? It felt weird, you said it yourself.” She waits hoping Alex agrees. “It was literally something we had to do… that’s not real intimacy.”

“What is it you fucking want?” Alex snaps. He looks at Leslie. “She thinks life will be like a movie or book.”

“No I don’t.”

“Was it like that with him?” Alex asks.

“We’re not going there,” Monica says.

“Maybe we should go there,” Leslie adds.

Monica shakes her head and starts picking at her sweater. “What do you want me to say? He’s a different person. It was different.” She looks at Alex and shakes her head again.

“Was there intimacy?” she asks.

“Yes.”

“Did you laugh?”

“No.”

“Why?”

She inhales deep and closes her watering eyes. “I could feel his words… he didn’t even have to say them…”

“That’s enough,” Alex snaps.

“I know this is painful for you to talk about,” Leslie says, “and I know in the past you’ve said you didn’t want to hear about her other partners… but maybe it’s time to learn from each other’s past instead of just your own. Marriage is a growth experience that you should partake in together.”

“So I have to talk about other men touching my wife?”

“There were other women who’ve touched you,” Monica says.

“And I didn’t want to talk about those either.” He looks up at Leslie. “She made me go over it again and again.”

“Monica, you asked personal questions about his affair? You wanted details?”

“Yes. I needed to understand and compare myself… understand what I was not doing or what I was failing to do.”

“Do you feel like you figured that out?”

“Yes.”

“Really?” Alex snaps again. “It was about me and my fuckin’ insecurity. I was sure you’d leave. It had nothing to do with you.”

Monica shakes her head. “I pushed you too fast to change your life, and then instead of being supportive and helpful I started threatening you and restricting all the things I feared. I thought alcohol and the rap and the thug friends would just draw you back in… I thought you’d end up in prison again and I’d be married to a felon locked up in the state fuckin’ pen… I couldn’t stand the thought. I was selfish.”

“You think I cheated because you were being selfish?”

“No. I think I pushed you and nagged and gave you fuel to justify doing what you wanted… just like you had your entire life with all the other relationships… I didn’t trust you to make your own path to me.”

“What? That’s crazy! I cheated because I needed a plan B. I pretended that a backup plan would save face when everyone who thought I didn’t deserve you tried to shove it in my face after you were gone. I was gonna make it look like I had the better deal. It was pure idiocy. My idiocy.” Alex is so pissed he stands up, with the vein in his forehead throbbing as he clenches his fist tight.

“It had to be more than that… cause you managed to be with her for over a year!” Monica’s tears start to fall as her words wobble. “Newlyweds. We were newlyweds. And you think it was just ‘cause you were an idiot? That’s too easy… you can’t just chalk it up like that.”

Leslie puts her hand up to quiet them for a minute. Once she has Alex’s attention he calmly sits back down for her. In a calm voice she says, “Can you see a benefit to understanding her affair or past relationships?” She waits while he thinks but says nothing. “There are things to learn about each other in your past. You instantly responded to her earlier with a question about Quinn. It’s natural to want to understand that relationship.”

“I can’t stand the thought.” Alex leans forward on his knees, putting his head in his hands. “It’s not something I can do anything about, so focusing on it only makes me uncomfortable.”

Leslie shrugs. “Not all things are going to be comfortable in here.”

“Fine. What did he do to you that I don’t do?” he asks Monica.

She shakes her head not wanting to answer. “That’s an impossible question.” Both sets of eyes are waiting for more. She exhales a deep breath. “The passion was just there. He was just him.”

“Then why are we here? Why aren’t you with him?” he asks.

“Because I love you and I committed to spend my life with
you
. I want us to work.”

Alex looks at her as if surprised. “Me too. But I can’t be him.”

“I wouldn’t want you to be. No one knows me like you… and makes me laugh-”

“Was the passion there with Jack?” Alex interrupts. “Like it was with Quinn?”

Monica’s mouth opens, but nothing comes out. She takes a second to remove her surprise. “Yes.”

Leslie tilts towards Monica. “And Jack is…?”

“College boyfriend. Well he was a friend for a couple years first and then it became more.”

“So that was a pattern?” Leslie asks.

Monica shrugs. “I guess so.”

“And this was a passionate sexual relationship?”

Why are we fucking talking about Jack?
Monica takes a deep breath exasperated. “Yes.”

“What attracted you to him?” she asks.

Monica’s brow scrunches and she shakes her head. “I don’t know. His accent, his music, humor, piss ‘n vinegar... He was a passionate person by nature... spoke his mind whether it was foul mouthed shit talking about Ireland politics or the sweetest most vulnerable emotional confessions about me. He was very honest. To his detriment usually.”

Leslie nods and smiles. “Why did it not work?”

“He’s an alcoholic. I can’t be with an alcoholic. I had one in my life, my dad… that was enough. It gets old.”

“You were with him for a couple years,” Alex says.

“No. We were only together a year. We were friends who flirted for about three years, and then we were barely speaking for months by the time I left.”

“He’s not drinking now, right? Would you’ve worked without it?” Alex asks.

Monica crosses her arms. “I don’t know. Another impossible question.”

Leslie writes another note and then looks at Monica. “One last personal question. Have there been other men you felt a heated connection with… a passion?”

“Not on a deep level. There’s been chemistry, like hot sex… but no other real connections.”

Leslie points to each of them. “Did you two have that connection ever?”

Monica looks at Alex’s worried eyes for an answer. “Yes. Before we even had sex. Before I had
ever
had sex, in high school. He was the first one to open me up and get me hot. We’d lay under the stars at the lake and talk and stare into each other’s eyes… we were always fired up like someone was going to take it away, and we had to be together. We were like Romeo and Juliet.”

Leslie smiles and asks Alex. “Did you look at her differently back then?”

He smiles at the memory. “I was in awe. She was so different from other girls… from anyone I’d ever met. She was a universe open to me that I didn’t know existed.”

“And then she became a universe you didn’t feel you deserved?” she continued.

Alex’s eyes swell. “Yes.”

Leslie smiles softly at them both and then uncrosses her legs. “That’s all the time we have. Two more sessions before the
Big
trip huh? Excited?”

Not now that you’ve killed our San Francisco sizzle.
Monica reaches into her purse to pull out the check for the co-pay and hands it over. Neither of them say a word getting into the car. The icy tension between them makes the warm Santa Anna wind a relief.

“You wanna go grab some frozen yogurt?” Alex asks.

“Yes!”

“Maybe we can skip the next session. Wait until we get back from Hawaii?”

Relief takes over her whole body. “I’m so with you right now.” They share a much needed smile as he steers their mood to a better place. Now they can let the session fade over comfort food and salvage a real vacation.

November 24th - Thursday

The bellman lets the door close behind him leaving Monica and Alex giddy with excitement. Monica opens the sliding glass doors and steps onto the private lanai overlooking Makena Beach. The warm salty air reminds her of the first time they saw this beautiful place. She wants to connect with the devotion and adoration she felt, how safe and cherished she thought their bond was. This was a place where her love still rested. Hopefully she can dig it out of the sand.

It’s been years since they’ve been back to their honeymoon hotel in Maui. It used to be an annual trip. Alex booked this before he knew about her affair. It was a grand gesture, a promise to try, to change, and participate in their happiness. For Monica, it’s a guilty slap in the face, not because she’s indulging when she doesn’t deserve it, but because she still thinks about Quinn daily. No matter how hard she tries, she sees him in crowds, hears him in a song, or feels him in her dreams. Worst of all, when she looks into the ocean, she sees his eyes.