Deception Ebook EPUB 3-17-2014 (5 page)

Chapter 15

April 1989

I
quickly realized it was a waste of time to look for the perfect dress. The most beautiful ones were very expensive. And I couldn’t justify that, especially knowing it would only be worn less than eight hours.

As Mom and I stood in the room filled with racks containing hundreds of white and ivory dresses, I instructed her, “Look at each price tag
before
pulling it off the rack.”

We had traveled to a bridal store in Chambersburg, Pennsylvania, hoping that the prices would be cheaper than in Hagerstown, our hometown. Instead of looking for the perfect dress, I hunted for the best price possible. Not what most brides would normally do, but for me, it was the way we did things.

The sales lady made such a fuss when I stepped out of the dressing room in one of the dresses.
Would she tell me honestly if the dress didn’t look good on me?
I wondered. She led me to an area surrounded by tall panels of mirrors. I looked at myself in the reflection and I had to admit: I looked pretty, although I would have preferred a different style and design.

“It’s perfect,” Mom said.

Mom did not have a wedding dress when she married Dad. I had seen the picture. Mom wore a navy blue skirt with a matching jacket, and Dad wore his black suit. When I was a little girl, I was puzzled as to why she didn’t have a traditional white dress. After I peppered her with questions, Mom finally showed me a thick laminated newspaper clipping that she had hidden under the lining in her drawer. The newspaper contained a picture of Mom in a beautiful wedding dress announcing her marriage – to a different man. Why she kept the clipping was beyond me.

My questions didn’t stop there. Mom shared with me horror stories of what her first husband did to her, which led to a divorce ten months later. She insisted that I keep this a secret from my siblings, which I have never violated. Mom eventually told my siblings about her divorce when they were older, but I don’t think she shared the sordid details.

Secrets. They’re nothing new. Everyone has secrets, I suppose. I have mine.

Chapter 16

Summer 1984

July 10

Dear Debbie,

It was great getting a letter from you. You really do write a nice letter. It appears that you would rather write to me instead of talk. I guess that is okay, just as long as we communicate, that is the
important
thing.

I don’t think what David thinks is important. What you think and feel is important. You have to decide if you want him back or not. It has to be your decision. Only you can decide that.

I think if you let yourself, you’ll get over David, but you have to let yourself. I think you are a great person for still liking him after the ways he has hurt you this past year. Most girls would end up hating him.

I told you before, I am always willing to listen to you. I like you more than you realize and our conversations are completely secret and safe with me. Just don’t build a stone wall between us.

Have a nice vacation. Thanks for writing – keep it up.

* * *

July 16

Debbie,

It was really nice hearing from you, and I did not need a cup of coffee to help me keep awake. Like I told you, you write a beautiful letter. I really enjoyed reading it. You have excellent language skills.

You can still relax and have your mind on David. That is not a real problem. However, you do have to keep your mind open and let yourself think of other things. I know it is not easy, but I’m sure you can do it.

Maybe David did love you once. In fact, I’m sure he did. But times change and people do too. It appears that David changed for some reason and stopped “loving” you. From what you said in your letter, your relationship with him was very normal. Most teenage relationships go through the same stages that you and David did.

From what you’ve said, it seems as if David is taking advantage of you. You had told me that you and he did not go all the way, but the day you went to David’s house is unclear. Did you finally “go all the way” or just touch? It appears David knows when he has a good thing. He knows that you still like him and will accept him back anytime. So when he is [lusting] and wants some loving, he comes back to you. I think you have to set the rules.

I know you want him back, but for your sanity and reputation, you can’t let him come back only when he wants to “touch” you. If he wants to kiss you then he has to come back as your boyfriend, not as a person you know.

You
are not
a cheap girl, but if you continue to let David do what he wants, you will become cheap. David knows that you are very pretty and have a nice body and he does not want to lose a good thing, so he keeps you hanging on so that he can have you when he wants you.

That is why I said for you to set the rules. You’ll have to control the relationship. Also, I wouldn’t chase him or call him. If he wants to come back, he should play by your rules. David is right about one thing, friends don’t do things like that.

The reasons for breaking up – well, what you have listed are good reasons. The reason that sooner or later you’d have sex and both of you didn’t want that is really not a good one, because like I said, you and David were going through stages in your relationship just like other couples do. You both would become more flexible and you both would want it. You may feel guilty afterward, but you would still want it. That is very normal.

I think that the reason he called you was because he felt guilty – a little bit. I don’t think it was because he still loved you. There are different kinds of taking advantage, and in this situation he is taking advantage of you and your feelings.

I think that David’s attitude would change a lot if he knew that he could not get you whenever he wanted to get you.

I hope I’ve made some sense to you. You know I prefer to talk. And I am glad that you didn’t throw the letter away like the others. See, you should have written me a long time ago.

Hope to hear from you soon. Say hi to your parents for me.

Someday I’ll ask you to define touching, etc.

* * *

July 31

Dear Debbie,

Well, I’m back from our vacation.

I know that being needed by friends is not the same as a boyfriend or girlfriend. People always need to be loved. There are very few people in the world who do not need to be loved.

I never knew about your parents, that is a surprise. I never would have guessed that. Well, you can always start by hugging them. Maybe they don’t know how; you can teach them. You start hugging them and see what happens. I know you don’t like to let me hug you. Each time I try you always push me away. Maybe because it is like you said, I’m “a male teacher.” Or is it because I am old and fat?

I know that it does feel good to get some love and attention. We all need it … including male teachers – fat and old. Ha, ha!!!

I think one problem you have is that you have too many people keeping you informed about David and what he does, who he talks to, and so on; if you know what I mean. People should leave you alone. I think that will help.

I’ll never ask you to define touching – enough said!!!

Take care, write soon!!!

* * *

August 13

Dear Debbie,

It was nice having two letters waiting for me when I got back. Sorry I didn’t answer your letter, but I had to make a quick trip to see my brother and was not able to let you know. Of course I like writing to you. Don’t be silly.

About the hugging, well, of course you let me hug you on the last day of school; everyone was hugging you, you didn’t have a choice. I always have a reason for hugging you – I CARE!!! And I want to let you know that you always have a friend in me, and if you can’t or won’t hug your parents, you can always hug me. You can try to help your parents. Maybe they need to be shown how to hug their children – try it. It’s never too late.

Good luck with your job, if you got it. What is it and what will you be doing? You didn’t say in your letter.

I hope that you try thinking positive regarding yourself and your relationship with David. I think it is very important for your sake. Like I said in one of my other letters, you have to set the rules and control the situation. You cannot let the situation control you. David will take advantage of you if you let him. He can’t take advantage of you if you don’t let him. You have to understand that and follow through with it.

Couple of questions: Would it really be the end of the world if David never came back to you? What would you do and how would you feel if you and David never got back together?

You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I’m just surprised that you are still that upset about David. The pain should be less by now.

Take care. Say hi to your parents and granny too.

Hug them!!!

* * *

I responded to his letter with a poem.

Avoiding his hugs

When he asks, “What is wrong?”

I tell him, “Not important enough for you to know.”

He was hurt.

It hurts me to know I hurt him.

When I needed to talk, I wrote him notes because

I just couldn’t talk to him.

Since I prefer to write instead of talk, he said,

“As long as we communicate, that is the most important thing.”

Then, I wrote him a nine-page letter

Telling him almost everything.

It may be the dumbest thing I ever did

But he said that I wrote a beautiful letter

And that I had excellent language.

What a relief!

Since he said I could trust him,

I started to express my feelings

And he shared his opinions.

After getting his first letter,

I looked forward to the next one.

His last letter arrived two Wednesdays ago–

He talked about the subject of hugging.

I wrote him back telling him

I don’t mind him hugging me.

Yes, it’s true.

I’ve always enjoyed his affection

But I never wanted him to know.

Don’t ask why – I don’t understand it myself.

I also told him,

“Please remember: if you are doing it for my sake,

Please don’t write.”

Maybe I wanted to hear him saying,

“No, I love and enjoy writing to you.”

I sent him the letter and didn’t hear back.

I wrote him another one.

Telling him I wanted to see or call my loved one.

And that it wasn’t fair for my loved one not to be my good friend.

Oh, I was upset by then.

Now, I haven’t heard back from him and

I wonder why he didn’t write.

Getting his letters meant a lot to me.

I guess I grew to love him

Not in a romantic way

But I love him as if he is my dad!

Since I didn’t get his letter,

I might not write another one.

Then, I started to daydream a lot about my loved one.

I started to cry once in a while because

I wanted to see or call my loved one.

Oh, why didn’t he write?

I’ll push him away

When he tries to hug me.

I’ll say, “Not important enough for you to know,”

When he asks what’s wrong.

Writing him letters,

I felt so much better.

Not until I haven’t heard back,

I started crying again.

Oh, help me–

Write me one more time so

I’ll have someone to trust during my last year at school.

* * *

August 16

Dear Debbie,

It is always great hearing from you. Because I am late or slow in answering your letters does not mean that I don’t think about you, because I do.

Some jobs are boring, but the money is good. Just keep smiling and do a good job.

Don’t worry about not being disciplined. Your parents have done a wonderful job in raising you. I don’t know about your sister and brother, but I do know you. They have done a good job; you are a fine young lady. I am sure that they love you and are very proud of you. You are lucky to have nice parents. Just help your parents as much as you can. And don’t be embarrassed about them. Remember you are getting a better education than they did. Also help your brother and sister. You don’t have to take all the responsibility, but just be supportive and help your parents when they don’t understand something.

It’s alright to daydream – keep on; just don’t live in a dream world all the time. Walt Disney once said, “A dream is a wish your heart makes.” I’ve always liked that quote. Just don’t live in a dream world.

Don’t worry about crying; you’ll be okay in time. You’ll stop crying. Things will get better.

Your poem is great. I really loved it. I also like hearing from you. I really do care about you. I feel closer to you than I do to others. I don’t know why, maybe because you have the prettiest legs, ha ha. But I do feel close to you. I feel embarrassed if I took your father’s place, but I’m glad that you feel close to me. I love you too, and not in a romantic way. You are too old for me, ha ha! Save your poem; it is filled with a lot of honest emotions – a wonderful job. I really hate to see you graduate. Wish you could stay a few more years.

Our summer friendship will last a long time, don’t worry. I’ll always be around for you, and I’ll still want to hug you, even for no reason; just to let you know I’m still here.

Chapter 17

Fall 1984

T
rue to his word, he continued to be there for me through the autumn. And I found myself depending on this new relationship more and more:

You provided me a special friend

Who is always there to listen

Yes, it helped me a lot

Without this friend,

I probably would keep things inside.

When school started,

We didn’t talk that much

But I wrote him notes anyhow.

It seems as if our special friendship is fading.

Why am I sometimes mad

When there’s a girl

Who seems like she wants to have

This special friend I’ve gotten.

Is it right for me to feel mad and jealous?

It’s just that

This person is a special friend God provided.

He showed he cared about me.

That’s all I need to know…

Someone cares.

* * *

It’s nice to have a friend

You think is special

Who thinks of you

The same.

What a warm feeling

That spreads all around you

When he said nice things

That meant just for you.

Smile spreads on your face

Just because you’re happy

To have him as a friend

Who is there to understand you.

Sighing out a relief

When your feelings and thoughts

Were set free

Knowing he’ll keep them to himself.

So comforting

When he hugs you and says he loves you.

But not in a romantic way, he says

That makes you laugh.

Great feeling

Knowing he likes you

The way you are

And cares for you.

Thinking of the wonderful friendship

You two have been developing

That will always

Remain dearly in your heart!