Deep Green: Color Me Jealous with Bonus Content (18 page)

The following day, probably due to the fact that I’d gone to youth group the night before, my mom decided we should all go to church together.

“But we hardly ever go,” said Leah as we all piled into the car. “What’s so special about today?”

“It’ll make it easier when we go at Christmas,” said my mom. “It won’t seem so much like we’re the kind of people who only go on the holidays.”

“But we
are
those kind of people,” complained Leah.

“It can’t be
that
bad,” I said to Leah.

Dad winked at me as he closed the car door.

And I suppose it wasn’t. But I could hardly believe my ears when Pastor Griswold also started preaching about forgiveness. Like don’t these pastors have anything else to talk about? Or had they gotten together and synchronized their messages specially for me this week? Anyway, Pastor Griswold said that nothing makes God feel worse than when we refuse to forgive someone after God has forgiven us. He also said how forgiveness is usually a two-way street. Often we need to ask people to forgive us as much as we need to forgive them. And to be perfectly honest, I knew that I had done Shawna wrong too. But the idea of asking her to forgive me felt pretty overwhelming. I wondered if it would be okay to just tell her I was sorry. At least it would be a step in the right direction. So when I got home after church, I went to my room and asked God to help me figure this thing out.

Although I felt like I needed to take care of it, and as soon as possible, I still wasn’t quite sure how to go about it. Like, I couldn’t see myself having my mom drive me over to Shawna’s and then hobbling up to her door and telling her that I was sorry. I mean, I want to obey God and everything, but how lame would that be? And an email seemed slightly impersonal. Plus, I remembered how she had used email in her little setup. Finally, it seemed that a phone call was the best route. I prayed as I dialed her number and then felt my hands actually shaking as I listened to the phone ring. I seriously hoped she wasn’t home and even considered hanging up before the message machine came on, except that I know she has caller ID.

“Hello?”

I thought it was Shawna, although her voice sounded flat and tired and totally unlike the old Shawna.

“Shawna?”

“Yeah.”

I took a breath. “This is Jordan.”

No response.

“I want to talk to you about something.”

Still no response. Had she hung up?

“Do you have a minute?”

“Depends.”

“On what?”

“What do you
want
, Jordan?” Her voice was seriously irritated now, and I half expected her to hang up on me.

“Well, it’s kind of a long story.” I paused to see if she had a problem with that, but when she said nothing, I continued. “I realize there’s a lot of crud between us and everything. And first of all, I want to tell you I’m sorry for some things I said and did to you, mostly in regard to Timothy.”

“Whatever.” She sounded bored now.

“And, well, I became a Christian recently and—”

“Are you for
real?”

“Huh?”

“What’s up with you, Jordan? Why are you calling me like this?”

“Like I said, I invited God into my life and I know that he wants me to make things right with you, or at least try. And I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry and that I’m not going to hold any of this against you. That’s all.”

Dead silence.

“Are you still there?”

“Yeah. But why are you saying that?”

“What?”

“That you’re not going to hold this against me? I mean, it doesn’t make sense. Why aren’t you totally ticked off at me, Jordan?”

“Because of God. I realized that I needed to tell you I was sorry and that I’m not carrying a grudge. I just thought I should let you know.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know exactly why.” I thought hard about what Pastor Griswold had said this morning. “I guess it’s just because that’s what God wants us to do. He forgives us and we’re supposed to forgive others. It’s really pretty simple.”

“So are you serious, Jordan?” Her voice had softened just a little. “No hard feelings?”

“Yes. Totally.”

“So, what’s the deal then? Do you expect something from me?”

“No, I just wanted to let you know.”

“And do you, like, think this means we’re going to be good friends again?” I could hear the distinct note of sarcasm in her voice.

“No, that’s not it. I just hope we won’t hate each other anymore.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet you do.”

“Look, it’s your choice, Shawna. But for the record, I don’t hate you anymore.”

“Whatever.”

“And I’m really sorry that everything got so messed up for you lately.”

“Yeah, I’ll just bet you are.” Now that old sharp edge returned to her voice. “Betsy already told me that you and Timothy are back together—”

“We’re not really back together again.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.”

“Really. We’ve talked and stuff. And he asked me to the Winter Dance. But I’m not even sure that’s what I want anymore.” I couldn’t believe that I was actually confessing this to Shawna Frye, of all people. I mean, who knew what she might do with something like this?

Now she laughed. But it was a harsh, bitter-sounding laugh.

“Really, Shawna, the only reason I called was to say I’m sorry. And I hope you’re doing okay.”

“So, you’re really serious about this God thing?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s not just some cheap little trick for getting back at me?”

“Honestly, Shawna. I gave my heart to God and I’m trying to live my life differently.”

“Jordan Ferguson gets religion.” It sounded like the title of a TV movie.

“Yeah, something like that.” I really wanted to end this conversation now.

“Well, that’s pretty weird.”

I sighed. “Yeah, I’m sure it seems weird to you. And it did to me at first, but it makes more sense every day.”

“And you really aren’t getting back together with Timothy?”

I considered this before I gave her my most truthful answer. “The more I think about it, the more I feel pretty certain that I’m not.”

“Well, it just figures.”

“What?”

She didn’t say anything.

“So, really, Shawna, if you think you and Timothy still have something, seriously, I
won’t
be standing in your way anymore.”

Now she laughed again. But her laughter seemed worn out and perhaps laced with sadness. “Oh, you got that right, Jordan. Timothy and I still
do
have something.”

I blinked in surprise, since Timothy had sounded like they were totally over. “Well, hey, that’s cool with me. Really.”

“Yeah, I’m sure it is. I wasn’t even going to tell you either.”

“You don’t have—”

“No, why not? Why not just lay all the cards on the table, Jordan. In case you’re interested, that special something that Timothy and I
have
together”—she paused—“is something you’ll be just as glad not to get.”

“Huh?”

“Timothy infected me with an STD.”

“STD?” I knew I’d heard those initials before, but it took me a split second to realize that she was actually talking about a sexually transmitted disease. “Are you serious?”

“I got the freaking results back from the doctor on Friday.”

“Oh, man, I am so sorry, Shawna.”

“Yeah, me too. And maybe I’m just assuming something here . . .” Then she paused again. “Or maybe I’m wrong, but the last I heard, you and Timothy hadn’t actually done it or else you’d better get yourself checked too.”

“Oh, no problem, I don’t need to get checked.” I felt a new rush of relief.

“Lucky you.” But her voice sounded flat and tired again.

“Have you told Timothy yet?”

“I called him yesterday and he accused me of making the whole thing up.”

“But you’re not, are you?”

“Yeah, right.” She sighed. “Sheesh, why would I make up something like this, Jordan? It’s not like it makes me look good. But, hey, if you don’t believe me, you could always go ahead and find out for yourself.”

“Yeah, thanks a lot.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“I hope you’re getting good treatment for it, Shawna.”

“Oh, it’s the best that modern medicine has to offer. It can control the symptoms, but the disease will be with me until someone invents a cure, which might not be for a few more decades.”

“I really am sorry.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Take care.”

“Thanks. And thanks for calling.”

I hung up the phone and just shook my head.
An STD?
That was just too much to even begin to wrap my head around. All I could do was pray. First I thanked God for protecting me, and then I prayed for both Shawna and Timothy. I wasn’t even sure
how
I should pray for them. But mostly, I just asked God to help them come to him in the same way that I was coming to him. “They’re going to need you,” I prayed. “Please help them find you.”

twenty-four

S
OMEHOW, AND
I
SUPPOSE IT’S NOT TERRIBLY SURPRISING, THE WORD GOT
out that Shawna and Timothy both have an STD. Thankfully, I was
not
the informant. And also thankfully, I had already broken things off with Tim before this became common knowledge.

“I really don’t think I’m ready for a relationship right now,” I had told him last Monday. “You see, I just gave my heart to God and there are a few things I need to figure out right now. And consequently, I can’t go to the dance with you either.”

I wasn’t that surprised when he barely reacted to my gentle rejection. He obviously had bigger problems on his mind now, and it was hard not to feel sorry for him.

It was toward the middle of the week that the rumor really began circulating. I think it actually started out among the guys. Who says guys don’t gossip? But then on Friday a new story began spreading like wildfire.

“Did you hear the latest?” Jenny pulled me aside right before second period. She had this total look of horror in her eyes.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, certain there must be a student with a machine gun holding half the students hostage somewhere.

“Timothy has to quit basketball!”

“Oh. I thought it was something
really
serious.”

“This
is
serious,” she said. “Now there’s no way we can go to state this year.”

“Why is he quitting?” I asked.

“They say it’s because of the treatment he’s taking for the STD. He’s allergic to penicillin, so they have to do some kind of experimental drug that might cause him to have a heart attack if he’s playing basketball.”

“No, really?”

“Really. Not only is he out of luck with the ladies but now he doesn’t even have sports to fall back on.”

“I guess this wipes out all hope of a scholarship too.” I shook my head. “He must be feeling rotten.”

And I’m sure it doesn’t help that all of his friends are pretty mad at him now, like he personally decided to ruin this basketball season for everyone.

“I can’t believe he did this to us,” said Ashley as we stood in the lunch line.

“Did this to
us?”
I echoed. “What about
him?”

“He’s getting what he deserves,” she said as she picked up a salad. “It’s just not fair that he has to drag the whole school down with him.”

“Well, according to what I read last night, he’s not the only one with this kind of problem.” Now, I hate to admit that I had gotten a little worried about all this STD business myself. I mean, I realize we’d only kissed, but I wasn’t totally sure that these viruses were
only
transmitted through the actual sexual deed. Just to be safe, I decided to do a little research.

“What do you mean?” Ashley frowned at me.

“I mean, according to statistics, Shawna and Timothy can’t be the only ones at school with an STD. There are probably a whole bunch of other kids who should get checked, whether they have symptoms or not.”

“Well, thanks for making my day,” said Ashley.

“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger. This is probably something they covered in health class anyway.”

“Like we ever listened.” Ashley rolled her eyes.

So everyone was in a pretty foul mood at school today. Ironically enough, we had a pep assembly this afternoon and, let me tell you, it was totally pathetic. Not only was it poorly attended but the kids who did show up had about as much enthusiasm as a pile of turnips. I was actually glad that I didn’t have to be down on the gym floor with the rest of the cheerleaders, trying to generate some lukewarm enthusiasm. It’s really amazing how everything can change in the course of a week.

But here’s something that happened that kind of made my day. Shawna actually came up to talk to me after the assembly.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said, Jordan, and I just wanted to apologize to you for all the crud I pulled. I’m sorry.”

Now call me skeptical or just slightly paranoid, but at first I wasn’t totally sure that this wasn’t just another one of her tricks. But when I looked into her eyes, I could see them getting watery and I could tell she was about to cry.

“Thanks,” I told her. “I appreciate that. And, really, I’m sorry too.”

“This really blows, you know.” She shook her head and watched as the somber crowd exited the gym.

“Yeah, I know. I feel bad for both you and Timothy.”

“I’m actually starting to feel a little bit sorry for Timothy myself—well, when I’m not consumed with anger, that is.”

“I’m sure he’s pretty bummed.”

“Well, I’ll bet you’re feeling pretty lucky, eh? Like you missed a bullet?”

“I’m mostly just thankful to God. I think he was watching over me.”

“Nice that he watches over
some
of us.” I could hear the cut in her voice.

“Well, I was asking for his help,” I explained. “It’s not like he’s going to force anyone to do anything. You have to be willing, you know.”

“Actually, I
don’t
know.”

“Well, maybe you’d like to hear more about it sometime.”