Deep Surrendering: Episode Eight (4 page)

Slowly I walked toward the entrance to Fin’s building, clutching the card in my hand.

What the hell had just happened? Had it just been a coincidence that she’d been in front of his building? Something told me no. Of all the places in the entire city, the probability that she would show up in front of this one was miniscule. So, she was here for a reason.

Fin told me he never invited girls up to his place. At least not the ones he was sleeping with, and he’d only slept with professionals before me, except for two girls when he was a teenager.

So what was she doing here? Fin wasn’t here, he was back in Germany. My mind tumbled over the possibilities. The explanation could be very simple, or it could lead to a whole box of new Fin secrets I hadn’t yet unearthed.

More secrets. I didn’t mind a little mystery with my romance, but I’d thought we’d gotten past the worst of it.

I rubbed my eyes and felt a headache coming on as the elevator took me to Fin’s floor.

I still had the card in my hand. I thought about tearing it up into tiny pieces and forgetting about it, but then if I did decide I wanted to talk to her, I’d never have the chance.

So I slid the card into an inside pocket of my purse where I kept my tampons. It wasn’t likely anyone would find it in there if they went looking.

I unlocked the door, and for the first time, a sense of shame washed over me as I walked into Fin’s place. I should tell him about my encounter with Sapphire. I should message him right now and tell him.

I couldn’t keep a secret when I’d been angry with him for doing just that.

I couldn’t.

My internal struggle was a silent one. The only sound in the apartment was the hum of the cooling system, and the appliances. Fin didn’t even have a ticking clock on the wall.

I didn’t know what to do.

On one hand, I should tell Fin. On the other, if I didn’t, I might be able to get some information out of Sapphire that I wouldn’t be able to get out of Fin. The second plan was awful and made me feel sick.

I had to tell him.

Now to just wait for him to call.

I was laying in Fin’s bed doing some reading for class when he finally called. I’d made myself an espresso shot earlier, so I was awake and alert.

The call came in on my phone, sans video. I wish he’d been able to do video, but I understood he probably wasn’t in a place where he could.

“Hello, Marisol.” His voice sounded so much better than it had earlier that relief washed over me.

“Hi, Fin. Can we talk?”

“Yes, we can. Away from prying ears. We’re safe.”

“What happened earlier? How is everything going? Has your father done anything?” I knew that was a lot of questions to unload on him at once, but I was desperate to know he was okay and not chained in a basement somewhere, or sitting with two guards a foot away at all times.

“Whoa, slow down. I’m fine. Things are . . . well, I’m not going to lie and say that they are fantastic, but they’re not as bad as I thought they would be. He’s barely said a word about it, actually.” Well, if that wasn’t a gigantic red flag, I didn’t know what was.

“Doesn’t that worry you?”

“Obviously. I haven’t lived my entire life with this man to start being ignorant now. I just have to figure out what his game plan is. I’m sure I won’t like it when I find out what it is, but until I know his plan, I’m stuck here. Until I know I can get away from him for good, show him that I will break free no matter the consequences, I belong to him.”

“No. You belong to yourself.” I wanted him to belong to me, but I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that yet.

“Someday I will. I hope.”

“This is such a mess you’re in, Fin Herald,” I said, trying to make light of a trés crappy situation.

“You’re telling me. I didn’t know how bad it was until I met you and had a reason to get out. Almost like Stockholm Syndrome.” I shuddered and wished we could talk about other things.

“So, what are you up to while I’m gone? No good, I assume.” The flirty tone was back in his voice.

“Well, I’ve had a very exciting night of textbook reading. I’m in your bed, by the way.” I stroked the sheets that were still drenched in his scent. It would fade, probably tomorrow, but I was going to wrap myself in it for as long as possible.

“And have you heard anything from your parents?”

“I’m going over on Sunday, but other than that, nothing. Dad was really weird to me on the phone when he called, though. He acted . . . well, he was acting like Mom, all cold and distant. I hated it.”

“I’m sorry I can’t be there with you while you’re going through this. You don’t know how sorry I am.”

“It’s okay, Fin. You don’t have to apologize. I understand.” I didn’t blame him for the situation he was in.

“It’s okay if you blame me. I would blame me.” This was one of those times when I wished he was here so I could put my arms around his neck . . . and strangle him.

“Listen to me, Fin Herald. I don’t blame you for being the victim of abuse at the hands of your father for your entire life. Being a victim doesn’t make you weak, and it isn’t your fault. And you’re doing everything you can to free yourself. Have I told you how proud I am of you? Because I am.”

I got myself a little choked up and had to wipe away a few tears.

“Thank you, Marisol.” His voice sounded a little emotional as well.

“No thanks needed. Just be safe and come home to me.” I’d started thinking of Fin’s place as my second home. The place I went when I needed to escape from the regular world.

I thought about seeing Sapphire today and the card with the phone number on it. I opened my mouth to tell him, but then I heard a sound on his end.

“I’m sorry to cut this short, my Mari Cherry, but I have to go. I’ll call you as soon as I can. Hopefully I can send you a message first and let you know what time so you’re not asleep or in the middle of something.”

The words I was going to say died on my lips. We couldn’t have a whole conversation about Sapphire now. I’d save it for our next conversation.

“Sounds good. Talk to you soon. Love you.”

“Goodnight, Marisol.”

I ended the call and stared down at the phone, half-considering texting him the whole Sapphire thing. But that wasn’t the type of conversation you could have via text. No, I’d just tell him tomorrow. Then I could better formulate what I wanted to say and figure out what I actually wanted to do.

I knew Fin would probably stop me from trying to talk to her. He very much liked to keep his sexual life and the other parts of his life separate. But I had the feeling Sapphire would talk to me. Even though she was, for all intents and purposes, a prostitute, there was something open and honest in her face. I tried not to think about that also being one of the reasons Fin kept going to see her for years.

Years. She’d known Fin since he was young. Since just after the accident that his father used against him. I’d always wondered what Fin was like when he was young. He could tell me, but people viewed themselves far differently than others did.

Yes, I wanted to talk to her, but I wanted to make sure Fin at least knew about it. I wouldn’t go behind his back. I wouldn’t be able to face him when he came back if I kept that kind of secret. No, I would tell him.

Tomorrow.

But as it turned out, Fin sent me a message saying he wasn’t going to be able to call me that day—or that night. He assured me everything was okay, he was just very busy. Probably trying to unravel his father’s no doubt intricate and complicated plan to rope him back into submission again.

I tried to think that no news was good news, but I was still a wreck for most of the day.

The card from Sapphire was burning a hole in my purse and I had to see my parents in two days. I wanted to call Dad again and see if he was still going to act cold towards me, but I decided against that plan as well.

I was at a standstill and just waiting for everything to collapse.

Instead,
I
collapsed. For the first time ever, I fell asleep in one of my classes. Fortunately we were just going over textbook material and slides, so the lights were off and I don’t think my professor saw me, but I was still embarrassed beyond belief and slinked out of the room as quickly as possible.

Two choices: Have more coffee and try to power through, or give myself permission to crash for a little while.

I went with option two and hailed a cab to take me back to my apartment, pinching myself the whole time to make sure I stayed awake.

I was barely able to get my clothes off before I faceplanted on my bed and passed completely out.

The next time my eyes opened, the room was dark. I glanced at the clock. It was nine p.m. Damn. I’d slept for a long time. I didn’t mean to, and now my internal clock was going to be off. This was why I didn’t take naps.

I got up and winced. I’d fallen asleep so fast that I’d slept in a weird position, and now I had a crick in my neck. I did a few stretches and then got to my feet. My entire body ached like it did right before the flu came on. Wouldn’t surprise me if I got sick now. My immune system wasn’t at its best.

Since I’d slept through dinner, my stomach was screaming, so I went to the kitchen to get something and nearly tripped over my bag. Apparently, I’d decided the middle of the floor was the best place to put it when I came home earlier.

Cursing at myself, I picked it up and fished out my phone. No calls, but I wasn’t expecting anything.

I found a frozen dinner and threw it in the microwave. I yawned and stared at the revolving container.

Well, I was going to be up all night so I might as well make use of my time. After my food finished nuking, I gathered up all of my books and my reading schedule. I always found it helpful at the beginning of every semester to gather all my syllabi and plan out all my assignments and when I needed to read them. I’d been doing it this way for my entire undergraduate and graduate career, and it had worked so far.

It would be nice to get ahead on everything, so I made piles of books and assignments and did the worst one first, saving the best (collecting articles and blog posts about unschooling and homeschooling for a research paper) for last.

The apartment was quiet, my neighbors either having gone to bed early, or still out for the evening. I worked steadily, and the more items I checked off my list, the better I felt and the more stress and tension seemed to dissipate, leaving nothing but the drive to get everything done behind.