Defy the Stars (3 page)

Dad and Michael talked all the way. Then Dad dropped us outside the church where people were milling about. I couldn’t spot anyone I knew, so Michael and I headed inside. The church was
packed. Gary, Siobhan’s fiancé, was up at the front but there was no sign of Flynn.

A lot of the people here were just a few years older than I was – and very dressed up in suits and dresses. Most of the girls were slim and pretty. I recognised a couple from the hair
salon where Siobhan used to work. I smoothed the skirt of my dress down, hoping I didn’t look too bad in comparison.

I could tell Michael felt a bit anxious too. He was fingering the collar of his shirt and there were beads of sweat on his forehead. For a moment, I wished I was here with Leo. At least he and I
could have chatted about something to take our minds off the occasion. Michael and I didn’t really have much in common. He was studying science and business studies at college whereas I was
doing arts subjects. Anyway, most of his conversations were about animals.

‘Are you okay?’ I asked.

‘Fine.’ He gave me a kind smile. ‘What about you? You seem . . . er, a little on edge.’

‘I’m good,’ I lied. ‘What about you?’

Michael shrugged. ‘I’m just a bit hot,’ he admitted. ‘Sometimes I wish I could thermoregulate, like a dog.’

‘Right,’ I said, unsure exactly what he was talking about.

We took a seat about halfway down the church, close to the aisle. I looked around. Flynn definitely wasn’t here. I couldn’t see any of Siobhan’s family, in fact.

‘So I forgot to ask your dad, how many eggs do the hens lay each week?’ Michael asked, flicking casually through the order of service that lay on the shelf in front of us.

‘It varies,’ I said, not really listening. I’d just caught sight of Flynn’s mum at the church door.

At that moment the organ started up. Flynn’s mum started walking up the aisle. She stopped to chat to people along the way. When she came to me she beamed with delight.

‘River, I’m so happy you’re here,’ she said.

‘Hi.’ I smiled back, my nerves suddenly vanishing. It was lovely to see Flynn’s mum. I had always liked her and his sisters so much. I had been absolutely right to come here
today. Flynn wasn’t an issue. Today wasn’t even about him. It was Siobhan and Gary’s moment. That was all that really mattered.

I asked Flynn’s mum how she was, but before there was time for her to answer, the organ began playing the traditional wedding march and she scuttled off to take her seat. My heart surged
with the joy of the occasion as I strained my eyes towards the back of the church, looking, along with everyone else, for the bride to appear.

A cloud of white silk appeared in the doorway. Was that Siobhan? Two girls in pale green dresses were adjusting the silk. One of them looked about twenty, the other about eleven. They were both
very pretty. I peered more closely at the younger girl. Was that Caitlin? The last time I’d seen Flynn’s younger sister she’d been dressed in a T-shirt and jeans, her short curly
hair cut in a wild bob. She looked far older than I remembered, though surely less than a year had actually passed since I’d seen her.

The two girls stood back and the white silk turned. Siobhan stood there, looking breathtakingly beautiful, her eyes shining with excitement. She turned to someone standing behind her. He was
wearing a dark suit, his face masked by her veil. I held my breath. Surely it couldn’t be Siobhan’s dad all dressed up and ready to give his daughter away? He was a drunk who used to
beat their mum and once attacked Flynn, leaving a long jagged scar on his shoulder. He wasn’t supposed to come near the family.

I waited, watching, still holding my breath. And then the figure stepped forwards and, as he took his sister’s hand, I saw that it was Flynn.

It was him. It was really him, his dark hair longer than when I’d last seen him, his presence somehow filling the church. Flynn hadn’t seen me. His eyes were on his
sister beside him. She said something and he spoke back, squeezing her hand. He looked over his shoulder at the two other girls. I could see Caitlin nodding as she took her position behind Siobhan.
The priest was with them now. The congregation was instructed to stand and, a moment later, the wedding group set off up the aisle.

I turned away, my heart beating fast, and bent my head over my order of service sheet. I felt faint. Giddy. I knew my face was as red as my dress.

He was here. About to pass me. I kept my head down. The music soared through a couple of chords. Then I heard the swish of silk and glanced sideways. Siobhan was walking by. Flynn was on her
other side, looking across the pews nearest him. They walked to the front of the church. As they reached the altar, the music stopped. I realised I was still holding my breath and breathed in
quickly, letting the air out in a shaky sigh. Beside me, Michael shuffled from side to side.

I stared at the back of Flynn’s head. His dark hair was slicked back, the ends lost against the collar of the dark suit. It fitted him exactly. The older bridesmaid adjusted the long train
on Siobhan’s wedding dress. Flynn turned and smiled at her, then gave Caitlin an encouraging nod. He scanned the aisles swiftly, as if looking for something, then turned to face the front.
Gary took his place beside Siobhan and she let go of Flynn’s hand. The priest started speaking.

I didn’t hear a word.

All I could hear was the sound of my own heart pounding away. A minute or two passed and Flynn and the bridesmaids sat down. Flynn was on the edge of the front row, next to his mother.

He turned around again, his eyes flickering over the people behind him, as if searching for something again. I watched his face, recognising the intense expression, the shape of his lips. It was
as if no time had passed since I’d seen him. He seemed as familiar to me as my own reflection in the mirror.

And then his eyes met mine and he stopped gazing around and just stared at me.

So
I
was what he had been looking for. My heart felt so full that I thought it might burst, my blood like thunder against my temples.

He looked and he looked at me. I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I had thought that after the first few dead, dark months without Flynn, my existence was more or less back to normal. But now I
realised that the recent months had been dull and washed-out and that only here and now, with Flynn, was the world bursting into glorious technicolour again, everything exploding with life.

A terrible fear rose up inside me. Who had I been kidding, thinking seeing Flynn would give me closure? All I wanted was to hold him, to have him hold me, to kiss me.

I forced myself to look down. I counted to thirty. Slowly. When I looked up Flynn had turned to face the front again. Siobhan and Gary were taking their vows. Then the dark-haired bridesmaid
read a poem. The priest spoke. Caitlin fidgeted. Flynn’s mother wiped a tear from her eyes. Flynn put his arm around her. He didn’t look around again, but I could see there was a new
self-consciousness in the way he was holding himself, like he sensed I was watching him.

I felt like crying. Dad and Grace and everyone else had been right – I was back where I had been months ago, in agony. I shouldn’t have come. I glanced at Michael. He had folded his
order of service into a paper animal with four legs. He looked bored. I was sure he wouldn’t mind if I asked him to leave.

I gulped. I couldn’t just walk out in the middle of the actual wedding. But as soon as it was over, we would go. Never mind the party afterwards. I needed to get away as soon as
possible.

The service was coming to an end. Siobhan and Gary were pronounced man and wife. There was a short pause while they signed the register, then the organ struck up again and the two of them came
back down the aisle, arms linked, matching smiles on their faces.

Flynn followed behind. He was charting and laughing with the twenty-something bridesmaid. Was that his girlfriend? Hot, angry jealousy filled me to the tips of my fingers. I tore my gaze away,
staring down at my shoes.

As Flynn passed I could feel he was looking at me again, but I forced myself to keep my eyes on the floor.

The organ music finished and the guests headed out of the church. I turned to Michael.

‘I . . . I’d like to leave now,’ I said.

‘You mean go home?’ Michael frowned. ‘What about the party?’ he said.

‘I’m not feeling well,’ I lied.

Michael nodded, his trusting face filling with concern. ‘It’s really hot in here. Why don’t we go outside for a moment, see if that helps you feel better?’

We headed outside. The sun was high and bright in a clear blue sky, the air warmer than when we’d gone into the church. I kept my gaze down, hanging back by the church wall. Michael
disappeared to find the toilets, saying that if I wasn’t feeling better when he came back we should call my dad to come and pick us up.

I closed my eyes letting the sun warm my face. It had been such a mistake to come here. What had I been thinking? Flynn was with someone else. He might still throw me an intense stare but that
was probably just curiosity. Or boredom.

‘River?’

My heart jumped into my throat. I opened my eyes. Flynn was standing in front of me. His green-gold eyes were almost emerald in the sunshine. There was a small scar by his top lip. He was
looking down at me with a softness in his gaze that made my stomach flip over and over.

‘Hi there.’ The words came out all strangled: ‘hghnn’.

Flynn smiled, a slow, easy grin. My insides melted. No, this was
awful.
Everything I had ever felt for him was flooding back.

‘I’m so glad you came,’ he said softly. ‘I told Siob she had to invite you.’ He paused. ‘You look the same, only better.’

I stared up at his face. There were fine lines around his eyes that hadn’t been there before. His face was slightly thinner too. My head spun.

‘You look the same, only older,’ I said.

Flynn laughed.

The dark-haired bridesmaid appeared out of nowhere. She handed Flynn a small make-up bag.

‘Look after this, will you, we’re doing photos?’

‘Sure. Hey, Izzy, this is River.’

Izzy smiled at me, clearly distracted. ‘Hey,’ she said.

She turned away. My whole being filled with jealousy again. So much for imagining I’d be able to chat easily and happily with Flynn’s new girlfriend. I wanted to weep. All the
feelings I’d thought I had buried were rearing up again, consuming me: jealousy . . . desire . . . love . . .

‘Is that your . . . ?’

‘No.’ Flynn’s eyes widened. ‘No way. Izzy’s one of Siob’s oldest friends. I’ve known her since I was a little kid. I don’t have a
girlfriend.’

‘Oh.’ My heart leaped with joy, then with shame at the fact that I was so pleased. I could feel myself blushing. I chattered on, trying to cover my confusion.

‘Oh, I see. It’s just . . . um . . . in Siobhan’s note about the wedding she said you were coming with a friend?’

‘Yeah, that’s Cody.’ Flynn indicated a tall, straight-backed boy with spiky, pale brown hair, charting to two girls a few metres away. ‘He’s . . . we kind of work
together.’

‘Doing what?’ It felt surreal to be asking Flynn such questions but in the back of my mind I was thinking that it was good we were talking like this. Small talk. It was how we needed
to be now. There would be this short conversation, then I would go. And that would be that.

Flynn waved his hand. ‘Stuff,’ he said. ‘Work’s boring. Tell me about you. How’s the commune? Your dad? Gemma? I heard they’re having a baby.’

‘That’s right,’ I said. ‘In a few weeks.’

‘What about Leo?’ Flynn’s face darkened slightly.

‘He’s fine,’ I said. ‘Everyone’s fine.’ There was a pause. ‘I’m busy at school. I help out at the commune, work most Saturdays in Norton at a
café.’

There was another pause. Flynn stared down at me. His presence was like a second sun, pulling me towards him, into his orbit. Dangerous. Magnetic. Powerful. He cleared his throat.

‘Er, I saw who you were with in the church.’ He wrinkled his nose. ‘You and Michael Greene?
Seriously?’

‘Michael’s nice.’ I raised my eyebrows.

Flynn laughed. At that moment Caitlin came running up. She tugged at Flynn’s sleeve.

‘Come on,’ she urged him. ‘You’re needed for the photos.’ She glanced around at me. ‘Oh, hi, River.’

‘Hi.’ I smiled at her.

Flynn rolled his eyes. ‘I’ll be right back,’ he said. He looked into me, his eyes sparkling green. ‘Will you wait?’

I couldn’t speak. Too many emotions were crowding my head.

I nodded.
Yes.

Flynn turned and sauntered away. I leaned against the brick wall of the church, the sun fierce on my face. I wanted to laugh and I wanted to cry. The whole world looked different, like
everything had shifted a few centimetres making it all brighter, sharper, more alive.

Michael strolled up, smiling. ‘There’s a swallow’s nest in the back bit of the church. It’s up high but you can see the baby birds peeking out. I think they’re
getting ready to fly.’

I stared at him. His eyes suddenly registered alarm.

‘River, you look really pale. I’m so sorry, I forgot you said you weren’t feeling well. Did you call your dad?’

I shook my head. I peered over to the huddle of people crowded around the photographs. Laughter echoed towards us across the grass.

I had to go.

I shoved my phone at Michael. ‘He’s under “Dad” in my contacts list. Would you call him while I tell someone we’re leaving? Tell him not to worry. I just have an
upset tummy. It’s nothing serious.’

Michael nodded. As he made the call I headed across the yard to the boy with the pale brown hair Flynn had described as his friend. He was watching the photo session taking place on the
grass.

‘Hi, are you Cody?’ I said

The boy nodded. He was tall with grey eyes. He looked nothing like Flynn, though there was a similar intensity in his expression. He gazed down at me. I shivered. There was something cold and
calculating about his pale eyes.

‘I’m River,’ I said, feeling the familiar stab of embarrassment at having to say my unusual name out loud.