Derailed (9 page)

“But it’s still you and me.” He smiled a little, looking like he was debating whether to say more.

I didn’t give him the chance. “Aren’t we going to go?”

“Yeah, okay.” He backed out of the driveway and drove down to the marina.

He hopped out as soon as he parked and was waiting with a hand ready when I opened my door.

I accepted his hand and jumped down. “Thanks.”

He didn’t let go of my hand, and I didn’t try to pull it away. There was some serious nostalgia going on. Sneaking onto his dad’s boat brought back memories—or I guessed this time we weren’t sneaking.

Ben led us down the dock and onto the boat, right to the front deck. “It might be a new truck, but it’s the same old boat.”

I nodded. “That it is.”

I headed over to the starboard side, leaning over the railing to watch the gorgeous full moon in the sky. He followed me over, standing behind me with his arms around me. I leaned back into him, closing my eyes.

“I still remember every detail from that night, you know.” His arms tightened around me.

“Me too.” I knew exactly what night he was talking about.

“I remember how nervous you were afterward.”

I nodded even though he probably couldn’t see. Maybe he’d felt it. “I was terrified I was pregnant even though I had no real reason to be.”

“I seriously thought you’d never have sex with me again, that it would be a onetime deal.”

“I thought so to.”

“I wanted to hug Shayna when she came home from college and took you to get the pill.”

I laughed. “Yeah, she really was a cool big sister to have. My mom would have killed me if I’d asked, and oh god, if my dad found out, you would have been dead too.”

“Don’t I know it!” I imagined he cringed internally at the thought of my dad finding out. “I had a whole plan you know.”

“A plan?”

“For if you’d actually gotten pregnant.” His body tensed behind me.

“A plan to handle a pregnancy at sixteen?”

“Oh, it was a great one. You’d move in with me and my parents, and I’d take more hours working for my dad.”

“I never got beyond the ‘my parents are going to disown me’ part.” I opened my eyes and looked at the sky again. “The moon was full that night too.”

“All we need is a bottle of strawberry Boone’s, and we could reenact it.”

I chuckled. “Strawberry Boone’s. Wow, we really had distinguished taste.”

“Hey, all you’d drink was Boone’s and wine coolers. You hated beer, and I needed to find a way to get you drunk.”

“I wasn’t drunk that night.”

“I know,” he said quietly.

I turned around to look at him. His brown eyes still had the friendliness they always did, but he looked so much older. Maybe it was another five years spent in the sun, or just time passing, but he certainly didn’t look like the same boy I left.

He braced his arms on the railing, looking down at me. “You look so sad.”

“That’s not really what a girl wants to hear.” I tried to make a joke of it.

“You still look beautiful, but you look sad. What can I do to change that?”

“You don’t have to change it. I’m used to feeling this way.”

“That’s not an answer. I at least need to try.” He ran his hands down my arms, making me shiver. Just a small touch still had such an effect on me.

I leaned up and kissed him lightly on the lips before settling back down on the balls of my feet.

“Is that all you have?” He had that twinkle in his eye that I’d always loved.

“No, I have plenty more.” I leaned up again, wrapping my arms around his neck to bring him down to my height. His arms wrapped around me as soon as my lips met his. The kiss was gentle this time. It lacked the heat of the night before. It was a kiss of sadness and regret and not of passion.

I broke the kiss first, and he exhaled deeply.

He brushed a tear off my cheek. I hadn’t realized I was crying.

“Please let me make you better.”

“Can’t you just make me forget?”

“I need to know what you’re forgetting. It isn’t me, is it?” His eyes were wide, fearful of my response.

“I couldn’t forget you if I tried.”

He smiled faintly. “Okay, I’ll make you forget.”

He pulled out a blanket from underneath a bench seat and laid it out in exactly the same spot where I’d lost my virginity to him. I followed him down to the blanket, not worrying about the tears that still fell silently down my cheeks.

He placed light kisses all over my face and neck, his hands moving over me just as softly. He removed our clothes slowly this time, without the previous night’s urgency. We didn’t say anything, just watched each other. Ben kept his word. He did help me forget. But with his gentle lovemaking that night, he also made me remember something too—how much I loved him— and that terrified me more than any nightmares or memories could. Whatever it was that Ben and I were doing, it wasn’t casual. 

We barely said another word to each other, deciding to go home after an hour or so of cuddling together under a blanket staring at the stars. He held my hand as he led me back to the truck, opening the door for me this time before going around.

When we got back to his house, I walked over to my car.

“Did I make you forget?” he asked before I could open the car door.

“You did.” I’m sure my eyes betrayed the other emotions flooding me.

“You could stay here tonight, you know. You don’t have to go home.”

“Yes, I do.”

“I wish you didn’t.” His eyes were wide and displayed everything he wasn’t saying. Staying the night would be agreeing to move things further than I could handle. Besides, there was no way I could let Ben witness my nightmares. I had to face them on my own.

“Good night then.” He kissed me lightly on the lips before stepping back to let me get in the car.

“Night.” I got ready to close my door.

“Mol?”

“Hmm?”

“Whenever you’re ready to stay the night, the offer is open.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I closed the door, pulling away from the curb before he made it to his front door.

When I got home, I poured myself a cranberry vodka, light on the cranberry, and settled down on the couch. I needed to get to my numb place, and I needed to get there fast.

Chapter Ten

I moved through the motions Thursday, but I wasn’t really there. The night before, Adam wasn’t in my dreams, but Dad was. He was the one screaming for me, but I couldn’t actually hear it through the car door. Instead of a hook keeping me from the water—I couldn’t budge the door. No matter how hard I pulled, it wouldn’t give. A whistle blew, and I woke up crying hysterically. Even though it was the last place in the world I should have gone, I dragged myself down the hall into my parents’ bed just like I did as a little girl, before everything in life got so complicated.

I thought about calling Gavin to cancel on our “friend dinner” a few times, but knew that if I did, I’d probably wind up at Ben’s, and that was a temptation I needed to resist. I knew I wasn’t good for him, but I couldn’t stay away. Every time I thought I’d pushed him from my head, his smile would show up in my mind again. Sometimes I’d think about what we’d done recently, but more often than not I’d remember something from when we dated. Usually that led to me comparing my time with him to my time with Adam, which was a horrible idea.

“You okay, sweetie?” Gail asked after I overfilled someone’s coffee, splashing it everywhere. I knew she wasn’t asking if I got burned.

“Oh, I’m fine, sorry for being distracted.” I picked up a cloth and mopped up my mess, smiling in apology as I handed over the coffee to the customer.

“All right. You’ll talk to me when you’re ready.” Gail gently patted my back. She still smelled like coffee and lavender. I liked the comfort of the familiar.

I spent my break taking pictures of flowers at the nursery across the street. Mr. Adkins waved me in when I approached with my camera. I didn’t even have to explain what I was doing. The colors of the flowers were amazing, especially the roses, but I shot in black and white. There was something kind of poetic of robbing the flowers of their intense colors and revealing the parts of them that usually got overshadowed. Anyway, I was really more in the black and white mood.

“Could I see your pictures?” Mr. Adkins asked as I got ready to leave.

“Sure.” He leaned over me as I flipped through them. 

“Do you think you could print out some of those for me?” he asked.

“Oh, sure I can.” I looked down at the picture on the screen, surprised he was so interested in my photos. “What type of sizes were you thinking?”

“Maybe just some five by sevens. I’d love to put a few up in the back office.”

“All right, not a problem. I’ll bring them over soon.”

“Great. You’ve always been so talented with a camera; maybe if you’re really sure you don’t want to be a lawyer, you can try that.”

“What, to be a professional photographer or something?”

“Maybe. But what do I know? It was nice seeing you today. Come by anytime.”

“Thanks.” I waved as I left. I wondered if I could figure out a way to make any money from my photos. I needed any income I could get.

I was done with work at five, so I walked home slowly, not sure what to make of the night’s plans. I wasn’t sure where Gavin had made reservations, so I opted to wear a simple spaghetti strap black sundress, figuring it would work anywhere he took us. I hadn’t bothered with makeup, and I left my hair down.

Gavin showed up a few minutes early, but I was ready for him. Sitting out on the front porch, I watched him pull his Yukon, complete with roof mounted fog lights and a front winch, into the driveway. Boys only drove big cars in Clayton Falls. It was nothing like the tiny Miata Adam had treated himself to when he got his signing bonus. I was always worried we’d get squashed driving around in it.

Gavin was out of the car and on his way to meet me before I even got off the porch.

He looked me over and smiled. “Hey, Molly, you look amazing.”

“Thanks. You don’t look so bad yourself.” Gavin was in slacks and a light green dress shirt. He didn’t seem like the type of guy to dress up much, so I hoped he wasn’t taking us anywhere too fancy.

“So where are we going to dinner?”

“I’ve been meaning to try Nicola’s in Wilmington.” He held open the passenger door for me, and I climbed up.

I waited for him to get in before continuing the conversation. “Wow, all the way down there.”

He laughed. “All the way down there? It’s only twenty-five minutes. Besides, it’ll give us some time to talk.” He patted my leg, a gesture that was a little too friendly for me.

“You do remember that this isn’t actually a date, right?”

“Sure. I’m the one who suggested the friend dinner.”

“Okay. I was just checking.” I felt so guilty about going to dinner with one man when the night before I’d been intimate with another. I could play the casual game all I wanted, but I wasn’t going to be seeing two guys. Great, just another thing to feel guilty about.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” he asked as he drove through town.

“Honestly?” Gavin talked like he’d known me for years rather than a few days. I wasn’t really sure how I felt about it.

“Of course, who wants the non-honest version?”

“I’m kind of involved with someone. It’s nothing exclusive or serious obviously, but I wanted to be upfront considering I told you I wasn’t ready to date. I wasn’t lying, I’m not ready for that, but—”

“Involved with someone? Is that what you’re calling it?” Gavin cut off my rambling.

I looked over at him, not sure what to expect. “Umm, what do you mean?”

“Have you forgotten how small this town is? You think I don’t know you’ve been sleeping with your ex?” His eyes looked amused more than anything. I didn’t get it.

“You know? It hasn’t been happening a long time.”

“Jake Mathews was blabbing about it last night at Gill’s…”

“Oh. I didn’t realize Jake knew.” I could not believe this conversation was happening.

Gavin chuckled. “What does that kid have against you, anyway? The way he described it, you were some witch bewitching his brother into bed.”

I groaned. “You do realize I’m the same age as him, right?”

“Sure, but you’re more mature. By the way, I told him to go to hell. Besides, witch or not, I don’t know why a man would have to be bewitched to sleep with you.”

“So, you really don’t care? I just thought this whole friend-dinner thing was a pretense.”

“Oh, I didn’t say I didn’t care. I also didn’t say I liked it. But I get it. You’re using Ben as a rebound. He’s safe and familiar, it doesn’t take effort to be with him, and you aren’t making yourself vulnerable.” He placed his hand on my leg again, this time leaving it there. “This dinner might be as friends, but I have no intention of letting it remain that way. I just don’t plan on being your rebound.”

“Then what do you intend?” I hoped the question didn’t come across as flirty.

“You’ll get tired of Mathews, and I’ll be the one you come to. You don’t want familiar and safe—you want exciting and safe. I can give you that combination.”

“Exciting and safe? What makes you think I want that?”

He turned to look at me. “You’re a wild child playing dress up. There’s a reason you dropped out of law school, and it wasn’t the break up.”

“Is that so?”

“Uh huh, and you know what? I want that too. I want someone I can have fun with, but who is there for me at the end of the day. You can be that woman, I know that.”

His hand on my leg started to take on a whole new meaning, so I shifted in my seat trying to let him know I didn’t want it there. He got the hint, moving it to the back of my seat.

“Right now I’m just trying to figure out how to speed things up so you realize Mathews is only a distraction.”

“I wouldn’t spend too much time thinking about it.”

“Are you saying it’s more?” For the first time he looked a little worried. By then, we were on the interstate heading to Wilmington.

“No. It’s not more.” I couldn’t have more. I didn’t deserve more. “But I’m not looking for anything else right now.”