Desire of the Soul (21 page)

I wish I could answer this voice with a yes, tell him that I did know who he was, but it felt wrong to lie to him. “No, I am sorry. Who are you? What is happening?” I asked, my voice sounding as though made of beautiful glass.

“You don’t-you don’t know who I am? Atmaja, when-”

“It will take some time, King Duke. Understand that I mean no disrespect, but I think it best that you leave. Queen Tammy needs more rest, so she may recover to her full potential.”

King Duke…the name rung several bells within my head, bells that brought on flashes of memories that would not hold still enough for me to see them fully. I could see kisses within the dark, fights with eyes bright red, souls coming together as one, and love. The love was shining within both him and I, and I felt my breath catch. I loved him, but yet I did not know who he was. “Duke,” I whispered, his name making my heartbeat faster and body tingle in ways that made me shiver. “Duke?” Once again I tried to sit up, wanting to his face in front of me, but I could still not move even an inch. “Duke!”

But there was no answer, only silence in the air that told me I was alone. How long had I been trapped within my memories, reliving the flashes of my life with Duke?

I closed my eyes, feeling exhaustion settle in suddenly. My body melted in the bed as sleep claimed me, taking me away from the confusion that clouded my brain.

---

“I love you, you know that right?” Dracul asked, his voice like honey, a fire beginning where his hand rested on my arm.

“Yes, Dracul, just as I love you,” I whispered back, and pulled him closer to me. Was it bad to want so much just to kiss his lips, lie down in bed with him forever? Was it wrong to want him, yet still feel for Duke?

“No my dear, you do not understand the magnitude in which I love you.

In all the time I have been alive, I have felt nothing but the thirst. My body was torn to pieces, yet I felt no pain. I killed innocent children, mothers, fathers, and felt no remorse. I have laid in bed with hundreds of women, and felt not even lust. But you, you are something different, something new. Just knowing that you are alive, makes my heart beat faster. Seeing you beside me makes my body light up like a wildfire. Hearing your voice in my ears fills me with elation. I feel nothing but my thirst, yet I feel for you. Yet I love you. Do you understand now?” he asked me, planting a soft kiss on my forehead. “I love you.”

---

Dracul…his name was the first thought that came into my mind when I woke up, creating a flutter of butterflies within my stomach. I could remember the day I first saw him, the minute our eyes locked, the second I fell in love with him.

That was all I remembered though, my mind still a blank canvas waiting to be filled. Why was my memory so blank? What had happened that caused it?

I sat up, feeling relieved that I could actually move my body now. The room I was in was bland, white walls and nothing but the big plush bed that I was lying on.

It most definitely did not look like a room from the castle, nor did it seem to be a room from Duke’s home. Where was I?

“Tammy?” Duke’s voice pulled me from my thoughts, making a smile light up on my face.

“Hello Duke,” I murmured, smiling serenely at him. He looked so handsome, his short black hair having grown longer from my memories. Instead of it being spiked, it was curling softly at the nape of his neck.

“You-you remember me?” he asked, voice rising slightly with hope.

I tilted my head quizzically to the side, a light laugh falling from my lips. “Of course I remember you,” I answered back. “I have some questions though, if that would be okay?”

Duke nodded, which I took to mean ask away, and so I did. “Where am I? And what happened to me? Why is my memory so blank?” The questions tumbled out of my mouth, one after the other.

“You’re in the infirmary area of the castle. Ever since the Transformation, you have been in a coma. Atmaja, our doctor, has been trying everything to get you to wake up. She thinks that something traumatic must have happened during your Transformation, which caused you to block your memories. Do you have any idea what it might be?” Duke sat down on the bed beside me, smiling at me encouragingly.

“Duke honestly, if she remembers nothing then how is she supposed to remember that?” A voice filled the air, making nausea build up and burn my nose.

After a moment, a body joined the voice. It was a girl, her hair a thick brown with red highlights that made the blue of her eyes look deeper. She didn’t look that scary, but she made my insides quake.

“Pleased to meet you, my name is Kallisto,” the girl said, holding her hand out to me expectantly. I forced myself to grab it, trying to hold in the shaking that went bone deep.

“Kallisto, this is not an opportunity to start over with her. She will remember everything soon enough, and nothing will change what happened before.” Duke’s eyes flashed red, anger billowing off him in waves.

“I’m not trying to start over, but it’s not like what happened before was my fault! I wasn’t in control, how many times do we have to go over this? I mean-”

I started to tune them out, reclining back onto my bed. What if I tried to remember? What if I closed my eyes and reached into the furthest corners of my brain to unlock the memories stored there? Would it work?

I tried, snapping my eyes closed tightly and sending a quick prayer that this would go well.

I imagined a locked chest within my brain, filled to the brim with memories that I couldn’t access. Then, I imagined a bright and shiny key appearing within my hand; one that matched the lock from the chest perfectly.

I took a deep breath, then stepped forward and placed the key in the lock, turning it until I heard a thin ‘
click’
.

“Tammy? What are you doing?” My eyes snapped back open, locking with Dukes’ before my vision was bombarded with memories and I passed out.

Pieces

“Let me in to see her!” Grant’s voice filled my head, making the Red burn within my throat.

“Grant, you go in there and wake her…and you will die. Then, once you die, as will she. Would you like that to happen? Would you like our daughter to die?” My mother sounded calm, nothing like the craziness infecting Grant.

I struggled against the ties clamping me to the bed, trying to force my body out so I could go to Grant. So I could sate the thirst beginning to run rampage within me.

“She’s awake! Let me see her! Let me see Tammy!”

I heard a snarl rip out of my throat, and a rip as my hands freed themselves. “Grant,” I purred, my voice turning velvet soft as I called him to me. “Grant…”

As soon as he heard me I saw the door to my room start to shake, no doubt from him pounding against it. “Let me in! Tammy!”

“Take him out!” my mom yelled, and I felt my body go drowsy as the drug they gave to him passed through the bond.

---

I woke up; tears falling delicately down my face as I relived the night I killed Dracul over and over in my head. That was what I had been blocking, trying to keep myself from this emptiness that filled me. No wonder I had fallen into a coma, Dracul dying pushed me off the cliff, and I wasn’t going to come back. Not unless I could find a way to go to him, and Duke would never allow that. I had to leave, and I had to go now.

“Tammy, what’s wrong?” Duke appeared in the room from thin air, sitting beside me with his face full of love.

What was wrong with me? Why was I still here? Duke didn’t deserve to suffer with me.

“Duke, I can’t do this. I’m scared…” I whispered, hugging my arms tight to my chest.

He knew what I meant, I could see it in the way he looked at me, and I swore that I could almost see light pink tears lining his eyes.

“Why?” I shook my head, refusing to answer his simple question. “Why are you scared, why can’t you do this?” he pressed, taking a step towards me.

I looked away, biting the inside of my cheeks. What was I supposed to tell him? The truth? Tell him that without Dracul I will never feel anything again? That I blocked out my memories so that I wouldn’t have to relive Dracul’s death? Is that what he wanted to hear? That I was so in love with someone else, so in love with Dracul, that when he died I fell into a bottomless pit that I won’t ever pull myself out of? Was I supposed to spill my soul to him, break his heart and shatter it into unrecoverable pieces? He gave up so much for me, he lost so much for me, and what have I done for him? What have I done to him? What have I done?

I shook my head again, wiping away the tears that began to fall. “I’m sorry Duke,” I whispered, and turned away from him. “I’m so sorry.”

“Tammy I won’t let you give up on me, I won’t let you leave me. Do you hear me? I love you Tammy, I love you so much. Please, just listen to me. I know what you’re going through. I know that you’re hurting. But-if you just let me help you-”

I cut him off, shaking off the hand that he grabbed my arm with. “No Duke. You can’t help me. Don’t you see what’s right in front of you? I am a monster, doomed to wreck everything-everyone-in my path. I’m no good for you Duke, I’m no good for anyone. I love you Duke, I do love you, but I’m not going to hurt you. I won’t do it.”

Duke grabbed my arm again, a single pink tear falling down his beautifully sculpted face. I wanted to wipe it away so badly, but I couldn’t do it. I had to leave before I hurt Duke too. “Then don’t leave me. Tammy, if you leave me, you won’t just be hurting me. You’ll be tearing my heart to shreds. Please don’t leave me,” he pleaded, and I pulled my arm back once again.

“You have Kallisto, you have a life that you can start over with. I can’t be a part of it; I wasn’t made to be your Queen. I’m sorry Duke, but I can’t do this. I can’t do this!” I shouted, and walked away.

I could feel Duke wanting to run after me, my soul still tied to his and hearing it call out to me. Feeling the amount of restraint he had to force onto himself, to keep from pulling me back into his arms. I couldn’t let him see that I wanted that. I couldn’t let him see that I wanted him to give me a reason to stay. I had to leave; I had to end this cycle of hurt, this cycle of pain that seemed never-ending. I had to stay strong for myself, for Duke, for Dracul. “I’m sorry Duke,” I
whispered, knowing he would hear me as I exited the palace doors. “I’m so sorry.”

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