Desolate (11 page)

I turned away from facing Clyde and walked back over to the table without saying a word, embarrassment flooding me with each step. The music faded shortly after Clyde appeared out of nowhere and Weston followed me over to the table, his lips hidden within his mouth as he held in a laugh.

“Oh, don’t get all shy on me now, girl. I haven’t seen or heard you really laugh since you’ve been here. It’s a joyous sound and an even better vision. It warms this old man’s heart to see you able to enjoy moments in life again,” Clyde said as he walked into the house, shutting the door behind him and walking over to where the coffee pot was on the counter.

I sipped on the coffee before me and watched Clyde ready his and Weston’s thermos’ for the day, the whole time thinking about how crazy I’d acted moments ago. While it felt good to laugh again, I felt guilty for enjoying life when they couldn’t. And the second I thought about the guilt, I realized that I may need more help than I could get from myself. That I’d need guidance for how to overcome the feelings and emotions that came along with doing something I knew Andrew and Liam never would again. It was funny how just one simple dance could put things into perspective. How laughing when all you wanted to do was cry was good for the soul. Maybe, just maybe Weston was on to something. Now I just had to realize what baby steps I could take next.

“Have a good day, Magdalena. I had fun this morning,” Weston said as he walked toward the door and slipped his boots onto his feet.

“Thank you for this morning. The coffee and breakfast were much appreciated. But the dance was what I needed to open up my eyes a little. So thank you again.”

“Anytime, sweetheart. Anytime.”

And with that Clyde and Weston went out for the day to make the rest of the repairs on the fence, leaving me here to contemplate how I could and would gradually start living again.

H
ow sad is
it that I could honestly say I’d forgotten what it felt like to laugh? To have fun? That was the reality of my situation. I’d convinced myself that my fear was relevant. That I deserved to live a desolate life, just merely existing in this crazy world. However, Weston gave me a glimpse of what I could have if I just let go of the fear piece by piece. And that mere glimpse rekindled some of the hope I used to have. Even before I’d moved here, that fear constantly nagged in the back of my mind, waiting to rear its ugly head and make me panic. Now the fear and guilt had made me only exist in this life.

Those were the questions that racked my brain the entire time I washed each dish and were still on my mind when I’d dried the last one. I could exist. That much I knew. But what I couldn’t fathom was moving past the hole in my heart and opening myself up to possibly experiencing it all over again. I’d lost so much and until now I was happy with my life. With the day to day mundane routine that I’d set up for myself. And in one instance, he’d had me wondering if I could start to do the simple things that bought me such joy again. Something as simple as listening to a song made my heart lighter this morning. Maybe he was right. Maybe the simple and small steps would lead to bigger and better things coming my way if I could just open up to the possibilities. My mind understood the complexity of it all, but my heart hurt just thinking about moving on. Moving past the grief and hurt that were constantly plaguing me of losing Andrew and Liam. I hid it well, never breaking down or even shedding the tears that had built up so many times, but I didn’t know if I could continue to hold them in. They were a damn just waiting to break free, and I knew that stopping them wouldn’t likely occur.

I decided what I’d do as I sat the last dried cup back in its place. Turning on the radio wouldn’t be so bad. It may even help ease the thoughts that would creep into my head with the simplest of tasks. I didn’t have much more to tackle and this place would be completely revamped.

I threw the damp dish towel onto the table, held my head high, and walked in the direction of my room. The more steps I took, the freer my heart felt. I reached my bedroom, I walked inside and pulled off my robe and pj’s to get ready for the day.

Instead of pulling out a simple t-shirt, I decided I’d throw on a dressier baby doll style top that had a funky design on it and opted for jeans instead of yoga pants. After I was happy with the way that I looked, I threw my hair up in a messy bun, intent on having the best day possible.

I walked into the spare room off to the right where I remembered seeing a small boom box in the closet and rummaged through until I found it. I hoped that it worked because it definitely had some age to it.

With a pep in my step, I walked up the stairs to the room that needed minimal work to finish. The space should be all set to paint after today and then I could put the furniture back in place and move on to the next.

I found an outlet in one of the corners of the room and plugged in the radio. I pushed the dial back to turn on the radio and was shocked to get a sound out of the speakers. Granted it wasn’t music, but it was a start. I moved the other dial in the direction of the station I intended on finding and after I tinkered with it for a few minutes, a voice came out of the speakers and announced the next song.

“Alright guys. You asked for it, and who are we to disappoint. Here’s Carrie Underwood’s
Smoke Break,
” the guy announced. A song that I hadn’t heard before.

The upbeat sound had me humming along about mid-way through the song and bobbing my head along with the music. Weston appeared to be right. But I would hold that in until I made sure. This plan could backfire at any moment, but I had high hopes that it wouldn’t.

The more songs that played the lighter I felt. Some I’d heard years prior and others I had to take a step back and listen to. Who knew that taking a six month hiatus from listening to the radio could cause you to miss out on so much? Certainly not me. I hadn’t really thought about it. I’d began to open the boxes that I’d stacked in the corner and went through them with ease and care just like all the rest. I’d found some treasures in the other rooms that went along with the look I’d set out for each room, and I couldn’t wait to dig into the last few so I could be done with it all. But these last few boxes appeared to only have pictures and newspaper clippings. Things that I could go through after the decorating would be complete.

Once the final box had been plundered through, I sat the boxes that I still needed to sort onto the empty closet floor and looked around the room.

There was a queen size bed, two nightstands, and a dresser left in the room. Compared to what it looked like in the beginning, it was a complete makeover already. When I’d first started, there were boxes and containers covering every inch of the space.

Taking one last look around the room, I brushed off my hands and the seat of my pants and decided that I’d be done for the day. I’d been at it for a few hours at least, and I needed to go and feed Shadow. I might just take her on a ride sooner in the day. You know, mix it up a little. I’d become a little too OCD when it came to my schedule as of late, and I needed to just have that little mix up in the day. Much like this morning when Weston turned my world on its axis.

I bounded down the stairs and looked up at the clock, shocked that it was already one in the afternoon. My stomach growled instantly when it realized the time, and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to wait until after I fed the horse. I typically got lost in thought when I went to the barn, and my body would need the sustenance if today wasn’t any different than any days prior.

I walked over to the fridge and pulled out the lunch meat, lettuce, tomato, cheese, and mayo, carefully holding it all within my grasp as I walked very slowly over to the counter. I held my arms over of the countertop and gently sat it all down, pulling the bread out of its holder.

Once the sandwich was made, I put away everything and grabbed a paper towel to wrap it in. I didn’t want to waste any more time getting to Shadow than was necessary, so I decided I’d eat as I walked over to the barn.

I slid my feet into my boots, put on my coat, and walked out the door, taking a bite of the sandwich once it was closed behind me. My stomach thanked me as I chewed the first bite. I hadn’t realized just how hungry I was until I began to eat the turkey and cheese deliciousness.

I was midway to the barn when I noticed an SUV slowly making its way up the drive. Clyde must not have shut it this morning or this person knew the code to get in.

Standing there, I continued to eat my sandwich as I tried to figure out who in the world would be coming all the way out here to visit me.

When the vehicle made its final turn into the driveway, I finally figured out who it was.

Max.

The one person I wished wouldn’t have shown up here today. Just when I’d decided I would try to live again, my past decided to show up unannounced and for only God knew what. I’d avoided any calls or texts from any of his family since I made them aware of my safe arrival. There really wasn’t any need to stay in touch.

I took the last bite of my sandwich as he parked the SUV and got out. I wiped my mouth on the paper towel and started to walk toward him. Better to get this over with so he could be back on his merry little way.

“Hey there, Magdalena,” he shouted as he rounded the vehicle.

“Max. What a surprise,” I replied, hoping to sound happy but not really feeling it.

“Well, it wouldn’t be a surprise if you knew how to pick up the phone.”

‘I did it on purpose,’
I thought to myself as I smiled back at him.

“The reception out here is sketchy. I rarely get any calls.” Oh I’d gotten each and every one, but it got to the point that I couldn’t even open his text messages. I didn’t need what they were offering. I wanted to be treated normally, not with kid gloves.

Within seconds, we’d met in the middle and he pulled me in for a hug, one that I faintly returned.

“What brings you all the way out here?” I asked as I pulled away from his hold.

“You really don’t get messages do you?”

“Not really,” I reiterated, trying not to sound annoyed.

He shook his head for a moment and moved his gaze down to the ground, his hand coming up to run his fingers through his hair. Apparently whatever he had to say wouldn’t be easy for him to reveal and most likely I wouldn’t want to hear it.

“What is it, Max?” I asked, hoping to get this impromptu visit over with.

“He made a deal,” Max whispered, his gaze never leaving the ground.

“What are you talking about? Who made a deal?” I tried to rack my brain but came up empty handed as to what he could be talking about.

“The man who shot them. He made a deal,” Max revealed as he shook his head, the disgust pouring off of him through his tone.

I couldn’t contain the gasp that escaped my throat. I feared what would be revealed next. No amount of time would be enough for what that man took from me. Even if he got a hundred years, what I lost was priceless and no amount of time would do that loss justice.

“What was the deal?” I asked through gritted teeth, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to fall.

“Five years…”

“What?” I screamed, cutting him off.

Five fucking years. That was all my family was worth. There was no way that was even remotely fair.

“He pled out for five years for each death. That’s fifteen years, Magdalena,” Max finished saying as he walked back toward me. Only I continued to take a step back from him. Hoping the whole time, he’d take the hint and leave.

The man that took away everything would only serve ten years for taking away my world. Ten fucking years.

“And the prosecutor agreed to this madness?” I asked after I stopped walking backward toward the barn. That was the last question that I wanted answered and then I wanted him gone. I didn’t want to breakdown in front of anyone. I wanted to be alone. By myself to grieve yet another piece of tragic news.

“The defense attorney came to him with the offer, apparently, and after a couple of days, the prosecutor accepted. I don’t know all of the details as to why, but at least he’s serving something. There was always a chance when he went to trial that he’d get off. Now he’ll do hard time. And he can’t get out on parole, so he’ll serve the whole fifteen years for killing Andrew, Liam, and the clerk.” I didn’t want to listen anymore. I just wanted it all to stop. Every ounce of emotion to go away. Just when I thought I could start living again, I get hammered with this news. News that brought the memories and pain of losing them all back full force.

I bent over trying to catch my breath, my heart started to pound harder by the second. The memories of the pain barreled through me like the waves crashing onto the shore, and I almost couldn’t stand upright anymore. Just like the day I put them in the ground, I wanted to crawl inside a hole and join them.

“Magdalena? Are you alright?”

Only I couldn’t answer. I could only focus on getting enough air into my lungs before I passed out.

“Leave,” I managed to choke out as my breaths became even more labored.

“What?” he asked as he knelt down next to me and put his hand on my back.

“I need you to leave,” I choked out, the tears and emotions trying their damnedest to break free.

“I’m so sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I knew it would have to be me that told you. You know where to find me if you need me. And please call. We’re all worried about you,” Max whispered as he stood. He patted my back one last time before he turned on his heel and walked away.

Moments later, he started the vehicle and returned down the driveway just the way he came.

Part of me felt bad for being so harsh, but I didn’t want him to see me breakdown. He’d seen that enough, and I didn’t want that to happen yet again. I wanted to grieve my own way, on my own terms, and by myself. Just like I’d done before and like I’d continue doing. It was the way I was meant to live my life.

Alone.