Destiny Ever-Changing (12 page)

Will comes around the corner of the house. "There you are! Is she gone?"

"Is who gone?"

"You know I'm talking about Laura. Quit playing stupid."

I smile as I walk back toward the deck, and he joins me. "She just left."

His mouth turns up at the corners. "You're sleeping with her, aren't you?"

"No! I just met her yesterday, and you may have heard that I'm engaged! Where would you get that idea?"

"I saw the way you two were looking at each other, so I just assumed. I've known you for a long time, and I've never seen you look at a woman that way. If you're honestly not sleeping with her, then what
is
going on?"

I recline on my favorite lounge chair, and Will sits across from me on the deck railing. I feel somewhat like a psychiatric patient as I tell him all the details of the last two days—from the moment I first met her, up to our "friend" talk this afternoon. I decide to tell him even how I feel an unexplained bond with her. He knows that my marriage with Jacqueline is being forced, so it's not likely that he'll criticize me for being attracted to another woman.

"Will, all I know is, I can't let myself get any closer to her, but I can't let her get any further away either. Does that make sense? I know that nothing can ever happen between us, so I have determined that the best thing to do is to be her friend."

Will sits at the foot of my lounge chair. "Hey, no one can blame you for feeling this way. Not with everything that you've been thrown into lately. I think it's only natural for your subconscious to resist your imminent marriage, so maybe that's all this is. Maybe, you don't have any genuine feelings for her at all."

"You know, I didn't even think of it that way. It would explain an awful lot. Why else would I be so strongly attracted to someone I don't even know? That has to be what is going on. Wow, I knew you were my best friend for some reason."

"So, what are you going to do now that I have enlightened you?" Will puffs out his chest.

"I'll tell you exactly what I'm going to do," I announce as I sit up. "I'm going to set you up with Laura."

He looks confused. "Excuse me?"

"Come on, man. She's gorgeous and single, and you are . . . single."

Will laughs deeply. "I was waiting for you to tell me that I'm gorgeous!"

"Seriously, isn't that something a friend would do? And, I saw the way you looked at her when we pulled into the drive this afternoon."

"She's crazy about
you
," he says. "Why would she agree to go out with me?"

"It's not like I'm setting you up on a date. We'll have a cookout, and I'll invite her. You can get to know her and let it go from there."

His smile fades, and he looks at me seriously. "Are you sure that,
if
anything happens between me and Laura, you won't be jealous or upset? I wouldn't want to ruin a twenty-year friendship over a woman."

"Are you kidding?" I ask, teasingly shoving him. "It will make me happy if you're happy."

He shoves me back. "If you say so. I won't lie, though. She's smoking hot."

"I haven't noticed," I say, jokingly shrugging my shoulders as Will snickers. "How about we have a cookout when my sister gets here? I can invite Laura over then."

"I like it," he nods. "Now, where are those steaks we're going to grill? I'm starving."

We spend the rest of the evening without even a subtle mention of Laura
or
Jacqueline. We grill our steaks, toss a football around down on the beach, go for a swim, and play pool for a couple hours. It's nice to hang out with Will to get my mind off of the problems that have been plaguing me.

Even though we haven't mentioned her, the mere absence of Laura afflicts me more than anything else; I can't wait to see her again. I thought I had everything figured out, but it seems that I am only fooling myself. Setting her up with him could possibly make my feelings for her subside—or make them worse.

Chapter Nine — Following in Her Footsteps

Laura:

Looking into my rearview mirror, I see Brooks standing in the driveway and watching me leave. The last hour has certainly been an interesting one. It seems like nearly everything I thought I knew about him has changed. He obviously has money and is
not
a gardener. He is also very charming and exceedingly attractive, but also engaged.

I admit that I am enormously disappointed after hearing his admissions, but I am also relieved, in a way. I know that I don't need to complicate my life any further right now. I'm not here to find another man to get into a doomed relationship with; I'm here to find myself.

On the other hand, I can't help but feeling let down. He is exceptionally kind, and he seems genuine and good-hearted—when he's not being grouchy and despondent. I hardly know anything about him, but I can't explain why I felt immediately drawn to him when we met. I have never felt anything like that with any man I have ever dated. It has always taken me a while to make that connection, and with most of the men I have gone out with, I never felt that way. 

I now know that we can only be friends, and I can live with that. As long as his fiancée isn't around, I would love to get to know him better and, maybe, be able to confide in him. He did mention that he might tell me more about his relationship with his fiancée and why it makes him the way he is.

I don't understand how someone like him could be engaged to someone like her. They don't seem to be alike in any way, nor do they act as if they are even fond of each other. There's something very strange going on there. I can tell, though, that she doesn't like me around. The way she glared at me through the front door sent icy chills down my spine; however, she doesn't scare me. I have never been the type to let someone intimidate me—she won't be the first.

One detail of our talk is disturbing me to the core of my shattered soul. A simple hug between friends shouldn't feel the way that ours did. Maybe, I was in desperate need of a hug. I have been through a lot the last few days—I'm a total basket case. Nana has hugged me a lot, but this was different. This didn't feel like a friendly hug; this was a tender embrace that radiated warmth deep into my body. Every nerve was alive and tingling. It felt as if there was an unseen energy enveloping the both of us, moving through us and binding us together. That feeling truly moved me and made me feel whole, if only for a brief moment. The mere remembrance of it is making me tremble, and I feel a lump rising in my throat.

I need air . . . now. I roll down all of my car windows, creating a violent windstorm in my car. My hair whips around wildly, and the breeze invisibly stroking my skin gives me the slightest chill. I take in several deep breaths to calm my nerves before I pull into the drive at Nana's house.

"Well, do I get the explanation now?" Nana asks as I walk through the front door.

"Truthfully, there's not much to explain. The guy that I was telling you about is, of course, the one who returned my necklace. He followed me home last night to be sure that I made it home safely. That's how he knows where I live. He found my locket when he got back. Actually, it was broken, so he had it repaired before returning it."

Nana radiates a knowing grin. "My goodness! He sounds like quite a gentleman. He really must like—"

"No, Nana," I interrupt. "He's engaged. He told me when I went over there."

"Oh, Laura. You look disappointed. You like him, don't you?"

"Goodness, no!" I lie. "How could I possibly like someone I barely know? He was just being considerate. In fact, we plan on staying in touch and being friends. I don't need any complications in my life right now. You know that."

Nana seems to see right through me. "If you say so, honey. I'll just take your word for it. Are you ready for some dinner? It's getting late."

"I'm not hungry at all, actually. I'm utterly exhausted. I think I'll go to my room, read a book for a while, and turn in a bit early. Goodnight, Nana."

"Ok, then," she says understandingly. "Goodnight."

Once I make it back up to my room, I take off my mom's locket and place it on the nightstand. After throwing a change of clothes and a towel on my bathroom vanity, I step into the shower, turn the water as hot as I can stand it, and I quickly wash my hair and lather my body. Then, I just let the searing hot water rain down on my neck and back, and I breathe in the steamy air as deeply as I can.

The day's events keep replaying over and over in my head, and I almost feel as if I'm trying to wash it all away. I'm having trouble discerning what is bothering me so much and what it is about him that makes me so enthralled with him. I thought that I had decided that our friendship would be the best thing for both of us, so why do I feel disappointed? I lied to Nana about it, but if I told her the truth, I'm not quite sure how I would've explained it.

It suddenly occurs to me that my shower has turned completely cold, making it obvious that I have been lost in my thoughts for a while. I get dressed and run a comb through my tangled hair. Walking over to the balcony doors and peering out toward the ocean, I almost expect—or hope—to see Brooks standing out there, but I see nothing. I open both of the french doors to let in the brackish air, and I take a seat on the couch near the doors and enjoy the sounds of the ocean. After a few minutes of serenity, I reach over to the bookshelf to grab a book to read, but the first book my hand makes contact with is my mother's journal.

I place it in my lap and rub my hand across its cover, and I close my eyes to visualize my mom doing the same. With my eyes remaining closed, I try to imagine what kind of person she was back then. I think of the picture that's inside the front cover and try to envision that beautiful, young woman holding this journal and pouring her heart into it. Remembering the picture also brings to mind that she was probably pouring a lot of details of the two of them into it—details that I would love to know.

My eyes pop open, and I, once again, untie the ribbon and open the front cover, eager to uncover what happened with her first love. Just as before, the picture is still tucked right behind the cover. I examine the picture more closely than I did earlier, and I see something that helps to make sense of something that is in the box. Near the bottom of the fading picture, I can see my mom's foot partially buried in the sand. Tied around her ankle is a thin piece of rope, and it's the very same one that's in the box. I search the picture to discover meanings of the other items, but I find nothing.

On the very first page of the journal are my mother's name, address, and a little hand-drawn picture of two hearts that are just slightly crossing over each other. One heart contains the initial "R," and the other has a "J." I can guess that the "R" is for Regina, but "J' is still unknown. I struggle for a moment, not wanting to turn the page. I still have this feeling of being invasive, but I know I'll go crazy if I don't find out who the mystery "J" is now.

Quickly, I flip the page to find the very first entry.

April 24,
1978

Happy birthday to me. I ask for a new record player, and my mom gives me a journal. I swear I will never understand that woman. I turned seventeen
years old today, and it wasn't anything special at all. I broke things off with my boyfriend, Paul, last week, and my friend, Janie, is out of town with her family. Therefore, I spent nearly the whole day up in my room and read an entire book. I only came down for dinner, and that's when my mom brought out a cake. She and my dad sang to me, I blew out the candles, she gave me this stupid journal, and I went back up to my room . . . what a party. My dad was going on and on about how they are short on money right now, so they couldn't do much for my birthday this year. A journal? I still can't believe it. I may as well put it to some use, I guess.

Note to self: Don't ever break up with your boyfriend a week before your birthday. At least wait until the week after.

Regina

I close the journal and smile. I never expected my mom to sound so much like myself . . . cynical and hopeless. Maybe we have more in common than I ever imagined. Judging by the date, this was before her magical transformation that Nana talked about. I still have trouble believing that being in love can make that big of a difference in someone's life. I have certainly never experienced that sort of breakthrough, but then again, Nana says that she doesn't think I've ever been truly in love. I can't say that I totally disagree.

My first inclination is to continue reading, but it's getting late. I want to take the time to get to know my mom through the journal, so I decide to pace myself. There aren't many entries, so I'll read one per day, and I'm really going to put some thought into everything she wrote. Nana seems to think she had some sort of life-altering occurrence, and there could be some truth to it. It could very possibly help me understand what made her so content. At any rate, I'll still be able to learn a lot about who my mom was and why.

After closing the journal, I tie the ribbon in a neat bow, and I lay it gently in its place on the bookshelf. I walk over to the double doors to close them, but I pause for a moment to enjoy the view. The moon is shining brightly in the sky with the stars scattered indiscriminately around it. The giant, ocean waves appear to be carrying little pieces of moonbeams as they advance toward the shore, and I almost expect to see them collecting in sparkling piles on the shore. I close the doors and curtains and crawl into my bed. I tuck the blankets tightly around myself—something I've always done—until I make myself a cozy cocoon, and I almost immediately drift off to sleep.

My subconscious gives way to a succession of dreams that are coming and going as quickly as the frames on a film reel. They are merely brief flashes of memories from my childhood through my adulthood. The first dream starts out with my mom and me holding hands as she walks me to school and then quickly changes to the two of us baking a birthday cake for my dad. Next, I find myself at my parents' funeral, and I remember very little about that day except for how uncomfortable I was in the black dress that my aunt bought for me. The next several snippets are of me living with my aunt and uncle, including the time that I snuck out to meet Fawn in the middle of the night and got caught. I dream about a few of the guys I dated through college, and I even dream of the day I met Alex.