Determination (26 page)

165

Thirteen

“MY DOCTOR wants to try a new prescription,” I mentioned as I followed my dad out of the doctor’s office and back to his waiting car.

After sitting in the sun for only an hour, the interior felt warm and stagnant when I climbed into the passenger seat.

“Okay, let’s pick it up at the pharmacy, get some dinner, go home, and maybe talk for a while?” my father asked, and the forced casualness in his voice made me nervous. I glanced over, but his expression was neutral.

“Did I do something wrong?” I asked, almost overwhelmed by the instinct to protect myself. Of course, I knew what happened when someone got mad. Even though my dad had never hit me, even as a kid, I couldn’t stop myself from inching closer to the door.

“No, Jamie, of course not,” he said quickly. As he pulled up to a stoplight, he looked at me, and I could see the concern in his eyes. “I just wondered if maybe we could talk a little about what happened after you disappeared. You need to talk about it to get past it, and I hope that you can talk to me.”

My breath caught in my throat, choking me at the thought of relating all the horrors of the past two years to him. I couldn’t escape the fear that maybe he’d throw me out. At the very least, I didn’t want to see any more disappointment than I already did. He didn’t really understand what life was like for me right then.

“Do you remember when we used to go fishing and canoeing on the river?” I asked him as the light turned green again. He frowned for just a second before moving into the intersection.

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“Sure I do,” he said quietly. “After you disappeared, I wished every day that we’d had more of those days together.”

“The way I feel right now, it’s like that time I fell out of the canoe into the river. Do you remember?” I asked and waited for him to nod.

“I can’t get my footing. I can barely breathe. Just like back then, you reached down and saved me. I’m still trying to right myself, and I’m so scared that I won’t be able to.” I finished in a whisper, voicing my deepest fear to him for the first time. The knot in my chest loosened just a bit at the admission, but still I was startled when he pulled over to the side of the road and turned in his seat to face me. The fear kicked up another notch as he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Cars flew past us on the busy street, but my father looked only at me.

“Son, you are one of the bravest people I’ve ever known. You fought for your relationship with Brian even though you were surrounded by hateful bigots, including your own mother. The way you stood up to her that day at church… I wish I’d have been that brave when she wanted to send you away. If I’d stood up to her like that, none of it would have happened. You agreed to be sent away from your family to be fixed when there was nothing wrong with you in order to save someone that you loved. Then you walked out with your own two feet and went through stuff in your life that I can’t even imagine, and you survived. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know you think I’m ashamed of you because of the drugs, but I’m not—not even close. I’m so proud of you for working to beat your addiction. I know that it’s not going to be easy, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to help you except be here for you and take care of you the way that I should have been taking care of you for the last two years. I promise, going forward, I’ll do a better job.”

“I don’t feel very brave,” I said quietly. There was so much I could have told him, so much I was still afraid of, but I didn’t have the words. He put his hand on my shoulder, and we sat without speaking for several minutes. It seemed the small speech had exhausted my father’s reserve of inspiration. Turning back to the steering wheel, he hesitated for just a moment before pulling back onto the road. My thoughts raced long after we pulled into our own driveway.

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“ARE you sure you’re going to be okay here by yourself?” my father asked, hesitating in my bedroom doorway as I worked on the journal entry Dr. Fisher wanted me to do for Monday. When she’d first suggested we meet Monday through Thursday, I’d hesitated. It seemed to me that a full week would be a better solution, but the thought of spending Friday alone, without anyone hovering, appealed as nothing else had in recent memory.

“Dad, I’ll be fine. I’ve been sleeping better, and the new meds are helping. Even if I do have a seizure, I know what to do.” The plea in my voice must have helped convince him because he sighed and ran a hand through what was left of his thinning brown hair.

“I’ll call and check in with you later.” He grinned as I rolled my eyes at him. “Oh yeah, and the guys are coming today to mow the lawn and stuff. They shouldn’t bother you, but I didn’t want you to be surprised when they show up.”

“To make you feel better, I’ll have a sandwich or something, and I won’t cook. Okay?” I asked with a slight smile. He relaxed and nodded before disappearing down the hall back into his bedroom. After a few minutes, I heard his footsteps on the stairs. It seemed he couldn’t think of any reason to stall longer because the front door opened and closed, and I found myself alone… and finally, I exhaled.

I finished the paragraph I’d been writing in the journal and then flipped over to my e-mail to see that I had just one, from Alex.

Pizza and a movie sounds awesome. We haven’t done that in
forever! Mike will be in SF this weekend, so can we make it a
sleepover? I’ll bring my superhero jammies. We can get those weird
chips that you like, lots of caffeine, and just talk.

Miss u like crazy!!

My laughter broke the eerie silence in the room. Apparently, lime-flavored tortilla chips constituted something weird. I logged in to the online grocery service I’d started using to help my dad out. Grocery shopping was one of the few things I could do to help out around the house. Two grown men who were hardly ever home didn’t make much of a mess, so there wasn’t a lot to clean. Because my seizures were still 168

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uncontrolled, my dad didn’t really want me to cook, so I’d just been assisting him in the kitchen. Adding chips, candy, and soda to the order, I scheduled the delivery and felt a little bit more in control of my life. At least I didn’t need to ask my dad to take me to store just so I could feed my friend.

After that, I fired off e-mails to my dad and Alex confirming plans for the weekend. I knew my dad wouldn’t have a problem. He’d been on me for the last two weeks to get together with my friends.

What he didn’t really understand was that the one person I wanted to see didn’t want to see me. Brian hadn’t made any contact with me in the three weeks I’d been staying with my dad. Whenever I asked Alex about him, he just stalled and said Brian was working some things out.

I lay back on my bed and stared at the ceiling, imagining Brian’s face.

The sound of a motor kicking to life startled me awake. My eyes opened against the late-morning sunlight streaming in through the east-facing windows, and I blinked rapidly. The roar of the mower sounded close, so I went to my bedroom window to see where it came from.

Three guys, naked from the waist up, worked in our backyard—

mowing, trimming, and whatever else landscapers did. The guy mowing the lawn, clearly Hispanic, had a lean, muscular chest and a bandana holding back long black curls. My body tingled just a bit, hopeful at the sight of such a beautiful guy in such close proximity. A second guy crossed my line of vision as he trimmed the hedges around the garage. Ebony skin glistened in the sun’s rays as they played across the perfectly defined shoulders and abs. A T-shirt, navy blue or maybe black, hung from the back of his jeans and looked dangerously close to falling when he squatted down to pick up a few small branches.

The third guy really got my attention as he knelt in the uninspired flowerbed along the back of the yard. I took a few steps closer to the window so that I could get a better look, my libido more interested by the second. By the time I could feel a chill from the glass, I was semi hard. Short brown hair stuck up at odd angles, like he’d been running his hands through it, wiping sweat from his face as he worked. I couldn’t see his face, but if the body was any indication, the guy would be gorgeous. A sliver of guilt slid into my stomach because I got hard Determination

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for some random guy in the backyard, but it wasn’t like I’d go out there and stand among the begonias and drop my jeans so he could suck me where he knelt. Though my body strained at the crotch of my jeans, obviously very interested in that idea.

More from animal instinct than actual thought, my right hand strayed to my groin and rubbed lightly as I watched him transfer the last of the wilted plants into a lawn bag resting carelessly against his right knee. I rubbed harder as the guy stood and stretched. My mouth actually watered at the sight of his long, lean muscles flexing and glistening in the soft light. Conflicting emotions swamped me as I thought about going outside to talk to him. My heart had ached for weeks without Brian, but a flurry of excitement caused my pulse to race. It was the only stirring I had felt since he walked out of my life.

When I considered opening my jeans to stroke myself in earnest, a horrible thought struck me. If it was in my hand when I started to seize, would my muscles tense around it, squeezing with brutal force?

Almost as bad, I imagined the look on my dad’s face if he walked in and I was midseizure with my pants around my knees, jacking off. I couldn’t even think about his horror if I were using some kind of toy.

My hand moved away from my softening crotch just as the gorgeous guy turned and I caught a glimpse of his face. I couldn’t stop the word that flew out of my mouth and reverberated against the window.

Damn.

Mike glanced up from where he stood in the dying flowers and smiled when our eyes met. I was honestly glad to see him. Mike felt like a link to Brian, and I needed one so badly right then. Even though we were in the same city, he seemed so goddamned far away he might as well have been on the moon.

I watched Mike for another minute as he worked, then decided to just go downstairs and talk to him.

I unplugged the power from my laptop, closed it, and carried it downstairs. The floor-to-ceiling windows in the family room stood open, overlooking the expanse of grass behind the house. I sank deep into the plush leather couch and propped my feet on the coffee table.

The laptop lay almost forgotten on the couch next to me as I looked out the back door. I raised one hand in greeting as Mike grabbed an old T-170

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shirt from inside a cooler sitting on the patio table. With an almost reluctant excitement, I set the computer aside and stood up. Mike wasn’t exactly my favorite person, but he was a link to Brian. When he reached the door, I opened it and stepped out onto the concrete patio next to a grill that looked like it had never been used. In fact, most of the furniture strewn around the small space looked neglected. It surprised me because when our family had lived in Alabama, we had spent a lot of time outside on our deck. Apparently, Dad didn’t have much use for his new outdoor retreat.

“Hey, kid, how are you?” Mike asked, still bare-chested, and wiped sweat from his forehead with the T-shirt. I noticed, probably for the first time, that his smile was warm and genuine. So often when he looked at me, he sneered rather than smiled, and I noticed the difference immediately. The concern in his eyes, even more than the smile, touched me, and I took another step forward to hug him.

“I’m… okay,” I admitted with a half shrug. The police investigation still hung over my head, and though it was difficult, rehab wasn’t the worst thing in the world. My life could have been so much worse if my father hadn’t shown up at the hospital. The gaping hole in my chest where Brian had been before he walked out of my life still felt ragged around the edges, but I held some hope that one day, when I straightened myself out, we could start over.

“Good. I’ve been wanting to call, but since your dad hired us last week, I figured I’d see you today,” he explained, and I silently thanked God yet again for my father. I didn’t know if he’d hired them because he really needed someone to mow the lawn, though I’d have done it, or if he did it to give me comfort. Either way, I found I was happier to see Mike than I ever thought possible.

“How… how is he?” I asked tentatively, and I could tell by the way his face fell that he knew I’d meant Brian. I tried to make it sound casual, but the sadness in my voice betrayed my pain. He sighed and ran a hand through his short hair, ruffling it further.

“He’s hurting.” Mike’s eyes showed his own sadness for Brian’s pain. “Where you and Brian grew up, you were kind of sheltered from some of the realities of life. Yes, there were bigotry and hatred—they Determination

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crop up everywhere—but you had never met an addict before you got to San Diego, had you?”

“No. I don’t think I’d ever seen drugs before I got here.”

“Brian doesn’t understand addiction. He doesn’t know what it’s like to want drugs more than you want your own life. I’ve seen it, Leo’s experienced it, and we’re talking to him, but it’s going to take Brian a while to deal with it. I don’t think it’s so much the act itself, but more that you felt like you couldn’t trust him to talk to him about it, but that’s a guess. He doesn’t talk to me about it—he doesn’t talk to anyone much,” Mike finished quietly.

“I don’t know what to do,” I confessed with frustration. “I’ve tried calling, texting, e-mailing, and friending him, but he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me.” The intensity of the pain that sentence caused took my breath away. Brian had fought for so long to find a way for us to be together, and now that we could, he gave up.

“You just need to give him time, I think. He’s been in love with you for most of his life, though he may not have realized it until you guys were old enough to know what it meant. We’ll keep trying to talk to him about it, make him understand.” Mike stepped up and gave me a shy hug.