Devil's Despair Box Set: Books 1-3 (100 page)

Twisting the bottle in my hand, I take another drink and swallow hard. The sting the whiskey burns briefly before its warmth is able to soothe my nerves. Lying back on the couch after taking another drink, I mentally beg the alcohol to do its job and help me find a peaceful night’s sleep.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Sarah

“
GO ON. GET
out of here, Sarah. I’ll finish the rest of your orders.” Colbie, my friend and fellow waitress at the diner, has been forced to pick up my slack all week. “The guy at the corner table looks lonely, and since you’re sulking and too sad to notice he can’t stop looking at you the way he is, I’ll let him down easy.”

I turn to the man who asked me for my number while I waited on him earlier and smile before turning back to Colbie. “I don’t know if I should. No one’s talked to him and he won’t answer my calls.”

Colbie reaches out and places her hand gently on my shoulder. I feel my face get warm as I attempt to control my emotions. “You said you know where he may have gone, right? Go there, check it out, and if he’s not there so be it. At least you tried.”

I still refuse to casually talk to Travis’s “friends.” I’ve kept my distance and so far, Ace has accepted it. He hasn’t pushed, which is surprising. The first call I made with my new phone was to Travis . . . again . . . and again. He never answered and I never left a message.

“You’re sure you’re okay being alone here? I can stay.”

Smiling softly, Colbie says, “You’ve been scaring the customers all week, Sarah. I’ve got this.”

Lettie pipes in from behind her, adding her usual nonsense. “For the love of God, girlfriend, you’re scaring
me.
Go find that hot piece of ass. This is what you want and from what you said, it’s what he wanted. We’ve got this place. It’s dead in here anyway. Lunch rush is over.”

Removing my apron, I lay it on the counter of the diner bar and move in to hug Lettie, then Colbie. They’re both smiling, understanding what I’m about to do.

Rae said no one’s talked to Travis since he got home from the hospital—no one but Lacey. When I called her from work this morning she was quiet. She was surprised to hear from me since my wall of silence hadn’t come down since this started.

She didn’t want to tell me where she thought Travis had gone, only that he’d been “absent” for a few days and didn’t want to be found.

After getting nothing from her, I sent a text to Hayden, knowing if there was anyone in their traitorous group who would keep his mouth shut about me asking, it would be him. He didn’t confirm Trav’s whereabouts, but when I suggested Trav might be at his dad’s old house, Hayden didn’t deny it. And so I had my answer.

Pulling up to the old house, I feel uneasy. Travis’s unrepaired Jeep is in the driveway. The side of it is completely torn apart, paint scratched and door dented in completely. He hasn’t gotten it fixed. I park my car next to a black truck I’ve never seen.

The front door is wide open and tools are scattered along the porch and into the yard. The screen door has been removed and I have an unobstructed view inside.

Before walking up to the open front entrance, I take in a collective breath. I haven’t seen or heard from Travis since I left him at the hospital a week ago and didn’t come back as I had promised him I would.

“I’m back now,” I whisper to no one as I take a step in through the front door.

I hear music blaring and voices shouting from the kitchen, so I slowly walk up the small set of stairs leading to it. I don’t see Travis, but my eyes fall on another man. He’s young, appearing closer to my age than Trav’s. He’s tall, thin, and his skin is pale from the settling dust that flies throughout the room. His hair is covered in small white particles. His arms are crusted with white splotches of what appears to be paint.

I don’t know anything about home renovations, but as I take my eyes off the man in front of me, I look around quickly and assess; this place has been completely gutted.

The mess Travis caused during our visit has been removed and in its place are small power tools and building supplies. The back door has been taken out and sits against the wall next to where it once stood. The carpet’s been removed, and the walls are stained haphazardly with spackle. And it’s cold as hell in here.

I close my eyes at the small comfort of knowing he hasn’t been sitting home alone. Trav’s been keeping himself busy.

“Hi,” the tall man greets gently, laying down the sander he was holding. He removes his work glasses and places them on top of his head. “I’m Greg.”

“Sarah,” I return, still taking the place in.

“You here for Travis?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s down that way.” He points, and I follow the direction of his finger.

My eyes move to the mouth of the hall and I see Travis leaning the top half of his body against the wall near his dad’s room. His face is covered in the same dust as Greg’s, along with his clothes.

He’s wearing old, worn, brown work boots and a pair of black work pants. The tool belt hangs low from the weight of the many tools hanging on it. The sling I left him with at the hospital is gone. His posture is straight, signaling his ribs must’ve already started to heal.

He’s not saying anything as I stand still in front of him, arms at my sides, and my mouth slightly open in awe of his presence taking up the room. God, I’ve missed him.

“Give us a few minutes?” Trav asks Greg, but doesn’t look away from where I’m standing.

“Take your time,” Greg answers sweetly, then removes his own belt and lays it down on the counter in front of him. “I’ve got shit to do anyway. I’m in no hurry, man. Call me when you’re done here.”

“Thank you,” I whisper to Greg as he walks around me and makes his way to the door.

Travis doesn’t say anything after Greg walks out. His eyes scan my body, up and down, then they settle back on my face. My body’s reaction to him is the same as it’s been since the night of Bean’s funeral. And it’s the first time I’ve recognized it for what it is—warmth and safety in the presence of the person I’ve loved for so long.

And God and Bean above both know I do love him.

* * *

Travis

And here she is.

Sooner or later I knew Sarah would break free of the invisible chains Ace put her in and find her way here. And, God help me, I’ve missed her so fucking much.

When I heard her voice, talking to Greg in the kitchen, my body froze in place and it hasn’t been able to move since. I’ve denied the way my heart aches to grab her, bring her to me, and hold her tight, while appreciating the strength she’s so determined to keep.

All week I’ve spent my time here, rather than at my empty apartment. Walls being torn down have aided in physically wearing me out so I’m able sleep at night. Small hand tools have made enough noise that I’ve been able to drown out her sad voice in my head. I’ve kept my hands busy sorting through the shit here to avoid their pain in wanting to touch her.

I don’t know what to say, but after a few more seconds of silence she can’t take it anymore.

“Hi, Trav,” she starts quietly.

“Sarah.” My one-word greeting is small, reminding me to keep my composure in her proximity. I’ve got to end this. I promised myself I would.

I’m about to hurt her and it doesn’t matter how many times I’ve gone over this conversation in my head, it’s so much fucking harder face to face.

“I wasn’t sure you’d be here,” she tells me as quietly as she said hello.

“You were sure enough to drive all the fuckin’ way out here on your own, though,” I accuse, keeping the disinterested façade visible.

“Hayden.”

At the knowledge of Hayden’s help in her quest to get here, my eyes narrow in betrayal. I told
both
Lacey and Hayden not to share where I’ve been staying with anyone, including Raegan. Their decision to support Ace’s abrupt end to our relationship was evident when I didn’t hear from any of my friends after they left my hospital room.

The only one who’s been in semi contact with me is my sister, and even she’s kept herself at arm’s length. All of our friends have been put in the middle of the alleged mess Sarah and I have created.

They are in tough positions. Hayden and Lacey own the Ward. Ace manages the entertainment. Toby and Marlee have tried to stay neutral. It’s not hard to understand their position, but it’s tough to swallow.

Sarah continues, breaking into the angry thoughts that fuel my need to get her out of here for good. “He wouldn’t tell me where you were, but he didn’t deny you were here when I asked.”

“You shouldn’t have come,” I tell her, sternly.

“I wanted to see you.”

“Why?”

“Travis, please. We need to talk.”

Holding my arms together over my chest, I let out a laugh but it’s tainted with chastising sarcasm. “You want to talk,” I state. “That’s funny.”

An arrow to the chest would hurt her less than my reaction to her being here. I’m sure of it.

Sarah swallows hard, her eyes filling with unshed tears that will inevitably fall with the next blink. “Do you still love me?”

“Yes.” The truth of my answer is definite; her cheeks swell slightly as she exhales once hearing it.

As she walks toward me cautiously, I move my body from the wall and stand in front of her, both rigid and tense. I don’t want her hands on me. It’ll destroy my resolve.

It’s me who has to do this.

“You shouldn’t be here, squirt,” I say, calling her by the childhood nickname; the same name that should’ve always kept her unattainable to me.

Sarah doesn’t look at my face; she studies my worn, dirty t-shirt instead. “You’re dismissing me again.”

“No, Sarah. I’m not. I’m telling you that you shouldn’t be here.”

“You’re done with me,” she states with a broken voice.

My resolve weakens hearing the truth said out loud from her perspective. My voice is gentle, aiming to soothe her. “Never done, Sarah. I’ll always be here.”

“You’ll be here?” she starts with attitude. “I’m here now, Travis, and I don’t feel you anywhere!”

Her reaction to my words hits the walls of the hallway. The lack of furniture in the small space causes them to echo loudly.

“You were right,” I tell her, again with a calming clarity. “Ace was never going to let this happen.”

Her face hardens as she stares at mine. “Too fucking late,” she seethes. “Whatever he
wouldn’t
let happen doesn’t matter because it fucking well
did.
”

“Sarah,” I say, stretching my arm to her waist, but stopping just short of contact. I’m not ready to touch what was once mine but can’t ever be again.

She watches my movement and I hadn’t thought possible that she could look any more hurt than she did minutes before. I was wrong.

Pulling my hand the rest of the way back, it drops to my side.

“No, don’t ‘Sarah’ your way out of this,” she sneers. “You fucked me, remember? You made
promises
to me! You can’t take all that back because Ace is a fucking prick!”

“You were right, though. About Ace, about all of them. This wasn’t going to last and in some way I knew that, too. I’m sorry.”

“You’re
sorry?
” she hisses without restraint.

“I’m sorry,” I say again, not knowing what else to say.

“I trusted you.”

“I know.”

“I loved you.”

“I know.”

“I have nothing!” She spins in a small circle in front of me. “A week ago, Travis, I had fucking everything.”

“You thought you did. And you still can,” I return calmly, feeling as she does. A week ago we had everything in each other.

Her eyes narrow, causing the tears to finally fall. “I can have everything,” she says in a harsh whisper. “Just not with you.”

“Not with me,” I repeat, crossing my arms to hold them in close. They need to be restrained; I feel them aching to reach out to her.

Her sob escapes and she looks down. “I’ve never wanted anything, Travis. I’ve accepted being who I am and what the others think of me. I didn’t care as long as I had you. I was so fucking scared to lose you if we . . .” She stops, takes a breath, and continues. “If we got together and it didn’t work, I was so scared I’d lose you. And look, you’re gone.”

“I’m here.”

“No, you’re really not. You left me.”

God damn it.

Pushing forward, Sarah walks closer to me, so close I smell her as I did before. “I loved you, Travis.”

Finally, no longer resisting my body’s urges after hearing her love for me pushed to past tense, my hands break from the hold I had them in and grab her, pulling her body in to mine. Her arms wrap around my waist as she rests her forehead on my chest, looking down. I hold her by the shoulders; one hand clutching her to stay still, the other holding her neck and accepting the warmth of her skin.

“I wanted to believe you,” she mumbles. “Everything you said about us, I wanted to believe so badly that you were right and I was wrong.”

Kissing the back of her head as she continues looking down at the bare floor, I tell her, “It’ll get better. With time, you’ll be okay again.”

Lifting her face to mine, she replies, “I’d be crazy to ever believe any more of your words or promises.”

My hands move to her face and I do what I know I shouldn’t. My lips touch hers. I can taste the tears that’ve fallen down her cheeks—the traitorous tears I’ve caused. Knowing I need to keep her close proximity brief because I need to
really
let her go, I pull her face from mine and use my hands to move the hair fallen around her eyes.

“Go back and make your life the way you want it. It’s yours now.”

“I don’t want to, though. Not without you.”

“You haven’t lived without me in it, Sarah. You don’t know what you want. Not two fuckin’ years ago you were in love with Hayden.”

“You’re bringing that up to hurt me.”

“You wanted him, I remember.”

“You don’t believe your own words.”

“Live your life, Sarah,” I say, giving up a small amount of my façade. I need her to listen. “Your life so far has been living for Bean. You haven’t taken anything for yourself.”

“Don’t do this,” she whispers, with my hands still holding her face.