Devil's Despair Box Set: Books 1-3 (30 page)

Shame walks to the other side of the bed from where I’m sitting, pulls up a metal hospital chair and seats himself in it. Joseph remains seated at the small table near the window. Decklan starts walking toward him but stops when Shame calls for him.

“Decklan, c’mere, Son.”

Decklan looks to Joseph for guidance. This is a practiced move between them.

Joseph offers his advice. “I don’t think he’s gonna hurt you, Deck. I’m right here. It’s okay.”

Looking at me as he walks, Decklan makes his way to Shame and without warning the kid, typical Shame method, he scoops him off the floor and places him in his lap.

Shame points to Raegan as she lays still but alive. “You know her?”

“Yeah,” Decklan says, staring at Rae’s small body wrapped in sheets.

“Do you know who she is?”

I make the move to stop Shame, but once I open my mouth, Shame sends me a look that tells me this will get done with or without my cooperation. I choose to stay quiet. Shame’s been through so much in his life, if there’s anyone I would trust to go easy on a child it’s him.

“Yeah. She’s Raegan.”

Shame moves a small piece of hair falling into Decklan’s eyes. Deck watches Shame’s movements carefully, his eyes never looking away from Shame’s hand.

“Buddy, that’s your mom.”

Decklan’s head moves toward Joseph, who has his hand to his mouth and holding back tears that are willing to fall if able.

“I know she’s my mom.”

Shame laughs at Decklan’s observation. “How do you know that?”

“’Cause my Grandpa says Rae is his daughter and she had a baby before.”

“Is that so?” Shame leans over Decklan, looks to Joseph and nods.

“Yeah, and Raegan took me to two parks.” He holds his small fingers in front of Shame’s face in an exaggerated effort. He’s granted another small laugh coming from Shame. “And moms take their boys to the park.”

“They do, don’t they?”

“Why don’t I call her Mom?”

“Well, you can start right now if you’d like.”

“Can she hear me?”

Finally, at this point, I need to get up. Every emotional moment I’ve had within the last forty-eight hours has a collective crushing hold on me. I don’t go far in case I’m needed, but I make it to the hospital room door and lean against it for support.

Shame answers after pausing briefly, ensuring I’m all right. “Yes, I think she can. Do you want to say hi?”

Decklan waves to Raegan and a small, nervous “hello” passes his lips.

“She’ll be awake soon and you can talk to her then, okay?”

Deck nods as Shame puts his small feet to the floor. Not hesitating, he lets go of Shame’s arms and runs to Joseph seeking comfort.

Shame stands, Joseph follows suit with Deck in his arms, and they pass me on their way out.

I wish Raegan would wake up so she could hear him call her ‘mom.’

* * *

The room is quiet. It’s nearly four in the morning. Mace talked to the nursing staff and, with Joseph’s blessing, I’m able to sit with Rae as she lies in sleep, fighting her way back. The tubing in her throat and the oxygen and IV cords draped around her make her unrecognizable to me. She’s no longer original and defiant; she’s small and fragile, completely broken.

The doctors have advised that the next few hours are critical. The extent of internal damage is unknown, and her weakened body will take time to recover. No one knows how long it will take for her to wake up, or if she will at all.

Pulling out my phone, I study the picture she took of herself on our way to California all those months ago, her smile bringing me the only comfort it can. She was excited to start a new life here.

Rubbing the screen, as if she can hear me, makes me feel less alone. I talk to the picture to avoid the shame I feel in looking at her directly. “I wasn’t very nice to you back then, was I? I should have been less of an asshole about so much and just let you be you. I’m sorry about that.”

I haven’t let go of her hand since they brought me to her hours ago, for fear if I do she’ll slip away from me again. I’ve always wondered if those left in a healing sleep can hear their loved ones beg for their safe return. I want to believe they can.

My voice is brought to a whisper, explaining my restlessness. “I’m so tired, Rae. Doin’ anything without you is exhausting, so you can get that this is so much worse. Decklan, your dad, Sadey... I want everyone to go away. The only person I want to talk to is you.”

Resting my cheek on her sheet-covered thigh, I watch her motionless body in the dim light above her bed. I feel the tear escape my eye as the sheet catches it beneath me. Looking at her like this, anyone else would believe she’s resting. Her breaths are even, her features are still, and the machines reporting her progress hum quietly beside us. “Raegan, don’t go. I’m still here.”

What words do you say to someone who’s lost their will to live? How is it possible to make them understand, even in their sleep, that
they
are
your
reason to be here?

“Decklan’s waiting. He’s with your dad, and he’s wanting to see you. Do you want me to call Travis? I will. You’d probably wake up to talk to his ass, I’m sure.”

The lack of response from her is saddening. There’s no challenge, no defiance, no trace of her anywhere. To fill the void, I start to hum to her, just as I do when I know she’s hurting for any reason. She’s responded to this before, so I’m praying she responds to it again. Minutes, feeling like hours, pass with no movement.

I take her small hand in both of mine and rub the knuckles, careful not to interrupt the IV. “Please, listen to me. I know this is a lot to ask, and you’re the one who nearly died, but please don’t make me survive you because I don’t think I can.
Feel
me here with you.
Listen
to my words. I’m right here and I’m not leavin’ until you wake up. I believe in you. You’re in there. Your soul is still alive, it wants to be free, and for the first time in a long time it can be if you’d just wake up and see what’s waiting for you here.
Find
me, Raegan.”

Again, nothing. I get up to pace around the room, looking back every few seconds, thinking enough time may have passed and she’s awake.

Nothing.

My frustration increases as I grow more tired. Thoughts of bribery make their way into my anxious and sleep-deprived brain. Sitting down next to her again, I try a different tactic, and I question my own sanity as I say the words out loud.

“How about another date, then? I’ll hand-pick you some fuckin’ flowers. I’ll buy you chocolate. White wine served in bed if that’s what you want. I’ll even kiss you good night if you’d just open your eyes. I’ll give you anything as long as you don’t go anywhere without me. I miss you, Rae.”

But still there’s nothing.

“I know I brought Cherry to California, but Raegan Simmons ran over my life. I didn’t have a fuckin’ chance, did I? You’re so tough and ridiculously scrappy, and you drive me fucking crazy. Show me that again. Make me crazy; I welcome it. Raegan, I’m begging you right now. Please,
don’t
go.”

I feel my face start to give way to emotion. My eyes sting, my jaw gets tight, and for the first time in so long I let myself grieve out loud, in my own company. Running my hands through my hair and down my face to wipe the tears, I exhale before bracing my elbows to the bed to hold my hands in prayer. I’m not an overly-religious person, but I believe someone is there to help. “God, if you’re listening, can I get a minute? I know I’ve done some really fucked-up things in my life. I’m sure you’re still pissed about the whole Sadey debacle and you wouldn’t be the only one. I’m not asking that you do anything for me, though. I’m askin’ it for Rae. She’s only just started to get to know her family – her son, father, and even herself. Please, don’t take that away from her. I’ll serve her penance if that’s what you’d need. Whatever you want, take it from me. In return, maybe just give her a little bit of help in the meantime?”

Before giving up and falling asleep, I find music listings on my phone and lay it next to her on the pillow. The words of Willie Nelson’s,
Angel Flying too Close to the Ground
, have never sounded more harrowing and honest.

* * *

I wake to a soft and familiar voice whispering in my ear. It’s not Rae, though; it’s Sadey. “Ace, honey, it’s morning - almost eight o’clock. We’re all here to sit and hang out with her while you run to shower and change.”

Her request is ridiculous and even before I’m fully awake, I can answer this. I’m not leaving. “I’m good here. You guys don’t have to stay.”

Sitting up in the chair, I crack my neck and aching back, never letting go of Rae’s hand.

Sadey lingers as Shame and Hem stand in the corner of the room behind me, watching my mood and movement. No doubt they’re waiting for me to break out into a meltdown.

Mace stands at Sadey’s side. Separately, they can be handled, but together the two are impossible to overpower. The hens of mayhem have come to remove the rooster from the house because
they
feel it’s the right thing to do.

Sadey continues. “I think you should at least…”

My frustration with her being here has yet to show its full form, but it doesn’t take long for her insistence to wear thin. “Sadey, what the fuck did I just say?
I’m not leaving!
”

I hear Shame’s boots hit the floor in motion, making his way to me, then Hem’s words as he tries to stop him. “Shame, let it go. He’s upset.”

Ignoring Hem, Shame makes his way to the bed beside me and without thought to Rae’s recovery, he throws down his ire. “Talk to either of the girls like that again, and I won’t give a flying mother of a fuck about the guilt you’re feelin’ over Cherry. I’ll kick your ass to remind you of your place. Got it?”

I don’t answer him as Mace walks around the bed and bends to hug me briefly while she stands between Shame and me. Mace is trying to shield me from Shame’s anger, although it has little effect in comparison to my own.

“How about you just all fuckin’ go? I’m not leaving, so you don’t have to worry that she’ll be alone.”

Now it’s Hem’s boots I hear from behind me, his steady gait displaying no anger. Patting me on the back, he offers his advice. “She’s gonna wake up, and it may not be today. You’re gonna need to be ready and here when she does, but until that time, you’ll need to eat and get some rest. We’ll stay until you get back, whether that be fifteen minutes or an hour.”

My voice strangles as his patience and kindness settles in. Hem cares for Raegan, he always has. When Greyson Meyer took her because he wanted revenge on Hem, it was Hem who sought justice and handled all of her medical care that followed afterwards, including weekly therapy appointments to help her learn to function and live without fear.

Grasping Rae’s hand, I look to the side and up to Hem. Shame’s standing at the foot of the bed, watching and waiting for something to go wrong. Mace and Sadey’s sadness is penetrating what’s left of my belief that Raegan will be okay.

“I can’t leave her, Hem. Not even for fifteen minutes. I want to be here when she wakes up. You, of all people, understand the importance of not sacrificing any time left.”

Hem sighs in defeat. Shame smiles slightly before aiming his sarcasm at me. Even in a weak moment the man can’t extend me a fuckin’ break. “Hem, your boy’s growin’ up. I never thought I’d see the day Ace stands up sober and claims his position as an adult.”

I’m sure his words are meant as a compliment, but Shame has never had a way with them when it came to me. He’s just always been an asshole.

Sadey speaks, and her words curse the room. “Guys, can Ace and I get a minute alone?”

Quickly, my eyes dart to Hem. Sadey asking for this after the past she and I shared is a bold fuckin’ move on her part. She owns Hem in every way: body, soul, and afterlife. He’d never stop trying to hand her the moon if she asked for it, but leaving the two of us in a room together can’t leave him without second thought.

Surprisingly, to she and I both, Hem nods, but it’s Shame who protests. “Fuck no, Sadey. What the fuck are you even askin’ that for?”

Mace moves from Sadey to Shame and pushes at his middle toward the direction of the door. He doesn’t budge and if the situation weren’t complete shit, I would find it funny to watch Mace attempt to physically move her behemoth of a man.

I watch as Mace looks up at him, her mind racing with compromise as it always does where he’s concerned. “Shame, if it were me in that bed, would you not want everyone involved to do everything they could to help me through it?”

Realization dawning on Shame that the important issue here is Rae, not my past feelings for Sadey, Shame looks down at Mace. His eyes are full of adoration for her but in them, you can see traces of fear at the thought of her being in a place such as Rae’s. “Yeah, I would,” he says to her before turning to look at me with eyes that concur with hers in concern for Raegan.

“Ten minutes, Sadey girl. Your man’s getting breakfast soon, so get Ace gone and outta here so we can eat when he gets back.”

Sadey shakes her head in annoyance. Hem’s attempt to mask his worry is failing heavily in a room full of nervous people. “Jesus, Hem. You’re thinking about food right
now
, really?” Pointing to the door, she makes her aim clear. “Get out. All of you.”

Before Mace walks away, she comes to where I sit and puts her hand on top of mine as it holds Rae’s. “Give her time and she’ll come around. Things look good. Think positive for once.”

I nod, not looking away from Rae’s hand held tightly under my own.

Once they leave, I feel Sadey’s stare drill into me. I haven’t been able to gauge her mood, but as soon as she starts talking the situation goes to absolute shit.

“You’re something, you know that?” Her tone is clipped and terse, as though she’s been waiting to unleash this on me since she hit Nevada.

“What?” My tone is angered and annoyed, not wanting to answer to anyone, especially her.

She continues without delay. “You’re making this about
you
! It’s not about you, Ace. It’s about Cherry…”

Cutting her off, I give her the information she already has but has yet to use. “Raegan Simmons. That’s her name. Use it when you talk about her when I’m around or when you know she’s listening, Sadey.”